House of Mouse

Queen of Hearts:
You'll have to go fish for a better deal, because we give the competition the royal flush.

Goofy:
Two pigs were wallowing in the mud... no, wait, that's a dirty joke. Ding-dong. No, wait, that should be knock-knock.

Talking Doorknob:
Oh, who's there, who's there?

Goofy:
Oh, never mind. Knock-knock jokes stink.

Talking Doorknob:
Hmph. I take that as a personal slam on doors.

Cinderella:
But Mickey, I need the pumpkin. It's my ride home.

Mickey:
I'll find you a new ride home.

Cinderella:
Well, all right, but I must leave by midnight.

Clarabelle:
Dopey may leave the Seven Dwarfs to pursue more dramatic roles. Next, over at Lady and the Tramp's, Tramp came home late and caused a bit of a dog fight between him and Lady...

Max:
You got me a car?

Goofy:
Even better. I got you your own parking space.

Mickey:
See ya real soon.

[Pete is accused of stealing the cartoons]

Pete:
This rope isn't mine. My fingerprints here don't prove nothin' and I don't even know Horace Horsecollar.

Horace:
Hey Pete.

Pete:
Oh, hey Horace. How's it goin'?

Horace:
Goin' all right? How's the wife and kids?

Pete:
Can't complain.

Goofy:
What're you all doin'?

Mickey:
Just hanging out with Max.

Goofy:
I thought you were trying to keep me from seein' that car Max crashed through the wall.

Max:
Head waiter is the easiest job. All you do is order the penguins around and read the funny menu.

Pete:
You did put on a show, even if Mickey Mouse prancin' around in Christmas lights ain't much of one.

Max:
HOLD IT. Will everybody PLEASE stop fussing over us. I hate to complain, but I asked for us to be left alone and I've never seen so many people in my life. What's next? A marching band?

[a marching band is waiting in the lobby]

Daisy:
Sorry, guys. Your gig's off.

Goofy:
[At the phone company] This is the party line. Oh, water line, red line, dandy line, hair line, life line, fe-line, airline, firin' line, incline. [Donald Duck is wrapped up in phone lines] I guess Donald is the "Line" King.

Voiceover:
In the hip-hop world, you want to be phat.

Goofy:
Fat? It's these pants, right?

Von Drake:
Hello there! And welcome to Von Drake's House of Genius. This is the house, and I am the genius.

Daisy:
Goofy better hurry. Our guests are getting hungry.

Timothy Mouse:
We can surly use some food over here, right Dumbo?

[Dumbo spots Timothy as a peanut]

Timothy Mouse:
Dumbo?

Minnie Mouse:
The cartoon stopped? What's wrong?

Horace Horsecollar:
It wasn't me.

Mickey:
It's the Censor Monkeys! They stopped the cartoon!

Timothy Mouse:
Hey, where's Mickey?

Timon:
Yeah, having Mickey on stage might not be such a bad idea.

Mortimer Mouse:
[to Cinderella] Hey Cindy, you're looking for a shoe, I got one your size. [imitating Dumbo] Hey, look at me! I'm Dumbo! Ha!

[Dumbo and Timothy stared at Mortimer because he imitates Dumbo]

Minnie Mouse:
Mickey, we're missing our first act, Jafar and Iago.

Mickey:
Gee. I hope they're not lost.

Iago:
We are so lost!

Jafar:
Calm down Iago, Mickey wouldn't replace us.

Pumbaa:
Hey Timon, I should tell you I got a rumbly in my tumbly.

[Pumbaa starts to rumble]

Timon:
[gasp] He's gonna blow!

[an ostrich hides in the cake]

Timothy Mouse:
Let's fly Dumbo!

[Dumbo flies]

Sneezy:
Ah-choo! I can't smell anything anyway.

Mickey:
Donald! Don't!

[When Donald tries to get Pumbaa out of the House of Mouse before he can stink up it, but it was too late]

Mickey:
Minnie! There's no audience.

Minnie Mouse:
I know, that's because nobody want's to see Pete day.

Mickey:
Aw, we knew this would happen, I bet Pete's really mad, huh?

Minnie Mouse:
Uh-uh! I'm busy right now! Bye-bye!

[Minnie runs away]

Mickey:
Say uh, Pluto, ha-ha!

