I Love You, Man

Peter:
Toates Magotes

Peter:
Slappa da bass

Sydney Fife:
Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah? [winks] Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

Sydney Fife:
THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!

Joyce Klaven:
Peter always connected better with women.

Zooey:
You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.

Peter:
Thank you fiancee.

Oswald Klaven:
Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.

Peter:
Oh come on!

Zooey:
Good to know.

Oswald:
Kid had a Speedo full of Brillo.

Peter:
So what do I do? How do I make friends?

Robbie:
If you see a cool-looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.

Peter:
Okay.

Robbie:
You know what I mean?

Peter:
No.

Robbie:
Casual lunch or after-work drinks. You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.

Peter:
Ohhhh, God I love that movie. [Robbie gives him a look] No, I won't.

Peter:
I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the realtor.

Sydney:
Hey, check out these two. That guy needs to fart.

Peter:
He does seem to be clenching.

Sydney:
Watch the leg. Boom!

Peter:
He farted in my open house.

Sydney:
He sure did. Look at him, crop dusting across your open house.

Man In Open House:
[after trying to discreetly fart at an open house] I like it, but I'm not sure about the space...I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.

Sydney:
Totally, and it smells like fart. Make sure you roll down the windows on the way home, sweetheart.

Sydney:
[on phone] Just meet me at Muscle Beach in like... I don't know... half an hour?

Peter:
Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.

Sydney:
That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not.

Peter:
No, I'll be there. I'll be there.

Sydney:
[laughing] Alright I'll see you then, buddy.

Peter:
Alright. Laters on the menjay. [Hangs up] What did I just say?

Sydney:
Society tells us we're civilized, but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.

Peter:
Blaaah!

Sydney:
Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.

Sydney:
You get home safe, Pistol.

Peter:
You got it, Joben.

Sydney:
I'm sorry, what?

Peter:
Er...nothing.

Sydney:
No, what did you say?

Peter:
Nah, I don't know. You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you..."Joben". It means nothing. I don't...I'm drunk, I'm gonna call a cab.

Sydney:
Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girlfriend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is wrong with you?

Peter:
What's wrong with that?

Sydney:
Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!

Doug:
I just wish I could take back that kiss...

Sydney:
Woah!

Doug:
...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.

Peter:
It wasn't the taste of betrayal!

Doug:
It was the taste of betrayal.

Peter:
It wasn't the ta...

Doug:
It was the taste of betrayal... you f***ing whore!

[Storms off]

Peter:
I can actually explain that.

Sydney:
I would love to hear that!

Peter:
Look man, you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright? You owe me.

Sydney:
You make a valid point.

Peter:
Hey Mel? Do you have any plans on June 30th?

Mel:
I'm 89 years old, what the f*** kind of plans would I have?

Peter:
I love you, man.

Sydney:
I love you, too, bud.

Peter:
I love you, dude.

Sydney:
I love you, Bro Montana.

Peter:
I love you, Holmes.

Sydney:
I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

Peter:
I love you, muchacha.

Sydney:
I love you, Tycho Brohe.

Peter Klaven:
Totally... Totes McGotes.

Peter Klaven:
Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!

Sydney Fife:
Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.

Doug:
Hi Peter, I saw your billboards, they're spectacular. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Best of luck with Sydney, if you're not still together... you can Facebook me.