Just Good Friends

Vince Pinner:
Pen, what's wrong with you?

Penny Warrender:
Can't you tell?

Vince Pinner:
What?

Penny Warrender:
God, what a zonko! Vincent, you are the most cretinous, slow-witted, irritating moron that I've ever come across.

Vince Pinner:
Don't mince words with me, Pen. Have you got something to say?

Stan:
'ere let me ask you something, who's in charge here?

Vince Pinner:
Go on, Stan. I ain't heard this one.

Stan:
You are the assistant manager, I make the decisions.

Vince Pinner:
Stanley, so far today you've decided to turn down good business, give fraud a bad name, and to accept a bet on an elephant race. In my opinion you are to bookmaking what Wayne Sleep is to rugby league. No offence.

Norman Warrender:
Daphne...

Daphne Warrender:
Yes, Norman?

Norman Warrender:
Do you still... well, do you still get a thrill from... well, you know...

Daphne Warrender:
Oh, for heavens sake, Norman. We are in the 1980s, if you mean sex then say... thingy.

Norman Warrender:
Amazing article in this magazine. Were you aware that 76% of women in the over 40s group have only ever made love to one man in their entire life?

Vince Pinner:
Really, does it give his name?

Penny Warrender:
What have you been doing with yourself today, hmm?

Vince Pinner:
Well, I've been window shopping. Looking for new bedding, that sort of thing.

Daphne Warrender:
[sarcastically] Pity the army surplus store has closed down.

Vince Pinner:
Yes. I imagine you must miss it terribly, Daphne.

Penny Warrender:
How can I find out if he has met someone else?

Elaine:
Ask him.

Penny Warrender:
He'd lie.

Elaine:
How do you know?

Penny Warrender:
He's a liar.

Norman Warrender:
Darling, think back to when we were younger. Now, I can still remember our first time.

Daphne Warrender:
Amazing, Norman. I can hardly remember the last time.

Les Pinner:
You mollycoddle that boy too much, Reet. It's unhealthy.

Rita Pinner:
What do you mean unhealthy?

Les Pinner:
He's developing one of them oedipus complexes.

Rita Pinner:
I don't care what's wrong with him as long as he loves his mum.

Penny Warrender:
Graham, this is Vince. Vince, Graham.

Graham Perry:
It's a pleasure to meet you.

Vince Pinner:
Yeah, I suppose it must be.

Graham Perry:
I'm a vegan.

Vince Pinner:
You'd never guess it.

Graham Perry:
Do you know what a vegan is, Vince?

Penny Warrender:
Of course he knows what a vegan is, don't you, Vince?

Vince Pinner:
Absolutely, I never missed an episode of Star Trek.

[repeated line]

Clifford Pinner:
It weren't my fault.

Rita Pinner:
Course it weren't, babe! No-one's blamin' ya.

Penny Warrender:
Do you mind if I have a wine?

Vince Pinner:
Why not, it's all you've been doing since you got here.

Vince Pinner:
Pen, what I have to say isn't going to be easy. So would you just for this once allow me to speak without interrupting? You see, Pen...

Penny Warrender:
What do you mean interrupting? I never interrupt.

Vince Pinner:
No. I must be thinking of someone else.

Penny Warrender:
Yes, you must.

Penny Warrender:
The very first night we met you tried your luck.

Vince Pinner:
Nothing happened between us for a long time.

Penny Warrender:
Only because I wouldn't allow it. I'd known you for exactly one hour. You'd bought me a coca-cola and tried to undo my bra. I can remember thinking "I'm glad I didn't order a Bacardi with it".

Vince Pinner:
She loves me, Pen.

Penny Warrender:
Yes, but what about me?

Vince Pinner:
She's never met you but I think you'd get on like a house on fire.

Penny Warrender:
It isn't an easy decision. My future hangs in the balance. I can either accept the company's offer, build a career, travel, have total fulfillment and enjoyment of life... or I can marry Vince.

Daphne Warrender:
And what are you going to do?

Penny Warrender:
I haven't decided yet.

Daphne Warrender:
Norman, will you speak to her?

Norman Warrender:
You do whatever you think is best, darling.

Daphne Warrender:
Keep out of this, Norman.

Daphne Warrender:
What kind of a future would you have with "Thing"? He's an idle, itinerant worker drifting from job to job always on the edge of legality - an ice cream vendor, a used car salesman, and now a bookie.

Penny Warrender:
One day Vince will inherit the family business.

Daphne Warrender:
That's something to look forward to, isn't it? One day your husband will manage a few scrap metal yards!

Penny Warrender:
No he wont. He intends to sell them.

Daphne Warrender:
How much do you think he'll get for that?

Penny Warrender:
Well, according to his father, at the last audit, they were valued at two and a half million pounds.

Norman Warrender:
[shocked] Two and a half million?

Penny Warrender:
[smugly] Yes.

Daphne Warrender:
[after a long pause] Well, I've said everything I'm going to say. You must do as you think fit, darling.

[Penny is cuddling up to Vince on the sofa]

Penny Warrender:
[tenderly and seductively] I used to dream about you. I used to dream about your body.

Vince Pinner:
[surprised] Did you?

Penny Warrender:
[laughing] I used to dream the police came round and asked me to identify it!

