iCarly

[Repeated line]

Freddie:
In 5, 4, 3, 2... [signals Carly and Sam to start iCarly]

Carly Shay:
[repeated line] Aw, come on!

[repeated line]

Freddie:
[after finishing iCarly] And we're clear!

Sam Puckett:
[after Mrs Benson has introduced everyone, Sam comments on Courtney's eyewear] Uh... cool glasses.

Mrs. Benson:
Shhh! She has vision problems.

Dr. Shole:
Her vision problem is a condition called bilateral optic stenosis.

Gibby:
Oh really? I have that too.

Courtney:
You do?

Gibby:
No... I was just trying to make you feel better. Way to ruin it.

Courtney:
I watched your 3D webcast the other night.

Freddie Benson:
Great! So now you're going to sue me?

Dr. Shole:
Are you kidding?

Courtney:
You cured my bilateral optic stenosis.

Freddie Benson:
Huh?

Dr. Shole:
She's been to over a dozen eye doctors since she was a little girl.

Courtney:
None of them could fix me

Dr. Shole:
But after she watched your webcast her vision became totally normal.

Freddie Benson:
Her vi... really?

Dr. Shole:
It's a miracle. You have to share your technology with the American optometric association.

Courtney:
You'll help cure tens of people

Sam Puckett:
Courtney, I see you brought your camera, you want a picture with Freddie?

Courtney:
No; but could I get one with Baggles?

Freddie Benson:
Goodbye Courtney.

Dr. Shole:
[Courtney makes one of her animal-like noises] She still does that though.

[before meeting Freddie's online girlfriend]

Freddie Benson:
Sam, swear you'll be nice.

Sam Puckett:
Oh, I'll swear.

[Carly and Freddie are looking through binoculars in an RV]

Freddie Benson:
See anything?

Carly Shay:
Just trees... and some bushes... and two squirrels wrestling.

Freddie Benson:
Carly?

Carly Shay:
Yeah?

Freddie Benson:
They're not wrestling.

Carly Shay:
[disturbed] Oh.

Spencer:
I once met a freaky rabbi in vegas.

Brad:
Morgan, I thought you were watching our new show.

Morgan:
It's lame daddy.

[on a bad TV sitcom]

TV Dad:
But Michelle, why would you accept two dates to the prom but not tell either boy one about the other?

Michelle:
Because, Daddy. Luke is so sweet, but Brandon is so hot!

TV Dad:
Aw, Noodles!

Sam:
[sticks her BBQ ribs to Freddie's face to show how thick the sauce is] *That's* good BBQ sauce. [picks them off his face and eats them]

Freddie:
[in shock, to Carly] You understand that it's wrong.

Carly Shay:
Yes.

Carly Shay:
You love Spaghetti Tacos and you sing a song while making them.

Spencer Shay:
Heh heh, the only time I sing is at Church.

Sam:
The least we can do is nothing.

[introducing another iCarly webcast]

Carly Shay:
I'm Carly.

Sam:
I'm on parole.

Carly Shay, Sam:
And this is iCarly.

Sam:
The webshow watched by smart people...

Carly Shay:
...and idiots. You know which one you are.

Spencer Shay:
I got the first aid kit!

Carly Shay:
Ok give me the spray stuff.

Spencer Shay:
The what stuff?

Carly Shay:
I don't know what its called, the boo-boo spray.

Carly:
I give glasses with feet girl an eight.

Freddie:
I give her a nine.

Sam:
Seven, but I give Freddy a negative two.

Freddie:
Why?

Sam:
Just for being you.

[Carly and Freddie listen to her stereo]

Freddie:
I like this song. [putting his arm around Carly] Pretty romantic, huh? You feeling the mood?

[a toilet flushes in the background]

Carly Shay:
Yeah, I'm feeling the mood.

[Sam promises Carly concert tickets]

Carly:
Well, that'd be awesome, but those tickets have been sold out for months.

Sam:
You let me worry about that. I've got ways, Carly Shay. And do you know what else I've got?

Freddie:
Pimples on your butt?

[Freddie and Sam glare at each other momentarily, then Freddie takes off]

Sam:
He was smart to run.

Spencer:
Look, in my life, I've learned a few things about girls.

Freddie:
Like?...

Spencer:
Like when you break up with them, they do not like it when you ask out their sisters. That will get you a fork in your arm.

Freddie:
Our fans don't like it when best friends fight. Neither do I.

Carly Shay:
Aw Sam, you're crying.

Sam:
No, Freddie's just... such a dork it makes me emotional sometimes.

Carly:
Oh all you ever think about is ham.

Sam:
I'd rather have a shirt made of ham.

Carly:
Don't you give me ultimatums.

Sam:
Don't use words I can't understand.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Freddie:
Now usually I'm behind the camera...

Sam:
Where you should be.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Freddie:
See, Carly and Sam are in a big fight, and both girls think they're right.

Carly:
I *am* right.

Sam:
You *am* wrong.

Carly:
You *am* obnoxious.

Carly:
My hair feels like it was attacked by a vacuum cleaner.

Sam:
Mine feels like it's been yanked by a Freddie.

Sam:
Dirkenshnoff!

Carly:
Dirkenshnoff?

Sam:
Yea, It's foreign for good evening!

Carly:
In what language?

Sam:
Foreignese!

Carly:
Okay, I don't believe you. But I have no proof so,

Sam, Carly:
Dirkenshnoff!

Carly Shay:
Sam, this is my uncle Barry, my aunt Tess, and my cousins Ozlottis and Faye.

Sam Puckett:
Uh... what's that thing around his neck?

Mrs. Dorfman:
Oh, Ozlottis has a scab on his chin.

Dr. Dorfman:
The cone keeps him from picking at it!

[Ozlottis nods affirmatively]

Sam Puckett:
I'm out.

Carly Shay:
We'll be right back.

[takes Sam aside]

Carly Shay:
You said you'd stay and have dinner with us!

Sam Puckett:
Yes. Then I met them!

[Spencer and Freddie before a swordfight]

Spencer:
En Garde!

Freddie:
Oh Gosh!

[in response to being called a "twig"]

Carly Shay:
I'm getting curvier everyday.

Freddie Benson:
[checking her out] I know.

Carly Shay:
[not approving] Eyes up dude.

[Spencer leaves his supper date in the kitchen to answer the door; Freddie and Gibby are there]

Spencer Shay:
Oh. Hey, guys!

Gibby:
'Sup?

Freddie Benson:
Carly here?

Spencer Shay:
Nah, she and Sam went to Build-A-Bra.

Gibby:
They're always kicking me outta that place!

Freddie Benson:
[Freddie gives him a strange look] Yeah.

[Spencer runs out of his bedroom with his laptop]

Spencer Shay:
Hey, guess what just happened!

Sam Puckett:
Your belly button started talking to you?

