Hysteria

Molly:
What do you call that little thing?

Mortimer Granville:
I was calling it the feather duster.

Molly:
Well I'd think of something quick, so that a girl knows what to ask for.

[first lines]

Mrs. Bellamy:
I truly don't even know why I'm here, doctor. [pen scraping] Well, of course it's difficult running a large household by oneself. And raising four children is exacting, but they're wonderful, wonderful children. And my husband, he's a good man. A very hard worker. Um... Ahem. Well, there is just one thing. Sometimes at night, when he comes to me, I imagine myself splitting his fat bald head with a great large ax. [pen scraping]

Mortimer Granville:
Sir, I would be enormously grateful for any position that allowed me to offer relief to my patients, with little chance of killing them.

Edmund St. John-Smythe:
[brainstorming] The Rubby-Nubby.

Mortimer Granville:
The Vibratorium.

Edmund St. John-Smythe:
The Jiggly-Wiggly?

Mortimer Granville:
Paroxysmator.

Edmund St. John-Smythe:
Oh, the Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Mortimer Granville:
The Excitetator?

Edmund St. John-Smythe:
Mr. Wobbly.

Mortimer Granville:
Oh, please.

Edmund St. John-Smythe:
What about, The Squealer?

Charlotte Dalrymple:
For us it's mindless housework and doting on some halfwit.

Mortimer Granville:
You can make some halfwit very happy.

Charlotte Dalrymple:
It's simply not enough for me, or for most women. Would it be enough for you?

Mortimer Granville:
Oh, I'm not most women.

[last lines]

Dr. Robert Dalrymple:
Well, all's well that ends well. Ah, fresh air and perambulation, the key to mental acuity and long life.

Lady St. John-Smythe:
If you say so, doctor.

Dr. Robert Dalrymple:
Oh look, ducks...

Female Patient:
Can't you understand it's an emergency? The situation is desperate.

Nurse Smalley:
It's completely impossible, madam.

Female Patient:
I'll do anything.

Charlotte Dalrymple:
I am a woman like any other.

Mortimer Granville:
Oh no, you're quite unlike any woman I've ever met. [pause] Will you be alright?

Charlotte Dalrymple:
Yeah, I'm fine. I've got lots of friends in prison.

Dr. Robert Dalrymple:
I won't lie to you Granville; its tedious, tiring work. Are you fit?

Mortimer Granville:
I have never shrieked from hardwork in the pursuit of helping the most needy among us.

Dr. Robert Dalrymple:
Jolly good.

Dr. Robert Dalrymple:
It's a bit like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time but you just couldn't get the hang of it.

Charlotte Dalrymple:
It must be difficult pleasuring half the women in the city.

Mortimer Granville:
Madam, *pleasure* has nothing to do with it, I can assure you.

Charlotte Dalrymple:
Well I suppose that depends on whether you're *over* the table or on it.

Charlotte Dalrymple:
Something wrong?

Mortimer Granville:
No, no. Um... I've just never seen you so... so...

Charlotte Dalrymple:
formally attired?

Mortimer Granville:
I was going to say... clean.

Lady St. John-Smythe:
Your hair is most adventurous, Emily.

Emily Dalrymple:
Do you think so? It took ever so long to get it up there.