In Bruges

Ray:
[voiceover] After I killed them, I dropped the gun in the Thames, washed the residue off my hands in the bathroom of a Burger King, and walked home to await instructions. Shortly thereafter, the instructions came through. "Get the f*** out of London, yous dumb f***s. Get to Bruges." I didn't even know where Bruges f***ing was. It's in Belgium.

Ray:
A great day this has turned out to be. I'm suicidal, me mate tries to kill me, me gun gets nicked and we're still in f***ing Bruges.

Ray:
Ken, come on, they're the English police. When they say they haven't got a single lead, they haven't got a single lead. This is my vote of what we should do. We give it another day, two days max, then we check the papers again and if there's still nothing in 'em, we phone him and say, "Harry, thank you for the trip to Bruges, it's been very nice, but we're coming back to London now," and hide out in a proper country where it isn't all just f***ing chocolate.

Ray:
I kinda like hearing people having sex. Means at least somebody around here's happy.

Ray:
There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all of this, I'd go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in f***in' Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, f*** man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in f***in' Bruges. And I really really hoped I wouldn't die. I really really hoped I wouldn't die.

Harry:
Number One, why aren't you in when I f***ing told you to be in? Number two, why doesn't this hotel have phones with f***ing voice mail and not I have to leave messages with the f***ing receptionist? Number three, You better f***ing be in tomorrow night when I call otherwise there will be f***ing hell to pay. I'm f***ing telling ya - Harry.

Ken:
We shall strike a balance between culture and fun.

Ray:
Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favour of culture, like a big fat f***ing retarded f***ing black girl on a see-saw opposite... a dwarf.

Ken:
[preparing to climb the the belfry Coming up?

Ray:
What's up there?

Ken:
The view.

Ray:
The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.

Ken:
Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.

Ray:
Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Ken:
[looking at a surreal Bosch painting] It's Judgment Day, you know?

Ray:
No. What's that then?

Ken:
Well, it's, you know, the final day on Earth, when mankind will be judged for the crimes they've committed and that.

Ray:
Oh. And see who gets into heaven and who gets into hell and all that.

Ken:
Yeah. And what's the other place?

Ray:
Purgatory.

Ken:
Purgatory... what's that?

Ray:
Purgatory's kind of like the in-betweeny one. You weren't really sh*t, but you weren't all that great either. Like Tottenham. [pause] Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?

Ken:
About Tottenham?

Ken:
You from the States?

Jimmy:
Yeah. But don't hold it against me.

Ken:
I'll try not to... Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

Ken:
Your girlfriend's very pretty.

Jimmy:
She ain't my girlfriend. She's a prostitute I just picked up.

Ken:
I wasn't aware there were any prostitutes in Bruges.

Jimmy:
You just have to look in the right places... brothels are good.

Ken:
Well, you've picked up a very pretty prostitute.

Jimmy:
Thank you.

Overweight Man:
Been to the top of the tower?

Ray:
Yeah, yeah, it's rubbish.

Overweight Man:
It is? Guide book says it's a must see.

Ray:
Well you lot ain't goin' up there.

Overweight Man:
Pardon me? Why?

Ray:
I mean it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.

Overweight Man:
What exactly are you trying to say?

Ray:
What exactly am I trying to say? You's are a bunch of f***in' elephants!

Ray:
I don't hit women. I'd never hit a woman, Chloë! I hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle! That's different, that's self defense, isn't it? Or a woman who did karate. I'd never hit a woman generally, Chloë. Don't think that. God, you're pretty.

Chloë:
I have to make a call.

Ray:
Oh no. You've gone off me, haven't you? Just cause I hit that f***ing cow.

[she kisses him]

Chloë:
There's never been a classic movie made in Bruges until now.

Ray:
Of course there hasn't. It's a shithole.

Chloë:
Bruges is my home town, Ray.

Ray:
Well, it's still a shithole.

Chloë:
It's not a shithole!

Ray:
What? Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it.

Chloë:
Okay. So, you've insulted my home town. You were doing really well, Raymond. Why don't you tell me some Belgium jokes while you're at it?

Ray:
Don't know any Belgium jokes, and if I did I think I'd have the good sense not to... hang on. Is Belgium with all those child abuse murders lately? I do know a Belgium joke. What's Belgium famous for? Chocolates and child abuse, and they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids. [sees Chloë's shocked expression] What?

Chloë:
One of the girls they murdered was a friend of mine.

Ray:
[after a long pause, feeling bad] I'm sorry, Chloë.

Chloë:
One of the girls they murdered wasn't a friend of mine. I just wanted to make you feel bad. And it worked! Quite well.

Ken:
How did your date go?

Ray:
My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing, which lasted all too briefly - isn't that always the way? - one instance of me stealing 5 grams of a very high quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead, so, all in all, my evening pretty well balanced out...fine.

Ken:
You've got five grams of coke?

Ray:
[shakes head] No, I got four grams on me and one gram in me, which me heart is going like the f***ing clappers as if I'm about to have a heart attack, so if I collapse any minute now please remember to tell the doctors it might have something to do with the coke.

Ray:
Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about...

Ken:
I know what you're trying to talk about.

Ray:
I killed a little boy. You keep bringing up the f***ing lollipop man.

Ken:
You didn't mean to kill a little boy.

Ray:
I know I didn't mean to... but because of the choices I made, and the course that I put into action, that little boy isn't here anymore, and he'll never be here again. [pause] I mean here in the world, not here in Belgium. Well he'll never be here in Belgium either, will he? I mean, he might've wanted to come here when he got older. Don't know why. And that's all because of me. He's dead because of me. And I'm trying to... been trying to get me head around it, but I can't. I will have always have killed that little boy. That ain't ever going away. Ever. Unless... maybe I go away.