Spencer Shay:
No. But that would be so cool.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Sam Puckett:
Okay, are you ready for this?

Carly Shay:
We are gonna give away a new car

Sam Puckett:
[sing-song] A new car!

Carly Shay:
From Flanken Motors.

Sam Puckett:
The best flanken car dealership in Seattle.

Carly Shay:
Ready for your new car?

Nevel Papperman:
[sarcastic] Yes, my heart is pounding.

Sam Puckett:
Good. Maybe it'll explode.

[Sam comes over]

Sam Puckett:
Where's Carly? I've been calling and texting her for hours.

Spencer Shay:
She's been in the shower.

Sam Puckett:
All day?

Spencer Shay:
Pretty much. She takes really long showers when she gets depressed.

Sam Puckett:
Well, when do you think she's going to come out?

Spencer Shay:
I don't know. She took a chair in there.

Carly Shay:
[Nevel, Spencer and LCC Inspector Bullock are waiting outside the LCC building when Carly, Sam and Freddie arrive in the modified Space vehicle prop] Here you go Nevel.

Sam Puckett:
Congratulations winner.

Nevel Papperman:
[Scoffs] What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iCarly off the hook?

Carly Shay:
Yeah.

Sam Puckett:
We think it will. Carly, would you say that this vehicle is "unique"?

Carly Shay:
Oh it is clearly unique. Freddie has it ever been state registered?

Freddie Benson:
Why no Carly, it hasn't.

Carly Shay:
Mr Bullock?

LCC Inspector Bullock:
If it can travel at a speed of at least 25 miles per hour, it technically qualifies as a new car

Nevel Papperman:
[Sceptical] Well let's just see, let's just see if this thing can do 25. [Gets in] Okay. [starts engine and vehicle zooms off with Nevel screaming and then crashes off screen] .

Carly Shay:
You think he hit 25 miles per hour?

Spencer Shay:
Oh yeah.

LCC Inspector Bullock:
You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you're doing at least 25.

Carly Shay:
[returning from vacation to find Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo partying in the apartment] What is going on here?

Sam Puckett:
I'm cooking steaks.

Freddie Benson:
Playing video games.

T-Bo:
I'm in a kiddie pool!

Gibby:
Gibby!

Gibby:
[excited over One Direction] Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Freddie Benson:
I know what might motivate Harry to get out of bed and back on stage.

Sam Puckett:
You think I should work him over with a butter sock?

Carly Shay:
You know, I really, really don't.

Zayn Malik:
[sounding surprised] Did she say a butter sock?

Liam Payne:
[also surprised] Is that a sock?

Louis Tomlinson:
[completing Liam's line] Full of butter?

Colonel Steven Shay:
You would have been a great lawyer.

Spencer Shay:
I would have been the worst lawyer.

Colonel Steven Shay:
I know. [they hug]

[last lines]

Freddie Benson:
And... we're clear.

[the gang are about to start the last iCarly show]

Freddie Benson:
In five, four, three, two...

Carly Shay:
I'm Carly!

Sam Puckett:
I'm Sam! And this is a very special...

Freddie Benson:
And I'm Freddie. Yeah, that's right. I interrupted and introduced myself. What are they gonna do, fire me?

Carly Shay:
I'm leaving in a few minutes.

Freddie Benson:
Yeah, I know. Better not be late, or your dad's gonna be wazzed off.

Carly Shay:
You know, you don't have to take all your tech stuff home tonight.

Freddie Benson:
Yeah, but I figured I might as well get a head start. Tomorrow, I promised Gibby I'd help him do some research on the proper care and feeding of weasels, so... I figured the sooner I get this equipment out of here, the sooner I can take it down to... [Carly takes his hand and he stops talking. Then she leans in and kisses him. They have an awkward moment afterwards]

Carly Shay:
So, I'll get my bags and take them downstairs.

Freddie Benson:
Why don't I help you with those bags?

Carly Shay:
Yeah, that'd be nice. [when Carly turns around, Freddie throws his hands victoriously up in the air, knowing he finally succeeded in getting Carly to kiss him]

Carly Shay:
I'm Carly.

Sam Puckett:
I'm Sam.

Carly Shay:
And this has been...

Carly Shay, Sam Puckett:
iCarly.

Mr. Howard:
You think that just because you're on a popular webshow that you deserves some kind of special treatment?

Sam Puckett:
Uh, yeah.

Sam Puckett:
Hey! What if we kidnap Howard and keep him tied up 'til after the show?

Carly Shay:
[exasperated] Okay, what have I told you about kidnapping?

Sam Puckett:
It's illegal and rude...

Carly Shay:
Good girl.

Carly Shay:
Who knew getting in trouble would be so impossible?

Freddie Benson:
I gotta give you credit, Sam. You make it look easy.

Sam Puckett:
Years of practice.

Sam Puckett:
Hey, thanks for that fire alarm. You saved me from giving an oral report on "Scarlet's Web."

Carly Shay:
You were too lazy to read the book?

Sam Puckett:
I was too lazy to see the movie.

[in Detention]

Mr. Howard:
Now, you are all here because you are the worst this school has to offer! I am here because I believe in punishment and discipline. And I hate you all! Alright, I'll be down the hall in the teachers' lounge, watching the Geometry Channel. While I am gone, there is to be no talking! I hope you have a terrible time!

[during Carly's webcast]

Carly Shay:
I'm Carly!

Sam Puckett:
And I'm Sam!

Carly Shay:
And maybe you've noticed...

Sam Puckett:
...this isn't our usual iCarly studio.

Carly Shay:
And if you *haven't* noticed...

Sam Puckett:
Scrape that crud outta your eyes!

Carly Shay:
[during her webcast] Okay, we were talking about the things kids do that get 'em detention.

Sam Puckett:
Why look. It's a gold member of the detention club right here.

Carly Shay:
It's 9th Grader, Ripoff Rodney.

Ripoff Rodney:
Please, call me "Ripoff."

Sam Puckett:
Okay! So you got anything else to say to the iCarly fans of the world?

Ripoff Rodney:
Yeah. I've got a special this week on burritos.

[opens up his jacket to reveal a bunch of burritos]

Ripoff Rodney:
Two for six bucks.

Carly Shay:
And do they contain quality meat?

Ripoff Rodney:
No they do not.

[kids start crowding around Ripoff Rodney]

[on the iCarly webcast]

Sam:
Tell 'em why we got detention.

Carly Shay:
'Cause we're naughty.

[Carly unscrews the teacher's chair]

Teacher:
[walking into the room] Alright kids, the sooner we start, the sooner we finish, so everybody, let's take a seat. [sits down, the chair breaks, and she falls to the floor] What happened to my chair?

Carly Shay:
[standing up] I did it... with whatever this is. [holds up a ratchet] Do I get detention?

