Lady and the Tramp

Lady:
What's a baby?

Jock:
Well, they... they resemble humans.

Trusty:
But I'd say a mite smaller.

Jock:
Aye, and they walk on all fours.

Trusty:
And if I remember correctly... they beller a lot.

Jock:
And they're very expensive. You'll not be permitted to play with it.

Trusty:
But they're mighty sweet.

Jock:
And very very soft.

Tramp:
Just a cute little bundle... of trouble!

Peg:
What a dog!

Tramp:
Well! Snob Hill.

Trusty:
There comes a time in the life of all humans when uh... well as they put it... uh, the birds and the bees? Or well... uh... the stork? You know? Uh, no...

Trusty:
That's right, Miss Lady; as my grandpappy, Ol' Reliable used to say... I don't recollect that I've ever mentioned Ol' Reliable before?

Jock:
Aye, ye have, laddie. Frequently.

Si:

[First lines]

Jim Dear:
[giving Darling a hatbox] It's for you, Darling. Merry Christmas.

Darling:
Oh, Jim Dear. It's the one I was admiring, isn't it? Trimmed with ribbons?

Jim Dear:
Well, it has a ribbon, huh?

[The box is opened; inside is a young cocker spaniel]

Darling:
Oh, how sweet!

Jim Dear:
You like her, darling?

Darling:
Oh, I love her. What a perfectly beautiful little lady.

Tramp:
[looks into a pet shop window and sees three adorable puppies, sleeping, until one of them walks closer to him] Aw, cute little rascals! [the puppy yaps happily] A-cootchie-cootchie-cootchie-cootchie-coo!

Tramp:
Hey. Psst. Psst.

Bull:
Blimey! Look, Peg. It's the Tramp.

Tramp:
Shh.

Peg:
Hiya, handsome. Come to join the party?

Tramp:
All right, all right. No time for wisecracks. I've gotta get you out. I'm tellin' ya, the pressure's really hot. Signs all over town.

Peg:
Gee, thanks.

Bull:
You're a bit of all right, chum.

Tramp:
Okay, okay, get going.

Dog Catcher:
Hey, what's goin' on over there?

Tramp:
Scram! And be careful.

Dog Catcher:
What? You mangy mutt. Hey, let go. Let go of me!'

Jock:
Lassie! Lassie!

Trusty:
Oh, Miss Lady, ma'am! Miss Lady!

Jock:
Ah, good mornin', lassie. 'Tis a bonny, braw, bright day, uh, today.

Trusty:
Why, Miss Lady, is, uh, somethin' wrong?

Jock:
Aye, tell us, lassie. If somebody's been mistreatin' ya-

Lady:
Oh, no, Jock. It's something I've done, I guess.

Jock:
You?

Lady:
It must be. Jim Dear and Darling are acting so strange.

Trusty:
[to Lady] Jim Dear and Darling?

Jock:
[to Trusty] Hush, man! [to Lady] Now, lassie, get on with the details.

Lady:
Well, I first noticed it the other day when Jim Dear came home.

[in a flashback, Lady barks at Jim Dear]

Jim Dear:
[shooing Lady] Down, Lady, down! [walks past Lady] Darling? Darling, are you alright?

Darling:
Of course I am. Why shouldn't I be?

[Lady runs into the backyard, and through the dog door in the back]

Jim Dear:
I just can't help worrying. After all, in your condition, alone here all day, and walking that dog.

[Lady stops running, and is shocked. Flashback over.]

Jock:
[stunned] "That dog"?!

Trusty:
"That dog"?

Lady:
[laying down] He's never called me that before.

Jock:
Well now, lassie, I wouldn't-a worry my we head a bit about that. Remember: They're only humans, after all.

Trusty:
That's right, Miss Lady. As my Grandpappy, Ol' Reliable, used to say, um-- Don't recollect if I've ever mentioned Ol' Reliable before?

Jock:
Aye, ya have, laddie, frequently.

Trusty:
[dejected] Oh, yeah.

Lady:
But now Darling is-- Well, we've always enjoyed our afternoon together. But yesterday--

[flashback to the previous day; Darling is sitting in a rocking chair knitting and Lady has gotten a leash and wants to go for a walk]

Darling:
[after Lady begs for a walk] No, Lady. No walk today. [Lady gets her ball and wants to play fetch, but Darling picks up the ball] No, Lady. Not now. [Darling's yarn ball falls off her lap, and Lady grabs it] Lady. [Lady starts growling with yarn ball in her mouth] Drop that, Lady! [Lady runs with yarn ball, but Darling smacks her] Drop it, I say!

