It Takes a Thief

Noah Bain:
Oh, uh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy. I'm just asking you to steal.

Alexander Mundy:
Let me get this straight: you *want* me to steal?

Alistair Mundy:
[part of opening title narration] I've heard of stealing *from* the government, but *for* the government?

Alexander Mundy:
What does Von Wolfgang own besides everything?

Noah Bain:
Everything else.

Al Mundy:
Alright, here's the gig. I'm going to give you a pill to lay on Madame Rhodos, it dissolves in tea or coffee. When she trips out you call for a specialist, Dr. Von Mundy, from Vienna.

Willard Knox:
Seven years in 'the service', and they didn't even send me a Christmas card.

Alexander Mundy:
Well, I'll send you some dried fruit the minute I hit the street.

Alexander Mundy:
[surveying the many statues being sculpted in the art studio] Wow! A pigeon could blow it's mind in here!

Noah Bain:
Pierre Dushon has been found dead.

Alexander Mundy:
I hope he didn't die of anything serious.

Duchess Christina:
Your position is going to be more than just "awkward" once they've no further *use* for you- it's going to be *fatal*!

Dimitri Stavro:
[startled] What do you mean?

Duchess Christina:
[surprised] Oh, come on now! You don't *honestly* think that they're going to let you live so you can *blackmail* them, do you? [disdainfully] I would have *thought* that a man of your intelligence would have figured that out for *himself*!

Dr. Schneider:
[while eagerly showing Noah her new "laser lens", actually a large glass dildo] Beautiful, isn't it? And truly remarkable! Unfortunately, I will have only several days to work with it. [the network censors really missed this one!]

Noah Bain:
[speaking to Al via microphone, as Al is kissing Miss Ames] Al, if this circuit were wired for television, I have a hunch I'd come over there and break your other leg!

Alexander Mundy:
[Lying in bed, being tended to by Miss Ames] Noah, you have a dirty, but accurate mind. Have a nice time at dinner tonight, Boss. I know I will. [Whereupon he kisses Miss Ames again]