Teacher:
[joyfully] Absolutely not. An on-the-job accident means the school has to give me a two month paid vacation while I recover! Bye!

[takes her bag and leaves]

Girl:
Carly, what's the signal for "Mr. Howard's coming?"

Carly Shay:
Uh... Dippity-doo.

Girl:
DIPPITY-DOO!

Carly Shay:
That's insane.

Spencer:
It's okay, it's decaf.

Gibby:
[after jumping out of Carly's birthday pie] I couldn't breathe in there!

Spencer:
I told you to breathe through the tube.

Gibby:
I couldn't find the tube!

Spencer:
Oh, I forgot the tube...

Freddy:
Well, the thermostat's at 90.

Spencer:
Whoa, 90 degrees?

Sam:
No, 90 pickles. Yes, 90 degrees!

Spencer:
...No need to be hurtful.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Sam:
So, what ever will happen on this new and exciting webisode of iCarly?

Carly Shay:
I'm glad you asked.

Sam:
I'm glad you're glad. Are you glad I'm glad you're glad?

Carly Shay:
Weird. I'm becoming less glad!

Carly Shay:
Spencer has been trapped in an air vent, Spencer are you ok in there?

Spencer:
No

Carly Shay:
Well just hang in there

Spencer:
Sure

Spencer Shay:
Well, when someone's in a new relationship, it's like they're blind to everything else but that other person. Like when I started dating that girl, Jennifer. I had a bad case of poison ivy for two whole weeks and I didn't even know.

Freddie Benson:
What made you finally notice?

Spencer Shay:
Well, it spread... to places.

Freddie Benson:
Where?

[Spencer motions for Freddie to let him whisper into his ear]

Freddie Benson:
Ugh!

[Carly gathers kids from Ridgeway to get Ms. Briggs and Mr. Howard removed as co-principals]

Shawn:
If I come up with a plan that helps us achieve this goal...

Carly Shay:
Yeah?

Shawn:
Would you consider being my girlfriend?

Carly Shay:
If you come up with a plan that comepletley smooths out the Middle East, I'm not going to be your girlfriend.

Carly:
[referring to Spencer and Miss Ackerman's dating problems] I think I know how we can fix this...

Freddy, Sam:
Really? How?

Carly:
iCarly.

Freddy:
Our webshow?

Sam:
Naw, our potato farm!

Carly:
Miss Ackerman, you don't need to yell at Freddie in front of the whole class.

Miss Ackerman:
Oh, look. More backtalk from the sass-master.

Carly:
I am not "the sass-master!" And it's wrong for you to be mean to Freddie just because your boyfriend broke up with you!

Sam:
Wow, Carlls. Maybe you *are* the sass-master.

Carly:
Miss Ackerman?

Miss Ackerman:
Hi, Carly.

Carly:
Hi. Um, not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you standing on my brother?

Spencer Shay:
'Cause she has magic feet.

Miss Ackerman:
I spent six months in Thailand learning the art of back walking massage.

Spencer Shay:
[getting up] Those Thaila-manians taught you good.

Freddie:
What are we gonna do?

Sam:
We're gonna tell Spencer to call Miss Ackerman and start dating her again.

Carly:
No, I'm not gonna make my brother's life miserable just to make our life easier.

Sam:
Come on, having a miserable life's not all that bad.

[suddenly creepy]

Sam:
Sometimes my mother laughs...

Freddie:
Why can't Spencer just date her?

Carly Shay:
Because the woman is a big bottle of crazy sauce!

Miss Ackerman:
You set me up!

Freddy:
That's a lie!

Carly:
No we set her up.

Freddy:
Oh yeah.

Carly:
Spencer it's been four hours, I think you need to get off the kitchen table.

Spencer:
Why? Is Santa Claus here to tell me I'm ugly and have no friends?

Freddie Benson:
Hey, why did it take you guys so long to get home from school?

Sam Puckett:
Because my mom had to stop at Save-Mart to pick up her ointment. Any more questions?

Freddie Benson:
When I grow up, I wonder what kind of girl would want to marry me.

[Sam bites pillow to avoid insulting Freddie]

Freddie Benson:
After I take a shower, my mom makes me sign a piece of paper promising that I shampooed twice.

[Sam throws herself on the floor, pounding her fists and kicking her legs]

Carly:
[walks in] Should I call an ambulance?

[showing Spencer's art on her webcast]

Sam Puckett:
Okay...

Carly:
Look at this next sculpture.

Sam Puckett:
It's a robot...

Carly:
- made out of soda bottles.

Sam Puckett:
His eyes light up red...

Carly:
- whether he's angry or not.

Sam Puckett:
Now, this sculpture is called...

Carly:
The Bottle-bot.

Sam Puckett:
Not to be confused with "Bubble-butt," which is what I call our teacher, the horrible Ms. Briggs.

Carly:
Why say that live on the web? She already hates you.

Sam Puckett:
Which means I have nothing to lose.

Freddie Benson:
So what did you say in your e-mail to get Joyner to come here?

Carly:
It wasn't what I said. It was the pictures I attached of Spencer's sculptures.

Sam Puckett:
Joyner liked them?

Carly:
I guess. He said he wanted to come see 'em in person.

Freddie Benson:
That is so cool!

Sam Puckett:
You know what else is cool?

Freddie Benson:
What?

Sam Puckett:
Not you!

Freddie Benson:
Anytime a chance comes along for you to insult me, you just gotta jump on it!

Carly:
You really should be nicer to him.

Freddie Benson:
Ha! She couldn't be nicer to me if she tried 'cause, she has no self control.

Sam Puckett:
I have oodles of self control! I self control myself all the time!

Freddie Benson:
Do you even know what Harry Joyner looks like?

Carly:
Yeah, you know, he looks like a man. With a face, and... hair.

Sam Puckett:
[sarcastically] Yeah, I have an uncle that looks a lot like that!

Sam Puckett:
That dentist dude's really going to pay you $1000 for that?

Spencer:
Paid, in advance.

Freddie Benson:
Yeah!

Sam Puckett:
Sweet!

Spencer:
And since you guys helped me get my art career back, [hands Sam money] $40 for you, [hands Freddie money] $40 for you, and... [walks across the room to hand Carly money]... $41 for my little sister.

Carly:
Aww. I'm special.

Carly Shay:
[on Freddie's newfound freedom] I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never let's you wear open-toed shoes.

Freddie Benson:
Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Lewbert I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night, I slept with my socks on.

Sam Puckett:
So?

Freddie Benson:
*Just* my socks.

[introducing their show]

Carly Shay:
Hey, if you're looking at your computer screen right now...

Sam Puckett:
...and you see Carly and me...

Carly Shay:
Then congratulations...

Sam Puckett:
You're watching iCarly. However...

Carly Shay:
...if you're looking into your toilet bowl right now...

Sam Puckett:
...and you see a live monkey speaking Spanish...

