How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Andie:
Like, do blondes, like, do they really have more fun?

Andie:
True or False: All's fair in love and war.

Ben:
True.

Andie:
Great answer.

Ben:
Good question!

Andie:
Our love fern! You let it die!

Ben:
No, honey, its just sleeping.

Andie:
Benny boo boo... boo boo boo!

Ben:
Let's take a break because the woman is driving me crazy.

Tony:
Which woman? Andie or Princess Sophia?

Andie:
C'mon, blow. Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.

Tony:
Yeah, uh, I hate Mr. Sniffles.

Andie:
Unattached?

Ben:
Currently.

Andie:
Likewise.

Ben:
Surprising.

Andie:
Psycho?

Ben:
Rarely, Interested?

Andie:
Perhaps.

Ben:
Hungry?

Andie:
Starving.

Ben:
Leaving?

Andie:
Now?

Andie:
Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?

Ben:
Who's Princess Sophia?

Andie:
Little, big, little, big... I don't know... we will find out!

Ben:
You can't name my member... Princess Sophia.

Andie:
Yes, I can!

Ben:
If you are gonna name my... member, you have to name it something hyper masculine. Something like Spike, or Butch, or Krull the Warrior King!

Tony:
It looks like the inside of a raincoat!

DeLauer Security:
Look, just give me back the necklace, then you guys can go on and kill each other.

Ben:
You're already falling in love with me.

Andie:
I'm gonna make you wish you were dead.

Thayer:
Is she on something?

Ben:
God I hope so.

Andie:
Are you saying I'm some kind of mental person?

Ben:
That's what I'm talking about. Where's the sexy, cool, fun, smart, beautiful Andie that I knew? The one that wanted to be a serious journalist? You're up, you're down, you're here, you're there, you're like a fricken' one woman circus.

Andie:
You can't lose something you never had.

Andie:
Hey, listen, Sparky. I have a masters in journalism from Columba, my boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while, I can write about whatever I want.

Ben:
Like, shoes?

Ben:
How about 'Glitter'?

Tony:
Thayer's favorite movie.

Thayer:
It was underrated!

Ben:
You see, the key to this game is being able to read people.

Glenda:
Now Andie, I hope you know that we expect you to come back here because you have held Ben to his lowest bullshit score since his tonsillectomy and we are thrilled!

Jack:
LOWEST!

Andie:
Why were all his other girlfriends bullshit losers?

Glenda:
What other girlfriends? You are the first girl he ever brought home! Don't you break his heart now!

Andie:
Sheryl, Tori, Sinead, Jewel, Fiona, Carly... Gang's all here!

Ben:
Look, look, look, wait a minute. The one night we even thought about having sex, all right, she up and decides she's going to nickname my...

Michelle Rubin:
Penis?

Ben:
Yeah. "Princess Sophia." You want to talk about shooting a man's horse? Whop! Come on!

Andie:
I love you Binky... but I don't have to like you right now.

Michelle Rubin:
So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each other?

Andie:
Seven days.

Michelle Rubin:
Seven days. Interesting.

Ben:
Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?

Andie:
Well, Ben, seven days isn't like a lifetime, or anything...

Ben:
It's like a week.

Sensitive Moviegoer:
Now, I'm going to go back inside and finish watching "Sleepless in Seattle". Nobody screw with me.

Tony:
Drunk and tone-deaf. Never a good combination.

Ben:
Look who made the trip with me.

Andie:
It's our love fern! Oh, Bennie-boo-boo, boo-boo.

Michelle:
Mike and I had such a connection. The first time that we had sex, it was so beautiful I cried.

Jeannie:
You cried?

Michelle:
Yeah.

Andie:
You mean one glistening tear on your cheek, right?

Michelle:
No, I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him.

Andie:
After how many days?

Michelle:
Five... two.

Andie:
Michelle, if the most beautiful woman in the world acted the way you did, any normal guy would still go running in the other direction.

Michelle:
No. No guy would go running from you, Andie. You could barf all over him and he'd say, "Do it again."

Andie:
Oh, that is both incredibly disgusting and categorically untrue.

Lana:
Are we loving the way she looks, all?

(all the columnists agree)

Michelle:
I haven't eaten since the split.

Lana:
Good for you. Write about it.

Michelle:
I can't use my personal life for a story.

Lana:
I understand completely... Who will use Michelle's personal life for a story?

Andie:
Look at Michelle. She is a great girl, right? An amazing woman. But she has a problem hanging on to relationships and doesn't really know what she's doing wrong, which is like a lot of our readers. So, I was thinking, that I could start by dating a guy, and then drive him away. But only using the classic mistakes most women, Like Michelle, make all the time. I'll keep a diary of it and it will be sort of a dating "How To" in reverse.

Lana:
What not to do.

Andie:
Yeah.

Lana:
"How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". Yes. Go.

Spears:
I'm not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds.

Ben:
Yeah, I'm not talking about lust either, ladies. I'm talking about deep, meaningful, head-over-heels, his-n-hers towels, let's-grow-old-together L-O-V-E. Look, I love women. I do. Whether they're 4, 40 or my 88-year-old grandmother, I respect women. Alright? And I also listen to women. And that's why I can sell myself to any woman, anywhere, any time.