Pluto:
Uh-uh!

[Pluto runs away]

Mickey:
Aw, Zipity Doo darn!

Mickey:
Well, Goofy, Super Goof, he's got to be non other than...

Clarabelle:
Dumbo!

Goofy:
Oh, come on! I maybe Goofy, but I'm not even that stupid!

Goofy:
[to Dumbo] Hyuck! Peanuts are going fast.

[Chip and Dale stoled the nuts from Dumbo]

Goofy:
See? What I tell you.

Basil of Baker Street:
Dawson you fool, can't you see it's a trap?

[Ratigan opens the drain]

Ratigan:
Curses!

[Jiminy accidently slouched Mickey]

Jiminy Cricket:
Uh-uh-uh! Don't slouch.

Minnie Mouse:
The problem is, he's Pinocchio's consience, not yours.

Mickey:
We just need a way for Jiminy to realize that.

[cut to Jiminy and Minnie]

Jiminy Cricket:
Me? Perform? Why, I don't know what to do.

Minnie Mouse:
Why, not let your consience be your guide?

Mike:
And now, Jiminy Cricket!

Mickey:
Oh, boy! Bibbidi Bobbidi Stew!

[the stew was gone, cut to Goofy]

Goofy:
Folks, I feel just awful. Does anyone need anything? Maybe some more stew?

Audience:
No!

Goofy:
Then I should break my leg.

Gaston:
No one breaks a leg like Gaston! [goes to the side and breaks his leg]

Minnie Mouse:
Oh Clarabelle! [runs off crying]

Lumiere:
Hey! Hey! Where's the fire?

Cogsworth:
She shouldn't be running off, isn't it her time?

Mother:
Don't touch the villain dear.

Pumbaa:
Hey Timon, I should tell you I got a rumbly in my tumbly.

[Pumbaa starts to rumble]

Sneezy:
[gasp] He's gonna blow!

[an ostrich hides in the cake]

Timothy Mouse:
Let's fly Dumbo!

[Dumbo flies]

Sneezy:
Ah-choo! I can't smell anything anyway.

Mickey:
Donald! Don't!

[When Donald tries to get Pumbaa out of the House of Mouse before he can stink up it, but it was too late]

[In "How to be a gentlemen]

Voiceover:
...and now onto the gentleman's wardrobe.

[a shade appears around Goofy, then moves away. He is wearing a blonde wig, eyeshadow, elbow-length gloves, an emerald ring, a red evening dress and red high heels]

Goofy:
Hyuk! Fetching!

Voiceover:
Ahem! A gentle-*MAN'S* wardrobe!

Mickey:
[serves something to Pooh] Here's your poo-poo platter, Pooh. [Pooh takes a bite out of it and grows 15 feet tall] Oops! Wrong dish! [moves the platter to Alice's table] That's for Alice.

[Donald runs through the women's changing rooms after baby Shelby. When he comes out, he is wearing a pink blouse, a darker pink bow and skirt and blue high heels. He runs right into Daisy]

Donald:
Oh, no! [sheepishly] Uh, hiya, Daisy.

Daisy:
So *this* is what you do all day!

[Donald opens his mouth to say something, but Daisy walks off]

[Donald crashes a riding mower into a women's clothing display. He is wearing a green women's hat, a blonde wig, a purple blouse and a purple bra. He is seated on the lower half of a dummy in such a way that it seems he has women's legs and is wearing a blue skirt and high heels. Daisy sees him]

Daisy:
It's true!

[Donald realizes what it looks like and tries to explain, but Daisy runs off sobbing]

[Goofy is paracycling and relaxing as he falls through the air]

Voiceover:
As the ground looms, it is time to activate the parachute. [Goofy does nothing]... I said, ACTIVATE THE PARACHUTE! And you should always open it... [Goofy opens up his parachute - below him]... above you. [Goofy gets tangled in it]

Goofy:
Hi. I'm waiter and I'll be your Goofy tonight. Now, let me tell you our specials, we have Breadknobs and Fishsticks, Cruella De Veal, Peg-Leg Pizza, Never Never Lamb, Stromboli Ravioli and Pocahummus.

Big Bad Wolf:
Three little pigs in a blanket.

