I'll Be There

Paul Kerr:
I don't want a psychiatrist, I want a proper doctor. And morphine.

Dr. Bridget:
You drove your motorcycle through a second floor window in your house. Would you call that the act of a sane man?

Paul Kerr:
Hey! I'm a rock star. I've driven cars into swimming pools and thrown television sets out of windows. It's part of the job!

Paul Kerr:
Be reasonable, why would I try to kill myself? I'm rich and I'm Scottish, it doesn't get better than that.

Paul Kerr:
I'm not mad, I'm just creative!

Olivia Edmonds:
Can I have twenty pounds please Mum?

Rebecca Edmonds:
Why?

Olivia Edmonds:
Well, I need currency to have a viable existence in a capitalist society.

Gordano:
Ask a stupid question...

Paul Kerr:
[learning that he has been sanctioned and has to remain in the mental hospital] Jesus Christ!

Dr. Bridget:
Please don't blaspheme. Dr. Nahar is a born-again Christian.

Paul Kerr:
[looks from Dr. Bridget to Dr. Nahar and back] And you're worried about me?

Paul Kerr:
I'm warning you, if this is a Jehovah's witness, he's about to witness your ass getting kicked.

Paul Kerr:
I just think its amazing that I bought a house so close to here. It's like Kermit!

Rebecca Edmonds:
You mean kismet, Kermit's a frog you idiot!

Rebecca Edmonds:
I don't want her to be a singer.

Paul Kerr:
It's too late, she already is.

Olivia Edmonds:
You got any other kids?

Paul Kerr:
No... you?

Dr. Bridget:
What if you have a bipolar disorder and I let you go and you commit suicide? I would never forgive myself.

Paul Kerr:
Dr. Nahar can forgive you. He's a born-again Christian!

Evil Edmonds - The BeeLzeeBOPS:
[re: Olivia's moped] Still riding that little hairdyer, are you? I thought you'd've had a Harley by now.

Olivia Edmonds:
Try telling Mum.

Evil Edmonds - The BeeLzeeBOPS:
Poor mother, white sheep of the family.

Evil Edmonds - The BeeLzeeBOPS:
[while watching a music video] Oh, lord! Put some clothes on. You look like a bloody prostitute!

Paul Kerr:
[to the man who keeps playing the same note on a piano] Hey, Liberace! Could you play something else, *please*. [man starts playing slightly higher note in the exact same manner]

Dr. Bridget:
Why have you got toilet paper in your ears?

Paul Kerr:
I can't hear you. I've got toilet paper in my ears.

Drew:
[discussing what could happen in Paul were in the psych ward permanently] I definitely don't want any bloody kids coming here and stealing cars and such.

Graham:
Well that's exactly what might happen. Or worse.

Mary:
What could be worse?

Graham:
What if the place were bought by an American? [everyone gives a horrified gasp]

Drew:
It's our duty as a community to gather round one of our number who has hit a dark patch on life's long and winding road.

Paul Kerr:
[to the man who keeps playing the same note on the piano as he's added a second note] Ok, that's better, but it's still crap. You see, the piano is capable of producing music of atmospheric and incandescent beauty. You, my friend, are turning it into an instrument of unspeakable torture.

Paul Kerr:
Ok, what? What is it? Who are you? Some kind of born-again Christian talk you out of suicide squad?

Paul Kerr:
[after meeting Olivia and Mary pretending to be his wife] I'm having a very strange day.

Rebecca Edmonds:
You can't light a fire in my driveway!

Evil Edmonds - The BeeLzeeBOPS:
You can't eat a raw chicken!

Digger:
[re: Dolly the llama] Looks like a gay sheep.

Digger:
I outta kick your ass for killing an innocent motorcycle.

Paul Kerr:
[putting down a whiskey] I'm not stopping. I'm having one later, ok.

Digger:
That's the ticket. One day at a time.

Paul Kerr:
Yeah, yeah. Cumbaya to you too.

Paul Kerr:
[after Digger kicks a ball wide of the goal] Maybe it's time you take up knitting.

Digger:
Yeah, well maybe it's time you started the amends process, mate.

Paul Kerr:
Hey, I got her pregnant and left her to raise the kid on her own. How do you make amends for that, eh?

Digger:
I don't know. A nice bunch of flowers. Box of chocolates.

Paul Kerr:
[sarcasticly] Flowers and a box of chocolates, why didn't I think of that? Problem solved!

Paul Kerr:
The chocolates are for you and the flowers are for Rebecca, your mum. Unless you want the flowers. And we can give her the chocolates. Or you could have them both and we could get her something else entirely. You know, like a bottle of wine or a fruit basket or some sort of cheese.

Olivia Edmonds:
That will be lovely for both of us. We'll fight over them later.

Paul Kerr:
What's there in Loch Ness apart from the obvious?

Digger:
Well, the thing is, I've got a girl up there.

Paul Kerr:
You never mentioned that.

Digger:
Well I thought you'd laugh.

Paul Kerr:
Thought I'd laugh because you've got a girlfriend at Loch Ness. Why? Is her name Nessie?

Digger:
Well, that's the thing, yeah. Her name's Nessie, Nessie McDonald.

Paul Kerr:
Oh

[hides his face trying not to laugh]

Digger:
How dare you.

Paul Kerr:
[bursts into laughter] You're kidding me.

[Digger starts laughing as well]

Paul Kerr:
It's a lovely name. Sorry.

[Digger shushes Paul after they're woken by someone ringing the doorbell and knocking in the middle of the night]

Paul Kerr:
[whispering] Who is it?

Digger:
[whispering] It might be burglars.

Paul Kerr:
[whispering] They don't usually ring the bell.

Paul Kerr:
Hello, who are you?

Dr. Bridget:
You don't recognise your father-in-law?

Paul Kerr:
My, god, Dad! I didn't recognise you in the leather trousers.

Drew:
Pretending to be a loony's wife to spring him from hospital? Yes, I suspect that's highly illegal!

Graham:
Oh, so we could have you arrested for not arresting us.

Graham:
So, don't go trying to kill yourself again.

Drew:
Apart from anything else, it's against the law.

Graham:
It's illegal see?

Paul Kerr:
No, I won't. Too many interesting things going on.

Rebecca Edmonds:
Why are you always asking me for money?

Olivia Edmonds:
I'm a teenager. It's our thing.

Rebecca Edmonds:
It wasn't what you think.

Olivia Edmonds:
It was. It was Paul Kerr, my father. He didn't want his kid around cramping his style.

Rebecca Edmonds:
No.

Olivia Edmonds:
My father didn't want me.

Rebecca Edmonds:
He doesn't know.

Olivia Edmonds, Evil Edmonds - The BeeLzeeBOPS:
What?

Rebecca Edmonds:
Well, what if he'd taken you away with all his fancy lawyers and given you one of those stupid popstar kids' names, like Flowerbell or-or Moonbeam or-or Kipper or something?

Evil Edmonds - The BeeLzeeBOPS:
You would have grown up the child of somebody famous. Would that be a good idea? Julian Lennon, Victoria Sellers... Mickey Humperdink?