Leverage

Nathan Ford:
[voice-over] The rich and powerful, they take what they want. We steal it back for you. Sometimes bad guys make the best good guys. We provide... "leverage".

[repeated Line]

Eliot Spencer:
Dammit Hardison!

[repeated line]

Eliot Spencer:
It's a very distinctive style.

[repeated line]

Alec Hardison:
Age of the geek, baby.

[repeated line]

Eliot Spencer:
[to Parker] There's something wrong with you.

[season 3 and later openings]

Nathan Ford:
[to camera] The rich and powerful take what they want. We steal it back from you.

Titles:
[slides over the whole screen] LEVERAGE

Titles:
[on footage of Eliot] LEV*HITTER*AGE

Titles:
[on footage of Hardison] LEV*HACKER*AGE

Titles:
[on footage of Sophie] LEVERA*GRIFTER*

Titles:
[on footage of Parker] ERAG*THIEF*

Nathan Ford:
[voiceover] Sometimes, bad guys make the best good guys.

Titles:
[on footage of Ford] LEVE*BRAINS*GE

Nathan Ford:
[to camera] We provide... leverage.

Titles:
[on previous line] LEVERAGE

Parker:
This place reminds me of my first grab.

Parker:
Some lady's house in the Philippines.

Parker:
It was like a palace.

Parker:
She had all these shoes.

Alec Hardison:
What the hell's going on down there? Nate killed somebody?

Eliot Spencer:
No, Nate didn't kill somebody. You didn't, did you?

Nathan Ford:
Of course not.

Parker:
You'd tell us, though. Wouldn't you?

Nathan Ford:
[sarcastic] Yes, Parker, I would tell you if I murdered the mark.

Sophie Devereaux:
It's a gala. That's great. The place is gonna be swarming with guests.

Eliot Spencer:
Okay, that's fine for you two, but what about the three of us? How do we get in?

Alec Hardison:
Uh, excuse you. Do you not know my name? It's nothing to get on that list. I've been to the Oscars every year since I was fifteen.

Nathan Ford:
Eliot, I need you to help me find the killer.

Eliot Spencer:
And how do I do that, exactly?

[a few minutes later]

Eliot Spencer:
This is a bad idea. The way I get information out of guys is usually loud and messy.

Nathan Ford:
Tonight you're a grifter. Adapt.

Parker:
It's like Billy from The Family Circus if Billy was a drunken sex fiend.

Eliot Spencer:
Nice job, blowing out the engine block.

Alec Hardison:
I was aiming for his leg.

Eliot Spencer:
Give me the gun, Hardison!

Alec Hardison:
We need to reset the system.

Eliot Spencer:
You want me to kick it?

Alec Hardison:
I am going to die.

Jack Hurley:
[to Nathan Ford] Tell me something, Tom. Lying, cheating, stealing - if you're doing it to help someone, doesn't that make it okay?

Receptionist:
[Alec and Eliot arrived at the clinic and rings the desk bell] Can I help you?

Eliot Spencer:
You sure can. Here to see a patient of yours - Mr. Tom Baker.

Receptionist:
What is your relationship?

Eliot Spencer:
Why?

Receptionist:
Second Act has a strict policy. Only family members can see patients. We want to make sure outside influences don't hamper our client's recoveries.

Eliot Spencer:
I think that is an excellent policy. [Eliot smile flirtingly] I'm Tom's brother. [Eliot extends his left hand to shake reception's hand] Hi! Mark. [Eliot kisses her hand]

Alec Hardison:
[Receptionist looks to Alec] I'm... I'm with him [Alec looks to Eliot]

Receptionist:
So... you're friend of... [pointing to both Alec and Eliot]

Alec Hardison:
[Alec hooking his hand around Eliot's elbow] I'm... I'm WITH him. [Eliot is stunned] See, he thinks the flirting makes me jealous but it doesn't. [Eliot looking mightly uncomfortable] You know, but if he was like Brad Pitt and he was on somebody, oh girl, it would be on - seriously! [Alec rings the desk bell] Bring your ass! [Alec drags Eliot away from the desk] Bring - bring your ass!

[first lines]

Rcokwell:
Any trouble planting the evidence, Mr. Crease?

Woman:
This Rockwell, is he famous or something?

Eliot Spencer:
We're going to make sure of it...

Parker:
[walking away from the mark] I think I'm getting better at this. I didn't even stab him!

Alec Hardison:
Uh... yeah! We are so proud of you - No Stabbing Wednesdays, a new tradition.

Alec Hardison:
You know, I had to re-task two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.

Parker:
Hey! Illegal downloading's wrong. [lights a fire in the van]

Alec Hardison:
[inventing bank robber's demands] Now look, they have a list of demands. First off they want 12 large pizzas, one cheese, one Hawaiian extra pineapple, 2 pepperoni black olives, 2 meat lovers. Seriously, nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One Triple-Shot Half-Caff Moca Latte. Three of the latest copies of Hall & Oates CD. I know right, exciting stuff, I didn't know they were still coming out with a new one either. Um, we're gonna need some steaks people and a grill. Okay they need your overalls, I don't know why. We need some Kibbles 'n Bits. We need a Etch-A-Sketch, someone likes to squiggle. Possibly could we get some stuffed bears... Are we good? Let's go people.

Eliot Spencer:
[to meth dealer] Hey. What smells like crank and screams like a girl? [kicks his leg; dealer screams] Right answer.

Frank:
Help you with anything today, your Honor?

Judge Roy:
Yeah Fred, her phone number?

Frank:
It's Frank. And she's 19 sir.

Judge Roy:
Too bad. She got a younger sister?

Nathan Ford:
[in back of ambulance] This is all very heart warming, but can we save it until after the morphine drip...

[last lines]

Nathan Ford:
So pizza boxes huh?

Alec Hardison:
Yeah, I know, I know, you could have done better.

Nathan Ford:
No, no, I couldn't have...

Alec Hardison:
Woah, what's going on?

Sherrif Hastings:
Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.

Alec Hardison:
Stand-It's standard? Where you getting that bull hockey from, son?

Sherrif Hastings:
Deputy Arnold. He took a seminar in crisis management last year.

Deputy Arnold:
It was an online seminar. We got certificates.

Alec Hardison:
Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates. Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?

Alec Hardison:
[to the deputy who acknowledged to Hall and Oates albums] You stay, we're gonna talk Hall and Oates.

Derrick Clark:
Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.

Sophie Devereaux:
I am a thief.

Derrick Clark:
Okay, I'm not sure what to do with that.

Parker:
Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.

Nathan Ford:
Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed before?

Parker:
There's a first time for everything.

Alec Hardison:
I tell you we are doing some hinky things in Pakistan. Hinky.

Sophie Devereaux:
[to Eliot] Well, what about you? What have you been doing for the past six months?

Eliot Spencer:
I was in Pakistan.

Nathan Ford:
If you have a body in the trunk of your car, you're going to drive under the speed limit, aren't you?

Parker:
You know, when you're sober your metaphors get creepier.

Alec Hardison:
Do you realize, on average, people are caught on security cameras 13 times a day? ATM cameras, traffic cameras. It's crazy man, but we can track 'em. We can. Wha... I lost him in this.

Parker:
[while picking a lock] I think people are like locks. Really complicated and frustrating, but you can't force them. You have to take time and be fiddly.

Alec Hardison:
Fiddly?

Parker:
You learn to be patient and just wait until you hear the... [lock clicks open]

[last lines]

Nathan Ford:
You can't come in here and start hanging stuff on the walls.

Alec Hardison:
Oh yeah yeah, for repairs and renovations, your landlord has full access to your dwelling. It's in the lease.

Nathan Ford:
What are you doing reading my lease?

Alec Hardison:
[big smiles] I bought the building.

Nathan Ford:
You bought the... you're my landlord?

Alec Hardison:
Yeah. [offers pound-it fist]

Eliot Spencer:
[Comes through the wall with a chainsaw]

Nathan Ford:
No no no no no...

Nathan Ford:
[opens his fridge and finds it packed with bottles of Hardison's favorite orange soda] Seriously?

Sophie Devereaux:
[to Eliot about Nathan, who has just agreed to lead them again] He missed us.

Eliot Spencer:
She is dressed that way because she's doing a con.

Nathan Ford:
What, you thought she was dressed like a nun for no reason?

Eliot Spencer:
It's Parker.

Nathan Ford:
OK, fair enough.

Sophie Devereaux:
[she's accidentally knocked Nate out] Oh, bugger!

Nathan Ford:
There's a perfectly good version of this plan where we let you get killed.

Chapman:
You said you don't like guns.

Eliot Spencer:
I don't. [drills him full of holes] Never said I couldn't use 'em.

Nathan Ford:
I just delivered proof of your crimes to the police.

Damian Moreau:
You don't have any proof.

Nathan Ford:
You're right - we're framing you.

Nathan Ford:
Let's go steal the Department of Defence.

Parker:
Isn't that treason?

Nathan Ford:
We'll give it back.

Eliot Spencer:
We're out of our league, Nate. Every one of Moreau's men has innocent blood on their hands. Every one of 'em. Every one of 'em... are worse than me. You think you know what I've done? The worst thing I ever did in my entire life I did for Damien Moreau. And I... I'll never be clean of that.

Parker:
What did you do?

Eliot Spencer:
Don't ask me that, Parker. Because if you ask me, I'll tell you. So please don't ask me.