White Rabbit:
I'm not really late, and I don't have a date. [Sobs] I'm a fraud!

Mortimer Mouse:
Ah, can it. Your news is older than Rafiki.

Timon:
Ooh hoo ha! Older than Rafiki! Ha ha ha! [Gets clubbed on the head by Rafiki]

Clarabelle Cow:
Uh... I have other big news.

Mortimer Mouse:
What? That Snow White is the farest of them all?

Timon:
He he he! [Gets clubbed on the head by the Wicked Queen]

Gepetto:
I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

Pinocchio:
I slept like a log.

[while Huey, Dewey, and Louie are playing, Dawson gets up, but Basil grabs him]

Basil of Baker Street:
Dawson, you fool! Can't you see it's a trap?

[camera pans to a mouse trap; Ratigan pops out]

Ratigan:
Curses!

Mickey:
Sorry I'm late everybody. I had to stop by the bank. I was overdrawn.

Pencil Test Character #1:
Overdrawn? You're lucky.

Pencil Test Character #2:
Yeah. We're not done yet.

Jiminy Cricket:
Ladies and gentleman of the House of Mouse. Don't be a fool. No siree. Here's how to live to be 103. Always let your conscience be your guide. I will demonstrate this advice... now. Savor your youth and beauty, because wicked queens, mean stepsisters, and evil witches will try to steal them from you every time. That reminds me, don't eat apples unless you know where they came from. Avoid anyone that has a fiendish cackle, a sinister smile, or a diabolical glare, not necessarily in that order. Never sell your voice to a giant sea witch just because you have a crush on some guy. It's just not worth it. When selecting footwear for the big dance, go ahead and write your name in your shoes. There is nothing to see in the elephant graveyard. End of story. If your first name is Sleeping, and your last name is Beauty, don't use a spinning wheel. Go out and buy a sewing machine. And hey, don't steal bread. Maybe you'll meet someone special. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have puppies. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll join the circus and learn to fly. Live in the jungle once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in the forest once, but leave before it makes you soft. Treat your elders with respect, and don't be fooled by bad advice. If a guy named Foulfellow invites you to a place called Pleasure Island, don't go! I mean, he's got the word, "foul" right in his name! But trust me on the conscience thing.

Mickey:
Cruella De Vil's been a little sloppy with her driving lately.

Cruella De Vil:
Who? Me?

Mickey:
She's gotten 101 citations.

Mike:
And now, she is mouse, hear her squeak, Minnie Mouse!

Mike:
"Rent-a-Prince" - live happily ever after or your money back. Some princes may actually be toads.

Mike:
And now, here's Minnie Mouse in a dress that's Bibbidi-Bobbidi-beautiful.

Jasmine:
[Clarabelle] Looks like a cow.

Clarabelle Cow:
And proud of it!

Daisy Duck:
Phone call for a Duchess! [Jasmine, Ariel and Sleeping Beauty raise their hands, then Duchess from "The Aristocats" walks in and takes the call]

Duchess:
Darlings, she said Duchess, not Princesses.

Mortimer Mouse:
I'd like to show you a whole new world... Planet Mortimer!

Minnie Mouse:
[singing] Who's the guy that you and I just love to adore?

Daisy Duck:
[singing] Who's got looks and brains and brawn and talent galore?

Clarabelle Cow:
[singing] And every time he takes a bow they're screaming for more?

Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, Clarabelle Cow:
[singing] Mortimer, Mortimer, Mortimer Mouse!

Daisy Duck:
Oh brother, who wrote these lyrics?

Clarabelle Cow:
I'll give you three guesses.

Roxanne:
Thank you Mr. Goofy. And I just like to say, I for one, am glad your our waiter. *Roxanne kisses Goofy on the nose*

Max Goof:
Hold it! Would everybody PLEASE stop fussing over us!

Mickey Mouse:
Max, something wrong?

Max Goof:
Oh, well YES! I mean, I hate to complain but I asked for us to be left alone, and I've never seen so many people in my life. What's next? A marching band?

Max Goof:
I'm SO glad you came by. And I'm REALLY sorry everything got so weird.

Roxanne:
Max, I've only got one thing to say to you about tonight. *she whispers in his ear* *giggle*

Daisy:
Has she gained weight.

