Knock on Wood

Narrator:
But when ruthless and desperate men are at work, there are always the innocent who suffer.

[as the stage show's end, the ventriloquist's dummy asserts itself]

Jerry Morgan:
[speaking of his fiancee] Really, folks, she's a beautiful, wonderful girl. I wish you could see her.

Clarence:
Yeah, you should see her. A blonde, blue-eyed, baby-faced purse-snatcher.

Jerry Morgan:
Clarence!

Clarence:
A peroxide octopus.

Jerry Morgan:
Quiet!

Clarence:
Fifteen hands and they're all in his pockets.

Jerry Morgan:
Clarence! Please!

Clarence:
A hundred and ten pounds of well-stacked rattlesnakes!

Jerry Morgan:
Clarence!

Jerry Morgan:
Mr. Papinek, you're a Frenchman, and the French are supposed to know about these things. I'd like to ask you something. Now, how can you tell when you're really in love?

Maurice Papinek:
[having fixed his dolls] Remember, you must not touch.

Jerry Morgan:
Not even if you're in love?

Maurice Papinek:
Not until the glue hardens.

Marty Brown:
Please, don't say "stomach."

Godfrey Langston:
[looking out the airplane window] Tell me, Mr. Morgan, how many stars would you say there were out there?

Jerry Morgan:
Well... Stars? There in the sky stars?

Godfrey Langston:
Yes.

Jerry Morgan:
Hm. Well, uh, I-I don't know offhand. I-I, uh, I would say way up in the thousands.

Godfrey Langston:
A hundred thousand?

Jerry Morgan:
Well, uh, I think more than that.

Godfrey Langston:
Two hundred thousand?

Jerry Morgan:
Uh, nooooo. Possibly a little bit more.

Godfrey Langston:
Three hundred thousand.

Jerry Morgan:
I-I don't like to seem impertinent, Mr. Langston, but that's the Milky Way.

Godfrey Langston:
Very well, Mr. Morgan. How many would you say there were?

Jerry Morgan:
Stars? Well, uh, I'd say about a million.

Godfrey Langston:
A million?

Jerry Morgan:
Yeah... about.

Godfrey Langston:
Very well, Mr. Morgan. Let us say a million.

Jerry Morgan:
Very well, Mr. Langston, let's.

Godfrey Langston:
Good.

[They shake hands, Jerry not realizing he just negotiated the financial side of an espionage deal]

Jerry Morgan:
You know, I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm a little bit peculiar, but that's not crazy.

Jerry Morgan:
Listen, if this keeps up you'll get us kicked out of Switzerland.

Laslo Gromeck:
[stopping Jerry on his way back form the ladies' lavatory] Where is it?

Jerry Morgan:
Uh, third door on the right, but lock the door - they'll walk right in on ya.

Doctor Kreuger:
[noticing recognition between Jerry and Ilse] You two know each other?

Jerry Morgan:
Uh, no, not really. We slept in the same room last night. Uh... Uh, I-I mean... Uh, but I mean, we took a shower together. Uh, actually, we've never been actually introduced.

Dr. Ilse Nordstrom:
Tell me, Jerry, why are you so unhappy?

Jerry Morgan:
[regressed to when he was five-years-old] Because my mummy and daddy are always fighting and yelling and screaming at each other and throwing things and everything.

Dr. Ilse Nordstrom:
And why do they do that?

Jerry Morgan:
They have to - they're married.

Car Salesman:
I say, what did you think of the Himalayas?

Jerry Morgan:
Loved him, hated her.