Alec Hardison:
We got to get on that freight car.

Parker:
I have an idea.

Sophie Devereaux:
Am I gonna hate it?

Parker:
No. But he is.

Alec Hardison:
[he and Parker have found the Ram's Horn] Okay, this thing's bolted to the ground for transportation.

Parker:
Yeah, so much for stealing it.

Alec Hardison:
Parker, that access panel. Can you get that open?

Parker:
You got an idea?

Alec Hardison:
Yeah.

Parker:
Am I gonna hate it?

Alec Hardison:
No, but I am.

Nathan Ford:
The one thing I've learned over the past three years is that, well, the only thing more ruthless than a criminal is a politician trying to save his own ass.

Nathan Ford:
I tell you if Sophie did this full time, the auto industry's troubles would disappear.

Alec Hardison:
So, how is this going down?

Parker:
Okay, they're gonna want us off their turf. We're gonna have to convince them they need us. It's not gonna be easy, and they might shoot you a little.

Eliot Spencer:
Damn it! Parker, where'd you learn to drive?

Parker:
Before I stole cars, I was a getaway driver.

Alec Hardison:
Before? You started stealing cars when you were 12!

Alec Hardison:
So, car thief. How'd that happen?

Parker:
Started when I was about twelve. Met this kid, Kelly, in the foster system. He was about four or five years older. Taught me how to make a slim Jim, how to use a jiggler key, you know.

Alec Hardison:
What happened to Kelly?

Parker:
We boosted a bait car. He saw the cops coming and ran. I never saw it coming.

Alec Hardison:
He left you behind?

Parker:
Never looked back. Spent six months in juvie and never saw Kelly again.

Parker:
You know, I was trying to help you. You weren't supposed to tell them.

Josie:
I didn't know that, and I didn't think they'd try to kill you.

Alec Hardison:
Wait, wait, wait, hold up. You *told* her?

Eliot Spencer:
I should have known. You're a menace, Parker.

Parker:
What? She deserved a chance.

Alec Hardison:
Ooh, Nate's gonna kill you.

Eliot Spencer:
*I'm* gonna kill you!

Parker:
Oh, stop whining!

[Parker makes a sharp turn]

Eliot Spencer:
I got hit by a car!

Parker:
[mimicking him] "I got hit by a car." Get over it!

Eliot Spencer:
I'm gonna kill her, man. I'm gonna kill her.

Alec Hardison:
Hey, hey, hey! Nobody's gonna kill anybody. Seriously, though, Nate's gonna kill you.

Josie:
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you people?

Parker:
We're the good guys!

Alec Hardison:
Next time y'all call me, it better be for something easy, like faking a moon landing.

Eliot Spencer:
[Eliot is fighting a goon next to where Parker is trying to crack a safe, much to her annoyance, and she finally lashes out and kicks the man, knocking him unconscious] Hey! I had it!

Parker:
I'm trying to WORK here!

Jack Hurley:
[Nate just punched out Sister Lupe after taken the gun away from her] Oh! You just cold-cocked a nun!

Jack Hurley:
In Church!

Jack Hurley:
[Hurley paused as Nate looking annoyed] Talk about making amends...

Nathan Ford:
So the local branch of the cartel is going to take the delivery of the drugs and kill Hurley to cover their tracks.

Jack Hurley:
What the Irish want?

Nathan Ford:
Want to steal the delivery and kill you to send a message

Jack Hurley:
That's a lot of killing 'me' in there...

Alec Hardison:
[regarding Nate] You know, he's worse than before he went to prison.

Shelley:
He was in prison?

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, he went to jail. But he escaped.

Shelley:
[to Bonanno] Shouldn't that bug you? Being a cop and all?

Detective Captain Bonanno:
You get used to it.

Connor:
Oh, I'm not just busting into a church to kill two men.

Liam:
What if they're in the church basement? If they're in the church basement, they we can kill 'em.

Connor:
So you're implying that the church is holy but the church basement isn't?

Liam:
They don't say mass in the basement. The church basement is not holy ground.

Connor:
So, what, it goes holy ground, mmmm, the basement, holy ground?

Liam:
The boy scouts meet in the basement, and they're not a religious group.

Connor:
A boy scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent! "Reverent" is right there at the end, because it is, if not a faith-based organization, not entirely secular.

Liam:
So, you're not coming in with me.

Liam:
How do you know the boy scout law?

Connor:
We all had dreams once, Liam.

Sophie Devereaux:
[about Ashley] I'm glad she finally got closure.

Parker:
[holding a beer bottle] Who?

Sophie Devereaux:
Ashley. [Parker crushes her beer bottle] You need to talk to him.

Parker:
Who?

Sophie Devereaux:
*Hardison.* [Parker crushes her beer bottle more]

Sophie Devereaux:
What you're feeling is called jealousy, Parker.

Parker:
[laughs and snorts] I'm not jealous.

Parker:
[about the Ashley/Hardison companionship] It's just that when I see them together, I... don't like it.

Sophie Devereaux:
You need to tell him how you feel.

Parker:
I have to tell you something.

Alec Hardison:
Okay. Do you wanna talk now?

Parker:
Yeah, okay. So the thing is, I think that maybe I might be having feelings. Like weird, weird feelings for... *pretzels.*

Alec Hardison:
[sees the bowl of pretzels between them] Pretzels? Okay. Well, they're right here... when you want them.

Henchman:
[Hardison catches a young woman running from the henchmen] FBI, sir. That young lady is in our custody.

Alec Hardison:
[laughing] Oh, see you made two mistakes bro. First, you flashed that fake-ass FBI badge at me. Second, you spilled his coffee. [cut to Eliot covered in coffee and looking pissed, he runs at the henchmen and kicks the crap out of them]

Alec Hardison:
He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?

Nathan Ford:
How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?

Alec Hardison:
[laughs, then looks serious] Now I'm nervous.

Alec Hardison:
I'm getting some weird feedback. It's like a - like a whumpa-whumpa.

Eliot Spencer:
Wait. What do you mean? What kind of whumpa-whumpa?

Alec Hardison:
I mean, how many kinds are there?

Eliot Spencer:
There's seven of them.

Parker:
Come on. [pulls Hardison to his feet]

Alec Hardison:
I don't - I don't want to get up. I don't - I-I don't - I don't want to get up.

Parker:
No. I know. Remember the other night when you were playing with your pretend friends?

Alec Hardison:
They're real. Look, they're - they're not pretend. They're just not in the same room with me.

Parker:
They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and then you used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and then also there was all this magic?

Alec Hardison:
I-I think so.

Parker:
That was so cool. I mean, how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?

Alec Hardison:
Yeah, you know what? You're right. That was pretty cool.

Parker:
Yeah. [kisses him on the cheek] I'm gonna get our... [mimes drinks, walks away]

Sophie Devereaux:
[on coms] That actually worked?

Alec Hardison:
[smiling] No. But the fact that she thought it would work - that worked.

CIA Interrogator:
Well, haven't you heard? Torture doesn't work.

Eliot Spencer:
Depends on the torture. Depends on the man. When do we start?

CIA Interrogator:
We started as soon as you walked into this room. Where have you been? [leans over the table into Eliot's face] Don't you eyeball me, leech. I don't want you in my room any more than you want to be here. So why don't you do us both a favor and tell me the word? 'Cause if you make me work for this, I'm not gonna send you home with your tail between your legs. I'm gonna cut the damn thing off! [pounds on table] I'm gonna break you into pieces!

Eliot Spencer:
So we start tomorrow, then?

Alec Hardison:
[Talking about his metal detector cell phone] Are you listening to me?

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, you're explaining to me why you're still a virgin.

[last lines]

Sophie Devereaux:
Start telling the truth all day... stop being Sophie Devereaux.

Nathan Ford:
Maybe that's, uh, a good thing?

Sophie Devereaux:
[no] Mm mm.

Nathan Ford:
Could you please er, not make this so difficult?

Sophie Devereaux:
I can't take you seriously with that dead cat

[waving her hand over her head]

Sophie Devereaux:
on your head.

Nathan Ford:
Are we still unclear? I'm a functioning alcoholic, you know? And the trick is not to get hung up on the alcoholic but celebrate the function part of the sentence.

Parker:
[to David statue] Look little buddy, that's your new home!

Alec Hardison:
Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please?

Parker:
I'm done.

Parker:
Which conversation do you want to listen to?

Alec Hardison:
That's what stereo was made for.

Alec Hardison:
Is Maggie a very good art inspector?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, she's the best.

Parker:
No, no, no! We can't let your ex-wife anywhere near our little naked man!

Sophie Devereaux:
You honestly think that we can fool Maggie with a fake?

Nathan Ford:
No. She's, uh, too smart, too experienced. When we worked together, there was nobody better.

Sophie Devereaux:
A simple "no" without the cheerleading would've done.

Parker:
You want me to break into a secure storage facility with whatever I can scrounge up at the buffet table?

Nathan Ford:
Pretty much. Yup.

Parker:
Cool.

[after Parker bypasses a complicated alarm system]

Alec Hardison:
You did not just think about this on the way in from the van.

Parker:
Some people do crosswords.

Sterling's henchman 2:
Shouldn't we call the police?

Jim Sterling:
You're fired.

Jim Sterling:
That's the funny thing about conmen, they don't bluff.