[flashback ends]

Lady:
It didn't hurt, really But Darling has never stuck me...before.

Jock:
[he and Trusty look at each other, and smile] Now, lassie dinnae take it too seriously. After all, at a time like this, there's--

Trusty:
Why, yes. You see, Miss Lady, there comes a time in the life of all humans when, uh-- Well, as they put it, uh, the Birds and the Bees? Or, well, uh, the stork? You know? No? Well, then, uh--

Jock:
What he's trying to say, lassie, is Darling is expecting a wee-bairn.

Lady:
"Bairn"?

Trusty:
He means a baby, Miss Lady.

Lady:
Oh. What's a baby?

Jock:
Well, they, they resemble humans.

Trusty:
But I'd say a mite smaller.

Jock:
Aye, and they walk on all fours.

Trusty:
And, if I remember correctly, they beller a lot.

Jock:
Aye, and they're very expensive. You will not be permitted to play with.

Trusty:
But they're mighty sweet.

Jock:
And very, very soft.

Tramp:
Just a cute little bundle... of trouble. Yeah, they scratch, pinch, pull ears-- Aw, but shucks, any dog can take that. It's what they do to your happy home. Move it over, will ya, friend? Homewreckers. That's what they are.

Jock:
Look here, laddie! Who are you to barge in?!

Tramp:
The voice of experience, buster. Heh-heh. Boy, just wait 'til Junior gets here. You feel the urge for a nice, comfortable scratch, and... [imitates female voice] "Put that dog out! He'll get fleas all over the baby!" [normal voice] You start barking at some strange mutt. [barks] [imitates female voice] "Stop that racket, you'll wake the baby!" [normal voice] And then-- Then they hit you in the room and board department. Oh, remember those nice, juicy cuts of beef? Forget 'em. Leftover baby food. And that nice, warm bed by the fire? [chuckles] A leaky dog house.

Lady:
[worried] Oh, dear.

Jock:
Dinnae listen, lassie! No human is that cruel!

Trusty:
Of course not, Miss Lady. Why, everybody knows a dog's best friend is his human.

Tramp:
[laughing] Oh, come on now, fellas! Oh, you haven't fallen for that old line now, have you?

Jock:
Aye, and we've no need for mongrels and their r-r-radical ideas. Off with ya now! Off with ya! Off with ya!

Tramp:
Okay, Sandy.

Jock:
The name's Jock!

Tramp:
Okay, Jock.

Jock:
Heather Lad of Glencairn, to you!

Tramp:
Okay, okay, okay! But remember this, Pigeon: A human heart has only so much room for love and affection. When a baby moves in, the dog moves out.

Tramp:
Well, here we are.

Lady:
The zoo?

Tramp:
Sure! No, no. This way. Follow me.

[the zoo security guard hums an Irish folk song]

Lady:
Oh!

Tramp:
What's the matter, Pige?

Lady:
We can't go in.

Tramp:
Why not?

Lady:
Well, the sign says, "No Dogs Allowed."

Tramp:
Yeah, well, well, that's... That's the angle.

Lady:
Angle?

Tramp:
Look, we'll just wait for the right... [the professor appears reading a book] Uh-oh! Here we are now. Just lay low.

[Tramp whistles at the zoo security guard, then barks]

Zoo Security Guard:
Hey, you!

Professor:
[closes his book] Uh, I beg your pardon? Were you addressing me?

Zoo Security Guard:
What's the matter?! [shows the professor the "No Dogs Allowed" sign] Can't you read?!

Professor:
Why, yes. Several languages.

Zoo Security Guard:
Oh, a wise guy, eh? [Tramp growls viciously at the zoo security guard] All right, now... [points to Tramp with his nightstick] ...what's this creature doing here?

Tramp:
[barks at the zoo security guard's nightstick]

Professor:
He's not my dog. [Tramp jumps into the professor's arms]

Zoo Security Guard:
Oh, he's not, eh?! [Tramp barks at the zoo security guard]

Professor:
Let go! Go away! Go on! Why, certainly not, officer.

Zoo Security Guard:
Aye, and I suppose you'll be telling me next that it was the dog that was whistling, eh?!

Professor:
I-I-I'm certain I don't know.

