Kingpin

Roy:
WHO YOU CALLIN' PSYCHO?

Roy:
How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties.

Lancaster Bowl Manager:
Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.

Roy:
And you call yourselves a bowling alley?

Roy:
Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.

Roy:
I think you can.

Roy:
Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.

Roy:
No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?

Ishmael:
You been drinking, Mr. Munson?

Roy:
I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.

Mr. Boorg:
How many children do you have?

Roy:
None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.

Roy:
Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.

Mr. Boorg:
We don't have a cow. We have a bull.

Roy:
I'm gonna brush my teeth.

Roy:
Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.

Claudia:
Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

Roy:
Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

Landlady:
What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.

Ishmael:
You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

Roy:
Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.

Ishmael:
Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?

Roy:
Flossin'.

Ishmael:
Flossin? Where the hell did I get "Munson"?

Roy:
The name's Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin'.

Claudia:
It must be hard to spank your monkey.

Ishmael:
You have a monkey?

Roy:
Take that, you piece of sh*t. You don't mow another guy's lawn.

Roy:
Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

Ishmael:
God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.

Roy:
Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a hint what it is. It's round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it.

Ishmael:
You leave Rebecca out of this.

Ernie McCracken:
You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Ernie McCracken:
It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.

Roy:
Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.

Ernie McCracken:
Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.

McKnight Bowl Bartender:
So, you two are dictionary salesmen?

Roy:
You would be punctilious in assuming that."

Ishmael:
Run for the hills everybody, there's a giant sh*t-cloud coming.

Roy:
That coffee wasn't even hot.

Roy:
now, that's hot.

Mr. Boorg:
Ishmael always was a strange boy, but he means well.

Claudia:
Ishmael likes me.

Roy:
I promise you, you're not his type.

Claudia:
Oh, I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.

Ernie McCracken:
Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.

Claudia:
He said handSOME, not handLESS.

Ishmael:
Hi Mr. Skidmark.

Ernie McCracken:
One more time, sweetness.

Ishmael:
I don't drink coffee.

Roy:
Why not?

Ishmael:
Because it's a stimulant.

Roy:
What the hell do you think cigarettes are?

Ishmael:
They are?

[Roy nods]

Ishmael:
All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.

Mike:
Can you get sick from drinking piss?

Roy:
Yeah, I think you can.

Mike:
Even if it's your own?

1979 Waitress:
Tanqueray and Tab.

Ernie McCracken:
Keep 'em comin', sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?

McCracken is throwing his final shot and does an awkward approach.

Chris Schenkel:
Look at that form! Left arm, way out there.

Roy Munson:
Who you calling psycho?!?!

Roy Munson:
The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine.

Ernie Mccracken:
It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits Roy.