Eliot Spencer:
Hey, Sterling! I've got a dental work with your name on it. What do you say me and you hook up so I can give it to you?

Reinhold Shecter:
...because I knew he was never going to remarry that woman. Jonas was just getting sentimental in his last days, and the havoc that would wreak on the estate, Agent...?

Sophie Devereaux:
Agent Tennant. Are you getting this, Agent Smith?

Jim Sterling:
Yeah.

Nathan Ford:
You're not supposed to root for the criminals.

Sophie Devereaux:
Always root for the home team.

Nathan Ford:
[to Sophie] I deduced your location at a random event within a hundred-mile radius in under twenty minutes... I've had worse mornings.

Sophie Devereaux:
[She's just as shocked as everyone else as the disappearance of the "Ma Mystere" paining] Well, I'll be buggered!

Jim Sterling:
[to Sophie] Still going by "Devereaux"?

Sophie Devereaux:
Still a pompous ass?

Nathan Ford:
You know, sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence.

Jim Sterling:
Not where Annie Kroy a.k.a Felicity Shaw a.k.a Indira McAllister a.k.a Sophie Devereaux is involved.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, wait, hold on, excuse me. [turns to Sophie] Indira McAllister? Seriously?

Sophie Devereaux:
Hmmm? What?

Nathan Ford:
How come I don't know that? I know all of the aliases.

Sophie Devereaux:
Darling, nobody knows all of them... not even me.

[repeated line]

Sophie Devereaux:
*Ex*-art thief!.

Jim Sterling:
If I don't have a suspect in an hour, you're both going down for this.

Nathan Ford:
Well, I don't need an hour... I got a Sophie.

Jim Sterling:
[to Sophie, referring to Nate] I finally understand what he sees in you.

Sophie Devereaux:
I'd forgotten how attractive that is... the relentless tick-tick-tick of you pulling apart someone's well-laid plans.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, including yours?

Sophie Devereaux:
Oh, you've never pulled apart *my* plans.

Sophie Devereaux:
That brain of yours is very very sexy.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, thank you very much. How about the rest of me?

Sophie Devereaux:
It's a little beat up, but... it has its charm.

Woodman Gault:
You're not as smart as you think you are.

Nathan Ford:
I'm smarter than you. I'm smart enough not to kill my partner. [Sophie smashes a vase over Woodman's head]

Sophie Devereaux:
[she and Nate are being chased by Woodman] Just letting you know... if we die, I blame you!

Sophie Devereaux:
[referring to Sterling] I hate that man.

Tara Cole:
Damn.

Alec Hardison:
Damn.

Tara Cole:
He is good.

Alec Hardison:
He should be shot.

Nathan Ford:
Eliot, I stole you a train. Have a little faith.

Alec Hardison:
Oh, we've got a plan - it's called CWA.

Eliot Spencer:
Can of Whup-Ass.

Sophie Devereaux:
I think we should call the police

Nathan Ford:
And tell them what? Two of our friends are impersonating IRS agents at a bank?

Parker:
Who knew a sedan could hit 140?

Sophie Devereaux:
Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again, okay? Never.

Eliot Spencer:
You feelin' confident?

Alec Hardison:
Nooot really.

Eliot Spencer:
Good, 'cause over confidence will kill you faster than a bullet any day. Fear is good.

Alec Hardison:
Oh, I have fear, and doubt, and really serious regrets. I should be fine.

Eliot Spencer:
Alright. You're ready then.

Alec Hardison:
Where you gonna put the van, Chester? An office building? A preschool? A church?

Chester:
A soldier knows there are casualties in every war.

Eliot Spencer:
See, that's the difference between a real soldier and this little Halloween outfit you got going on. You'd kill to protect your rights. A real soldier? He'd die protecting somebody else's.

Nathan Ford:
Listen, next time I steal you a train, get on it.

Alec Hardison:
Look, man, you're not gonna rain on my parade today, Nate. I made a bomb out of a menthol light.

[first lines]

Voice on cellphone:
Wakey wakey...

Alec Hardison:
Where am I?

Voice on cellphone:
See for yourself.

Eduardo:
[about police car] Where the hell did you get that car?

Nathan Ford:
It's a rental.

Parker:
There's a client waiting to meet you.

Nathan Ford:
We're closed. It's the holidays.

Parker:
I really think you should talk to this one. It's Santa.

Colin Mason:
Hello, Sophie.

Sophie Devereaux:
Chaos!

Colin Mason:
Long time, no try to kill you.

Eliot Spencer:
[to gang of Santas] We doing this with beards, or without beards, boys?

Parker:
[to Hardison] I want flurries. Make it happen.

Nathan Ford:
You know that's not really Santa right?

Parker:
Obviously, Santa lives at the North Pole.

Nathan Ford:
Okay, the plan is... to figure out the plan in the car.

Eliot Spencer:
You bought us gifts?

Sophie Devereaux:
Oh, I wouldn't say bought exactly... we a obtained.

Parker:
Non-sequential serial numbers, my favorite. [sniffs money]

Nathan Ford:
[Sophie is following their mark] All right, just make sure he doesn't get on that plane. And listen, if you can spook him into calling an audible, go to town.

Nathan Ford:
Hello, Chaos. I thought we left you rotting in a federal prison.

Colin Mason:
Oh, come on. Those things are made to be broken out of. You of all people know that.

Alec Hardison:
Nate, man, this is like trying to plug a fire hose with a pebble.

Nathan Ford:
Hardison, are you saying you can't do it?

Alec Hardison:
When have I said that, ever?

Alec Hardison:
How do you not think to ask your sources what else is on that trunk line?

Eliot Spencer:
How come you didn't figure out Chaos was after the bank, man? I thought all you dorks thought alike!

Alec Hardison:
I did my job, man!

Eliot Spencer:
You want to see me do mine?

Parker:
Your job is to deliver magic and joy to little boys and girls.

Sophie Devereaux:
Wow. I thought Christmas at Aunt Emily's was humiliating.

Nathan Ford:
We all did our jobs. Everyone except me. Now, Chaos, he manipulated us because we're the best. Now, my job is to see two steps ahead. I... I should have realized that this credit card scam was a setup; I didn't.

Nathan Ford:
You know, money is... money. That's one thing. Cash is a whole other thing. For all the money in the economy, there's only about $500 in cash for every American.

Dr. Laroque:
The world doesn't work this way.

Nathan Ford:
So change the world.

Parker:
[trying to spruce up the office] I bought a plant.

Alec Hardison:
Nice. Team spirit.

Parker:
What does it do?

Alec Hardison:
[after stopping their mark from killing the client] I didn't sign up for any of this. What I did before, nobody got hurt.

Sophie Devereaux:
I stole paintings for a living.

Parker:
I never hurt anybody.

Eliot Spencer:
I actually hurt people, so...

Parker:
You ID'ed the weapon from the gunshot sound?

Eliot Spencer:
It has a very distinctive sound.

Alec Hardison:
You ID'ed a guy off his knife fighting style?

Eliot Spencer:
It's a very distinctive style.

Sophie Devereaux:
[pretending to be a defense contractor] My company's focused on meeting Senators, but, um, I'm thinking Congressmen.

Charles Dufort:
You know the great thing about Congressmen? 50, 100 grand well spent will get one elected. But then, once they're in, the incumbency rate is over 95%! So you can get on an average 18, 20 years use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make!

Alec Hardison:
[listening in on surveillance] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.

Alec Hardison:
[about Eliot breaking a camera with a rock] I'm sorry it was too far away for you to punch. I'm sure that really frustrates you.

[standing atop a skyscraper in repelling harnesses]

Alec Hardison:
I just realized I need to go back to the office.

Parker:
Why?

Alec Hardison:
Because I remembered gravity and the squishiness of my manly parts.

Eliot Spencer:
I can't believe you rented a Ferrari.

Alec Hardison:
"Rented"?

Eliot Spencer:
I had court side seats, man. Tell Hardison if he makes it out alive, I'm going to snap him in half.

Nathan Ford:
Um, Eliot says... hi.

Sophie Devereaux:
Parker took an outside job?

Nathan Ford:
All right, listen...

Sophie Devereaux:
Huh? Without us?

Nathan Ford:
Okay, I'll call Eliot, you call Hardison. Tell him to meet us at Parker's place right now.

Sophie Devereaux:
Is she in trouble?

Nathan Ford:
Way more than trouble.

Sophie Devereaux:
This can't be Parker's place.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, the address on, uh, Central Square? That's a dummy; she's got six of 'em.

Sophie Devereaux:
What? She still doesn't trust us?

Nathan Ford:
Well, yeah, she took an outside job without telling us. I don't think any of us know what goes on in that girl's head.

Nathan Ford:
All right, listen. She left timetables, security codes, schematics. Now, let's look at all this stuff and see where she went and what she's after.

Sophie Devereaux:
God, this is so well-organized. She's got everything laid out just so. This is as clean as one of your plans.

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah. Maybe you're rubbing off on her, Nate.

Nathan Ford:
Well, I doubt I'm rubbing off on her. She would have never tried to beat a...

Alec Hardison:
Steranko?

Nathan Ford:
A Steranko.

Alec Hardison:
On her own? Has she lost her mind?

Sophie Devereaux:
Okay, please, please. Somebody explain to me: what the hell is a Steranko?

Alec Hardison:
Steranko's the toughest security system in the world, in the universe, in the multi... whatever.