Carly Shay:
You're hallucinating!

[as Lewbert returns to work]

Spencer Shay:
...and I wrote down all your phone messages in here, which I've organized into three piles; From your mother, Death threats, and Death threats from your mother.

Mrs. Benson:
Why is the counter wet and sticky?

[Spencer stammers]

Mrs. Benson:
Wet and sticky is very icky. Sticky and wet makes mommy upset.

Spencer Shay:
I don't know how to respond to that.

Mrs. Benson:
[comforting Lewbert after he's injured] Aww, you poor thing. You look horrible.

Sam Puckett:
He looked horrible before the accident.

Marissa Benson:
Wet and sticky is very icky, sticky and wet makes mommy upset.

Freddie Benson:
You put a dead fish in my locker, I handcuffed you to Gibby. Now we're even.

Carly Shay:
Yay. Who wants lemonade?

[Sam yanks him by his shirt]

Sam Puckett:
I don't play to get even. Mama plays to win.

Foot:
[Carly is watching a video of a foot with lips] Hey! Hey! I'm not here for your entertainment! I'm a foot! Leave me alone!

Carly Shay:
Oh, foot.

[Carly and Sam walk into Carly's apartment]

Spencer Shay:
Hey, where've you guys been.

Sam Puckett:
A movie.

Carly Shay:
We saw "The First Kiss."

Spencer Shay:
Eww. How was it?

Sam Puckett:
Same as every other stupid teen chick movie ever made.

Carly Shay:
It made me embarrassed to be a teen chick.

Sam:
We could just tell him he can't sing on our show because he sounds like a pile of poo.

Carly:
No we can't tell him he's to poo-ish to sing on our show

Freddy:
So, you're tall, you're athletic, every girl in school thinks you're hot, and now you're a musician? CAN YOU FLY?

Jake Krandle:
Well actually, my uncle's a pilot and he's been giving me some flying lessons...

Freddy:
OH FORGET IT!

Carly:
Okay, it's not like me to get all crazy about a hot guy like Jake Krandle.

Sam:
But...

Carly:
But, Oh my God, he's so hot, I want to bake cookies on him!

Sam:
I'd eat those cookies.

Carly:
I need to make myself attractive!

Carly Shay:
Sir, you have to let her leave. We are doing iCarly tomorrow night.

Chief Security Guard:
I what?

Freddie Benson:
It's a popular web show.

Chief Security Guard:
It can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.

Sam Puckett:
It's not for 'old' people.

Chief Security Guard:
Look, she stays! You people leave!

Spencer Shay:
That is the last time I'll ever lie.

Carly Shay:
Last, but not "yeest"!

Carly Shay:
"iCarly" starts in 30 seconds, and I'm here alone!

Gibby:
I'll try not to take that the wrong way.

Carly Shay:
[to Sam and Freddie] So, last week you two made me your volunteery couples counsellor, then you edited me out of "Superbra", and tonight you made me do "iCarly" all by myself!

Gibby:
What am I, a mushroom?

[closing out an iCarly webcast]

Carly:
Till next time...

Sam:
...Get plenty of sleep...

Carly:
...Eat lots of dirt...

Sam:
...and scream at the sky.

Carly:
Gibby, maybe you want to put your vest back on?

Gibby:
What are you? A cop?

[after a makeover by Carly]

Sam:
I feel like a daffodil.

Carly:
Good. Embrace your inner daffodility.

[urging Sam to approach a boy she likes, while "Girlified"]

Carly:
Go! Come on! Daffodility!

Sam:
[groans] That's not even a word.

[Sam faces a bully after a makeover]

Sam:
I know I've changed and all, but just how bad would it be if for one second I ripped her head off her body?

[after being attacked by a bully]

Carly:
Sam?

Sam:
Yeah?

Carly:
Rip her head off!

Carly:
Now to close the show, a song for Sam!

Carly:
[singing with ensemble, excluding Sam and Freddie] HAPPY BIR...

Freddie Benson:
[behind camera] Ah, stop! Stop! Stop! Not PD.

Carly:
[rolling eyes, singing with ensemble] FOR SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW!...

Carly Shay:
Until next time, stay in school,

Sam Puckett:
Recycle,

Carly Shay:
Pour milk on your parents,

Sam Puckett:
Hug a duck,

Carly Shay:
Eat a stick of butter,

Sam Puckett:
And shampoo a squirrel, goodbye!

Freddie:
He's a jerk.

Sam:
You're the queen of the jerks!

[Freddie's mother found his "apartment"]

Mrs. Benson:
Actually, I think living on your own will be a positive thing for you. Perhaps you'll even...

[suddenly becomes demanding]

Mrs. Benson:
You get up to your room this instant, Freddie Benson! I'm your mother and you will do as I say!

Freddie:
No.

Mrs. Benson:
[to Carly] I blame you.

Carly Shay:
Me?

Mrs. Benson:
You're the one who got Freddie interested in girls, and ever since then his boy chemistry's been all out of whack.

Freddie:
Mom, I'm perfectly in whack.

[Sam devises a plan to destroy the Petographers]

Sam Puckett:
They hit us, we hit 'em back... harder. That's the Seattle way.

Freddie:
So, you mean we trash their studio?

Sam Puckett:
No, Freddie, I mean we rub ourselves with sweet mustard and sing show tunes.

[Spencer walks in the door as Carly sits on the couch]

Spencer Shay:
Hey, kiddo.

Carly Shay:
Hey, adult-o.

Principal Franklin:
Before I announce the winner, I feel compelled to tell you the worst guess, which was 5.

[holds up a piece of paper signed by Gibby]

Gibby:
I won? I won!

[starts taking off his shirt]

Principal Franklin:
No Gibby, you didn't win. In fact, your guess was so far off that we're calling your parents and having you tested.

Gibby:
Again?

[admiring Locker 239]

Freddie Benson:
I could fit an entire editing bay in there.

Sam Puckett:
You could fit a body in there...

[Freddie and Carly stare at Sam]

Sam Puckett:
...if you had to.

Sam:
[to Freddy] You just keep making out with your stuffed animals!

Spencer:
[after seeing his butter sculpture melt] Toasty!

[Nevel sees Spencer's butter sculpture for the first time]

Nevel:
Your work disgusts me.

Spencer:
Yeah, well, Nevel's a stupid name!

Carly Shay:
You must love flowers

Nevel:
Oh I hate flowers. Bugs sit upon them and make poo.

Carly Shay:
Okay!

Carly Shay:
[Spencer tries to lick some butter off of his elbow, but he can't reach it] Spence?

Spencer:
Yeah?

Carly Shay:
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

Nevel:
You feel the rue? Ya FEEL IT?

[talking to a butter-statue he's making]

Spencer:
Don't worry, Toasty. Soon you'll be back and "butter" than ever.

