Heathers

Veronica Sawyer:
Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there.

Heather McNamara:
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

Heather Duke:
F*** it.

Principal:
Now I've seen a lot of bullshit... angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photographs involving tennis rackets.

Heather Chandler:
Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games.

J.D.:
People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.

J.D.:
Chaos was what killed the dinosaurs, darling

Veronica Sawyer:
It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of Liquid Drano.

Kurt Kelly:
Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?

J.D.:
Well, they seem to have an open door policy for a**holes though don't they?

Heather Chandler:
You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

Heather Chandler:
Corn Nuts!

Veronica Sawyer:
Plain or BQ?

Heather Chandler:
BQ!

Veronica Sawyer:
What is your damage, Heather?

Geek:
Ah, oh, uh! I like to suck big d*cks. Or, uh... Mmmm! Mmmm! I can't get enough of 'em!

Heather Chandler:
You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.

Heather Duke:
I prayed and prayed every night, wondering if you would listen, but now that Heather is dead, I see that you understood. Praise the Lord. Hallellujah.

Heather Chandler:
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '87.

Heather Duke:
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Veronica Sawyer:
No, my life's not perfect... I don't really like my friends.

J.D.:
Yeah... I don't really like your friends either.

Veronica Sawyer:
My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my great IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear and how to hit three keggers before curfew.

J.D.:
This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

Veronica Sawyer:
They're all Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads.

Veronica Sawyer:
Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a f***ing psycho.

Veronica Sawyer:
Sh*t, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

Heather Chandler:
You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

Veronica Sawyer:
Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.

Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock:
I'd like that.

Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah. Me too.

Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to f*** with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful.

Heather McNamara:
It's your turn Heather.

Heather Chandler:
No, Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather?

Heather Duke:
Sorry Heather.

Veronica Sawyer:
Great pate, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight.

Heather Chandler:
You stupid f***.

Veronica Sawyer:
You goddamn b*tch.

Heather Chandler:
I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.

Veronica Sawyer:
Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Heather Chandler:
You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.

Veronica's Dad:
Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things?

Veronica Sawyer:
Because you're an idiot.

Veronica's Dad:
Oh yeah, that's it.

Veronica Sawyer:
This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.

Heather McNamara:
Suicide is a private thing.

Veronica Sawyer:
You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. f***ing A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.

Heather Chandler:
They all want me as a friend or a f***. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.

Veronica Sawyer:
This may seem like a really stupid question...

J.D.:
There *are* no stupid questions.

Veronica Sawyer:
You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?

J.D.:
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Courtney:
If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent.

Veronica Sawyer:
You're beautiful.

J.D.:
The extreme always seems to make an impression.

J.D.:
I like it. It's got that it's-a-cruel-world-let's-throw-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.

J.D.:
Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.

Veronica Sawyer:
I say we just grow up, be adults and die.

Veronica Sawyer:
All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

Veronica's Dad:
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

J.D.:
Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.

Veronica Sawyer:
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.

Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-b*tch?

Heather Duke:
Because I can be.

J.D.:
Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?

Veronica Sawyer:
I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.

J.D.:
Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean?

Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary, my teenage angst bullshit now has a body count.

J.D.:
The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

Veronica Sawyer:
I just killed my best friend.

J.D.:
And your worst enemy.

Veronica Sawyer:
Same difference.

Veronica Sawyer:
She's my best friend. God, I hate her.

Heather Duke:
Veronica, you look like hell.

Veronica Sawyer:
Thanks, I just got back.

Counselor Paul Hyde:
Whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest decision of their life.

Heather Chandler:
F*** me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?

Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.

Father Ripper:
We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.

Heather Chandler:
Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast or something?

Heather Chandler:
Grow up. You think I'm going to drink that piss just because you call me chicken? Just hand me the cup, jerk.

Kurt's Dad:
My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.

J.D.:
Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.

J.D.:
Greetings and salutations, are you a heather?

Veronica Sawyer:
No, I'm a Veronica

Veronica Sawyer:
That knife is filthy.

J.D.:
What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?

Veronica Sawyer:
Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

Pauline Fleming:
I think it's a good opportunity to share the... feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us. Now, who would like to begin?

Female Stoner:
I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant, and then SMASH.

Pauline Fleming:
Now Tracey, let's not rehash the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions.

Heather McNamara:
God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

Veronica Sawyer:
Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.

Heather McNamara:
God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something.

Heather Chandler:
He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.

Veronica Sawyer:
No way. He used blanks. All J. D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants, maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains?

Brad:
It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... . So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

Veronica Sawyer:
Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free.

Veronica Sawyer:
You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...

Brad:
Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.

Veronica Sawyer:
You don't deserve my f***ing speech.

Heather Duke:
I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.

2nd Heavy Metaller in Parking Lot:
You go to the Zoo and you get lion. Then you shove a stick of dynamite up it's butt and you and the lion die like one.

Veronica Sawyer:
So what's the question.

Heather Duke:
Yeah, so what's the question Heather.

Heather Chandler:
God damn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it.

Heather Duke:
I forgot.

Heather Chandler:
You're such a pillowcase.

J.D.:
Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except for date rapes and AIDS jokes.

J.D.:
I knew that loose was too noose.

J.D.:
I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...

Veronica Sawyer:
Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?

Veronica's Mom:
When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

Heather Chandler:
Well f*** me gently with a chainsaw.

Veronica Sawyer:
If everyone was jumping off bridges would you?

Heather McNamara the Cheerleader:
Probably.

Veronica Sawyer:
What's the up-chuck factor on that?

Heather Duke:
No Way!

Veronica Sawyer:
How very.

JD:
Life is great. Chaos is great. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

Veronica:

"What's your damage, Heather?"

Sh*t Ram, we're seniors, man. We're too old for that crap. Let's give him a good scare though.