[Les is telling Vince about a villain that he stood up to]

Les Pinner:
He used to be an enforcer for the Kray Brothers - till they sacked him for being too aggressive. He knew I was earning and he wanted his cut. Now unlike you, Vincent, I ain't never been a fighting man. But I knew I had a straight choice. I either paid him what he wanted and had him on my back for the rest of my natural, or I fronted him out. And that's what I did. I was scared, petrified, but I stood up to him. And do you know what? I discovered I had an inner strength. It was as if it weren't me fighting - it was another feller, stronger than me, who had no fear. Every blow was considered in a calm and clinically violent way. George Fimbo never came near or by that yard again.

Vince Pinner:
And were you hurt?

Les Pinner:
Hurt? Three months in a convalescent home, eighteen months before I could walk without a stick!

[Les phones Vince's answerphone]

Les Pinner:
[pleasantly, while Rita is within earshot] Vincent. It's your father speaking.

[he waits until Rita has left the room]

Les Pinner:
[angrily] Vincent! Do you remember about six months ago you bought and sold six German tanks? "120 tons of top-quality scrap", you said. Well surprise surprise! That top-quality scrap has turned up - on the borders between Angola and Namibia! It's in the hands of rebel forces! It's seen action! It's fired on government troops! And guess who the last registered owners are - Pinner bloody Metals of Walthamstow. We are under investigation, Vincent. Now that's nothing new. But this time it is not Scotland Yard, the Inland Revenue or Customs and Excise. This time it's the United bloody Nations! Now I know I bestowed the company to you. Well I am bestowing it right back! I also know that the firm is legally yours, but my name is still on the deeds to that land. So as far as my scrap metal yards are concerned, you are out! You understand me, Vincent? O U T! Finito! Gurnished! Gone! Out!

[later, Vince listens to the answerphone]

Les Pinner:
[on answerphone playback] Vincent. It's your father speaking...

Vince Pinner:
Thank God for a friendly voice.

[to Penny]

Vince Pinner:
It's a nice road you've moved to. Look at all those conifers and gnomes - reminds me of the red-light district in Camberwick Green!

[Vince comes into Penny's office]

Penny Warrender:
What are *you* doing here?

Vince Pinner:
I'd like to insure my life.

Penny Warrender:
We don't handle policies that small.

[Les is having a father-to-son chat with Vince]

Vince Pinner:
Penny's husband Graham doesn't like me.

Les Pinner:
I'd have thought you'd have got used to that sort of thing by now.

Vince Pinner:
But this is different - he's some kind of black-belt judo ace. I'm supposed to have a meal with a First Dan who don't like me. Flick of the wrist I could be doing a Fosbury Flop over the sweet trolley.

Les Pinner:
I see. You're scared of him.

Vince Pinner:
[doubtfully] No. I'm not scared of him. It's just that I've always led my life by one simple code. And that is: never wind Bruce Lee up.

Les Pinner:
I don't know what you're worried about. Upstairs you've got a cup for boxing.

Vince Pinner:
I won that in a game of brag.

Les Pinner:
*He* doesn't know that, does he?

Vince Pinner:
So what do you want me to do - take the cup to the restaurant with me?

Les Pinner:
So what you gonna do?

Vince Pinner:
I won't go. Penny doesn't want me to be there.

Les Pinner:
She's just saying that because she's frightened you'll get hurt.

Vince Pinner:
Well for once in our lives I'm in total agreement.

Les Pinner:
Look, son. *Everyone* gets scared at one time or another. There's no shame in that. A coward ain't a person who *feels* fear. A coward is a person who runs away from that fear.

Vince Pinner:
But I'm not running away. I won't even be there.

Les Pinner:
Now you listen to me. I remember an occasion many years ago. I'd just started out in the metal game on me own. Opened me first yard round the back of Reedbridge station. I was doing very nicely, thank you. Till one day this bloke walks in. George Fimbo. Small-time heavy. Used to be an enforcer for the Kray brothers. Till they sacked him for being too aggressive. He knew I was earning and he wanted his cut. Now I'm like you, Vincent - I ain't never been a fighting man. But I knew I had a straight choice. I either paid him what he wanted and had him on me back for the rest of me natural, or I fronted him out. And that's what I did. I was scared, petrified. But I stood up to him. And d'you know what? I discovered I had an inner strength. It was as if it weren't me fighting - it was another feller, stronger than me, who had no fear. Every blow was considered in a calm and clinically violent way. George Fimbo never came near or by that yard again. All right?

Vince Pinner:
Were you hurt?

Les Pinner:
Hurt? Three months in a convalescent home, eighteen months before I could walk without a stick.

Vince Pinner:
[unconvinced] Yeah, well, thanks for talking to me, Dad.

Les Pinner:
There were four of them! He came mob-handed. What chance did I have? You can have all the inner strength going, but the bloke with the gang will always win. What I'm trying to say is: sometimes you win by losing. Think about it, son.

[final lines:
Penny and Vince leave the Paris register office where their wedding was conducted in French]

Vince Pinner:
There's just one thing that's confusing me. What was all that about?

Penny Warrender:
Shut up, Vince, there's a good boy!

Vince Pinner:
No, really. I only came in to get a work permit.