Haunted Mansion

Madame Leota:
Dark spirits from the grave come forth. Lift us from the black. And show us, show us the way back.

Jim:
Dark spirits? Hey, no dark spirits! Don't you make no dark spirits come out!

Jim:
Hey honey, you know they have dead people in the backyard.

Jim:
Hold on!

Madame Leota:
With what?

Michael:
Dad?

Jim:
Yeah, son?

Michael:
I see dead people.

Megan:
Mom, Leota won't shut up.

Jim:
I gotta help my wife. She'll be...

Michael:
I don't wanna whack it, dad!

Ramsley:
Damn you. Damn you all to Hell!

Jim:
Wait a minute. You're telling me this guy is dead, and the only reason we were brought here is he wants to get jiggy with my wife.

Ezra:
Pretty much. Are you upset?

Jim:
The guy is dead, and he's trying to get with my wife. And the house isn't really for sale. Yes, I'm upset.

Jim:
The butler did it? You got to be kidding me.

Jim:
I got the key. Now what?

Madame Leota:
Now you find the trunk.

Jim:
Trunk? What trunk? You didn't say anything about a trunk. "The key is all. The key is everything", remember?

Madame Leota:
Look, I don't make the rules, okay? I just work here.

Master Gracey:
I'm warning you, sir.

Master Gracey:
Step away.

Jim:
Man, don't think just because you pull out your sword I'm going to let you marry my wife.

Master Gracey:
My patience is wearing thin.

Master Gracey:
I loved her. Was love my mistake?

Ramsley:
Yes.

Sara Evers:
I am not Elizabeth.

Madame Leota:
Evil and darkness have fallen this night. But now, to survive, you must gain new sight.

Jim:
I must first gain new underwear.

Jim:
Hey. You wanna kill me, kill me. But listen, when I come on the other side, I'm gonna just be whipping your ass for all eternity.

Jim:
So maybe you should read this before you stab somebody.

Leota:
Find the thing that must be read, lest your heart be filled with dread...

Jim:
Bob Vila would have a field day with this place.

Jim:
Where's that scary albino when you need him?

Master Gracey:
You have very beautiful children, Ms. Evers.

Jim:
I kicked in some chromosomes too.

Ramsley:
Tears of joy.

Hitchhiking Ghost:
I could swear he was looking right at me.

Hitchhiking Ghost:
He's psychic.

Ezra:
Well, there's always my way.

Ramsley:
There are worse things than purgatory, madame. I can assure you.

Madame Leota:
Whom do you seek?

Jim:
I am seeking a way outta here.

Master Gracey:
Do you believe in ghosts?

Michael:
There's a spider in my room.

Jim:
There's a what?

Michael:
There's a spider in my room. He's on the window.

Jim:
Well, why don't you kill it, man?

Michael:
That's a big spider.