Ken:
Don't even think like that.

Eirik:
[about Ray] I was trying to rob him. And he took my gun from me. And the gun was full of blanks. And he shot a blank into my eye. And now I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say.

Harry:
Well to be honest it sounds like it's all your fault.

Eirik:
What?

Harry:
I mean basically if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks and you allow your gun to be taken off you and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank which I assume that the person has to get quite close to you then, yeah really it's all your fault for being such a poof, so why don't you stop whining and cheer the f*** up.

Yuri:
Eirek - I really wouldn't respond.

Eirik:
I thought you wanted the guy dead?

Harry:
I do want the guy dead, I want him f***ing crucified but it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it?

[Harry is viciously attacking the telephone]

Natalie:
Harry!

Harry:
[stops] What?

Natalie:
It's an inanimate f***ing object!

Harry:
You're an inanimate f***ing object!

[Later]

Harry:
I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate object. I was upset.

Ken:
What the f*** are you doing, Ray?

Ray:
What the f*** are 'you' doing?

[Ken sticks pistol behind his back]

Ken:
Nothing.

Ray:
Oh, my God... you were gonna kill me.

Ken:
No, I wa - You were gonna kill yourself!

Ray:
Well... I'm allowed.

Ken:
No, you're not!

Ray:
What? I'm not allowed, and you are? How's that fair?

Ken:
The boy's suicidal Harry. He's a walkin dead man. Keeps goin on about hell...

Harry:
When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you 'Ken, would you do me a favor and become Ray's psychiatrist for me?' No. I think what I asked you was, would you go blow his f***in head off for me. He's suicidal? I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, everyone is f***in suicidal they don't just keep going on about it. Has the boy killed himself yet? So hes not f***in suicidal is he?

Ken:
He put a loaded gun to his head, I stopped him.

Harry:
Wha...? This gets f***in worse.

Ken:
We were down the park...

Harry:
Let me get this right. At the park? Whats that got to do with f***in anything? Let me get this right. Not only have you refused to kill the boy, you have stopped him from killing himself. Which would have solved my problem, which would have solved your problem, and from what it sounds like, it would have solved the boy's problem.

Ken:
The boy has the capacity to change.

Harry:
I have the capacity to change

Ken:
You have the capacity to get worse. Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a c*nt. You're a c*nt now, you've always been a c*nt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger c*nt. Maybe have some more c*nt kids.

Harry:
[furious] Leave my kids f***ing out of it! What have they done? You f***ing retract that bit about my c*nt f***ing kids!

Ken:
I retract that bit about your c*nt f***ing kids.

Harry:
Insult my f***ing kids? That's going overboard, mate!

Ken:
I retracted it, didn't I? [quietly] Still leaves you a c*nt...

Harry:
Yeah, I f***ing got that!

Marie:
Why don't you two just put your guns down and go home?

Harry:
Don't be stupid; this is the shootout!

Harry:
[to Eirik, with his eyepatch] Aye-aye!

Yuri:
Take your pick, Mr. Waters.

Harry:
An UZI? Ha, I'm not from South Central Los f***ing Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot 20 black 10-year olds in a f***ing drive-by - I want a normal gun for a normal person.

Yuri:
I knew he wouldn't kill the guy. I could see it in his eyes when I was telling him about the alcoves.

Harry:
...about the what?

Yuri:
The alcoves - the alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park. Oh, I also have some dimdims. You use this word, "dimdims"? The bullets that make the head explode?

Harry:
"Dumdums", yeah.

Yuri:
Would you like some of these dimdims?

Harry:
I know I shouldn't...

[...]

Harry:
But I will.

Eirik:
Motherf***er.

Harry:
Is he talking to me?

Yuri:
No, Eirik's on your side, Mr. Waters. Your young friend blinded him last night.

Harry:
Ray did?

Eirik:
I was trying to rob him. And he took my gun from me. And the gun was full of blanks. And he shot a blank into my eye. And now I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say.

Harry:
Well, to be honest, it sounds like it was all your fault.

Eirik:
What?!

Harry:
I mean basically, if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks, and you allow your gun to be taken off you, and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank which I assume that the person has to get quite close to you then, yeah, really, it's all your fault for being such a poof, so why don't you stop whining and cheer the f*** up.

[Eirik, furious, stands up]

Yuri:
Eirik - I really wouldn't respond.

Eirik:
I thought you wanted the guy dead?

Harry:
I do want the guy dead, I want him f***ing crucified. But it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it?

Yuri:
There are a lot of alcoves in the Astridpark. You use this word, alcoves?

Ken:
Alcoves, yes. Sometimes.

Yuri:
There are not many people around in these alcoves at Christmas time. If I were to murder a man I would murder him here. (beat) Are you sure this is the right word, alcoves?

Ken:
Alcoves, yes! It's kind of like, nook and crannies.

Yuri:
Nooks and crannies, yes! Perhaps this would be more accurate. Nooks and crannies rather than alcoves. Yes. You are going to do it aren't you? Mr. Waters would be very disappointed.

Ken:
Of course I'm going to f***ing do it. It's what I do.

Ken:
Technically, your bare hands can kill someone as well. I mean, what if he knew karate?

Ray:
I thought you said he was a lollipop man.

Ken:
He was a lollipop man.

Ray:
What's a lollipop man doing knowing f***ing karate?

Ken:
I'm just saying.

Ray:
How old was he?

Ken:
About fifty.

Ray:
Why would a fifty-year old lollipop man know f***ing karate! What was he, a Chinese lollipop man?

Ken:
No!

Ray:
Well, then.

Ray:
Back off, shorty!