Eliot Spencer:
How do you not know this?

Sophie Devereaux:
I am a grifter. If I'm doing my job right, then the mark just...

[pantomimes and clicks her tongue]

Sophie Devereaux:
...turns off the alarm for me.

Parker:
Laser tripwires. In a ventilation shaft? I'm in trouble.

Parker:
What's sexting?

Eliot Spencer:
I'm not having this conversation with you, Parker.

Adam Worth IV:
One in eight office chairs? Made by prisoners. And those jobs aren't going to the Chinese.

Sophie Devereaux:
What kind of world would it be if everyone who committed a silly little crime went to prison? Complete madness!

Sophie Devereaux:
She's blackmailing us?

Nathan Ford:
Ehh... she's... she's... she's sort of... uh... yeah. Yeah.

Parker:
Sucks to be on the wrong side of that, finally.

Alec Hardison:
[pretending to be an attorney doing a cross] Would that happen to be the incident - Flight 732 out of St Louis - where you-you fondled a flight attendant's buttocks? Or would that happen to be the incident on Flight 1433 out of Chicago where you drank 17 tiny margaritas, you took your pants off, you stood up on the drink cart, and you sang - quote - "I'm a sexy monkey?"

Doctor:
I have no recollection of that.

Nathan Ford:
Apparently, uh, there is an evil conspiracy lurking behind the curtain of every routine etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Eliot Spencer:
[roleplaying] I love apples. Apples are my favorite fruit.

Parker:
Good for you, Sparky.

Eliot Spencer:
I-I don't have to sit here and take this crap.

Sophie Devereaux:
Go on. Just do it for me.

Eliot Spencer:
You have an orange, alright? Now convince me that I want the orange, not the apple. Gonna take a bite. You-you... [takes a bite]

Parker:
[evilly] I put a razorblade in that apple!

Eliot Spencer:
[spits it out] Are you serious?

Parker:
Maybe. But do you know what doesn't have a razorblade in it? This orange. Don't you want it?

Parker:
Hey, it's Peggy from the trial. She wants to have coffee next week. Mm, Alice made a friend.

Eliot Spencer:
I'm gonna tell you one more time, *you* made a friend. Not Alice.

Parker:
Oh, cool. Well, think she'll wanna steal a painting with me?

Sophie Devereaux:
Start small, Parker. Try coffee.

Nathan Ford:
[Referring to Avi, a.k.a. Donnie, who just helped scam a mark by playing an Indian guru-like businessman] Good! He's good!

Eliot Spencer:
[to Nate] What'd I tell ya?

[hugs Donnie]

Eliot Spencer:
Thank you for coming in on such short notice, Donnie!

Avi:
[Now speaking with a strong Scottish accent] Ahh! Dinna fash yersel, laddie! What are friends fer?

Eliot Spencer:
Exactly! Beer's on me soon.

Avi:
Oh, you remember that!

[laughs, then leaves]

Nathan Ford:
[about Donnie] He's *very* good!

Eliot Spencer:
What'd I tell you?

Nathan Ford:
Okay, we don't have court today, but we do, uh, have some work to do.

Eliot Spencer:
Am I gonna like this work?

Nathan Ford:
Uh... not the first part.

Alec Hardison:
You know, a week ago you were all strangers. And then the same thing happened to all of you. You got that envelope. You know the one. Comes in the mail, it says "County of Los Angeles" on the top. You open it like this, "Oh, god." You know. A week passes. You watch the witnesses parade through. You listen to the lawyers argue. Suddenly, you're not strangers anymore. Some of you have even made friends. It's not as bad as you thought, right? But then the judge asks you to deliberate. Then you have a moment of doubt. "I'm not a doctor. I'm not a scientist. How can I tell if Ernesto Vargas died from using Faslife? How... how can I be sure?" But that envelope entrusted you with the most important obligation of citizenship, and that is to find the truth. It's so important that we dare not give it to one person, but to twelve strangers. Now, all I ask is that you... you go into that room, and you work together and you find the truth. I have faith that you'll reach a just decision.

Parker:
[to an artifact] Last time I saw you was at the Louvre, well actually you were in the backseat of my car, but before that you were in the Louvre.

Alec Hardison:
[reading the names of Scottish land parcels] I'm not even going to try and pronounce this. It's just a bunch of G's and M's.

Nathan Ford:
Let's go break the law.

Sophie Devereaux:
Mmmmm, just one more time?

Nathan Ford:
Oh, a couple more times.

Nathan Ford:
[to Hardison] We're not keeping the cave.

Nathan Ford:
Remember what I told you? Next time we met I wouldn't be so nice?

Victor Dubenich:
Yeah.

Nathan Ford:
Okay... welcome to the next time.

Nathan Ford:
[to Dubenich] My son would be ashamed of me if I was a murderer...

[he raises and points his gun at Dubenich]

Nathan Ford:
but my father, on the other hand... he'd buy me an ice cream.

Mr. Quinn:
[Hardison and Chaos are being very annoying] Can I hit him?

Eliot Spencer:
Which one?

Mr. Quinn:
Either one.

Eliot Spencer:
[to everyone] You see? It isn't just me.

Sophie Devereaux:
[to Maggie when Nate realizes that Maggie is Sophie's back-up] He looks like a smacked mackerel.

Sophie Devereaux:
[to Nate about Maggie] She's the only honest person I know.

Colin Mason:
Wow - you're super-old! Next are you going to tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face?

Archie Leach:
[whipping his cane up sharply so that the tip rests under Chaos's chin] I have two canes. One contains a taser capable of delivering 10,000 volts. The other can project a six-inch stiletto blade.

Colin Mason:
[nervously] Which one is this?

Archie Leach:
I don't remember - perhaps because I'm "super-old".

Mr. Quinn:
[to Chaos] How many fingers do you need to type? Round down.

Parker:
Let's go steal a sweetheart.

Eliot Spencer:
[shakes his head] No.

Parker:
A window?

Eliot Spencer:
[shakes his head]

Parker:
[with a smile] A spider.

Parker:
I want to do the right thing!

[Tara, the lawyer of Nathan's client, is insisting on being kept in the loop during his con]

Tara:
Either I am in, or Ruth is out.

[Tara gets up and leaves]

Nathan Ford:
[to himself] They're going to hate this.

[cut to Nathan's apartment]

Eliot Spencer:
I hate this.

Tara:
You can't pretend to be a lawyer in a courtroom.

Nathan Ford:
Well, stick around. I'm about to practice medicine, too.

Peter Blanchard:
[as he's led out of the courtroom in handcuffs] What the hell is this? Hey, you don't understand! These people are thieves! I don't even think that one's a lawyer! And if he's Greek, I'm Aristotle!

Nathan Ford:
[Wounded from being shot] My name is Nathan Ford. And I... am a thief.

Nathan Ford:
[to his team] You guys are the most honorable people I have ever met in my life. You've become my family, my only family. I won't forget that.

Parker:
[pretending to be an flight attendant] Place the mask over your mouth and nose and breathe normally. In the event of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But, let's face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely the impact will kill you. Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits because if this plane's on fire you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over 1000 degrees. That's hot, folks!

Eliot Spencer:
When I knock people out, they tend to stay knocked out.

Parker:
[appears out of nowhere] So what are we waiting for?

Eliot Spencer:
How does she do that?

Nathan Ford:
I don't even ask anymore.

Parker:
Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Flight Attendant:
Who are you? Where's Becky?

Parker:
She got promoted. Did you not get the email?

Flight Attendant:
She got promoted? She only started a few months ago.

Parker:
Wow, she must really know how to pick 'em. A few more layovers and she'll be piloting one of these things, eh?

Cheryl:
I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I'm a mage, and we're part of the same guild. But secretly, he's been working with the Alliance to undermine us.

Alec Hardison:
For the Horde!

Cheryl:
For the Horde! You play World of Warcraft?

Alec Hardison:
You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now look, I mean, Burning Crusade was great, but this new one is mind-blowing. You just...

Nathan Ford:
[over comms] Hardison. You bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

Nathan Ford:
Cayman Islands - thieves holiday. Go for the tan, stay for the tax-shelter.

[last lines]

Sophie Devereaux:
I still don't understand how you can mix up Paris and Tuscany.

Nathan Ford:
[Parker's cover identity is a flight attendant] Parker, you're about to get a day job.

Sophie Devereaux:
How did you both know there'd be an extra uniform in the bag?

Nathan Ford:
Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectedly.

Eliot Spencer:
Or if something happens to the one that they're already wearing.

Sophie Devereaux:
How does "everyone" know that?

Nathan Ford:
[simultaneously with Eliot] Worked airport security.

Eliot Spencer:
Slept with a flight attendant.

Nathan Ford:
Publicists are like priests; you gotta tell them all your secrets.

Nathan Ford:
Apostolic Visitation.

Alec Hardison:
Come again?

Nathan Ford:
It's the Vatican.

[Eliot, Hardison and Parker leave quickly]

Sophie Devereaux:
What?

Nathan Ford:
Apostolic Visitation. It's like the Pope's, you know, CSI.

Parker:
That's Saint Nicholas?

Alec Hardison:
Yeah.

Parker:
Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot Spencer:
[irritated] It's not Santa Claus!

[questioning a gang member]

Alec Hardison:
You got a number.

[hands him a paper]

Eliot Spencer:
Can you do something with that?

Alec Hardison:
Seven digits. I can find you on Mars.

