Lethal Weapon

Martin Riggs:
You want me to drive?

Roger Murtaugh:
No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.

Martin Riggs:
Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.

Martin Riggs:
We both know why I was transferred. Everyone thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm f***ed and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm f***ed and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm f***ed.

Roger Murtaugh:
Guess what?

Martin Riggs:
What?

Roger Murtaugh:
I don't want to work with you!

Martin Riggs:
Hey, don't.

Roger Murtaugh:
Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both are f***ed!

Martin Riggs:
Terrific.

Roger Murtaugh:
God hates me. That's what it is.

Martin Riggs:
Hate him back; it works for me.

Roger Murtaugh:
Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?

Martin Riggs:
Oh, for Chriss-...

Roger Murtaugh:
Shut up! Yes or no - you wanna die?

Martin Riggs:
Oh, I got the job done! What the hell do you want?

Roger Murtaugh:
JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Martin Riggs:
Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!

Roger Murtaugh:
You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!

Martin Riggs:
Well, I want you to come home and watch television with me.

Martin Riggs:
Yeah. "The 3 Stooges" are on in 20 minutes.

Martin Riggs:
This is a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real f***ing gun!

Martin Riggs:
The guy who shot me! The same albino jackrabbit son of a b*tch who did Hunsacker.

Roger Murtaugh:
You sure?

Martin Riggs:
Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an a**hole.

Martin Riggs:
That's very thin.

Roger Murtaugh:
Thin is my middle name.

Martin Riggs:
Considering your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.

Martin Riggs:
I don't make things difficult. That's the way they get, all by themselves.

Martin Riggs:
You're General Peter McAlister, Commander of Shadow Company.

McAlister:
I see we've heard of each other.

Martin Riggs:
Yep. It'll almost be a shame when I nail you.

Martin Riggs:
Look, why don't we just the cut the sh*t here? We both know why I was transferred. People think I'm crazy, in which case, I'm f***ed and nobody wants to work with me. Or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm f***ed and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm f***ed.

Sergeant McCaskey:
You know, Roger, you are way behind the times. The guys of the 80s aren't tough. They are sensitive people. Show a little emotion to a woman and sh*t like that. I think I'm an '80s man...

Roger Murtaugh:
How do you figure?

Sergeant McCaskey:
Last night I cried in bed. So how is that?

Roger Murtaugh:
Were you with a woman?

Sergeant McCaskey:
I was alone. Why do you think I cried?

Roger Murtaugh:
Sounds like an '80s man to me...

Roger Murtaugh:
I'm too old for this sh*t!

Martin Riggs:
Perhaps there's an opening in the L.A. Fire Department?

Roger Murtaugh:
Get that sh*t off my lawn!

Roger Murtaugh:
Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?

Martin Riggs:
Well, I haven't killed you yet.

Martin Riggs:
You don't trust me at all, do you?

Roger Murtaugh:
Well, I'll tell you what. You make it through tomorrow without killing anybody, especially me, or yourself, then I'll start trusting you.

Martin Riggs:
Fair enough.

Martin Riggs:
I do it real good, you know.

Roger Murtaugh:
Do what?

Martin Riggs:
When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos with a rifle shot at a thousand yards in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at... Well, see you tomorrow.

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah. See you then.

Roger Murtaugh:
See how easy that was? Boom, still alive. Now we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. I didn't shoot him full of holes or try to jump off a building with him.

Martin Riggs:
Hey, that's not fair. The building guy lived.

Martin Riggs:
You know they're going to kill her, don't you?

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah.

Martin Riggs:
So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.

Roger Murtaugh:
I know.

Martin Riggs:
You do this my way. You shoot, you shoot to kill, get as many of them as you can. All you got to do is just not miss.

Roger Murtaugh:
I won't miss.

Martin Riggs:
We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.

Roger Murtaugh:
Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?

Martin Riggs:
You're just gonna have to trust me.

Mr. Joshua:
Endo has forgotten more about pain than most people will ever know.

Dixie:
Can I go now?

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah, sure.

Dixie:
You know how it is.

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah, all dressed up and no one to blow.

Dixie:
You're hilarious.

Martin Riggs:
Let's make like the shepherd and get the flock out of here!

