Just Married

Sarah:
Tom, Tom, calm down your acting crazy.

Tom:
O.K, sorry, maybe it's just the fact I just got hit in the head with a ten pound ashtray.

Tom:
Son of a beotch! My skull is on firee!

Tom:
I need to know everything... where, when, how small his weiner is.

Tom:
Did you use protection?

Sarah:
I'm sorry, they don't make condoms that big.

Peter:
I'm not afraid of you. I studied martial arts with some of the best Chinese masters.

Tom:
Well, I sure hope they taught you how to pull a fire poker out of your ass.

Tom:
The first sex I had on my honeymoon, was with a man named Santino.

Sarah:
Cheese and rice.

Stewardess:
Please, the seats lights are on. Please return to your seats.

Sarah:
BEAT IT STEW.

Tom:
Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening. You don't want me to be with Sarah and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life. Now, will you please... please... open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.

Kyle:
That is one strong gate.

Tom:
I just hope that... I can be... all that I can... be... in this... family...

Mr. Leezak:
Gonna tell me what your chewin' on?

Tom:
I just don't know if love is enough anymore.

Mr. Leezak:
What do you mean, "enough"?

Tom:
I mean... Even if Sarah and I do love each other... maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.

Mr. Leezak:
So...

Mr. Leezak:
what your saying here is... you had a couple of bad days in Europe and... it's over. Time to grow up, Tommy.

Tom:
Hmm?

Mr. Leezak:
Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up. She doesn't need anymore security than that.

Tom:
Thanks, dad.

Tom:
Girl, we are never gonna forget this honeymoon.

Sarah:
Is that a Thunderstick A-200o

Tom:
When did you become an expert?

Sarah:
I told you about that night in college.

Tom:
But you never told me about the hardware.

Sarah:
Getting a visual

Tom:
We gotta charge this thing

Sarah:
That plug won't fit in European outlet.

Tom:
I'll make it fit.

Sarah:
Don't force it.

Tom:
Good thing that didn't happen while we were using it.

Tom:
Okay, whatever. Listen, you get guests here from all over the world, it's up to you to have some American on your signs.

Sarah:
He means English.

Tom:
Hey, we're in this together.

Sarah:
Do you have four guys staring at your boobies right now? No.

Sarah:
Tom, have you ever not told me something cause you were afraid of how I would react? Like have you ever not told me the truth about anything?

Tom:
Like when I told you I liked your brother?

Sarah:
This is serious Tom.

Tom:
I am serious, I really don't like him.

Mr. McNerney:
Listen, Leezak. I don't expect a "cracker" like you to be considerably a good match for my daughter, but I'll tell you what I do expect: I expect you pay me back in full as soon as that silly-ass radio show yields any kind of personal income. Goodbye, cracker!

Tom:
Assbag!

Tom:
Wow, P*ssy's never insulted me. Now I feel loved!

Tom:
Maybe we should just have sex.

Sarah:
Call me crazy, but I'm not in the mood to make love to you.

Tom:
Those birds are psychotic.

Tom:
How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe.

Sarah:
Grazie, grazie, grazie

Sarah:
Grazie, grazie god dammit.

Willie McNerney:
We'll sic the hounds on you Leezak.

Tom:
BRING EM ON, WILLIE!

Yuan:
We call S.W.A.T. team on your ass.

Sarah:
I miss doing time in prison with you.

Tom:
HOOKER!

Sarah:
MURDERER!

Tom:
And the hits just keep on coming.

Wendy:
That was the longest fricking piss in Italian history.

Wendy:
Oh my god! This is like the Twilight Zone.

Tom:
I couldn't agree with you more.

Kyle:
Open the gates. Jack-in-the-box!

Yuan:
Me not jack in box. You jack in box.

Tom:
I had the perfect relationship which was ruined by marriage.