Kaminey

Charlie:
Guddu doesn't know how much of f***ers you bastards really are.

Charlie:
Can I have your fell number?

Bhope Bhau:
[to others] What's he saying?

Bhope Bhau:
[to Charlie] WHICH number?

Charlie:
Fell. Mobile.

Bhope Bhau:
[laughs] Do... do... do you lisp?

Charlie:
Not really. I pronounce S as F.

Bhope Bhau:
[misinterpreting] If not as F, will you pronounce it as L? What about your brother? Does he lisp as well?

Charlie:
He stammers

Bhope Bhau:
[laughing] One lisps and the other stammers!

Tashi:
Business is business and power is power!

Charlie:
[thinking to himself] Don't forget. The path you choose doesn't screw your life. What screws you is the one you leave behind.

Mikhail:
[holding a chili pepper before Bhope] You know what we do when a horse refuses to run? We stuff a chili up his ass. How it takes off then.

Mikhail:
[making the sound of a horse running off onto the distance] Takbut, takbut, takbut, takbut, takbut, takbut... Later on, to catch up with it, the jockey sticks TWO up his own.

Bhope Bhau:
Two?

Mikhail:
[imitating the sound of a running jockey] Sarpat, sarpat, sarpat, sarpat...

[Everyone laughs but Charlie]

Bhope Bhau:
[laughing] Our way of dealing with laggards is a little different. We don't try to make them run. We just blow them off.

Charlie:
[over cell phone] Done digging my grave?

Tashi:
Reporting from inside the coffin.

Charlie:
[voiceover] There are two ways to earn a quick buck. A shortcut, and a shorter shortcut.

[First lines]

Charlie:
[voiceover] We are identical twins, but we are poles apart. He lags behind, whereas I zoom ahead. He stammers, and I pronounce 'S' as 'F'. On his deathbed, my father said, "Charlie, always remember - life is a b*tch, and the only way to deal with life is to be scoundrels."

Sweety:
[outside a door, following an argument over her pregnancy] I can't see you die.

Guddu:
[inside] I am not committing suicide.

Sweety:
I know, but if we don't get married soon, you'll be killed for sure. Listen, my full name is Sweety Shekhar Bhope. I'm Sunil "Chopper" Bhope's sister.

[Guddu realizes this makes him a marked man]

Ganesh:
We'll slice the boy and serve him for desert.

Flight Purser:
[weeping into phone] Bow... wow. Bow-wow.

Lobo:
[taking phone] Tashi, he wants to say that he is now your pet dog.

Tashi:
But I like b*tches. I have far too many dogs. Shoo away... shoo...

Sweety:
Don't you get it? Your chief is ready to trade his sister for votes. I don't want to marry that builder's wretched son. At least you should have supported me!

Guddu:
Why pull this farce on me? How many more lies?

Sweety:
Every lie had an honest intention.

Guddu:
Another lie.

Sweety:
We'll miss our flight.

Guddu:
What's the hurry? Let's get to know each other better.

Sweety:
I'm your wife.

Guddu:
That's a lie. You are Bhope's sister.

Sweety:
I'm carrying your child.

Guddu:
Really? Are you sure it's mine?

Mikhail:
[singing] Spiderman, Spiderman! Spiderman, Spiderman.

Charlie:
You'll die soon.

Mikhail:
Yes, right. As if YOU'LL live forever. How about I slit your throat?

Bhope Bhau:
Please come in, Mr. Sharma.

Charlie:
Sorry?

Bhope Bhau:
We barged in unannounced. We waited outside for awhile but we were hungry, so we came in hoping to find something to eat. Nothing beats fresh burgers on a rainy day.

Charlie:
Have you ever met him?

Bhope Bhau:
No.

Charlie:
Good for you. You've been lucky. He brings misfortune. There could be no worse omen than to see his shitty face. You mentioned him and my cell phone conked out.

Guddu:
Don't vent your anger on this poor burger.

Sweety:
You wouldn't even look at me. Do you remember? If I didn't pretend to stammer, you wouldn't have spoken to me. Stuck in your own shell, aloof from the rest of the world. I left everything behind for you.

Bhope Bhau:
Is this your culture, to lure innocent girls and screw them? When did you arrive here?

Guddu:
Here in Bombay?

Bhope Bhau:
[correcting] Mumbai.

Guddu:
I was born here, but Father arrived in B... Bombay in 1984.

Bhope Bhau:
[again correcting] Mumbai.

Guddu:
It was called Bombay back then.

Ganesh:
You bastard! It was Mumbai then and it is Mumbai now!

Bhope Bhau:
You bloody migrants are chewing the city hollow like termites. The city is bursting at its seams and you people swarm like flies to rob our share of the pie.

Guddu:
My father used to say that we are like sugar added to milk. If we leave, the milk won't lessen but will turn bland.

Ganesh:
How thoughtful. The chief has diabetes.

Guddu:
I need a loan.

Charlie:
Did the sun rise from the west today?

Tashi:
Try again, sir. Call. And if he doesn't answer, shoot yourself.

Charlie:
One diamond adorns her finger, while she is a gem herself.

Guddu:
We sat on the same bench. Both of us.

Sweety:
Who both?

Guddu:
Sabiha and I. Sabiha Laeek Ahmed. I was in love with her. She loved hearing s-stories from me. Champak, Nandan, Bela Bahadur... comics. Then one day I realized it wasn't the stories she loved. It was my fumbling that made her laugh. Once, I caught her imitating me - gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh. That's when I realized not only do I stammer, but I'm a duffer, too.

Bhope Bhau:
Listen, I understand your love for each other - I got a vibe in the train - but if my sister marries a migrant, I'll be crucified. My grave will be dug. Not only will I lose my reputation, but my election fund as well. The builder is paying me to get his son and Sweety married. Five crores! Can you imagine how much that is?

Lele:
[heard in flashback] Hey.

Burgess:
[heard in flashback] There is powder worth ten crores in the guitar.

Bhope Bhau:
One million dollars.

Charlie:
[heard in flashback] I'll shoot her! I'll shoot her!

Bhope Bhau:
How much? Five whopping crores!

Guddu:
If I give you ten, will you sell her to me?