Kentucky Fried Movie

Klahn:
Now take him to be tortured!

Argon Spokesman:
Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces.

Pennington:
This is Buttkiss, Klahn's bodyguard - he is tough and ruthless. This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur - he is rough and toothless.

Newscaster:
The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in. More at eleven.

Newscaster:
I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven.

Newscaster:
Moscow in flames, missiles headed for New York. More at eleven.

The Architect:
What are you saying?

The Nurse:
Leave her... come back to Montana with me.

The Architect:
I could no sooner run away from her than myself.

The Nurse:
I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

The Architect:
Whose reality, yours or mine?

The Nurse:
My reality AND yours, that's whose!

The Architect:
What are you saying?

The Nurse:
Leave her! Come back to Montana with me!

The Architect:
I could no sooner run away from her than myself!

The Nurse:
I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

The Architect:
Whose reality, yours or mine?

The Nurse:
My reality AND yours, that's whose!

The Architect:
What are you saying?

Narrator:
Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!

1st guest:
"Fish for dinner last night?"

2nd guest:
"Phewww... Harvey still smoking those cigars?"

3rd guest:
"CHRIST! Did a cow sh*t in here?"

Narrator:
Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!

Klahn:
We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude.

Newscaster:
Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven.

Narrator:
If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno," if you were terrified by "Earthquake," Then you will be SCARED SHITLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!"

A.M. Newscaster:
It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives.

Game Show Host:
If I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up?

Guard #2:
I wouldn't - I'm no ding-a-ling.

Argon Spokesman:
At Argon, we're working to keep your money!

Loo:
What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation.

Claude LaMont:
I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown.

Paul Burmaster:
Claude, where are you living now?

Claude LaMont:
Zat... is unknown. I don't know.

Announcer:
It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!

Game Show Announcer:
Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

Henry Gibson:
Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness.

Pennington:
These are the Hartz Mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it.

Asquith:
Worse then Detroit?

Pennington:
I'm afraid so.

Pennington:
Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution...

Loo:
And who are they?

Dr. Klahn:
Refuse, found in waterfront bars.

Loo:
Shanghaied?

Dr. Klahn:
Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care.

Loo:
And these?

Dr. Klahn:
These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.

Dr. Klahn:
Guards! (move prisoners) Do you care?

Dr. Klahn:
Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink.

Guard:
What do you drink?

Dr. Klahn:
The CIA thinks they can infiltrate the Mountain of Dr. Klahn!

CIA Agent:
You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard.

Dr. Klahn:
Take him to... Detroit!

CIA Agent:
No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No! No!

Dr. Klahn:
No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!

Henry Gibson:
In the past year, over 800,000 millions have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

Henry Gibson:
It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk.

Mrs. Hefsteder:
Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives.

Husband:
Well, what's our little skeptic doing today?

Housewife:
She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil.

"or set up a home safety display in your local LIbrary".