Hee Haw

Roy Clark:
I crossed a pussycat with a 500 pound canary.

Audience:
What'd you get?

Roy Clark:
A canary that says [gruff voice] Come here pussycat!

Grandpa Jones:
The watermelons just exploded.

Lulu Roman:
Somebody just blowed up a cow.

Junior Samples:
We once knew a girl who was so fat she wore prescription underwear.

Junior Samples:
What' the judge lock up ol' Stan Hawkins for?

Roy Clark:
Bigotry, he had three wives.

Junior Samples:
That's not bigotry, that's... tremedously. [falls down laughing]

Grandpa Jones:
[calling to Junior] That's trigonometry!

Roy Clark:
What do you call a man that don't believe in birth control?

Grandpa Jones:
A daddy.

Lulu Roman:
Get out of my cornfield!

Sunshine Cornsilk:
[Lulu's gone to town] While the cat's away, the mouse can play.

Junior Samples:
Not this mouse.

Sunshine Cornsilk:
How come?

Junior Samples:
Because I know *why* Lulu went to the store, to buy a mouse trap.

Cathy Baker:
It is incorrect to say that that song was wrote. It is incorrect to say that that song was written. It is VERY correct to say that that song was ROTTEN.

Himself - Host:
What do you call a man that don't believe in birth control?

Grandpa Jones:
A daddy.

Lulu Roman:
Elephants have peanut breath.

Grandpa Jones:
I crossed a toaster with an electric blanket.

Everybody:
What'd you get?

Grandpa Jones:
A machine that pops you out of bed.

Lulu Roman:
In India, it's illegal to have an elephant in your bathtub.

Cousin Clem:
Grandpa just beats me all day. He hits me and he punches me, why do you reckon he does it?

Junior Samples:
Beats me.

Cousin Clem:
He beats you too? He beats me all day long.

Junior Samples:
Don't that beat us all.

Lulu Roman:
I ain't heard a word of that. Why does he do it?

Junior Samples:
He gets a kick out of it.

Cathy Baker:
I'd marry a doctor so I could stay well for nothing.

Lulu Roman:
I'd marry a grocer so I could eat for nothing.

Susan Raye:
I'd marry a preacher so I could be good for nothing.

Junior Samples:
I'm in terrible financial trouble and I don't have any idea what I'm going to do.

Roy Clark:
That's a relief, I thought for a minute you'd get the idea to ask for it from me.

Teacher:
Which is farther away, England or the moon?

Student:
England.

Teacher:
Why England?

Student:
Because I can see the moon but I can't see England.

Jim Hager:
You look awful.

Jon Hager:
I dreamt I had a job.

Lulu Roman:
[her birthday] Another year, another dollar. Where's my present?

Grandpa Jones:
Here it is. I hope you appreciate it. Me and Junior and Clem put all our quarters together.

Lulu Roman:
Just what I wanted, 3 quarters.

Teacher:
I'm ashamed of you. When I was your age I could name all the presidents.

Junior:
Yeah, but when you was my age there was only 4 of them.

Teacher:
Junior, spell weather.

Junior:
W-E-A-T-H-E-O-U-R-I-E.

Teacher:
That's the worst spell of weather we ever had.

Jackie Phelps:
If George Washington was alive today, he'd be a really old man.

Lulu Roman:
Claustrophobia is a dreaded fear of Santa Claus.

Lulu Roman:
[the TV's not working] Is it plugged in?

Cousin Clem:
Plugged into what? We don't have no outlet.

Grandpa Jones:
Well I wouldn't have bought it if I'd known it was an electric television set, I thought it was gas powered.

Junior Samples:
Let's watch the dog instead.

Teacher:
Why are you so STUPID?

Buck Owens:
I rehearse a lot.

Junior Samples:
We used to know a girl who was so fat she wore prescription underwear.

Lulu Roman:
What has 11 hats, 12 eyes, eats peanut butter and snores?

Grandpa Jones:
I don't know.

Junior Samples:
I don't know.

Cousin Clem:
I don't know. What has 11 hats, 12 eyes, eats peanut butter and snores?

Lulu Roman:
I don't know.

Grandpa Jones:
You don't know! You can't tell a riddle without having an answer.

Junior Samples:
This isn't any fun, let's try on Lulu's clothes.

Lulu Roman:
Say rubber baby buggy bumper five times.

Junior Samples:
Rubber baby buggy bumper five times.

Buck Owens:
You know this life of wine, women and song is starting to bring me down.

Roy Clark:
Me too, I think I'll quit music.

Buck Owens:
[laughing] I hope your wife don't see this show.

Teacher:
I noticed you're wearing one green sock and one red sock.

Buck Owens:
I've got another pair at home just like them.

Roy Clark:
Do you remember in the old days when women wore short skirts, long dresses, short blouses and hats all the time?

Buck Owens:
No, who'd want to?

Archie:
Junior, I read in the paper that up in New York City a man gets hit by a car every 30 minutes.

Junior :
Lord, I bet he's getting tired of that by now.