Late Night with Seth Meyers

[first lines]

Seth Meyers:
[writing] Thank you, Jimmy Fallon, for taking over The Tonight Show at 11:30, so I could take over Late Night at 12:30. I promise to treat it with respect, and dignity, and to only use it to do completely original comedy pieces... starting now.

Seth Meyers:
Yesterday, Californians trying to sign up for Obamacare by phone were accidentally redirected to a phone sex hotline. And when the hotline asked what their fantasy was, callers responded: "I'd like to keep my current coverage."

Seth Meyers:
Before we get started this evening, I would like to say a few words about the horrible events that happened in Paris this weekend. I, uh, wish I could say words in French about this; my mother was a middle-school French teacher - she was *my* middle-school French teacher. I was such a terrible student that about all I could do right now is list vegetables, colors... and maybe a few days of the week - so, I think, better if I use English to say that I think one of the most jarring things about what happened is Paris is a city that so many people associate with love, and what happened there was so the opposite of that. I love Paris - I've been there many times; I almost proposed to my wife in Paris. Uh, I *should* have - um, it would have made for a far less awkward, intense flight home. Um... I got around to it! Sometimes you take time for these things. Um, so I think that's what, uh, made me so sad about it - was, you know, I, uh, associate so many nice things with Paris. Uh, but it also - thinking about that, you know, I'm - I realize that there are *other* places where things like that happen all the time. Uh, Beirut also had a terrible, uh, bombing by ISIS, uh, last week as well, and I certainly was guilty of not paying the same level of attention, uh, to that atrocity. And, uh, you know, when you think about the place where these terrible things are happening the most right now, uh, it would be Syria - a place where the people who live there, who are trying to live normal lives, are so desperate to leave. And for those refugees whose life is so difficult right now, I think one of the many, uh - and there are so many sad things about what happened in Paris - but, uh, but certainly, one of them is how much harder life is going to be for those refugees because of this. And, um, so I would just bear a - a thought, uh, for *all* of the people who were affected by these tragic events. And, uh, hopefully, uh, hopefully things will be just a little bit better tomorrow - uh, being, uh, "Mardi" - French for "Tuesday"; nailed it. Um... so thank you, everybody, uh, for indulging me, and let's get to the news.