Jeff, Who Lives at Home

Sharon:
Jeff, what do you do in the basement? You're not cleaning it.

Jeff:
You really want to know? You didn't like it last time we had this conversation.

Sharon:
Okay no, you're right, I don't.

Jeff:
Why can't you just tell her the truth?

Pat:
Are you kidding? Do you know anything about adult relationships?

[first title card]

Title Card:
Everyone and everything is interconnected in this universe. Stay pure of heart and you will see the signs. Follow the signs, and you will uncover your destiny. -Jeff

[first lines]

Jeff:
I watched "Signs" again last night.

[last lines]

[Jeff sits watching television, eating a Pop-Tart]

TV Announcer:
[off-screen] We'll be right back with that rescue tale of local councilman Kevin Landry and his two little girls. All that and more when we come back.

Jeff:
You know what? I have a a**hole for a brother and it breaks my heart.

Pat:
And what is this, a sex board?

Jeff:
This morning I was meant to have a business meeting with the Kevins and destiny, and now you're here at this, this weird hooters thing. And so now, I'm just trying to figure out how to proceed.

Pat:
What you just said sounded like Yoda took acid and stumbled into a business meeting.

Jeff:
You can make all the fun of Yoda that you want. Yoda would be f***ing killer in a business meeting.