Last Boy Scout

Joe Hallenbeck:
The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets.

Alley Thug:
Alright, you want it in the chest, or the head?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Yeah, that's what your wife said.

Alley Thug:
Hey man, would you stop with the wife sh*t?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Ask me how fat she is. Ask me.

Alley Thug:
F*** you, man! How fat is she?

Joe Hallenbeck:
She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherf***er, if you wanna f*** her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial shot.

Joe Hallenbeck:
This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.

Jimmy Dix:
I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that f***ed your wife.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Leather pants.

Jimmy Dix:
Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck:
What's something like that run?

Jimmy Dix:
Six-fifty.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Six hundred and fifty dollars?

Jimmy Dix:
Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck:
They're pants.

Jimmy Dix:
Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck:
You wear them?

Jimmy Dix:
YES.

Joe Hallenbeck:
They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?

Jimmy Dix:
Nope.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I am very old.

Milo:
Can we get a formal introduction?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Who gives a f***? You're the bad guy, right?

Milo:
I am the bad guy.

Joe Hallenbeck:
And I'm supposed to be trembling in fear or something like that?

Milo:
Something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I'll tremble later. For now, how about a drink?

Jimmy Dix:
Right now, I'm trying to figure out which one of you looks like my dick.

Jimmy Dix:
Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she?

Joe Hallenbeck:
She's 13, and if you even look at her funny I'm gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I swear to Christ that if I survive this f***ing case I'm gonna dance a jig.

Jimmy:
You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?

Joe Hallenbeck:
And then some.

Joe Hallenbeck:
You don't think the cops can helpyou?

Cory:
Sure, after I'm dead they'll perform the autopsy.

Hallenbeck:
What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Jimmy:
Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

Billy Cole:
Ain't life a b*tch?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you f***.

Jimmy Dix:
Hi, you're nobody.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Milo:
Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.

Mike Mathews:
Look Joe, it just happened.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Sure, sure, it just happened. Could happen to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. "Oops, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, I guess this just isn't my week".

Joe as puppet:
Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?

Joe Hallenbeck:
I don't know. Why?

Joe as puppet:
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

Alley Thug:
Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.

Joe Hallenbeck:
That's what you think. Last night I f***ed your wife.

Alley Thug:
Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?

Joe Hallenbeck:
She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherf***er with a hat.

Alley Thug:
Oh, you're real cool but you've got to take a bullet.

Joe Hallenbeck:
After f***ing your wife I'll take two.

Jimmy Dix:
It ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck:
No, it ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck:
This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.

Jimmy Dix:
Danger's my middle name.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Jimmy Dix:
You ever watch "Soul Train"?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Shut the f*** up.

Detective:
There's a new invention out. It's called the razor.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrist.

Milo:
You think you are so f***ing cool, don't you? You think you are so f***ing cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...

Joe Hallenbeck:
Play some rap music.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Where are you goin'?

Jimmy Dix:
To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.

Joe Hallenbeck:
No, I'll pass.

Jimmy Dix:
She get's evidence to use against 'em, right?

Joe Hallenbeck:
That's right.

Jimmy Dix:
So now we have the evidence.

Joe Hallenbeck:
What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America.

Scrabble Man:
Drop the gun, Hallenbeck.

Scrabble Man:
Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home.

Jimmy Dix:
Yeah, streetlights are on.

Jake:
Shut up f***face.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I'm f***face, he's a**hole.

Scrabble Man:
Jake?

Scrabble Man:
Advise Rodney Dangerfield here of the situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?

Joe Hallenbeck:
You want the envelope, right?

Scrabble Man:
The envelope, very smart. See Jake, here is a man who knows when a situation is untennable.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Good word.

Scrabble Man:
You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here.

Jimmy Dix:
Hey man, just leave him the f*** alone.

Scrabble Man:
Leave him alone? Yeah, sure Jimmy. Whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance.

Jimmy Dix:
Sh*t, we're being beat up by the inventor of scrabble.

Scrabble Man:
He's in a good mood, Jake. Kick 'em again.

Joe Hallenbeck:
All right. You want the envelope the hooker had, right?

Jimmy Dix:
She wasn't a hooker, Joe.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Shut the f*** up.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Hey flash, rescue attempt?

Jimmy Dix:
Blow me.

Milo:
You must be James.

Jimmy Dix:
James?

Joe Hallenbeck:
He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.

Milo:
I trust you're alone.

Jimmy Dix:
No, I got the f***in' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Just you, kid.

Jimmy Dix:
If you go any faster we're gonna travel back through time.

Joe Hallenbeck:
The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a f***?

Jimmy Dix:
Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.

Joe Hallenbeck:
What are you, a fag?

Jimmy Dix:
No, I'm just trying to break the ice.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I like ice. Leave it the f*** alone.

Jimmy Dix:
What, you don't believe in love?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Yeah, I believe in love; I believe in cancer.

Jimmy Dix:
Wow, an actual house. I was expecting a cave with like skulls and sh*t.

Mike Matthews:
What'd you do last night?

Joe Hallenbeck:
I think I f***ed a squirrel to death, and don't remember.

Milo:
Hey motherf***er.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Hey Milo. Where ya callin from, the bottom of the pool?

Jimmy:
It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out.

Jimmy Dix:
Come one, Cory, let's go.

Cory:
Wait, I gotta wait for Hallenbeck.

Jimmy Dix:
Are you in some kind of trouble?

Cory:
It's nothing serious, let's just wait for Hallenbeck.

Jimmy Dix:
Is there some guy bothering you?

Cory:
Seriously, let's just wait for Hallenbeck.

Jimmy Dix:
Hallenbeck's a bum. What's he gonna do, light a match and breathe on the guy?

Jimmy Dix:
Do you want to get kicked off the planet.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Be Prepared, son. That's my motto. Be Prepared.

Jimmy Dix:
I'm saying again for the cheap seats, Lieutenant. I DON'T KNOW WHERE JOE HALLENBECK IS! That's my f***ing statement! Write it down and shove it up your ass.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo:
I could nail you for obstruction.

Jimmy Dix:
You couldn't nail a two dollar whore.

Jimmy Dix:
Hey, ugly! Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee.