Let's Go to Prison

Barry:
Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.

John Lyshitski:
Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.

John Lyshitski:
We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.

Nelson Biederman IV:
It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.

Nelson Biederman IV:
[Long silence] So now what do we do?

John Lyshitski:
Hmm? [pause] What do you mean?

Nelson Biederman IV:
What do I mean? I mean, what are we... what are we supposed to *do*?

John Lyshitski:
We're doin' it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?

Nelson Biederman IV:
[pause] Yeah.

John Lyshitski:
This is what they were referring to.

Barry:
[flirting] Of all the bathroom stalls, in all the correction facilities in all the world, he walks into mine.

Nelson Biederman IV:
[extremely uncomfortable] Haven't you heard the news Barry?

Barry:
The news? Oh yeah. Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches, home team wins.

[after the jury have watched a tape of Nelson robbing the drug store]

Judge Eva Fwae Wun:
Mr. Hingly?

Duane:
Oh, yeah?

Judge Eva Fwae Wun:
You may proceed with your defense.

Duane:
[whispering to Nelson] Watch this.

[Duane walks up to the jury]

Duane:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen Jurassic Park, and yet you are aware that Jeff Goldblum have never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a T.V. not unlike that one.

[Duane points dramatically at the television]

Duane:
I rest my case!

[Nelson looks confused and shocked]

John Lyshitski:
Bwahahah!

[Some of the prisoners try to grab Nelson in the shower, but John comes to his rescue]

John Lyshitski:
Hey! He is my property, you dick monster! You got that? [Pushes the one standing closest] This little frilly is all mine! You can look, but not touch! This little a**hole only got one name on it! Mine! Romeo! Romeo Lyshitski! No rear entry! [slaps his hand on Nelson's butt and points at Barry] That goes for you!

[Barry walks off]

John Lyshitski:
That big bastard is the head of the Black G Lords.

[Nelson is stiff as a board]

Nelson Biederman IV:
I don't mean to sound ungrateful John... but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?

John Lyshitski:
Nope, probably not. But it happened.

[Doesn't remove his hand before now]

John Lyshitski:
If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated... I'd have fifteen cents.

John Lyshitski:
Same Lyshitski, different day.

Barry:
Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet!

[Nelson shaking with fear]

John Lyshitski:
Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over two million Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.

John Lyshitski:
It costs $54 a day to keep a person in prison, which comes out to $75 million a day nationally. That's $28 billion a year. When you think about it, wouldn't it be cheaper just to let us keep your goddamn car stereos?

Stripper:
Anybody want to buy me a champagne drink? How about a fancy beer? 15 bucks for a lap dance.

John Lyshitski:
Yeah, I'm not that horny. I just got out of prison.

Nelson Biederman IV:
Now we're even. I have done you wrong, and you've stabbed me twice with forks.

Nelson Biederman IV:
What's on the menu today, good sir?

Cafeteria Worker:
That's meat...that ain't meat.

Nelson Biederman IV:
....ain't meat.

Barry:
If you lie to me I cut your genitalia and put it in shoe box.

Nelson Biederman IV:
"dear new pen pal, my name is Nelson Beaterman the fourth, i'm 30 years old, and I've been in prison for three months. In this hell hole I've had my ass kicked so many times, my ass has foot prints in it. But you know what? I think I'm going to make it. At least I know it cant possibly get any worse. Anyway... thanks for listening. I'll have to sign off now, as someone is pissing on me. Your new friend; Nelson."