[pauses in revulsion]

Spencer:
Thank God no one heard that.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Sam Puckett:
I'm Sam.

Carly Shay:
Carly here.

Sam Puckett:
And you're watching iCarly.

Carly Shay:
The only show on the web that makes you laugh, and prevents heart disease.

Sam Puckett:
So kick back with a pound of bacon and enjoy the show.

[Sam is an emotional wreck after a bad day at work]

Sam Puckett:
[crying] I don't like working! I don't know how people do it. It's horrible! Th-they don't let you sleep, or watch TV, or go online, and they expect you to be nice to all the customers! And I'm not even allowed to eat the chili. Do you know what it's like to be me, surrounded by giant pots of chili and not allowed to eat it?

[wails]

Carly Shay:
I can't stand to see you like this. You have to quit.

Sam Puckett:
No, I can't. I promised myself I wouldn't quit until I paid back every penny I owed you and Freddie. I had to clean... [gulp] urinals! Boys are so gross!

[a little Sunshine Girl appears at the door of the Shay loft]

Spencer Shay:
Well, hello there.

[Spencer notices the girl's very attractive mother]

Spencer Shay:
And hello there.

[a skiddish little Sunshine Girl selling fudge balls has run away from Spencer, despite the presence of her mother]

Spencer Shay:
I could help her sell them.

Kathy Millford:
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.

Spencer Shay:
Oh, come one. My little sister Carly was a Sunshine Girl, I used to help her sell fudge balls all the time.

Kathy Millford:
And you're sure you want to help Emily?

Spencer Shay:
How tall is your husband?

Kathy Millford:
I'm single.

Spencer Shay:
I *really* want to help Emily.

Spencer Shay:
[Spencer rides up to the 2 girls who sabotaged his previous attempts to help Emily sell fudge balls] Hi, I just wanted you girls to know that 'I won the bike.' And because I am a grown-up; I forgive you, for behaving so rudely to me. Take care.

[Rides away, then comes back a moment later to taunt the girls in a childish manner]

Spencer Shay:
On the other hand, check out how cool this bike is! Oh, I won this fancy new bike and you didn't! How do you jerks like me now? Oh, I'm out of control! [spills the girls' fudge ball table over] Oh jeez, I'm sorry! Ohhhhh! [rides away again]

Carly Shay:
He's not cheating on me.

Sam Puckett:
Denial's not just a river in Utah

Carly Shay:
[correcting her] Egypt!

Mr. Howard:
Do you want to get kicked out of this class?

Sam Puckett:
It's my dream.

[the guys try to convince Carly that Stephen is a cheater]

Carly Shay:
Stephen told me I'm one of a kind.

Sam Puckett:
Yeah, and my dad once told my mom that he was coming back.

[awkward pause]

Sam Puckett:
So, moving on...

[Carly is spying on her boyfriend who's cheating with Tori]

Steven Carson:
I wanted to give you this.

Tori Vega:
[Gasps] Steven! You nutball! A charm bracelet?

Carly Shay:
[to herself] Charm bracelet?

Steven Carson:
It's one of a kind. Just like you.

Carly Shay:
Okay, that hurt. That wounded me.

Tori Vega:
Oh my god it's beautiful... I love you.

Steven Carson:
I love you. [they kiss]

Carly Shay:
And that killed me. Now I'm dead.

[Spencer's on a date with a woman he's not attracted to]

Trudy:
What do you say we move this little party to the couch?

Spencer Shay:
The couch is broken.

Trudy:
Well, why don't we go break it some more?

[a bear comes out of Freddie's apartment]

Sam Puckett:
Oh my gosh, the bear ate Freddie! Bad bear!

[She hits Freddie, who falls down then gets back up]

Freddie Benson:
Never do that again.

Sam Puckett:
Don't tell me what to do.

[She hits Freddie again and he falls to the ground]

[Sam is overwhelmed by the taste of a coconut pie]

Sam Puckett:
Why can't I marry this pie? All I want out of life is to be Mrs. Sam This Pie.

Carly Shay:
I just want to stick my whole face in this pie and go... BLOOBLOOBLOOOBLOOBLOO!

[Spencer wipes whipped cream off her chin]

Freddie Benson:
Hey, Stephanie! Watch this!

[Freddie smashes a pie in his face; Baby Stephanie laughs]

Freddie Benson:
Yes! VICTORY!

Carly Shay:
Wait, you're wearing pajamas.

Spencer:
So? It's a pie shop, not church.

Carly:
It's on Splashface!

Sam:
Relax, it has only had 27 views.

Carly:
Oh thank goodness.

[silence, Carly observes the video]

Carly:
[calmly] Sam?

Sam:
Yeah?

Carly:
THAT'S 27,000!

Carly:
Cool you got a new cell phone.

Freddie Benson:
You can have it!

Freddy:
[shouting over noise] Wanna go out in the hall and kiss?

Carly:
No!

Freddy:
Me neither!

[to self]

Freddy:
Darn!

Sam:
She's Carly!

Carly Shay:
She's Sam!

Sam:
Sam I am!

Carly Shay:
[pointing at each other] Carly, Sam...

Sam:
I think they're clear.

Carly:
You know anyone but me would punch ya right in the head.

Sam:
Which is why you are my best friend.

Carly:
Good to know. Now why are you mine?

Sam:
Because I'm a lovable person.

[Sam knocks a kid into the lockers]

Freddie Benson:
I am over it, seriously, I'm in love with you, you just wanna be friends and I'm totally cool with living with that constant pain.

Carly:
Oh god.

Carly:
Would you let me borrow your video camera?

Spencer Shay:
I would.

Carly:
Awesome

Spencer Shay:
Though I can't.

Carly:
Why not?

Spencer Shay:
I made it into a squirrel.

Sam:
Hey look, you invited the doof.

Carly:
Sam...

Freddie Benson:
Aww man! I didn't know that was gonna be here.

Freddie Benson:
Keep your hands off my AV equipment.

Sam:
You mean I can't play with the white balance on your super-di-dupity camcorder?

Freddie Benson:
Oh sure! Everybody jokes about the white balance until there skin tones go magenta.

Sam:
[clears her throat] Carly will never love you.

Carly:
When did your mom say she was going to pick you up?

Sam:
She's not.

Carly:
Why?

Sam:
Because I told her you asked me to spend the night.

Carly:
I didn't ask you tot spend the night.

Sam:
Well you should, 'cause I'm not leaving.

Freddie Benson:
[while being dragged from his apartment to Carly's] Ahh! Quit it Sam! Let go of my foot! Too much FRICTION! Let go! What is the matter with you!

Sam:
Why do they put a bone right in the middle of a ham?

Freddie Benson:
[talking about iCarly] And you're gonna need a technical producer right? Set up the lights, audio, work the camera...

Sam:
Awww... he wants to be our geek.

Freddie Benson:
Gahh! You got a big mouth lady!