Zoo Security Guard:
Oh, so, I'm a liar now, am I?! [angrily] Well, you listen to me! AHA! Resisting an officer of the law! [Tramp tears off the back of the professor's suit, in order to provoke him into getting into trouble with the zoo security guard] Oh, you're going to pay! [Tramp bites the zoo security guard's buttocks] OW!! Pull a knife on me, would you?! Trying to assassinate me, are you?! Carrying a concealed weapon! [the zoo security guard's and the professor's fight makes some nearby elephants, lions, and giraffes think the zoo security guard and the professor both have gone crazy, as they watch the fight from their exhibits]

Tramp:
[continues barking, then to Lady] Come on, Pidge. The place is ours. [he enters the zoo with Lady, as the zoo security guard and the professor continue fighting]

Tramp:
We'd better go through this place from A to Z. Apes. No, no, no, no. No use even asking them.

[one of the apes in their cage scratches his head at the two dogs, while the other two both look at the audience]

Tramp:
They wouldn't understand.

Lady:
They wouldn't?

Tramp:
Uh-uh. Too closely related to humans. Uh-oh! Alligators. Now, there's an idea! [to the alligator about the muzzle] Say, Al? Do you suppose you could nip this contraption off for us?

Al the Alligator:
Glad to oblige. [Opens his mouth wide to the point where Lady's entire head can fit in it]

Tramp:
Whoa, WHOA!!!! [The alligator nearly, and accidentally, bites Lady's head off, but the Tramp saves her at the last second and a hyena laughs hysterically in his cage at both Lady and Tramp] Huh! If anybody ever needed a muzzle, it's him.

Beaver:
[off-screen] TIMBER!!!!

Tramp:
Hey, Pigeon! Look out! [a tree falls over close to the two dogs] Now, what hair-brained idiot would--? [notices a beaver gnawing on the tree] Hey, look! A beaver! Here's the answer to our problem!

Beaver:
[inspects the tree] Let me see here... 6 foot 6 and 7/16 inches.

Tramp:
Uh... Pardon me, friend! I wonder if you'd do us a little...

Beaver:
Busy, sonny! Busy! Can't stop to gossip now. [tries to push the tree] Gotta slide this sycamore to...the swamp.

Tramp:
Yeah, well, this will only take a second of your time.

Beaver:
Only a second?! L-Listen! Listen, sonny! Do you realize every second 70 centimeters of water is wasted over that spill-way?! [points to his unfinished dam]

Tramp:
Yeah, but...

Beaver:
Gotta get this log moving, sonny! Gotta get it moving! T'ain't the cuttin' takes some time! It's the doggone haulin'!

Tramp:
[notices the leash to Lady's muzzle and the limb on the tree] The haulin'! Exactly! Now, what you need is--

Beaver:
I'd better bisect this section here. [begins gnawing on the log]

Tramp:
What you need is a log puller! [the beaver gnaws loudly] [screaming] I SAID A LOG PULLER!!!

Beaver:
I ain't "deaf", sonny. There's no need to... Did you say, "log puller"?!

Tramp:
And by a lucky coincidence, you see before you, modeled by the lovely little lady, the new, improved, patented, handy-dandy, never-failed, little-giant log puller! The Busy Beaver's Friend!

Beaver:
You don't say!

Tramp:
Guaranteed not to wear, tear, rip, or ravel! Turn around, sister, and show the customer the merchandise. And it cuts log-hauling time 66%!

Beaver:
66%, eh?! [chuckles] Think of that! Well, how does it work?

Tramp:
Why, it's no work at all. You neatly slip this ring into the limb like this... [slips the leash of Lady's muzzle into the limb of the log] and haul it off!

Beaver:
Say, you mind if I slip it on for size?

Tramp:
Help yourself, friend! Help yourself!

Beaver:
Okay, don't mind if I do! [pulls on the rope to Lady's muzzle] How do you get the "consarned" thing off, sonny?

Tramp:
Glad you brought that up, friend. Glad you brought that up. To remove it, simply place the strap between your teeth.

Beaver:
Like this? [puts the strap of Lady's muzzle between his teeth]

Tramp:
Correct, friend! Now bite hard! [the beaver bites the strap of the muzzle, removing it from Lady] You see?

Lady:
It's off!

Beaver:
Say, that is simple!

Tramp:
Well, friend, we'll be on our way now, so...

Beaver:
Uh-uh-uh-uh! Not so fast now, sonny! [puts on the muzzle] I'll have to make certain it's satisfactory before we settle on a price.

Tramp:
Oh, no! It's all yours, friend! You can keep it!

Beaver:
Uh, I can, huh? I can?!

Lady:
Uh-huh. It's a free sample. [Tramp is astonished by this remark]

Beaver:
Well, thanks a lot! Thanks ever so... [the log rolls down the hill, causing the beaver to tumble with it; when the log hits the river, it blocks it completely, completing the dam] Say! It works swell! [water squirts out of the beaver's mouth]

Lady:
But when she put that horrible muzzle on me...

