Keeping the Faith

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Oy.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Amen to your oy.

Anna:
I have a relationship with my phone. It's set to vibrate.

Jacob:
God was showing off when he made you.

Indian Bartender:
May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.

Indian Bartender:
Let me guess. Your wife left you and took the kids.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
It's a little more complicated than that.

Indian Bartender:
Sure it is. Everyone thinks his story is the one with a twist. Well let me tell you, I've heard just about everything there is to...

Indian Bartender:
Holy sh*t.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Sometimes we don't see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way.

Anna:
So this is a rectory. That sounds like a bad word. Rectory!

Jacob:
I mean, she's like your sister!

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion.

Anna Riley:
I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

Rachel Rose:
Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ooh!... Is that bad or good?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Is this a good machine?

Don:
Yeah, that one good. If you a cheap bastard! No, that one OK, but if you serious about CAR-O.K., then there only one machine for you. The Audio 3000! This baby got multiple inputs, dual pitch analyzer, so you can change the pitch, if your voice sucks, but I don' need that.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
How much does it cost?

Don:
PRICE IS NOT IMPORTANT!

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No, price is very important. How much... does it cost... exactly?

Don:
OK, OK, you got me, take me away. It's a little bit expensive, but it's worth it. When you sing, to your girlfriend, and her heart WaBOOM, fall down on the floor, you say THANK YOU DON!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Whoa! You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the fact that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?

Alan Klien:
I suck! They're gonna take away my Yamacha!

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
You're a Sikh, Catholic, Muslim, with Jewish in-laws.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
What happened to our youth?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Well thank you for waiting to tell me, because it's definitely less weird for me now.

Rabbi Lewis:
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Father Havel:
Who is calling at this hour? It's barbaric. I was dreaming about my mother's sausages.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
You must think I'm such an idiot!

Anna Riley:
No, Brian!

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No, no no, I think I'm an idiot!

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I'm Irish! This is milk to me baby! Milk!

Paulie Chopra:
I would like to thank you for telling me that story.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Why?

Paulie Chopra:
Because now I can retire.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I don't doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you, and that makes me doubt everything else.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I feel like I'm on some bad new Aaron Spelling show - "Melrose Priest."

Indian Bartender:
I don't do penance, I do shots.