Idiot's Delight

Harry Van:
The world you live in isn't a world of facts and figures, it's a world of dreams. Maybe that's what I like about you Irene. You're so beautifully phony.

Irene Fellara:
And maybe you're wrong my darling. Maybe we two cheap people, with our cheap lives, maybe we're the only ones in this crazy world who are real.

Harry Van:
[at a train station] Well, we gotta be pulling out now babe.

Irene Fellara:
I know, but not together.

Harry Van:
No, not together. You go your way and I go mine. But I got a hunch we'll see each other again. Sometime.

Irene Fellara:
Oh, 'Kak Stranna!' How strange!

Irene Fellara:
I told you then that I wasn't everybody. It's true; I'm nobody. But I learned it was no use telling the truth to people whose life was a whole lie.

Harry Van:
It's a pleasure to be entertaining, but you can't get away with it.

Quillary:
While you sit here eating and drinking, their planes dropped fifty thousand kilos of bombs on innocent people. Heavens knows how many were killed; how much of life and beauty is forever destroyed. And you sit here eating and drinking with them, the murderers. It was their planes from the very field down there. Assassins!

Irene Fellara:
The temple of your memory must be so crowded.

Harry Van:
Are you sure you've never been in Omaha, Madame?

Irene Fellara:
You amuse me very much, in deed. Here we are, on a mountain peak in Bedlam. Tonight, war is breaking over the vorld! And all you vorry about is whether I am a girl you once met casually in Omaha-ha-ha.

Harry Van:
Ha-ha-ha. Did I say it was casual?

Harry Van:
Somehow or other I couldn't help feeling touched, that of all the sordid hotels you've been in, that you should have remembered that one.

Irene Fellara:
The age of chivalry still lives!

Irene Fellara:
Harry, do you know any hymns?

Irene Fellara:
[last line international version] Look Harry! They've gone away.

Harry Van:
[last line domestic version] Hey, over here boys! Over here! See the big show. See the greatest aggregation of talent in the world.

Harry Van:
You can call that sentimental, Mrs. Weber, but that is true.

Irene Fellara:
Forgive me, but that is not my name.

Harry Van:
Oh. I thought...

Irene Fellara:
I know what you thought. Mr. Weber and I are associated in a sort of business way.

Harry Van:
I see. Um, business is pretty good, isn't it?

Irene Fellara:
But I have talked too much about myself. What about you my friend?

Harry Van:
Oh, I'm not very interesting. I'm just what I seem to be.

Irene Fellara:
You are a very bad dancer.

Harry Van:
Hmmm... in Romania they thought I was pretty good.

Irene Fellara:
Harry, do you realize the whole world has gone to war? The whole world!

Harry Van:
I realize it, but don't ask me why. I've stopped trying to figure it out.

Irene Fellara:
I know why it is. It's just to kill us - you and me. Because we are the little people. And for us, the deadliest weapons are the most merciful.

Harry Van:
Easy...

Irene Fellara:
I've never cared before, but now I want to live.

Harry Van:
So do I, but if we don't, let's hope we make a fast exit.

Irene Fellara:
Then together.

Harry Van:
[explosion from a large bomb nearby] Nice try buddy, but you muffed it!

Irene Fellara:
My father was old. The hardships of that terrible journey had broken his body. But his spirit was strong. His spirit that is Russia.

Irene Fellara:
He lay there in that little boat. And he looked up at me. Never can I forget his face. So thin. So white. So beautiful in the starlight.

Irene Fellara:
And he said to me, 'Irena, little daughter'. And then... he died.

Irene Fellara:
For four days I was alone with his body. Sailing through the storms of the Black Sea. I had no food. No water. I was in agony from the violent wounds of the Bolshevikii. I knew I must die.

Irene Fellara:
And then... an American cruiser rescued me. May Heaven bless those good men!

Harry Van:
Ahem. Excuse me Madame. But it seems to me that the last time you told me about your escape it was different.

Irene Fellara:
Well! I made several escapes.

Irene Fellara:
Did I ever tell you of my escape from the Soviets?

Achille Weber:
You've told me about it at least 11 times and every time it was different.

Irene Fellara:
Well, I made several escapes.

Irene Fellara:
Good night.

Harry Van:
Good night.

Irene Fellara:
Thanks for giving me such a good time.

Harry Van:
Well, thank you, Irene. I always enjoy seeing a woman eat. Don't forget - brush your teeth carefully, tuck yourself in, and have sweet dreams of Old Russia [chuckles]

Irene Fellara:
Where'd you get your education, Harry?