Sam:
Thanks to our dorky friend Freddie...

Freddie Benson:
That's disrespectful!

Carly:
Today we are gonna show kids with bizarro talents.

Sam:
[musically] Freak show!

Carly:
[whispers] Stop that.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Carly:
Okay, this first kid we're gonna show you can take a glass of milk...

Sam:
-this is so deliciously gross...

Carly:
-snort the milk up into his nose...

Sam:
And it's the best thing ever!

Carly:
And then make the milk squirt out of his eyes!

Sam:
I wanna MARRY this boy!

[after Gibby runs out of an ice-filled bathtub on a webcast]

Sam Puckett:
There you go. We proved it.

Carly Shay:
Ice is very cold.

Sam Puckett:
Cold enough to freeze your Gibbys.

[Nevel is lying down on the couch with his hands and feet tied together facing up]

Nevel Papperman:
[Gibby is eating pudding and smacking his lips] Must you eat your putting so loudly? [smacks his lips again]

Carly Shay:
Okay, Nevel, why are you really here?

Sam Puckett:
Yeah, why?

Freddie Benson:
You hate us.

Nevel Papperman:
I don't hate anyone anymore... except myself. Until I saw the video of me shouting at that little girl, I didn't realize what a terrible, awful person I really am. [pause]

Gibby:
This pudding rocks.

Computer teacher:
Please complete exercises 7 and 9.

Carly:
What about number 8?

Computer teacher:
[whining] *I'm* in charge!

[after Sam changes Carly's grade to an A and Carly feels guilty]

Sam:
Hey! I'm Sam!

Carly Shay:
And I'm guilty!

Sam:
[whispers] Carly.

Carly Shay:
And I'm Carly!

CSA Agent:
We're gonna need to speak to a parent or legal guardian.

Carly:
[shouting] Spencer!

Spencer:
[offscreen] I am in the bathtub!

[Carly and Freddie have been caught by the Computer Security Agency]

Freddie:
Are we under arrest?

Carly:
Are you gonna take us to juvie?

Freddie:
I don't wanna go to juvie.

Carly:
They're gonna take us to juvie.

Carly, Freddie:
[wailing] OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

[first lines]

Sam Puckett:
[while watching TV with Carly] Uggh, I am so hungry.

Carly Shay:
Then go make something.

Sam Puckett:
Uggh, I am so lazy.

[Spencer walks in]

Carly Shay:
Where've you been all day?

Spencer:
Canada.

Carly Shay:
I thought you were only going to the art museum.

Spencer:
I was. Until I fell asleep on the bus, and woke up in Vancouver!

Sam Puckett:
Oh, sorry. Carly, Freddie, this is Sonya. My personal chef.

Sonya:
Ya-Hoo!

Carly Shay:
What?

Freddie:
You hired a personal chef?

Sam Puckett:
Well, my mom doesn't feed me.

Sam Puckett:
Sonya, please make me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato.

Sonya:
Yes, Miss Sam.

Carly Shay:
I like grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato.

Sam Puckett:
Make that two, please.

Sonya:
Yes, Miss Sam.

Freddie:
I like grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato.

Sam Puckett:
Tough nubs.

[repeated line]

Braxley:
I'm stupid.

DAKA President:
Well, you know when you put out a new shoe, they always have a few minor problems.

Sam Puckett:
Minor?

Freddie:
What would be a major problem?

Carly Shay:
If they came to life in the middle of the night and ate your family?

DAKA President:
[laughs] No. I live alone.

Carly Shay:
You know, I'm not sure it's fair to blame the bus 'cause you fell asleep.

Spencer:
It's not just that. Last week on the bus, a hobo spilled chili on me, then continued to eat it... without a spoon!

[Spencer comes back from a roller-blading accident]

Carly Shay:
Spencer, what happened?

Spencer:
One minute, I'm blading down Hill Street. Feeling good! On top of the world! The next thing I know - BAM! I got a face full of dumpster!

Carly Shay:
[singing to herself ] And I bought some stuff 'cause you know I got paid the other day.

[stops singing and knocks on Freddie's apartment door]

Carly Shay:
Freddie, come over.

[resumes singing]

Carly Shay:
I'm havin' fun with DAKA's money. Spendin' a ton of DAKA's money, I'm a rich girl...

[on the iCarly webcast]

Carly Shay:
And now, our technical producer, Freddie, will show you another cool thing about the Techfoots.

Freddie:
Okay. If your computer's hard drive is cluttered with a bunch of files and music and "precious pictures" of family and friends, the Techfoot does an amazing thing with Wi-Fi techonology. See, you just sync the pedometer up to your computer, and...

[types something on his laptop and shows the dreaded blue-screen]

Freddie:
...it wipes out your entire hard drive! Isn't that great?

[on the iCarly webcast]

Sam Puckett:
And wait 'til you see this!

Carly Shay:
For those cold winter days...

Sam Puckett:
-every Techfoot comes with a built-in toe warmer!

Carly Shay:
And if you turn the toe warmer on high...

Sam Puckett:
-like this! [turns it on]

Carly Shay:
Then bang it on a table...

[Sam does just that]

Sam Puckett:
It magically catches on fire!

Carly Shay:
Isn't that handy?

Sam Puckett:
That'll keep your piggies warm!

Carly Shay:
And not only that...

[Sonya hands them two hot dogs on sticks]

Sam Puckett:
It's also perfect for...

Sam Puckett, Carly Shay:
Roasting weenies!

Sam Puckett:
Hey, where did you guys get this fork?

Carly Shay:
Some website.

Freddie Benson:
Epic-forks dot com?

Carly Shay:
That's the one.

Spencer Shay:
Where are you going?

Carly Shay:
To study!

Spencer Shay:
Study for what?

Carly Shay:
My next date with Kyle!

Sam:
T-BO!

T-Bo:
What?

Sam:
We need a table as far away from them as possible!

T-Bo:
Have I ever cared where you sit?

[Sam enters the studio after eating rancid chocolates]

Freddie Benson:
Woah! You look horrible!

Sam Puckett:
I'm sick.

[coughs heavily]

Sam Puckett:
I feel like butt.

Freddie:
Aw, butter!

[Sam tells Freddie that an old friend of Carly's is taking her friendship away]

Freddie Benson:
You know, maybe Carly's right. Maybe you're just jealous of Missy.

Sam Puckett:
Okay, just... forget it. Don't believe me. [walks away]

Freddie Benson:
Tell me one reason why I should believe you.

Sam Puckett:
Because I came here. Have I ever come to you for help before? For anything?

[Carly walks up to the table at the Groovy Smoothie with drinks]

Carly Shay:
Smoothies for three! [starts passing out drinks] One for Missy, and one for Sam.

[Sam breaks her cup and the juice spills out]

Carly Shay:
Oh! Defective cup!

