How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

Sidney Young:
[to his father] You thought Brad Pitt was a cave in Yorkshire.

Sidney Young:
I sent the fish, you know, goldfish in a bowl. Did she get them?

Sophie Maes' Assistant:
Yes, but they were dead!

Sidney Young:
All of them?

Sophie Maes' Assistant:
Yeah, it was kind of shocking actually! Were they dead when you send them?

Sidney Young:
No no, who sends people dead fish?

Sophie Maes' Assistant:
The Mafia?

Richard Young:
Einstein said, Try not to become a man of success rather to become a man of value!

Sidney Young:
When I was a kid, I used to think there was a special place where all the movie stars lived. A kind of "Shangri La". And if you could just get inside there, you'd be happy. Forever.

Clayton Harding:
[On the phone, calling from New York] This is Clayton Harding, editor of Sharps Magazine.

Sidney Young:
Lord Vader.

Clayton Harding:
I saw you at my party - just before you ruined it with your pig stunt.

Sidney Young:
You liked that, did you?

Clayton Harding:
Sure. I especially liked the part where Clint Eastwood beat the sh*t out of you.

Mrs. Kowalski:
[Upon learning that Sidney writes about Hollywood stars for a magazine] Hollywood? Sodom and Gomorrah. Now everybody a celebrity. You take out your breasts, you're celebrity.

Sidney Young:
I think it probably depends on the breasts...

Mrs. Kowalski:
In Poland, someone was famous because they done something. Marie Curie, Pope John Paul...

Sidney Young:
Yeah, well, they don't make entertainers like that anymore, do they?

Mrs. Kowalski:
[sourly] Wise guy.

Clayton Harding:
[Meeting with Sidney for the first time in Clayton's corporate office] You think you've arrived, don't you? Hate to break it to you, but you're only in the first room. In about a year, maybe longer, you'll discover a secret doorway at the back of the first room that leads to the second. And in time, if you're lucky, you'll discover another doorway in the back of the second room that leads to the third. There are seven rooms altogether. You're in the first. I'm in the seventh. Don't you forget it.

Sidney Young:
[nonchalantly] Can I use the bathroom in the seventh? Because the one in the first really smells.

Clayton Harding:
Which leads me to the subject of your sense of humor. I had a look through your magazine here.

Sidney Young:
What did you think?

Clayton Harding:
Felt it was kind of snarky... and bitter... and witless.

Sidney Young:
I don't know the meaning of the word fear.

Alison Olsen:
I'm sure there are many words you don't know the meaning of.

Sidney Young:
[At a party attended by swanky people] Look at that. All night long, people have been treating us like royalty. In London, the journalist's motto is, "Everybody hates us, and we don't care."

Sidney Young:
What's the greatest film ever made?

Alison Olsen:
It's hard to say. I mean, I personally love La Dolce Vita...

Sidney Young:
[Imitates game show buzzer] Incorrect!

Sidney Young:
[Continues, dead pan] Con Air.

Alison Olsen:
[a bit perplexed] I beg your pardon?

Sidney Young:
Con Air, right? It's got everything, hasn't it? You know, you've got Malkovich for your acting chops, you got Nicky Cage for your action, Steve Buscemi for your comedy, John Cusack for the gays. Right? It's like a smorgasbord, isn't it?