Harry Van:
What makes you think I got one?

Harry Van:
I'm a thinker, not a performer.

Harry Van:
Maybe that's what I like about you, Irene. You're so beautifully phoney.

Harry Van:
[to Irene] Excuse me, but were you always blonde?

Harry Van:
[to the waiter] Seems to me everyone would be happier in Europe if they learned how to make a decent cup of coffee.

Harry Van:
[to the waiter] Get me a scotch, and, uh, put ice in it. If you haven't got any ice, go out and scoop up some of that beautiful white snow.

Irene Fellara:
Did I ever tell you of my escape from the Soviets?

Achille Weber:
You've told me about it at least eleven times, and every time it was different.

Irene Fellara:
Well, I made several escapes. I am always making escapes, Achille. When I worry about you and your career, I have to run away from the terror of my own thoughts. So I amuse myself by studying the faces of the people I see. Just ordinary, casual, dull people. That little English couple for instance - I was watching them during dinner, sitting there close together, holding hands. And I saw him in his nice, smart British uniform shooting a little pistol at a huge tank. And the tank rolls over him. And his fine, strong body that was so full of the capacity for ecstasy... is a mass of mashed flesh and bones. A smear of purple blood, like a stepped-on snail. But before the moment of death, he consoles himself by thinking, "thank God she is safe. She is bearing the child I gave her. And he will live to see a better world." But I know where she is. She is under a house that has been racked by an air raid. She is as dead as he is. But he, he died in action against the enemy gloriously. But she died in a cellar, not so very gloriously. There will be many who will die this way in this war, won't there Achille? [he does not respond] You don't say anything! Probably you are bored. But I like to think about these things, Achille. And it makes me so proud to think that I am so close to you, who makes all this possible.

Achille Weber:
That's all very interesting, my dear. But before you waste too much sympathy on these little people like your English friends, just ask yourself this: why shouldn't they die? And who are the greater criminals - those who sell the instruments of death or those who buy them and use them? It is they who make war seem noble and heroic, and what does it all amount to? Mistrust of the motives of everyone else! A dog-in-the-manger defence of all they've got, greed for the other fellow's possessions! Oh, I assure you, Irena, for such little people, the deadliest weapons are the most merciful.

Irene Fellara:
I am so happy for you.

Achille Weber:
Happy? Why?

Irene Fellara:
All this wonderful death and destruction everywhere. And you promoted it.

Jimmy Barzek:
Yeh, that's show business.

Harry Van:
Oh, yes, yes. The gay, carefree world of entertainment.

Irene Fellara:
I have something rather important to tell you.

Harry Van:
What is it, babe?

Irene Fellara:
Do you mind if I sit down?

Harry Van:
Well, as a matter of fact I do, but, anyway, have a seat. And if you see a bottle of champagne standing around, open it up. Now, what's on your mind?

Irene Fellara:
I want to confess.

Harry Van:
You'll find a church right around the corner.

Irene Fellara:
I've been watching your act, Mr. Van. I couldn't help picking up some of the code. I mean, your tone of voice when you say - concentrate. There are subtle changes that mean different things.

Harry Van:
Where did you learn words like subtle?

Irene Fellara:
Oh, I haven't always been an acrobat, Mr. Van. I attended the University in Vienna... with Freud, Jung, all the great teachers.

Harry Van:
From the University in Vienna to the El Dorado in Omaha. So jump!

Irene Fellara:
Yes. Ha-ha. That's been my whole life, today the mountaintops - tomorrow the Dead Sea.

Harry Van:
Yeh, I guess you're right, sister.

Harry Van:
I have a great admiration for you.

Irene Fellara:
Oh, you like my electrical personality, huh?

Harry Van:
No, nothing as obvious as that. I think you have a very remarkable brain!

Irene Fellara:
So, you noticed that too, hmm?

Harry Van:
I also have a very remarkable brain.

Irene Fellara:
Yeah, and a very remarkable way of talking for a girl who makes her living swinging by her teeth.

Harry Van:
Why, I was born for excitement, adventure, danger. I've had all the - I'll have a lot more before I come to a violent death.

Irene Fellara:
So you've even got that arranged.

Harry Van:
Say, what are your plans for supper?

Irene Fellara:
Oh, Mr. Van, are you inviting me?