Mortimer Mouse:
I'll show you some real comedy!

Mickey:
Oh, really, I didn't know they made a film about your last date, Mortimer?

Mortimer Mouse:
[sarcastically] Hardy-Har-Har.

Roy Edward Disney:
Huh? What'd I ever do to him?

Mortimer Mouse:
Say, Cindy. You lookin' for a shoe? [takes off one of his shoes] I got one your size.

[Cinderella glares at him; Mortimer sees two menus and uses them as ears]

Mortimer Mouse:
Look at me! [starts flapping the menus] I'm Dumbo! Ha!

[Dumbo and Timothy glare at him]

Lydia Pearson:
Don't touch the villain, dear.

Mickey Mouse:
he Beast, Aladdin & Jasmine and, oh, I see the 3 Little Pigs are in the house! Hey, Lumiere, thanks for being MY guest!

Goofy:
Here's your doggy bag, Miss DeVil.

Cruella De Vil:
Forget the bag. [eyeing a frightened Pluto] I'll take the doggy!

Timon:
Waiter, there's a fly in my friend's soup! I want one too! Hey, Simba, what did you get in your soup?

Simba:
[sigh] Rafiki.

Pete:
This isn't MY rope! I don't even KNOW Horace Horsecollar!

Horace Horsecollar:
Hey Pete.

Pete:
Oh, hey Horace.

Goofy:
yfooG s'tI .yekciM olleH

Mickey Mouse:
Goofy, you're talkin' through the wrong end of the phone again!

Goofy:
!spoO

Mike:
Transportation for the House of Mouse courtesy of..."Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo Limo Service". You'll have a ball in one of our magically-mobile vegetables: the classic pumpkin, the luxury town-gourd and the extravagant stretch-watermelon. "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" - home by midnight or the ride is free. Some limos may contain seeds.

Pete:
Everybody out!

Mickey Mouse:
Show's not over yet, Pete!

Pete:
What show? You've got no cartoons and that stage is deader than the Haunted Mansion! [camera pans over to the stage, where we see the Hitchhiking Ghosts from Disneyland's "Haunted Mansion" attraction sticking out their thumbs]

Mickey Mouse:
Now I wanna remind everyone of the House of Mouse Rules: No smoking. No villainous schemes. And no guests eating other guests.

Daisy Duck:
Table for 101!

Donald Duck:
Oh no!

Mickey Mouse:
Tonight, we have a show that won't be forgotten. [spotlight goes out; audience gasps] Unlike our electric bill. [nervous laugh]

Daisy:
Table for 101.

Donald:
Oh no.

Timon:
Waiter. There's a fly in my friend's soup. I want one too. Hey, Simba, what did you get in your soup?

Simba:
Rafiki.

Mickey:
The Three Caballeros are Panchito, Jose and...

Tweedle Dee:
Sneezy?

Tweedle Dum:
No, it's Grumpy. You're so dumb.

Narrator:
A sure sign of smarts is one's ability to write, and the beginning writer is wise to choose a simple sentence.

Goofy:
[reading a sentence written on the blackboard] "I am smart." How 'bout that?

Narrator:
The writer can bring more meaning to the sentence with the addition of an adverb.

[Ludwig Von Drake appears and rewrites the sentence]

Goofy:
[reading] "I am not smart." Hey!

Narrator:
A conjunction allows an additional sentence segment to be linked.

[Von Drake rewrites the sentence again]

Goofy:
"I am not smart and I smell." You little...!

Narrator:
Don't be afraid to use other nouns as descriptors in your sentence.

[Von Drake rewrites the sentence yet again]

Goofy:
"I am not smart and I smell like a monkey." That's it!

[chases Von Drake, only to trip and fall down]

Narrator:
Remember that sometimes the best sentence is the shortest.

Goofy:
"Ouch!"

Goofy:
Well... there's Cubby, Darlene and... I know, Annette.

Mickey:
Is that your final answer?

Timon:
Excuse me. Did anyone order a blue-butt baboon? Because I ain't eatin' it.

Mickey:
There's a spinning teacup illegally parked. License plate: R-U-DIZZY.

Mad Hatter:
That's mine.

Talking Spotlight:
Hey. Lighten up.

Horace Horsecollar:
No. You lighten up.