Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

[from trailer]

Bicycle man:
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!

Irving Zisman:
Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!

[from trailer]

Billy:
What's your stripper's stage name?

Adult bookstore clerk:
Do I look like a stripper?

Billy:
I'll just call you Cinnamon.

Billy:
[to moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk] Thanks for the crime!

Billy:
[after Irving defecates on the restaurant wall] EW, GRANDPA, YOU *SHARTED*!

Irving Zisman:
My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.

Irving Zisman:
[about his deceased wife] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!

Irving Zisman:
You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?

Woman #1:
No.

Irving Zisman:
Seventy-five dollars.

Woman #2:
What's so special about it?

Irving Zisman:
It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying? [chuckles]

Irving Zisman:
[to a woman] You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went, "Ooooowww" it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went "Ooooowww" but one time.

Irving Zisman:
[while making a ham sandwich in the store] Now, let's get some damn mustard.

Irving Zisman:
[to the fast-food worker] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang! [laughs]

Billy:
[to the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.

Irving Zisman:
[turns to Billy] I don't sh*t myself, you little prick!

Irving Zisman:
[to one of the male black strippers] So I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?

Irving Zisman:
Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!

Irving Zisman:
[about a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?

Billy:
Yeah...

Irving Zisman:
How long did you go out with her?

Billy:
A day.

Irving Zisman:
[bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!

Irving Zisman:
[to Billy at the diner] Oh, man. I think all this bacon's getting to Grandpa. [farts]

Irving Zisman:
[upon hearing his wife had died] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!

[first lines]

Billy:
[at the law office] You know what I wanna be when I grow up?

Lady:
What?

Billy:
A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.

Lady:
I'm sorry to hear that. [gives Billy an awkward look]

Billy:
[while pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.

Irving Zisman:
Pipe down! [moans] Oh, God...

Billy:
[keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?

Irving Zisman:
[mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a sh*t?

Irving Zisman:
I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure! [chuckles]

Billy:
[about his grandma] She passed away.

Woman:
[gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.

Irving Zisman:
Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a b*tch, but yeah.

Woman:
[gasps] Jeez. My goodness!

Irving Zisman:
Well, gotta call a spade a spade.

Irving Zisman:
[after putting his dead wife in his trunk] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...

James:
[walks away] Come on, man! Are you serious?

Irving Zisman:
[continues with his prayer] In your name we pray. Amen.

Billy:
[to a random man on the street] You're my dad. High five, Dad!