Tramp:
Oh, say no more. I get the whole picture. Aunts, cats, muzzles. Well, that's what comes of tying yourself down to one family.

Lady:
Haven't you a family?

Tramp:
One for every day of the week. The point is, none of them have me.

Lady:
I'm afraid I don't understand.

Tramp:
It's simple. You see... Hey! Something tells me it's supper-time. Come on. I'll show you what I mean. Now take the Schultzes here. Little Fritzie... That's me, Pige. Makes this his Monday home.

Lady:
Monday home?

Tramp:
[in German accent] Ach, ja! Mondays is Mama Schultz cooking der Wiener schnitzel. [normal voice] Delicious! [in Irish accent] Now, O'Briens here is where little Mike... Sure and that's me again, Pige. Comes of a Tuesday.

Lady:
"Of a Tuesday"?

Tramp:
Begorra and that's when they're after havin' that darlin' corn beef. [normal voice] You see, Pige, when you're footloose and collar-free... ah, you take nothing but the best.

Tony:
[to Lady and Tramp in an Italian accent] Now-a, first-a we fix-a the table-a.

Joe:
Here are-a your bones-a, Tony! [comes with a plate of bones]

Tony:
OK-a. Bones. [look in confusion then hits the plate of bones in the air] BONES-A?! What's-a the matter-a for-a you-a, Joe?! I [rolls an R] break-a your face-a! Tonight-a, Butch-a, he's-a get-a the best-a in-a the house-a!

Joe:
Okay, Tony. You the boss-a. [goes into the kitchen to cook Lady and Tramp something fancy]

Jock:
Courage, man. Courage.

Trusty:
But, I-I've never even considered matrimony.

Jock:
Nor I, but no matter which of us she accepts, we'll always be the best of friends. Now remember, not a word about her unfortunate experience. You don't want to hurt her feelings.

Trusty:
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jock:
Lassie.

Trusty:
Miss Lady, ma'am.

Lady:
Please, I don't want to see anybody.

Jock:
Now, now, lassie. Do not feel that way about it.

Trusty:
Of course not, Miss Lady. [unintentionally mocking Lady] Why, some of the finest people I ever tracked down were jail birds.

Jock:
[angrily] Quiet, [Trusty in fright hits his head onto the dog house] you great loony! Uh, please, Lassie.

Jim Dear:
[he and Darling are just arriving and see the Dog Catcher's wagon in front of their house] Darling, look.

Aunt Sarah:
[to the Dog Catcher] And if you want my advice, you'll destroy that animal at once.

Dog Catcher:
[walking Tramp to his wagon] Don't worry, Ma'am. We've been after this one for months. We'll take care of him.

Darling:
[as Jock and Trusty watch Tramp being loaded onto the wagon] Well, what do you suppose...?

Jim Dear:
Say, what's going on here?

Dog Catcher:
Just picking up a stray, mister. Come on, get up! Caught him attacking a baby.

Jim Dear:
Good heavens!

Darling:
My baby! [they race for the door]

Jim Dear:
Aunt Sarah!

Darling:
Aunt Sarah! Aunt Sarah!

Jim Dear:
Aunt Sarah!

Darling:
Aunt Sarah! [they enter the house]

[Last lines]

Trusty:
[to Lady and Tramp's puppies] As my grand pappy, Ol' Reliable, used to say...I don't recollect if I've ever mentioned Old Reliable before.

Annette, Collette, and Danielle:
[in unison] No, you haven't, Uncle Trusty.

Trusty:
Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say.

Aunt Sarah:
Thank goodness I got there in time. There they were, crib overturned...

Jim Dear:
Oh, I'm sure there must be some mistake. I know Lady wouldn't --

[Lady breaks out of the basement and barks to them]

Aunt Sarah:
Watch out! That dog's loose! Keep her away!

Jim Dear:
Nonsense! She's trying to tell us something. What is it, old girl?

[Lady leads them upstairs to the baby's room; she shows the dead rat behind the window curtain]

Jim Dear:
What are you trying...? [sees the rat] Darling, Aunt Sarah, come here!!

Darling:
What is it, Jim?

Aunt Sarah:
AHHH!!! A RAT!!!

[Outside, Jock and Trusty hear]

Trusty:
A rat? We should've known.

Jock:
I misjudged him... badly.

Trusty:
Come on. We got to stop that wagon.

Jock:
But man, we don't know which way they've gone.

Trusty:
We'll track 'em down.

Jock:
A-A-A-And Then?!

Trusty:
We'll hold 'em. Hold 'em at bay!