Laughter on the 23rd Floor

Lucas:
My name is Lucas.

Milt:
Not Arnie?

Lucas:
No, Lucas.

Milt:
Too Late. I already learned Arnie.

Val:
God forgive me for saying this word: Nervous breakdown!

Milt:
That's two words. God will never forgive you!

Max:
If I die, bill the funeral to NBC. F*** 'em!

Max:
I have to look good for a heart attack?

Carol:
I'm trying to get pregnant.

Brian:
Ask your husband. Why should we do everything?

Carol:
I took English and Biology in college and now I have no use for either of them.

Val:
If you're a Jew, you end up in the desert no matter what.

Max:
Ma, have you given any thought to moving next to Pop? I think he really misses you. You wouldn't have to talk to him. I think he just wants to lie next to you. It's cold over there. He doesn't have the sun like you. (Listens) Okay.

Harry:
What'd she say?

Max:
She wants to sleep on it.

Kenny:
Pills and scotch don't mix, Max...or Max mix...however you want to say it.

Val:
Max has been very paranoid lately. Has anyone noticed?

Brian:
Isn't it impolite to watch someone being paranoid?

Val:
Go feck yourself.

Milt:
There's no such word as feck. A person cannot go feck themselves. You cannot be an American citizen until you learn to say "Go f*** yourself."

Val:
Kiss my Naturalization papers.

Val:
My dog dreams funnier than you.

Milt:
My dog can say, "F***ing pumpernickel."

Carol:
I'm pregnant.

Kenny:
Mazel-thov!

Carol:
Thank you, Kenny.

Kenny:
No I was suggesting a name.

Max:
All I'm saying is, sometimes you gotta take a stand against the bastards.

Max:
I just didn't want to say goodbye tonight...no goodbyes.

Max:
Is that gonna wash off?

Ira:
Don't you care what might happen to me.

Max:
First let's discuss what happened to my wall. Is that gonna wash off?

Ira:
I don't think so. It's a permanent marker.

Max:
If that doesn't wash off, you will DEFINITELY have a brain tumor.

Carol:
You wrote on the wall with an indelible marker? A mother would drown her own child for doing that!

Max:
I want to hit something else. Something big, expensive.

Milt:
There's a bank across the street, Max.

Carol:
Since when has anyone here noticed I'm a woman?

Val:
I noticed it when you first came to work here. You never used the men's john.

Max:
The lines are too clogged with urbane-ament.

Brian:
In thirty years, these guys'll be writing game shows and I'll be the Preisdent of M-G-M, screwing Lana Turner.

Milt:
When she's sixty-two? Why?

Brian:
The game is funny names.

Ira:
You against me? Where's the challenge? You can have all the other writers.

Carol:
Why do I want children? Look what they become.

Val:
All right. Let's get this over with. What's the bet?

Ira:
Shoes! We're playing for shoes. (They take off their shoes) My seventy dollar aligators against his Irish clogs after 15 St. Patrick's Day parades.

Val:
Aaaaaand...Go!

Brian:
Rabbi John Wayne.

Ira:
The Count of Monte through Friday.

Brian:
Ira Chuvney.

Ira:
Ira Chuvney. That's my name. What's funny about that.

Brian:
Nothing. NOTHING IS FUNNY ABOUT IRA CHUVNEY!

Max:
I don't know who I hate most: McCarthy or Lawrence Welk.

Max:
If he's REALLY observant, he's gonna observe me getting upset! And then he's gonna observe me very quietly, and very politely, putting my fist through his f***ing face!

Brian:
He called me last night. Said something about we're going to war again.

Val:
With the Japanese?

Brian:
I don't know, depends on how Japanese NBC is.

Val:
You think it's funny that Max called me at 12 AM midnight?

Milt:
Only when you say it.