In the House

Jackie Warren:
You're the nanny. It's your job to fix things.

Marion Hill:
Whoa. Don't ever call me the Nanny. You can call me sir, you can call me boss or you can call me what all the ladies call me... Mr. Goodbar.

Tiffany Warren:
My mind is open and so are my eyes. Those ladies are liars and they're losers.

Jackie Warren:
Tiffany, I went through a lot to set this up, now you're gonna meet these ladies - case closed. [Voice activated door closes]

Jackie Warren:
Well, it's nice to know something around here is listening to me.

Jackie Warren:
Sasha, I know you want me in your calling circle, but I don't consider you as family or friends.

Milton:
Community property doesn't cover what's in my head.

Jackie Warren:
Neither does hair!

Regina:
You always could make me laugh, Marion. Even in bed.

Marion Hill:
You feel ready for a good laugh right now?

Jackie Warren:
I've got so much baggage.

Marion Hill:
I know. Some guys like a little extra baggage.

Sascha:
You have a very strong gum line.

Jackie Warren:
Excuse me?

Sascha:
I always notice a person's smile. I'm a dental hygienist.

Jackie Warren:
Oh. I guess if you go to work in an outfit like that, you'll never have to say "open wide"

Marion Hill:
[while on a date] I just started my own business and I'm running a little low on cash, so a french restaurant is out. But I know a mice little Scottish place down the street... McDonald's? [date drive off and leave] I got cookies!

Marion Hill:
No problem ever got solved in bed. In fact as you get older, you'll find a lot of problems start in bed... Especially when you're playing in a different city every week...

Carlton:
I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I was captain of the chess team.

Marion Hill:
Somehow I get the impression you toot your own horn a lot.

Marion Hill:
[after finding out about his friend's hobby as a female impersonator] I knew you wanted to make a change, but you didn't make the big change did you?

Kevin:
Everything above the knees is still the same.

Marion Hill:
Not from where I'm standin'.

Austin Warren:
You want to hook up a hot tub, do it yourself!

Marion Hill:
Fine, I'll have it hooked up when before you leave school.

Austin Warren:
Yeah, maybe high school!

Jackie Warren:
If you want me to hate Milton, I don't. He's the father of my two children, and for a long time we had a good marriage and a happy family life. But he gave all of that up because he fell madly in love with someone, he was willing to lose everything.

Sascha:
You mean me?

Jackie Warren:
[sarcastically] No, I mean Barbara Bush

Marion Hill:
[Milton is making groaning noises while trying to sleep] If you're doing what I think you're doing, Knock it off!

Tonia Harris:
You sold out faster than a Donna Summers CD at a gay pride rally!

Austin Warren:
Why did Dad call this family meeting?

Tiffany Warren:
He probably wants to buy me a car. I'm almost 16 and I am close to getting my driver's license.

Jackie Warren:
I don't know, let wait till Sascha turns 16 and see what happens.

Austin Warren:
[about trying out for football] Didn't you say any kid could be a champion?

Coach Sam Wilson:
I said any kid not every kid.

Police Officer:
You do realize it's against the law to impersonate a police officer?

Marion Hill:
I'm not impersonating you unless you're wearing a leopard-skin thong! [laughs]

Police Officer:
Who's the driver of this vehicle?

Clayton:
I am.

Police Officer:
You're parked in a red zone.

Clayton:
We're running late. Can you give me a ticket? You see, we got a room full of ladies waiting to see us strip.

Police Officer:
This car has 18 outstanding parking violations. Out of the car, fellas. We're going downtown.

Marion Hill:
Thanks a lot guys. Not only am I humiliated, but I'm going to the last place I'd ever want to wear tear-away pants!