Harry Van:
Well, don't look at me like that. I'm only offering to buy you a cup of coffee because I appreciate your kind motives in busting up our act tonight.

Irene Fellara:
Oh, that's very sweet of you, Mr. Van. I'll get dressed, right away. I'll be proud to be seen in a restaurant with you.

Harry Van:
Wait till you see the restaurant.

Harry Van:
Give me a cup of coffee and some donuts. What'll you have, babe?

Irene Fellara:
Oyster stew.

Harry Van:
You've certainly lived on a big scale, babe.

Irene Fellara:
My name isn't babe. It's Irene!

Irene Fellara:
Do you know that song? It's Cac Strana - its Russian. Oh, its so lovely! It takes me back so far to the Winter Palace in Petersburg. La-la-la La-la-la Cac Strana. That means, How Strange. It tells such a sad, beautiful story about two people, who meet and fall in love for one exquisite moment - and then they part. Like ships that pass in the night. Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Mmm-mmm-mmm Cac Strana - How Strange.

Irene Fellara:
Do you think we'll ever see each other again?

Harry Van:
Maybe we will and maybe we won't. You can't predict anything in show business.

Irene Fellara:
Or in any other kind of a life, I suppose.

Harry Van:
No, I guess not. But, I'll be thinking about you, babe.

Irene Fellara:
Oh, I'm sure you will.

Harry Van:
Yes and as a matter of fact, I'd like to know that - you're thinking about me a little bit, too.

Harry Van:
You know, Irene, I've met a lot of dames in my time. And most of 'em are so dumb you have to talk to 'em in sign language.

Quillary:
Excuse me, my friend.

Harry Van:
Another white man in this jungle! How do you do? My name is Harry Van.

Quillary:
My name is Quillary.

Harry Van:
I got six girls with me. I'm in terrible trouble.

Quillary:
The whole world is in terrible trouble, Mr. Van.

'Don' Navadel:
Evidently, Mr. Van, you're not fully aware of the present international situation!

Harry Van:
Well, I'm aware that the international situation is always regrettable. What's wrong now?

'Don' Navadel:
Haven't you been reading the papers?

Harry Van:
In Bulgaria and Yugoslavia? No.

'Don' Navadel:
We're on the verge of a war.

Harry Van:
What? Another one!

'Don' Navadel:
Mr. Van, I advise you to be careful how you talk.

Harry Van:
Why? I'm an American citizen! I can say what I please.

Harry Van:
Beulah's our bubble dancer and quite a dreamer.

Harry Van:
Next, Miss Edna Creesh. She's as good as gold and twice as tough.

Edna Creesh:
Hi ya, toots!

Harry Van:
Well, I guess I might as well register. I'll need three double rooms, two girls to a room. And a single, for me - adjoining. I promised their mothers I'd always be within ear shot.

Harry Van:
[to Les Blondes] Alright, alright. Finish your drinks and come on upstairs. I'm gonna give you all a bath.

Harry Van:
Well, now, listen to me, you dames, you may as well know right now, the act is bankrupt. I got barely enough to get us to Geneva. So don't run up any bills around this dump.

Shirley Laughlin:
Say, Harry, there's a hair dresser. Can't I get a finger wave?

Harry Van:
No!

Bebe Gould:
Can we go ski?

Harry Van:
And risk breaking those pretty legs?

Edna Creesh:
But it's healthy.

Harry Van:
Yeah, but you're not sick. Those gams of yours are my bread and butter.

Irene Fellara:
But your place is rrrreally charming. I must tell everyone in Paris about it.

'Don' Navadel:
We are rather proud of it.

Irene Fellara:
There is something about this design. It suggests, eh, an amusing kind of horror. It is like somebody's tomb, isn't it?

Mrs. Cherry:
You mean - you read people's minds?

Harry Van:
Sure. I could see right threw 'em.

Irene Fellara:
Oh, how embarrassing.

Harry Van:
I was playing a week in Omaha. Have you ever been in Omaha madame?

Irene Fellara:
Oma-ha? O-maw-ha? Where is dat? Persia!

Harry Van:
It's in Nebraska.

Dr. Hugo Waldersee:
Why should I save people who don't want to be saved? So they can go out and exterminate each other?

Irene Fellara:
Goodbye, Harry. Goodbye, again.

Irene Fellara:
I don't think I shall use my own name. No! Americans will mispronounce horribly. I shall call myself - Namoura! Namoura the Great!

Harry Van:
...assisted by Harry Van.