Herman's Head

Louise:
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Awww, who's going to go out with the virgin?" Well I'll have you know there are plenty of adult virgins who have active social lives.

Heddy:
Oh yeah - all those Star Trek conventions.

Jay Nichols:
Hey, as long as there are illegal aliens who want citizenship, Jay Nichols will have a date.

Herman Brooks:
Jay, there are certain occasions when its better not to think about having sex with someone.

Jay Nichols:
Sure there are. Family reunions.

Jay Nichols:
Can you believe this party? Never seen so many things I wanna put in my mouth at one time.

Jay Nichols:
Oh, boy. Whenever I meet a girl's father, it's always the same story. First, he offers me money not to see her.

Herman Brooks:
Yeah? Then what happens?

Jay Nichols:
I take the money.

Jay Nichols:
Okay! Time to meet Lita Ford.

Herman Brooks:
Oh, you really think you're gonna walk right up to her and meet her?

Jay Nichols:
Got it all figured out, Herm. I bump into her, introduce myself; she'll fall for me and we'll eventually marry. I'll grow my hair long, get a few tattoos, go to celebrity parties, become an alcoholic... then she'll leave me and it'll end in a bitter divorce.

Herman Brooks:
Okay, so walk right up to her and meet her.

Jay Nichols:
You kidding me? That b*tch ruined my life.

Herman Brooks:
Rebecca Woods. She was the most beautiful freshman on campus.

Jay Nichols:
Did ya bag her?

Herman Brooks:
Jay, I don't "bag" women.

Jay Nichols:
I'm sorry. Did ya nail her?

[Herman's apartment has been robbed]

Herman:
Look at what they did to my apartment! Someone is going to pay for this.

Jay:
I think it's going to be you, Herm.

Heddy:
Herman, aren't you afraid to be here alone?

Herman:
No, not any more. Now that I have "Little Herman" here.

[Pulls out a gun]

Louise:
Is that a real gun?

Herman:
Yeah!

Louise:
I can't believe you own a gun!

Heddy:
I can't believe you call it "Little Herman."

Herman:
I think if we have sex, it'll ruin our friendship.

Louise:
Why? Are you that bad?

Model:
Herman, are you gay?

Herman:
Are you kidding? Look at how this apartment is decorated.

[speaking of his impotence]

Herman:
I'm having a little trouble..."hoisting my mainsail."

Jay:
You have a boat?

[seeing each other nude for the first time]

Louise:
Wow, Jay, I always knew you had one, but I didn't realize it was so small!

Jay:
Hey!

Louise:
Oh, no. I meant your appendectomy scar! That... very nice.

Angel:
Oh, no.

Animal:
Oh, yes.

Wimp:
Oh, God.

Genius:
Oh, well.

Louise:
Herman, I don't sound like Lisa Simpson, do I?

Genius:
[From opening credits for Series 1] I'm Herman's intellect. Without me he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent or tie his shoes.

Angel:
I'm Herman's sensitivity. Without me he wouldn't feel tenderness, honesty or love - the good things in life.

Wimp:
Oh! I'm Herman's anxiety and I keep him out of trouble - and believe me, there's trouble *everywhere*!

Animal:
I'm Herman's lust. Without me he'd miss out on all the good stuff. Y'know, fun, food - babes!

Angel:
I'm homesick. I miss Ohio. I miss Mom. I miss Dad. I miss Pokey, the parakeet.

Animal:
That parakeet's been dead for ten years.

Angel:
And you don't find that sad?

Animal:
I'll tell you what's sad. Breaking a date for three weeks in a row with Sally Cooper just so we can bring home some extra work. Now that's sad.

Angel:
In my opinion, Sally Cooper is a slut.

Animal:
I happily share that opinion.