Martin Riggs:
What do you say, Jack? You like a shot at the title?

Mr. Joshua:
I don't mind if I do.

Martin Riggs:
Roger.

Roger Murtaugh:
What?

Martin Riggs:
Uh, 10-4.

Martin Riggs:
What did he mean when he said you owed him?

Roger Murtaugh:
We served together in '65. Ia Drang Valley. Saved my life. Took a bayonet in the lungs.

Martin Riggs:
That was nice of him.

Roger Murtaugh:
Pretty thin, huh?

Martin Riggs:
Anorexic.

McAllister:
Ah, Mr. Mendez. How are you?

Mendez:
Hey, I'm fine.

Mendez:
Where the hell did you get him? Psychos 'R Us?

Roger Murtaugh:
General McAlister. Time for you to die.

Roger Murtaugh:
No way you live. No way.

Roger Murtaugh:
Listen, sorry about all that sh*t I was in your face about earlier... you saved my life. Thank you.

Martin Riggs:
Oh, I bet that hurt to say.

Roger Murtaugh:
[chuckles] You'll never know.

[Endo shocks Riggs with a device]

Mr. Joshua:
Hit him again. [Endo does]

[Riggs groans as his body shakes violently]

Mr. Joshua:
Hit him again. [Endo hits him again for longer]

Mr. Joshua:
Come on! Tell me about the shipment!

Martin Riggs:
[yells and spouts gibberish, then spits at Endo, lunges at Joshua] I swear I'm gonna f***ing kill the both of you!

Mr. Joshua:
Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what about the shipment?

Culprit:
[punches Murtaugh in the mouth] The shipment, Mr. Murtaugh.

Roger Murtaugh:
Go spit!

General Peter McAllister:
Kill the son of a b*tch!

Martin Riggs:
Who's f***ing next?! McAllister! Who's next?!"

Martin Riggs:
How about it, Jack? Would you like a shot at the title?

Mr. Joshua:
Don't mind if I do.

Martin Riggs:
[real tough] I want your title.

Mr. Joshua:
[smirks] Okay.

Roger Murtaugh:
Hey, Riggs!

Martin Riggs:
Yo.

Roger Murtaugh:
After all we've been through, if you think I'm gonna eat the world's lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you're crazy.

Martin Riggs:
Well, I have news for you, Rog.

Roger Murtaugh:
What?

Martin Riggs:
I'm not crazy.

Roger Murtaugh:
I know.

Martin Riggs:
Well, good. Let's eat.

Martin Riggs:
Hey, you know what?

Roger Murtaugh:
What?

Martin Riggs:
Well, I think your daughter kinda likes me.

Roger Murtaugh:
If you touch her, I'll kill you.

Martin Riggs:
Ha! You'll try.

McCleary:
F*** you, I'm jumping!

Martin Riggs:
[Grabs him] Do you really wanna jump? Do you wanna? Well then that's fine with me! Come on, let's do it a**hole, let's do it. I wanna do it, I wanna do it!

McCleary:
Wait a minute! What do you mean? What do you mean?

[Both jump off the building and onto the trampoline below.]

Roger Murtaugh:
Oh, sh*t...

Martin Riggs:
[After landing] You wanna go up again? Let's go again!

McCleary:
*Screaming for help*

Martin Riggs:
[holding his wife's wedding photograph, sniffling, after deciding not to kill himself] I miss you... [cries] Victoria Lynn. [sobs, then sighs and sniffles] Hey, that's silly, isn't it? [6 seconds later] I'll see you later. [throws wedding photograph on the floor] I'll see you much later.

Martin Riggs:
Maybe we'll stay alive long enough for me to buy you a present.

Martin Riggs:
[Riggs and Murtaugh go to a bust at a "rich house"] Saw this on Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.

Martin Riggs:
[after rescuing Murtaugh and Rianne] What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock out of here.

Roger Murtaugh:
I was driving before you were an itch in your daddy's pants!

Mr. Joshua:
[stealing a man's car] Mind if I test-drive your Audi?

Mr. Joshua:
[Responding to Scrooge on "A Christmas Carol" on TV] Goddamn Christmas!