Alec Hardison:
How 'bout that? Man, you-you see me?

Eliot Spencer:
He was injured.

Alec Hardison:
Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche.

Nathan Ford:
Hardison, could you just make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?

Parker:
Don't melt Santa.

Alec Hardison, Eliot Spencer:
It's not Santa!

Eliot Spencer:
[about Hardison's shooting] What, are you ten feet from there? How can you miss that? You're standing right here.

Alec Hardison:
Everybody can't be Eliot.

Eliot Spencer:
Unbelievable.

Alec Hardison:
Shut up, shut up.

Parker:
It's like Christmas. See, I told you Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus.

Sophie Devereaux:
No he's not, Parker.

Parker:
Well, who is he, then?

Sophie Devereaux:
Saint Nicholas? He's the patron saint of thieves.

Eliot Spencer:
[Eliot approaches Parker] You give him speed!

Alec Hardison:
[Parker shrugs her shoulders] Hey, he beat up a priest!

Parker:
[to herself, on the way to meet a mark] Don't stab. Don't stab. Don't stab...

Parker:
You know, I'm really starting to like tasing people. Is that a problem?

Alec Hardison:
Meet Mark Vector. His pro highlights: six assists, two goals, three thousand minutes in the penalty box.

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, I've got some tape on this guy. He can fight.

Sophie Devereaux:
You watch hockey fights alone at night in your room?

Eliot Spencer:
[as if it's obvious] Yeah. You never know if you're gonna have to fight a guy on ice.

Victor Dubenich:
You recognize any of these names?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, I've chased all of them one time or ano - Parker? You have Parker?

Victor Dubenich:
Is there somebody better?

Nathan Ford:
No. But Parker is insane.

Victor Dubenich:
Which is why I need you.

Nathan Ford:
[chuckles] No. I'm not a thief.

Victor Dubenich:
Thieves I got. What I need is one honest man to watch them.

Victor Dubenich:
Are you in?

Nathan Ford:
It's not gonna work. These - these people you've hired, they all have the same rep. They work alone. They always work alone. There's no exceptions. And there's no way they're gonna work for you.

Victor Dubenich:
No, they will. They will. For $300,000 each, they will.

Victor Dubenich:
Mr. Ford, how badly do you want to screw the insurance company that let your son die?

Alec Hardison:
[regarding the comm gear] No. No, no, no, *no*. No, *hell* no!

Typed Caption:
Alec Hardison: Internet and Computer Fraud

Alec Hardison:
This equipment is total VH-1, bra. It's "Best of the 80s". I got somethin' nicer.

Alec Hardison:
I've been doing this since high school, brah. I'm Captain Discipline.

Hotel Clerk:
They came straight from the airport and up to their room.

Head of Security:
So, you've never actually saw any of them then.

Hotel Clerk:
But the, the credit card numbers checked out!

Head of Security:
[to security guards at suite door] Break it down!

[doors open on teenage Alec surrounded by women in Princess Leia bikini costumes holding toy lightsabers]

Head of Security:
Does that look like Mick Jagger to you?

Alec Hardison:
[waves hand slowly] This is not the room you're looking for.

Eliot Spencer:
You're not as useless as you look.

Alec Hardison:
I don't even know what you do.

Typed Caption:
Eliot Spencer: Retrieval Specialist.

[flashback to Belgrade, Serbia, 3 years ago]

Eliot Spencer:
I'm here to collect the merchandise.

Parker:
[hangs down from bar overhead] Can I have one?

Alec Hardison:
You can have the whole box.

Eliot Spencer:
What are you gonna do when she finds out you live with your mom?

Alec Hardison:
[chuckles] Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.

Eliot Spencer:
Mm-hmm. You keep tellin' yourself that.

Typed Caption:
Parker: Security Circum

Typed Caption:
[deletes that] Infiltration and Alter

Typed Caption:
[deletes that] Thief.

[Parker's flashback, Kansas City, 19 years ago]

Drunk Dad:
You thought I wouldn't find this? You don't get bunny until you do what I say. So be a good girl... or, I don't know... a better thief.

Eliot Spencer:
[to Alec] You're precisely why I work alone.

[over commlinks]

Nathan Ford:
Guys, listen up. We're going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.

Eliot Spencer:
Hey, relax. We know what we're doin'.

Nathan Ford:
And on the count of five, four...

Alec Hardison:
Aw, he doesn't want to be our pal.

Nathan Ford:
We're on the count! Five, four, three...

[Parker runs by]

Eliot Spencer:
She's gone!

Nathan Ford:
Son of a...

Parker:
[leaps over side of building] Yee-hooo!

Eliot Spencer:
That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!

Parker:
I can't even tell how many guys are in the room, how can you tell who's who?

Nathan Ford:
Haircuts, Parker, count the haircuts.

Parker:
I would have missed that.

Nathan Ford:
What?

Parker:
Nothing!

Alec Hardison:
Ten-digit password. I salute you, sir.

Nathan Ford:
Eliot, what I want you to do is clear the zone and use Hardison as bait.

Alec Hardison:
Bait? Whoa hold up! Hold up! Wait a minute! I know you ain't talkin' about me, I ain't nobody's bait.

Eliot Spencer:
[Having just defeated five guards in the time it takes Hardison's bag to drop to the ground, Eliot turns to Hardison with a smirk] That's what I do.

Alec Hardison:
Got all the designs, got all the backup. I'm leaving this cupboard bare.

Nathan Ford:
Drop the spike.

Eliot Spencer:
Did you give them a virus?

Alec Hardison:
[laughing] Dude, I gave them more than one virus.

Parker:
Problem. Those guards you ganked? They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can't go up.

Eliot Spencer:
Every man for himself, dude.

Alec Hardison:
Go ahead! I'm the one with the merchandise.

Parker:
Yeah, well, I'm the one with an exit!

Nathan Ford:
[into comms] And I'm the one with a plan. Now, I know you children don't play well with others but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now, get to the elevator and head down. We're going to the burn scam.

Alec Hardison:
Goin' to Plan B?

Nathan Ford:
Technically that would be Plan G.

Alec Hardison:
How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah. Hardison dies in Plan M.

Eliot Spencer:
I like Plan M.

Alec Hardison:
Anybody else notice how hard we rocked last night?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah well, one show only. No encores.

Parker:
I already forgot your names.

Alec Hardison:
It was kinda cool being on the same side.

Nathan Ford:
No, we are not on the same side. I am not a thief.

Parker:
You are now. Come on, Nathan, tell the truth. Did you have a little bit of fun playing the black king instead of the white knight? Just this once?

Eliot Spencer:
[Referring to their former employer, Victor Dubenich] He tried to kill us!

Parker:
More importantly, he didn't pay us!

Eliot Spencer:
[dumbfounded] How is that more important?

Parker:
I take that personally.

Eliot Spencer:
There's somethin' wrong with you.

[last lines]

[a client asks what the team can do since the judge said he and his wife couldn't appeal their daughter's wrongful death]

Nathan Ford:
People like that... corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide... leverage.

Dubenich's Secretary:
You are strong for a computer guy!

Eliot Spencer:
Thank you. I like to work out. I'm trying to stay big 'cause I - I love dressing up like a Klingon and going to all the conventions, you know? Q'apla! Sorry.

Dubenich's Secretary:
[startled and amused] That's okay. Q'apla!

Eliot Spencer:
Don't you tease me.

Dubenich's Secretary:
Oh!

Alec Hardison:
Oh, hold up, man, that is not- that is not cool! That is *not* cool! We're gonna have a *strong* talk when you get back!

Eliot Spencer:
What's in it for me?

Nathan Ford:
Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.

Parker:
And what's in it for me?

Nathan Ford:
A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?

Alec Hardison:
I-I was just gonna send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but, hell yeah, man, let's kick him up!

Eliot Spencer:
What's in it for you?

Nathan Ford:
He used my son.

[long pause]

Nathan Ford:
All right, let's go get Sophie.

Eliot Spencer:
[they walk out, except Eliot who hangs back] What the hell's a "Sophie"?

Alec Hardison:
[about Sophie's acting] She's very awful.

Parker:
Is she injured... in the head?

Eliot Spencer:
Seriously, man, this is the worst actress I've ever seen.

Nathan Ford:
This is not her stage.

Alec Hardison:
Shouldn't *I* be playing the computer guy?

Nathan Ford:
No, I want you to actually *be* the computer guy.

[flashback, Paris, 7 years ago, Sophie is carefully cutting a painting from its frame]

Nathan Ford:
[kicks in the door] Freeze!

[Sophie shoots Nate in the shoulder; Nate shoots Sophie in the back or backside]

Sophie Devereaux:
You wanker!

Nathan Ford:
*This* is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen... when she's breaking the law.

Sophie Devereaux:
I'm a citizen now... honest.

Nathan Ford:
I'm not.

Sophie Devereaux:
[she looks past Nathan to the rest of the team, then back to him] You're playing my side?

[Nathan nods]

Sophie Devereaux:
I always thought you had it in you.

Nathan Ford:
Um, are you in?

Sophie Devereaux:
[nods] I wouldn't miss this.

Sophie Devereaux:
[Nathan has just inserted her earbud] Now you really are inside my head.

Nathan Ford:
All right! Let's go break the law just one more time.

[first lines]

Bartender:
I checked. Airport's shuttle's in 15 minutes.

[Bartender gives man at bar a drink. Man adds a mini-bottle of additional alcohol to the drink]

Typed Caption:
Nathan Ford: Ex-Insurance Investigator

Victor Dubenich:
I-I'm sorry. Uh, Mr. Ford, sorry, I know who you are. I've, uh - excuse me. I read all about you. I know, for example, that- that when you found that stolen Monet painting in Florence you probably saved your insurance company, what, twenty, twenty-five million dollars? But I just, uh, know that when you needed them... What happened to your family is the kind of thing...

Nathan Ford:
You know this part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck 9 or 10 times? We're coming up on that pretty quick.

Victor Dubenich:
I just want to offer you a job.

Nathan Ford:
What do you got?

Victor Dubenich:
Do you know anything about airplane design?

Nathan Ford:
I could give it a shot. You know, you could give me a pencil and one of those little rulers...

Victor Dubenich:
Somebody stole my airplane designs!

Nathan Ford:
Oh, I see, and you'd like me to find them, right?

Victor Dubenich:
No. I know where they are.

[Dubenich leans in]

Victor Dubenich:
I want you to steal them back.

Eliot Spencer:
No. No. I vote no.

Nathan Ford:
Ah, Parker's right: Dubenich knows us, and we need a fresh face.

Nathan Ford:
[turns focus to Sophie leaving the stage door; applauds] I thought you were great.

Sophie Devereaux:
My only fan.

Typed Caption:
Sophie Devereaux: Grifter.

[ringing]

Parker:
[Southern accent] Hello. I.T.

Dubenich's Secretary:
Yeah, this is Victor Dubenich's office. My computer just completely crashed.

Parker:
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear about that. Have you tried turning it on and off again?

Alec Hardison:
[to Nate, proudly] That's a computer thing. I, uh, I told her to say that.

Nathan Ford:
Well done.

Nathan Ford:
I'm thinking... Nigerians. [pause] Yes, I think Nigerians will do nicely.

Parker:
[from around the corner] Sophie!

Sophie Devereaux:
What's going on?

Parker:
[tosses a rappelling harness to Sophie] Put this on!

Sophie Devereaux:
What's it for?

Parker:
Speed.

Parker:
What is it with women and shoes?

Sophie Devereaux:
There's something wrong with you.

Eliot Spencer:
That's what I said.

Eliot Spencer:
Nobody throws Hardison off a roof... except maybe me... no.

Parker:
Did you just give that guy a nosebleed with the power of your mind?

Eliot Spencer:
Listen to me, son, you need those fingers to type on your little keyboard, don't ya?

Alec Hardison:
See, you know, a bully's just a cowboy with low self esteem.

Parker:
And by the way, nurses haven't worn skirts with white stockings since the 70's. Sorry.

Alec Hardison:
Let's go over the code.

Eliot Spencer:
What code? We're a couple of cops.

Alec Hardison:
Unarmed cops. We may need to communicate in code. So look, I'll casually mention Star Trek...

Eliot Spencer:
Great, 'cause that comes up a lot.

Alec Hardison:
It does!

Eliot Spencer:
I don't have a T.V.

Alec Hardison:
Everybody has a T.V. Dead people have T.V.s!

Nathan Ford:
[Socratically] What are you more afraid of than prison?

Sophie Devereaux:
Death?

Nathan Ford:
And what are you more afraid of than death?

Team:
[raised eyebrows]

Alec Hardison:
[quarreling with Eliot over a shirt] I can't wear a size sixteen neck, okay, I got to breathe!

Eliot Spencer:
I gotta wear my scrubs underneath the uniform, I need a bigger neck.

Alec Hardison:
You gonna give me that shirt.

Eliot Spencer:
[threateningly] Listen to me, son, you need those fingers to type on your little keyboard, don't ya?

Alec Hardison:
[slowly releasing the shirt] See, you know... a bully's just a cowboy with low self-esteem.

Eliot Spencer:
Oh, is that right?

Alec Hardison:
I said what?

Eliot Spencer:
Well, my insecure ass is gonna be wearing this shirt.

Nathan Ford:
Just keep your eyes on the marshalls', alright?, we have two hours, starting [sets watch] now, go!

Alec Hardison:
You gon' give me that shirt! [trying to pull shirt out of Eliots hands]

Eliot Spencer:
[steps in closer] Listen to me son,you need those fingers to type on your little keyboard,don't ya? [yanks the shirt out of Hardisons hands as hardison lets go, and starts to walk away]

Alec Hardison:
You see a bully's just a cowboy, with low self estem!

Eliot Spencer:
[turns around and walk back] What was that man? [smirks]

Alec Hardison:
[backs up] I said..."what"?

Eliot Spencer:
My insecure ass gon' be wearin' this shirt, [exits]

Alec Hardison:
[pretends to throw something at Eliot]

Parker:
Is it just me, or has Nate gotten a little sadistic since he quit drinking?

Sophie Devereaux:
Is it just me, or does that make him even more attractive?

Sophie Devereaux:
So the salt was Plan B?

Nathan Ford:
Plan M actually.

Alec Hardison:
Don't I die in plan M?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, usually. Yeah.

Alec Hardison:
What you mean, "usually"? How many plans do I die in?

Nathan Ford:
C, F, and M through Q.

Alec Hardison:
Now, to power a nuke, you need a few thousand gas centrifuges. Each spins uranium fast enough to separate weapons-grade molecules from the less-potent stuff. But if the drum gets off-kilter, it wobbles.

Nathan Ford:
Like a washing machine.

Alec Hardison:
Yeah, except when your washing machine wobbles, it goes "thump, thump." This thing wobbles, it explodes.

Nathan Ford:
That little weight is what separates a trigger-happy terrorist from a nuke.

Alec Hardison:
Yeah, and because of its precise atomic mass, there's only one. This thing is like the nuclear equivalent of the One Ring.

Sophie Devereaux:
Ring? What ring?

Nathan Ford:
Oh, please. Don't get him started.

Sophie Devereaux:
You're gonna have to beat all these champions to make sure that you and Olivia play in the finals.

Nathan Ford:
Mmhmm.

Alec Hardison:
Yeah, now, these are the grandmasters, Nate. Okay, you're good but not that good.

Nathan Ford:
Ah, I beat you every time, Hardison.

Alec Hardison:
Maybe if you let me use the Vulcan rules like I'm accustomed to... I mean, you're stingy with it, Nate. You're real stingy.

Nathan Ford:
Eliot, try not to kill Sterling. We may need him.

Eliot Spencer:
I can't promise that!

Jim Sterling:
Let me get this straight, 'cause I'm having a hard time believing this. You're telling me you think he acted alone.

Eliot Spencer:
That's not what I said, is it? I said I don't think that there was only one bullet. Where did you get this coffee, man? It's horrible!

Jim Sterling:
Coffee's fine. If there was a second bullet, that means there was a second shooter. Otherwise, he fired a Carcano bolt-action twice in less than two seconds, which simply cannot be done. You do realize that, on a topic where nobody agrees on anything, you picked the one thing, the only thing which is not up for debate! Simply humanly impossible!

Eliot Spencer:
I did it. [smirks]

Jim Sterling:
Bollocks.

Parker:
Take your time. I'm just standing on a giant alarm sensor with no exit, no plan, and a hundred pounds of iron strapped to my feet.

Sophie Devereaux:
And, when I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever.

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, but I know she's lying.

Alec Hardison:
She's a grifter, it's her job.

Parker:
Wait I'm confused, now she's lying about lying?

Sophie Devereaux:
I did steal the dagger. I just didn't get to keep it.

Sophie Devereaux:
It was on route, that's like stealing my mail.

Parker:
Well is stealing mail a crime?

Nathan Ford:
You know guys, sometimes it's easy to forget why it was you stopped working alone and became a team.

Nathan Ford:
If we don't find Moreau, I might go back to prison forever.

Sophie Devereaux:
Oh, shush. You did fine in prison the first time.

Eliot Spencer:
You got into shape.

Parker:
Yeah, you look good in a jump suit.

Alec Hardison:
You learned how to hypnotize people.

Alec Hardison:
[to Eliot] Hey that's real cute man, how you still believe in privacy.

Reunion Classmate:
[to Nathan disguised as a dweeb] X-Y-Z bro.

Larry Duberman:
So you clean pools now? I have 8 of them.

Nathan Ford:
Oh hey, I have a card here somewhere...

Parker:
[considering the idea of reindeer games] How would they even keep score?

Tara Cole:
And for what it's worth, Sofie was right. You guys are the best I've ever seen.

Nathan Ford:
I know.

Tara Cole:
[to herself after Nate walks away] But, no one in the world is as great as you think you are.

Eliot Spencer:
[When helping Parker pick out an outfit] Well the A-line drape with the empire waist is nice but,the necklines... [Parker is starring] a little weak... if ya ask me... what?... I've dated a looot of models, a lot of private fashion shows-if ya know what I mean,

Parker:
[exasperated] yes,yes,

Eliot Spencer:
But most of the dresses ended up on the ground... [Eliot smirks]

Parker:
Yup. I get it. you're a guy.

Eliot Spencer:
...it means they were naked!

Parker:
Okay Seriously! [storms off]

Eliot Spencer:
...I'm just... sayin'... [to a passing model] hey how ya doin'? [walks after model]

Eliot Spencer:
[while helping Parker pick clothes for the fashion show]... No... no... no!

Parker:
Okay, how about this?

Eliot Spencer:
It's A shirt Parker!

Parker:
I know! but at least you can move in it!, these clothes are totally impractical,okay there's no range of motion,limited concealment options-and THIS reflective material would set off a motion sensor a mile away,

Eliot Spencer:
It's a FASHION SHOW! it's not "Thieves R US"!

General Flores:
It is I who am indebted to you. Eliot Spencer saved my life. Twice.

Eliot Spencer:
Once... and a half.

Parker:
How do you half save someone's life?

Eliot Spencer:
'Cause I was the one that was sent to kill him, so I figure that only counts as half, right?

Alec Hardison:
That actually makes sense.

Sophie Devereaux:
[seeing video] Eew, what is that?

Alec Hardison:
There's no secrets on the Internet. When will people learn this?

Damien Moreau:
You're not the first president I've bought. You're not even the most expensive.

Damien Moreau:
Behind every great fortune, there's a great crime.

Sophie Devereaux:
Nate, if stealing a country were easy, everyone would do it.

Michael Vittori:
I think I hate you.

Nathan Ford:
I'm okay with that.

Damien Moreau:
I have the guns, I have the money, I have... the government!

Nathan Ford:
You know what I have? I have twenty-four year old genius with a smart phone and a problem with authority. You never really stood a chance.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, how about a friendly drink?

Sophie Devereaux:
You're a bad influence!

Sophie Devereaux:
Nate, I have to say of all the deceitful unprincipled corrupt things I've done in my entire life nothing is as bad as...

Nathan Ford:
Politics.

Sophie Devereaux:
I can't even say it.

Nathan Ford:
Don't think of it as a lie, think of your engagement to Rebecca as a campaign promise. You tell people you're going to marry her. When you become President, you don't.

Michael Vittori:
How is a campaign promise different than a lie?"

Nathan Ford:
[laughs] It's complicated.

Nathan Ford:
Let's go steal a country.

Nathan Ford:
You know, for all the, uh, blood and corruption that you deal in, well, I've seen your like a hundred times. You think because of all your money that the entire world has to play by your rules. You're just another bastard in a suit.

Damien Moreau:
[laughs] So? Then what are you?

Nathan Ford:
I'm a thief. Thieves don't win elections. We steal them.

Sophie Devereaux:
Don't cry for me, San Lorenzo.

Nathan Ford:
You are utterly unclear on how to be dead. This is the second time in two years that you've shown up at your own funeral.

Eliot Spencer:
[seeing Hardison's luggage] What is all that?

Alec Hardison:
Knickknacks. We just stole a country. I want a souvenir.

Alec Hardison:
Age of the geek, baby!

The Italian:
Mr. Ford, in the service of good, sometimes we have to deal with bad people and do bad things.

Nathan Ford:
Really? 'Cause I work with a bunch of bad guys who are more honorable than you will ever be. If we're gonna have this arrangement, never play me again.

Alec Hardison:
[the team has agreed to split up] Where you going?

Parker:
Let's see how hard you look.

Parker:
Who ripped out the toilets?

Alec Hardison:
This was an IRS foreclosure. I got it cheap.

Eliot Spencer:
IRS doesn't take toilets.

Alec Hardison:
They do when they're solid gold. Heard this used to be MC Hammer's place. I guess you can touch this, with a SWAT team and a federal warrant.

Alec Hardison:
Sterling, he knows our game, man. Okay? It's gonna be twice as hard to steal those statues.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, no, no. It'll be four times as hard. They know we're coming.

Maggie Collins:
You actually expect this to work?

Alec Hardison:
Um, no, no. You're supposed to say, "Wow. That's just crazy enough to work."

Sophie Devereaux:
Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre machinations.

Parker:
That's his superpower.

Maggie Collins:
This is confidential. You're not reading my emails, are you?

Alec Hardison:
Nah, nah. [under his breath to Nathan] Yes.

Maggie Collins:
You can't just make somebody do what you want them to do.

Eliot Spencer:
Whoa!

[everyone starts chuckling]

Alec Hardison:
T-That's what we do. I mean...

Parker:
[pets Maggie's head] You're adorable.

Maggie Collins:
So nobody else finds it annoying when you nag them in the middle of these things?

Sophie Devereaux:
Why don't I run this one, Nate?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, I don't nag. You know, I just have a, you know, clear big-picture view point. And...

Alec Hardison:
Actually, you know what, we kinda like the way Sophie ran the last one.

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, yeah. Right up to the point where she got us caught. But other than that, it was great.

Alec Hardison:
Oh, and also, the three guys that actually discovered the tomb. Eliot, what does that say?

Eliot Spencer:
It says, "Dead."

Alec Hardison:
D-E-D, dead baby.

Eliot Spencer, Nathan Ford:
D-E-A-D.

Alec Hardison:
I- I know how to- I was throwin' a little style on it. Just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell dead. Damn it, I can steal a bank, I can spell dead.

Eliot Spencer:
I was just getting used to it.

Sophie Devereaux:
What? Having an office?

Eliot Spencer:
Being part of a team.

Parker:
What's going on?

Eliot Spencer:
Sophie here was just trying to apologize.

Sophie Devereaux:
No I wasn't!

Parker:
Oh, she tried that with me earlier. She kinda sucks at it.

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, little bit.

Alec Hardison:
Oh, did she give you the speech about how we're thieves, and about how this is what thieves do, and if we were in her shoes we'd have done the same thing?

Eliot Spencer:
No, I think she was just getting to that part.

Jim Sterling:
You know your entire plan depended on me being a self-serving utter bastard.

Nathan Ford:
Mm, yeah, that's a stretch.

Sophie Devereaux:
Wow!

Alec Hardison:
Hey, don't break nothing.

Eliot Spencer:
There's nothing to break.

Parker:
Who ripped out the toilets?

Alec Hardison:
This was an IRS foreclosure.

Eliot Spencer:
IRS doesn't take toilets.

Alec Hardison:
They do when they're solid gold. Heard this used to be MC Hammer's place. I guess you can touch this,with a SWAT team and a Federal warrant.

[after punching Ian Blackpool]

Maggie Collins:
Screw therapy. That felt really good.

Eliot Spencer:
[Eliot and Maggie are having coffee] You come here a lot?

Maggie Collins:
No, I just want to see you. [Eliot appears to be in a slight shock]

Sophie Devereaux:
[Sitting in the van, Nathan, Parker, Sophie and Alec monitoring the conversation] Thats's a date!

Parker:
Do we really need to put a button cam on Eliot?

Nathan Ford:
Safety issue. [Alec and Parker nod sarcastically]

Maggie Collins:
[Panning back to the Eliot and Maggie] We're not going to talk about art all afternoon, are we?

Eliot Spencer:
No. [Eliot sounds a little uncomfortable]

Maggie Collins:
Good. That's all my ex-husband wants to talk about. That was so tedious. [Eliot looking uncomfortable and Nathan shrug defensively in the van]

Maggie Collins:
Listen, I want to thank you. [Maggie puts her hand on top of Eliot's hand] I haven't dated a lot since my marriage broke up.

Eliot Spencer:
[Eliot answers uncomfortably] Sorry to hear that.

Maggie Collins:
No Don't be. He was obsessive, perfectionist, controlling...

Nathan Ford:
[Back in the van, Nathan became defensive] Organized, she used to say that I was organized. Punctual!

Alec Hardison:
[Parker, Sophie, and Alec nod sarcastically] uh huh.

Eliot Spencer:
Must have some good qualities.

Maggie Collins:
No, not even in bed

Parker:
[Alec's eyes light up] oooooo! [Parker, Sophie and Alec all turn towards Nathan]

Maggie Collins:
Every night was prom night. You know what I mean. [pausing with a smile] The worst of all, [Eliot appears extremely uncomfortable] He completely forgot that I gave him that button cam for Christmas three years ago. [Maggie smiles knowingly]

Nathan Ford:
[the van door opens. Nathan, Parker, Sophie and Alec in shock when they see Maggie] I can explain... [Parker, Sophie and Alec shrug their shoulders]

Nathan Ford:
When Sam was in stage four, I found a treatment that would've helped him. And I went to Ian to pay for it, and he wouldn't.

Maggie Collins:
He wouldn't?

Nathan Ford:
He wouldn't. I told him we had mortgaged the house, sold the car, that we were broke, and he still wouldn't pay the claim.Twenty years at that company, and they wouldn't help save our son.

Maggie Collins:
Why didn't you tell me this? I work with these people, Nate. I am friendly with them. You just let me walk around like an idiot. He's my son, too.

Nathan Ford:
I know. I know.

Maggie Collins:
Why have you just been carrying this around all this time?

Nathan Ford:
I didn't want you to hate me, Maggie.

Maggie Collins:
Why would I hate you?

Nathan Ford:
I do. If I had ever seen you look at me the way I looked at myself in the mirror, I would've blown my damn brains out.

Nathan Ford:
[He's just taken Blackpoole's gun away from him] I have lost my only son. Do you really think you scare me?

Sophie Devereaux:
Are you drunk?

Nathan Ford:
Technically, no. I was drunk a couple of hours ago. Now, I'm just hung over.

Parker:
A man with one watch knows the time. A man with two is never sure.

Sophie Devereaux:
Wha?

Parker:
I had fortune cookies for breakfast.

Alec Hardison:
So what, you had leftover Chinese for dinner?

