History of the World: Part I

Auctioneer:
Where are you from?

Josephus:
Ethiopia

Auctioneer:
What part?

Josephus:
125th Street.

Count de Monet:
Don't get saucy with me, Bernaise.

Dole Office Clerk:
Occupation?

Comicus:
Stand up philosopher.

Dole Office Clerk:
What?

Comicus:
Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.

Dole Office Clerk:
Oh, a BULLSHIT artist!

Empress Nympho:
Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Bob:
Well, we could use another wine steward.

Josephus:
Hey, I got a great corkscrew.

Josephus:
Damn, this a hip crowd!

Marcus Vindictus:
Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?

Captain Mucus:
I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.

Marcus Vindictus:
You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

Josephus:
Hey, motherf***er!

Swiftus:
Oh you are nuts. N-V-T-S - nuts!

Madame DeFarge:
We are so poor, we don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!

Empress Nympho:
Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!

Narrator:
And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic.

Marcus Vindictus:
What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.

Empress Nympho:
Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.

Comicus:
The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I hear that that's coming quickly.

Comicus:
Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!

King Louis XVI:
It's good to be the king!

Count de Monet:
It is said that the people are revolting.

King Louis XVI:
You said it! They stink on ice!

Plumbing Salesman:
Pipe the sh*t out of your house!

Leader of Senate:
All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?

Count de Monet:
My Lord, you look just like the piss-boy!

King Louis XVI:
And you look like a bucket of sh*t!

Insolent Flunky:
Count yer money.

Count de Monet:
Count de Monet!

Comicus:
All right all right! Jesus!

Jesus:
Yes?

Miriam:
Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?

Comicus:
Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.

Miriam:
Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.

Comicus:
I'm really sorry to hear that.

Narrator:
See; Hitler on Ice!

Dole Office Clerk:
I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

Emperor Nero:
Wash this!

Bearnaise:
I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!

Count de Monet:
At least I have them!

Bearnaise:
B*tch!

Scene in The French Revolution

Lady in basement:
Scum.. we are so poor, we don't even have a language... All we have is this stupid accent