Last Night at the Alamo

Claude:
[into a phone] Marcy, if you hadn't kicked me out, I'd be home right now watching TV.

[first lines]

Ichabod William:
I told that goddamn son-of-a-b*tch to have my car ready by five-goddamn-o'clock this afternoon, that a**hole! Now I gotta drive around all f***in' weekend in this goddamned rat-tailed piece of sh*t. It's bad enough I gotta drive this truck all week, now I gotta f***in' drive it around all weekend!

Mary:
William, why do you cus so much? I'll bet if you could go one day without cussin, you'd just roll over and die.

Ichabod William:
Well, goddamn Mary! If you had to drive around all weekend in this rat-tailed piece of sh*t, you'd cus too!

Mary:
Well, I haven't said a single cus word yet, right?

Ichabod William:
That ain't the point. You ain't gotta drive it.

Mary:
But I still gotta ride in it, right?

Mary:
William, calm down. Stop cussin' at those motorists. They can't help it if they're fat. Besides, the way you drink you'd end up with a beer gut before long and then what? You'd cus yourself?

Ichabod William:
Now Mary, a f***in' beer gut ain't the same thing as being fat.

Mary:
Oh, they do. They do.

Ichabod William:
They don't f***in' count! I know a lot of people that got a beer gut and ain't f***in' fat.

Mary:
Like who?

Ichabod William:
Like, Cowboy. And he's a skinny-ass motherf***er!

Mary:
Oh, please! If there's a law against being fat, there ought to be a law against beer guts too.

Ichabod William:
There ain't no one gonna vote for it.

Mary:
Well, I would.

Ichabod William:
Mary, just get off my back. I had a real hard day at work. And I'm driving around this rat-tailed piece of sh*t truck. I take you to a lotta nice places all the time, and all you do is give me a lotta sh*t.

Skipper:
What the hell's the matter with you?

Claude:
Marcy kicked my damn ass out. Pissed me off! She said she didn't give a flying f***wad what I'd do. She said I could sleep in my truck for all she cared. Sh*t! She loves that yappy dog of hers more then she loves me. I tell you one thing, that damn dog of here never had to sleep outside. And I never took a sh*t on the carpet.