Sam Puckett:
This is worse than the time you dared me to lick the swing set.

Freddie Benson:
I didn't dare you to lick the swing set. I said, "Sam, don't lick the swing set," you said, "Don't tell me what to do," punched me, and then licked the swing set.

[Carly walks into the studio in a sexy outfit]

Carly Shay:
Hey, do you think this dress is a little too... saucy?

Freddie Benson:
It's for a music video. You need to look hotter than you usually do.

Carly Shay:
[perplexed, but flattered] Well, thank you.

[repeated line]

Wade Collins:
Hobknocker!

Wade Collins:
Your all a bunch of hobbknockers!

Wade Collins:
Jibbly!

[closing out another webshow]

Carly Shay:
Until then, always remember...

Sam Puckett:
Never forget...

[short pause]

Carly Shay:
Umm, what was it?

Sam Puckett:
I forget.

[Sam discovers Nevel's computer lab]

Sam:
Wow. I used to rate geeks on a scale of one to Freddie. But I think Nevel just broke that scale.

[Carly's show has suspicious technical difficulties]

Carly Shay:
Freddie, what do you think went wrong?

Freddie:
I'm not sure, but I'll bet my whole month's allowance that all my equipment is working perfectly.

Carly Shay:
Ooh, you'd bet a whole eight bucks?

[Freddie hushes Carly]

Sam:
Your mom only gives you eight bucks a month?

Freddie:
She's afraid if she gives me more, I'll buy a bus ticket and leave her.

Carly Shay:
That is so dumb.

Freddie:
No, not really.

Sam:
Wow, Freddie. I like seeing you get all feisty.

Freddie:
That's the Freddie way.

Carly Shay:
I thought the Freddie way was a jam on a toasted bagel.

Freddie:
That's the Freddie breakfast way.

[Freddie's mother is shocked to find him and Carly kissing passionatley]

Mrs. Benson:
WHAT THE YUCK!

[Sam is trying to warn Freddie about dating Carly]

Freddie Benson:
You just can't stand the idea of Carly and me as a couple.

Sam Puckett:
Very true, it makes me want to puke up blood.

[from the extended version]

Mrs. Benson:
I knew something like this would happen!

Freddie Benson:
It was just a freak thing.

Mrs. Benson:
Because you associate with freaks!

Freddie Benson:
Carly and Sam aren't freaks! [Mrs. Benson gives him a look] Carly's not a freak!

Sam:
[Freddie walks in with a much deeper voice] Dude, why is your voice so deep?

Freddie:
I dunno, puberty?

Sam:
Why does your voice sound deeper?

Freddie:
I dunno', puberty?

Freddie:
Something still doesn't make sense: Why did Lewbert tell us that noone lives here?

Lewbert the Doorman:
[Appearing in doorway] 'Cause I'm a jerk!

Sam Puckett:
That's some good looking junk.

Carly Shay:
And it's all available for sale!

Gibby Gibson:
Yaaaaaaar!

Sam Puckett:
I told you not to do the pirate voice part.

Gibby Gibson:
[Sadly] Yar.

Carly Shay:
So what items are there for sale, Sam?

Sam Puckett:
Well, Carls, right there I see Spencer's fan of hammers.

Carly Shay:
Aw, who could forget the time Spencer almost impaled my head with a flying hammer?

Sam Puckett:
Dangerous times.

Sam Puckett:
You remember these techfoots?

Carly Shay:
Who woudn't be proud to wear these defective sneakers to school? The zoo!

Sam Puckett:
...or the funeral of the loved one.

Freddie Benson:
iCarly is not responsible for damage caused to your feet, toes or the central nervous system.

Gibby Gibson:
[Eating spaghetti] Wow... umm. I'm in love with this sauce. What is it?

Sam Puckett:
It could be a lovely cheese sauce.

Carly Shay:
But, it's snot.

Freddie Benson:
[picks up a knife] Control, Freddie. Bad thoughts lead to bad actions. [puts down knife]

Sam Puckett:
Our fans are dying for these penny tees!

Freddie Benson:
We could make a lot of cash.

Carly Shay:
Okay, we're going shoplifting!

Spencer Shay:
[From his room] Wear a jacket!

Sam Puckett:
[Excited] Are we really gonna go shoplifting?

Carly Shay:
NO!

[On the Sam Puckett Legal Defense Fund]

Freddie Benson:
Together, we can keep Sam out of juvie.

Sam:
If a guy wants a date with Mama, he should ask me. And pay for it. Or he can just give me the money and stay out of my life.

Carly Shay:
You're in trouble.

Sam:
Who has urine trouble?

Freddy:
[Carly & Freddie are hiding in Ms. Briggs' closet] You know, this might not be so bad. Just you and me... together... alone.

Carly:
Okay, we're in a serious situation here. This is no time for you to bust a move.

Sam:
[to Freddy] What's in the box? A robotic girlfriend?

Freddy:
I don't need a robotic girlfriend. I guarantee you, twenty years from now, I'll be Carly's second husband.

Carly:
What happened to my first husband?

Freddy:
Nothing you can prove.

Sasha Striker:
Well, it looks like you beat me...

Spencer:
Yeah, I guess I did.

Sasha Striker:
You wanna go for a ride?

Spencer:
I'd love to, but I'm afraid this is all I can give you for now. [kisses Sasha passionately then she goes into the elevator]

[first lines]

Sam Puckett:
Okay, Freddie's never late for iCarly. Are you worried?

Carly Shay:
If I wasn't worried, would I be drinking water with this expression on my face?

[drinks water with a frantic expression on her face]

Carly Shay:
[entering the room] Hey, Spencer.

Freddie:
[at the same time as Sam] What's up?

Sam Puckett:
[at the same time as Freddie] Hi.

Spencer:
Hey, little sister and her two friends who never seem to hang out at their own homes.

Detective Tragg:
[holds up badge] Detective Tragg, Seattle Police Department.

Sam Puckett:
[thinking she'll be arrested] Freddie, take my backpack.

[hands it to him]

Spencer:
Uh, what can I do for ya?

Detective Tragg:
I'd like to talk with the kids.

Sam Puckett:
[loudly] You can't prove anything!

Carly Shay:
[looking through binoculars] Ok, I don't see any criminal activity but I do see a jogger who really should be wearing a bra. Poor guy.

[on the iCarly webcast]

Carly Shay:
Hello. You've reached iCarly.com.

Sam Puckett:
If you're looking for comedy...

Carly Shay:
- press one.

Sam Puckett:
If you're looking for my pork pot pie, a cop ate it!

Mr. Dershlit:
This is supposed to be a birthday party. That will go on forever, and ever... [Nora joins her father]

Mr. Dershlit, Nora Dershlit:
And ever, and ever... [Nora's mother walks through the door and joins Nora and her father]

Mr. Dershlit, Nora Dershlit, Mrs. Dershlit:
And ever, and ever, and ever...

Carly Shay:
Oh my god.

[Carly and friends find their routines stolen for a kids' sitcom]

Sam Puckett:
Those Dingo people are dead!

Carly Shay:
What are we gonna do?

Sam Puckett:
We're gonna go find 'em and kick 'em in their dingoes!

Sam:
We're gonna go find 'em and kick 'em in their Dingos!

Spencer Shay:
Okay, you guys go in there and confront the Totally Teri writers. I'm gonna go find Charles Dingo's frozen head.

Carly Shay:
Wait. Umm... maybe Freddie should go with you.

Freddie Benson:
[whiny] No, I wanna watch Sam beat up TV writers!

[introducing another iCarly webcast]

Carly Shay:
Hey, I'm the sweet brunette.

Sam Puckett:
And I'm the dirty blonde.

Carly Shay, Sam Puckett:
And this be iCarly!

[Carly leaves Sam in the dentist's office]

Carly Shay:
Hey, stay blonde.

Sam Puckett:
Stay brune.

[Sam sees Carly after recovering from dental surgery]

Sam Puckett:
You're blurry. Pretty, blurry girl.

Carly:
[doorbell rings] There's the doorbell.

Sam:
Smells like your grandad.

Sam:
[turns to Freddy] You smell like garbage.

Freddy:
Your butt's shaped like a ham.

Carly:
Stop it!

Carly:
I don't want to move to Yakima! It sounds like someone throwing up!

Spencer:
It does. [imitating the sound of vomiting] Yakima! Yakima!

Carly:
I'm gonna be a Yakimite or Yakimanian.

Freddy:
Yakimaniac.

Sam:
You're Yakimannoying!

Freddy:
Sorry, lost my cool for a second.

Sam:
Can't lose something you never had.

Spencer:
Carly, Sam, you owe me half a taco!

Carly:
Good job, Spencer! You too, Freddy.

Freddy:
Thank you, Carly, in your face, Sam.

[Sam makes a face at him]

Carly:
Okay, on our last webcast, Sam and I told you to go on iCarly.com and click that feedback button!

Sam:
And man, you people clicked on that sucker like it was your job!

Freddy:
I think Carly's spaghetti is great.

Sam:
Then, why don't you put some down your pants?

Sam:
Freddie, play that clip.

Freddy:
Some people might say please.

Sam:
Yeah....I didn't.

Spencer:
Nice to see you, Ms. Briggs, or now that I'm older, may I call you Margaret?

Ms. Briggs:
You may not.

Spencer:
Why?

Ms. Briggs:
My name is Francine!

Spencer:
Behold the sign! Are you beholding it?

Carly:
Oh, we're beholding it!

Carly:
Spencer, dinnertime! [to Freddie and Sam] You guys staying for dinner?

Sam:
Yeah, I got no place to go.

Freddy:
What up, my peeps?

Sam:
Wow, that greeting was uncool in so many ways.

Carly:
[on the webcast] Which is why I say, the potato is superior to the sports bra.

Sam:
And if you don't believe us, try making French fries out of a sports bra!

Carly:
So it's me and Sam vs. Freddie and Spencer. Team with the best idea to get more viewers wins.

Freddy:
'Kay, but I think the team that loses should have some penalty.

Sam:
Hasn't life already penalized you enough?

Carly:
[sprays Sam with water] That's for being mean.

Sam:
It was worth it.

Spencer:
Okay, so wait, wait, wait. We all failed miserably trying to get you guys more viewers for iCarly and yet it is precisely those miserable failures that are getting you guys more viewers for iCarly?

Carly:
Yeah.

Spencer:
Insanity!

Spencer:
Nice to see you, Ms. Briggs, or now that I'm older, may I call you Margaret?

Ms. Briggs:
You may not!

Spencer:
Why?

Ms. Briggs:
My name is Francine!

Carly Shay:
Spencer, what size dress do you wear?

Spencer Shay:
[a little too quickly] Ten. Why?

Sam:
Oops, I forgot my lucky fishing hat. [to camera in Oaky accent] Like it?

Freddie:
I'm not even sure if I'm going on this date.

Sam:
[with Carly] Yes you are!

Carly Shay:
[with Sam] You're going!

Freddie:
But what if she's not...

Mrs. Benson:
There is a living, breathing girl who wants to go out with you. This many never happen again! Unless, Carly changes her mind...

Carly Shay:
Yeah, Freddie and I are just buds.

Mrs. Benson:
Oh yes, I totally understand.

Carly Shay:
Thank you.

Mrs. Benson:
[shouting] Why won't you love my son?

[Freddie seeks dating advice]

Spencer:
Just be yourself. Talk about stuff *you* like.

Freddie:
And if I run out of things to say?

Spencer:
Then just stare into her eyes, and say nothing! That'll make you seem all cool and mysterious! She'll be like hypnotized!

Freddie:
Yeah, I don't really think that works. 'Cause I mean, if I don't say anything, won't she think I'm... [Spencer stares into his eyes]... won't she think I'm... won't she just...

Spencer:
What doesn't really work?

Spencer:
[singing while cooking] Well, I'm cooking/I'm cooking things/Cooking things for people to eat/I'm cooking/I'm cooking things/Things that people will chew.

Shannon:
[speaking to Freddie] I love cheescake, it's like my favorite dessert...

Carly:
Gibby invented cheescake!

Gibby:
No I didn't!

Carly:
Well someone had to!

Sam Puckett:
So listen. You guys wanna be on the next iCarly?

Shannon:
Really?

Celine:
What are we gonna do?

Sam Puckett:
Well, let's just say one of you is gonna win a date with an awesome guy.

Shannon:
Freddie?

Sam Puckett:
I said awesome guy, not ridiculous goob.

Shannon:
I think Freddie's cute and smart.

Sam Puckett:
Okay, what did you eat for breakfast? A big bowl of crazy flakes?

Reuben:
[standing behind Sam] There's my raspberry soccer ball.

Sam Puckett:
And speaking of crazy flakes, *it's you!*!

Carly:
Poor Gibby. That must be hard loving someone who doesn't love you back.

[Freddie glares at her]

Carly:
Oh... Sorry.

Sam:
You know what? You are so right. And I'm sitting here with an Australian Eskimo with ointment all over his bumbleberry!

Spencer Shay:
[Spencer's dating video] If you're looking for a fun creative guy, well, you just took a right turn down lucky street. Why don't you go ahead and put it in Park? Send me an e-mail. Write it, click it, send it...

[throws a baseball, and accidentally breaks a goldfish bowl]

Carly:
"You just took a right turn down lucky street?" That doesn't make a girl want to e-mail you. That makes a girl want to go... Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!...

Ow she gave me a wedgie!

Sam Puckett:
whoa whoa baby on the road

Sam:
baby on the road