I Can Do Bad All by Myself

Joe:
Mabel? What the hell wrong with you? You don't be coming...

Madea:
Wake the Hell up.

Joe:
You about to give me a heart attack.You too ugly to be waking somebody up in the middle of night, I told you that.You gotta ease that ugly up on people. You can't just show it to them all at once.

Jennifer:
You brought his insulin. I was gonna do it.

Sandino:
Well, now you don't have to.

Jennifer:
Why are you so nice to us?

Sandino:
I don't understand that question.

Jennifer:
You nice, why?

Sandino:
Why not? You shold expect people to be nice to you. You shouldn't expect people to be mean.

Jennifer:
Not in ths world.

Sandino:
You get what you expect, right?

Jennifer:
I guess.

Sandino:
You do a great job with your brothers.

Jennifer:
I'm all they got.

Madea:
What's going on with you?

Jennifer:
My grandma died.

Madea:
Aw I'm sorry to hear that, baby.

Jennifer:
My Aunt April's gonna send us back to foster care. They gonna separate us. I'm all Manny and Byron got. If we separate, I don't know what I'm gonna do. [sobs]

Madea:
Calm yourself down, honey. Calm down. Getting all worked up.

Jennifer:
Can we stay with you?

Madea:
Huh?

Jennifer:
Nobody wants us!

Madea:
That ain't true. Somebody wants you.

Jennifer:
I'm only 16. I don't know how to handle all this!

Madea:
Living takes a lifetime. You got a whole lot more living to do, honey. You gonna make it. Hush, now. Gotta keep getting up every day, one day at a time. You'll make it.

Jennifer:
My Grandma Rose used to tell us to pray about things like this.

Madea:
Then that's what you ought to do, pray about it, talk to the Lord about it. He'll help you.

Jennifer:
Yeah but she only told us to pray. She never told us how. Would you teach me?

Madea:
Huh?

Jennifer:
Please!

Madea:
Show you how to pray?

Jennifer:
Yeah.

Madea:
Oh, Lord, child, I ain't talked to God since the last time I saw a cop in my rearview mirror. I guess I can try. You know the number?

Jennifer:
The what?

Madea:
The number. To call him. They say, "Jesus On the Mainline." I don't know the number. Okay, sit back. Bow your head. First, giving honor to God, to the head of my life. [sings] Father, I stretch my hand... to thee. Father God. God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. God of Shadrach, Meshach and the billy goat, who was in the fiery furnace that they barbecued on the day of Pentecost when the Jewish people returned from the Sabbath day up on the mountaintop in Ethiopia. God of Mary J. Blige...

Jennifer:
Madea, that doesn't sound right. That's not how Mama Rose used to do it.

Madea:
You ain't feel it? You ain't feel the anointing?

Jennifer:
No.

Madea:
Alright. Well, look, I don't know nothing about praying. But all praying is is talking to God and having a conversation with him. And at the end, you say the name of Jesus. That's your stamp that will get it up there to him. You hear?

Jennifer:
Okay.

Madea:
You know who you remind me of right now? You remind me of Peter. You know who Peter was? Peter was one of the twelve disciplines. And they were out on a boat near an isle in the Greek Atlantic Ocean. And when they was on this boat, a storm rose up and the twelve disciplines, they got really, really worried and upset. They said, "Oh Lord, what are we gonna do?" and they saw something coming towards them that looked like a ghost. But it wasn't a ghost. It was Jesus. And Peter said, "Jesus, if that's you then let me come out to you." You gotta be careful what you ask the Lord for. So Jesus said, "Come on out." So Peter stepped out of the boat and was walking on the water.

Jennifer:
He was walking on water?

Madea:
On the water. He was walking on the water toward Jesus. Long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he stayed on top of the water. He took his eyes off him though. You know why? He got distracted. You know why he got distracted? See, this is what you got to do. When you got your eye on Jesus, you can't get distracted by nothing. Jonah passed by in the belly of the whale. He looked down, Free Willy, with Jonah inside the belly and it made him distracted so he started to sink. He said, "Jesus, Jesus, help me." Jesus said, "I can't. I got to go to Calvary. I'm late." So Jesus went on to the cross. He said, "Don't worry though. I'm gonna send you a comforter. When the comforter come, you gonna be alright." So he's swimming. He try and swim. He was worried. And Jaws was coming. Spielberg did that Jaws thing. And he was surrounded. You know what happened?

Jennifer:
What?

Madea:
Just in the nick of time... See this is what I'm talking about, when you think you ain't gonna make it, in the nick of time, something happens. Noah came up in the arch. That's right, Noah came rowing up in the arch of St. Louis Arch. He pulled right up beside him. Peter got on there, he said, "Thank you for saving me." Noah said, "No problem, man. It's cool. What up, fool?" So he showed him around. Noah had turned the arch into a cruise ship cause he ain't have nothing to do after he saved the world. Hey, you know who was on there? Eve.

Jennifer:
Eve?

Madea:
She was in the VIP section. And Peter asked, he said, "Eve, come on, go to the show." So she went to see this show. They had tigers. You know, they had two tigers, two bears, two lions. You know how they had the male and the female. Well, Siegfried and Roy was there, and they had the two lions there. And them Lions jumped up and scratched Eve. That's how Eve get them two paws there. You ever see Eve with the paws? She got two paws right there. Read your Bible some time, honey. Read your Bible.