Hey, Vern, It's Ernest!

Dust Bunny:
Ernie, Babe, what would you do with $10,000?

Ernest P. Worrel:
Well, I might do a little dusting around here!

Baby Ernest:
Boy grown-ups sure do talk funny, Know What I Mean?

Dr. Otto:
Would you like to play a game with me called Paper, Rock Scissors? Okay, here we go. One, two, three. [He's got scissors] Well I see you have a rock, well, I have a bomb! So I win anyway. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Oh don't take it personally, I cheat with everybody.

Dr. Otto:
Eureka, California!

Dr. Otto:
[On Ernest's home movie] It was awful. It was terrible. I loved it. I gave it three thumbs up.

Ernest P. Worrel:
Vern, would you consider keeping a family of rats in your bedroom?

Chuck:
Hi, [barks] I'm Chuck. I just said 'hi I'm Chuck' in dog talk, I can talk dog talk! That's Bobby. [barks] I just called him Ricky, he doesn't talk dog talk, so he doesn't know!

Bill:
[singing] Now I've known Jerome since he was a puppy, he's never one to wander far from home.

Coo:
He tipped over the trash and I acted too rash.

Bill, Coo:
Now it's 3 days since I've seen Jerome. Jerome!

Coo:
Here, Jerome!

Bill, Coo:
Jerome won't you please come home? You can eat at the table, have a steak all your own.

Coo:
Jerome.

Bill, Coo:
Won't you please come home?

Bill:
Love you, Coo.

Coo:
Love you, Bill.

Bill, Coo:
Bye!

Ernest P. Worrel:
Hey Vern, my pet daycare center's going great, but the ducks have locked themselves in the other bathroom. So I was wondering if you'd mind watching these water snakes for me. [drops snakes in the tub] Oh Vern, they already had lunch, nap time is 2 o' clock and please, don't let them play stick ball in the street know what I mean?

Auntie Nelda:
Dogs, they're supposed to be companions, all they do is cause commotion. Take my dog, Korak, you let him out, he wants in. You let him in, he wants out. You go to feed him. [throws the food in Korak's face] He's not hungry. Dogs, man's best friend, wouldn't you know it, I'm a woman, I don't apply.

Ernest P. Worrel:
Hey Vern, I know you're not supposed to count your chickens before they hatch but what do you do if they're already numbered? [picks up an egg with 8 on it]

George's Roomate:
Now I've never been much for pets around the house, but you know how George can be when it comes to getting what he wants. George calls it fun, but I call it more work for me.

Chuck:
[using a fishing pole to reel in a dog] I got one! I bet he's 200 pounds if he weighs an ounce! [pulls in an empty collar] Oh, I lost it! He took the bait! [to Bobby] Oh well, let's go find us another cat.

Auntie Nelda:
I had a splinter once, it was so big it had a name. My son, God bless him, had to pull it out with a tow-truck!

Dr. Otto:
And viola, Eureka California! I have finished my greatest invention: the worst dog in the world! Never comes when you call him, always bites you when you pet him, and never messes [mechanical dog barks] on the outside! [laughs diabolically]