Spears:
Make a woman fall in love with diamonds, Benjamin, or with you?

Andie:
Andie Anderson.

Ben:
Benjamin Barry.

Andie:
Cute.

Ben:
Thank you.

Andie:
I meant your name.

Ben:
Thank you two times.

Andie:
Unattached?

Ben:
Currently.

Andie:
Likewise.

Ben:
Surprising.

Andie:
Psycho?

Ben:
Rarely... Interested?

Andie:
Perhaps.

Ben:
Hungry?

Andie:
Starving.

Ben:
Leaving.

Ben:
I'm in advertising. I work mostly with alcoholic beverages and athletic equipment companies, and I'm trying to break into the jewellery market right now.

Andie:
Saving the world one keg party at a time?

Ben:
What about you?

Andie:
What about me?

Ben:
Have I seen your work?

Andie:
I work at Composure.

Ben:
Fastest growing women's magazine in the country. I'm impressed. Saving the world one shopaholic at a time, eh?

Andie:
It's beautiful.

Ben:
Thanks.

Andie:
You're beautiful. The game, the whole thing... I wish I ate meat. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. You have to take this away before I gag.

Thayer:
I thought you said after the Knicks game, she was a goddess.

Ben:
Oh, she was. That was the good Andie, this amazing, fun, cool, sexy woman. I'm talking about the evil Andie now. It's like a crack-enhanced Kathy Lee Gifford.

Ben:
Look at Krull's necklace. It's got more ice than Liberace, don't you?

Andie:
Oh, it's just a little frosting.

Andie:
I did something kind of wacky. I used Photoshop at work today to composite our faces together to see what our kids would look like. Our family album! You don't want to see our children?

Ben:
We don't have... children.

Andie:
Oh, no. Our love fern. It's dead.

Ben:
No, it's just sleeping.

Andie:
You let it die. Are you going to let us die?

Ben:
The one night that we even thought about.. getting close to having sex. She up and decides she's going to nickname my...

Michelle:
Penis.

Ben:
Princess Sophia! You wanna talk about shooting a man's horse!

Andie:
I thought it was a beautiful name.

Michelle:
Hmm, I see, Benjamin. And when was it that you first realised that you were attracted to other men?

Phillip Warren:
I understand you've been an inspiration to Ben in more ways than one. And I must say, you look rather inspired yourself. There isn't a diamond it the room that sparkles like a woman in love.

Andie:
Oh, no, no. I'm not in love.

Phillip:
No? I guess I was mistaken.

Andie:
No, no. I mean... I've only known him for ten days... You can't... I can't be...

Phillip:
Ben is a very lucky man.

Andie:
Mr Warren, please don't tell him. Please don't tell him.

Lana:
Congratulations. This shows me you're ready to be unleashed. From now on, feel free to write about anything.

Andie:
Anything?

Lana:
Wherever the wind blows you.

Andie:
Even politics?

Lana:
Well, the wind's not going to blow you there.

Andie:
What about religion, poverty, economics?

Lana:
This wind is really more of a light breeze.

Andie:
[Ben answers the phone to Andie in the middle of a meeting] Its me!

Ben:
I'm in the middle of a meeting. Can I call you back later?

Andie:
I miss you benny boo boo... boo boo boo

Ben:
So that's what I was, huh? I was a guinea pig. Somebody you can test your theories on?

Andie:
Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody picked out in a bar.

Ben:
Yeah, you know what? Big deal. Hell, now you can even use it as a little twist in your story.

Andie:
That's a good idea. Maybe we should bet on it.

Ben:
You know what, you did your job now, Andie.

Andie:
Yes, I did.

Ben:
You wanted to lose a guy in ten days, congratulations, you did it. You just lost him. [walks away]

Andie:
No I didn't Ben, 'cause you can't lose something you never had!

Tony:
[holding Andie's magazine] You might want to read this.

Ben:
Ah, no thanks.

Tony:
Yeah? [reading] "I've lost a guy, and l don't know why. What went wrong? When I started writing this month's column, I wanted to commit the certain silly dating faux pas. What l didn't realize was that I was making the biggest mistake of all." Here. Trust me. Read it.

Andie:
[after Ben forces her cab to pull over] What the hell was that?

Ben:
[holding up her magazine] Is this true?

Andie:
Ben, please.

Ben:
Is this true? Or are you just trying to sell magazines?

Andie:
I meant every word.

Ben:
Well, where you going?

Andie:
I have an interview.

Ben:
Yeah, in Washington. I know. [pause] Where you going?

Andie:
Ben, it's the only place I can go and write what l want to write.

Ben:
No, I'm not buying that. You can write anywhere. I think you're running away.

Andie:
Why don't you save your mind games for your next bet, okay? I am not running away.

Ben:
Bullshit.

Andie:
Excuse me?

Ben:
You heard me. Bullshit.

Cab driver:
Hey, lady, what do ya wanna do?

Ben:
[handing him money] Take the lady's luggage back to her place. She has alternate transportation.

Andie:
You callin' my bluff?

Ben:
You bet I am.

[They kiss]