Parker:
No, just the cookies.

Alec Hardison:
Do you put milk on the fortune cookies? 'Cause I don't...

Parker:
It's not cereal, it's a fortune cookie.

Sophie Devereaux:
So, uh, you can, uh, write that little check now, hey?

Alec Hardison:
[listening over coms] Hey, why can't they all be this easy?

Randy Retzing:
Of course not. We have to go to Miami. My dad's the one who has to write the check.

Alec Hardison:
Ah, hell, why they all gotta be this hard?

Nathan Ford:
We're going with a much bigger scam. One of the classics.

Parker:
The London Spank?

Alec Hardison:
The Genevan Possidobl??

Eliot Spencer:
The Apple Pie. [everyone stares] It's like The Cherry Pie, but with lifeguards.

Alec Hardison:
[just lost Rock-Paper-Scissors to Eliot] How you do that?

Eliot Spencer:
You got a tell.

Alec Hardison:
I have a tell?

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah.

Alec Hardison:
In Rock-Paper-Scissors?

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, go.

Nathan Ford:
We're going with a much bigger scam. One of the classics...

Parker:
The "London Spank"?

Alec Hardison:
The "Geneva Pasa-Doble"...

Eliot Spencer:
The "Apple Pie".

[stares from the group]

Eliot Spencer:
It's like the "Cherry Pie", but with lifeguards.

Sophie Devereaux:
[savoring the thought] Whew...

Nathan Ford:
[announcing the official answer] "Glengarry Glen Death". It's like a mutual fund, but instead of stocks you invest in, in death.

Sophie Devereaux:
Death scenes can be demanding. I remember this time I was playing Camille in Summerstock, and whew, I was drained after every performance.

Parker:
Don't I just make believe I'm dying?

Sophie Devereaux:
Okay, you need to own the space... and um, and access your sense memory. Here try this, can you think of a really sad thing that's happened in your life like, I don't know, like when your father died?

Parker:
[cracks-up]

Sophie Devereaux:
Yeah. This isn't going to be easy...

Alec Hardison:
[loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors] How'd you do that?

Eliot Spencer:
You've got a "tell".

Alec Hardison:
I have a "tell"...

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah.

Alec Hardison:
At Rock, Paper, Scissors...

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah.

[last lines]

Nathan Ford:
Are you threatening to bail on me Sophie?

Sophie Devereaux:
Give me a reason to stay...

Parker:
[about kids in foster care] They're gonna turn out like me.

Alec Hardison:
I like how you turned out.

Sophie Devereaux:
The thing is, y-you have to establish, you know, the main character's dramatic need...

Nathan Ford:
Right.

Sophie Devereaux:
Otherwise there's no emotional payoff in the resolution.

Nathan Ford:
Wait. This-this is a movie about NATO troops being attacked by werewolves. No, there is no emotional payoff!

Nathan Ford:
What happened to you?

Eliot Spencer:
[sporting a split lip and a large shiner on his cheek] Well, how was I supposed to know it was a lesbian bar?

Anatoly:
Where are you from?

Parker:
[balking] Where am I from? Oh, where am I *from*. Uh...

Nathan Ford:
[in her ear piece] Pittsburgh, Detroit, Atlanta...

Parker:
[repeats] Pittsburgh, Detroit, Atlanta...

Nathan Ford:
[in her ear piece] Oh, no, no. I meant to pick *one*.

Parker:
[last lines - to Alec] We're a little more than a team.

Parker:
Hey Nate, I have to tell you something...

Nathan Ford:
Okay, what is it?

Parker:
We have to stop at a H?agen-Dazs...

Kids:
[cheering] H?agen-Dazs!

Sophie Devereaux:
So, how did you know Irina would go for the movie thing?

Nathan Ford:
A European grifter who wants to be an actress? Lucky guess.

Parker:
I am still unclear on where this "fiddle" is.

Nathan Ford:
It just walked through the door.

Parker:
I don't think I am being strange enough.

Nathan Ford:
I doubt that.

Eliot Spencer:
Say pitchy one more time. Say pitchy one more time and see what happens. I don't even think that word means what you think it means.

Alec Hardison:
It means pitchy.

Eliot Spencer:
Define it.

Alec Hardison:
You define it.

Eliot Spencer:
I don't have to define it, I'm not saying it every five seconds!

Kaye Lynn Gold:
The devil may have gone down to Georgia, Mr. Ford, but he lives in Memphis.

Kaye Lynn Gold:
How do you feel when you play?

Eliot Spencer:
I'm... I think... I think I got it.

Kaye Lynn Gold:
See, that... that's your problem. You're thinking about *how* to play to the song. And I'm asking you how do you feel *when* you play? You ever been in love?

Eliot Spencer:
Once.

Kaye Lynn Gold:
How'd it end?

Eliot Spencer:
I made her a promise that if she ever needed me that I'd be there for her.

Kaye Lynn Gold:
What's wrong with that?

Eliot Spencer:
Because I made the same promise to the United States government. And I found out you can't make that promise to more than one person.

Kaye Lynn Gold:
That feeling, right there? Hold onto that, and you'll do just fine.

Alec Hardison:
Hey, yo, Eliot, you got an ETA?

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah. I'm almost there. But I think somebody's following me.

Alec Hardison:
Do some Eliot Fu on 'em. What happened to "This is what I do"?

Eliot Spencer:
[it is revealed a group of women are chasing him like teenagers chasing the Beatles] Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work this time.

Room Service:
Room service, can I help you?

Sophie Devereaux:
Yeah no, I can't eat this. Everything on my plate is yellow!

Room Service:
It's Chicken Fried Steak.

Sophie Devereaux:
It's what? Chicken Fried Steak?

Room Service:
Yes.

Sophie Devereaux:
No, let me tell you, meat should never be used as an adjective.

Alec Hardison:
[frustrated] Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-3 NSA security clearance. But I can't hack a hick.

Eliot Spencer:
[on the mat getting pummeled]

Sophie Devereaux:
You drugged him, didn't you?

Jed Rucker:
What makes you think I would trust a bunch of lying grifters to keep their word?

Sophie Devereaux:
Get the doctor, Parker. Now!

Jed Rucker:
No need, it will be over in a couple of minutes.

Sophie Devereaux:
Oh my, you don't get it do you. Eliot's not like other fighters. He doesn't play games. He fights to survive, that's his training. It takes all his control *not* to kill somebody. You've just made him more dangerous. You've take the safety off the gun!

[last lines]

Sophie Devereaux:
Pork rind?

Parker:
Err...

Sophie Devereaux:
They're actually pretty good. [munching] You sure?

Sophie Devereaux:
I'm going to be Nate on this one. You know, only nicer.

Sophie Devereaux:
[dramatically] Pack your bags everyone, we're going to make news.

Nathan Ford:
She's walking into the closet...

Parker:
We totally went to the moon.

Eliot Spencer:
Movie sets. I've seen 'em, they're outside of Albuquerque.

Parker:
Why would there still be sets there?

Eliot Spencer:
Because, they're going to reuse them for the Mars mission. Re-paint it all red.

Alec Hardison:
[caught breaking into military installation] I don't know that white woman. I met her at a bar, she said we was going back to her place. I thought it was a gated community.

Eliot Spencer:
You see, it's not that much fun when your hangin' out there in the wind, and there's a dude behind a computer crankin' jokes, is there.

Parker:
I like it when we switch jobs. It's exciting.

[last lines]

Nathan Ford:
Now here is where you say something nice about me...

Sophie Devereaux:
Don't ruin the moment.

Sophie Devereaux:
She has to have corroboration from her own sources. She has to craft the narrative. Monica Hunter has to be the author of here own personal nightmare

Nathan Ford:
Do I sound that creepy when I...?

Eliot Spencer:
Hell Yes!

Alec Hardison:
Get me outta here!

Sophie Devereaux:
Yeah, uh, I'm working on it.

Parker:
I'm on it.

Sophie Devereaux:
No, no, no, no, no! You cannot go. You're dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.

Parker:
Right.

Alec Hardison:
Damn the con. I am a black man caught on an army base with a video camera. I am going to jail forever!

Nathan Ford:
Okay. This is how we're going to take down the mayor.

Alec Hardison:
Baseball?

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, we're going to steal this ballpark.

[Nate starts to walk away, then comes back]

Nathan Ford:
And then the team. Not necessarily in that order.

[Jimmy Ford shows Nathan a map outlining their plan. Dissolve to Leverage HQ where the same data is rendered on Hardison's screens]

Nathan Ford:
[pointing out locations] First Boston Independent, State Street branch of the Boston Bank, Commonwealth Loan and Securities. Now...

[Nathan walks over to the desk with Hardison, Sophie, and Eliot]

Parker:
[Parker's at the screens] First Independent's got a Glenn-Reeder alarm system, series F-900. Two guards at the front...

Parker:
[laughing]... one guard in the back. Cameras record, *not monitored*. Daily turnover: two million. State Street?: mostly commercial papers and loans, but they do have bearer bonds in a basement lockdown room, just takes a key and a retinal scanner. Commonwealth: they...

Parker:
[snickers] their alarm system's a holdover from the '70s. but...

Parker:
[laughs] but it's...

[Parker notices everyone is staring at her]

Parker:
[looks down at her clothes] What?

Parker:
[suddenly self-conscious and hurt] What do you guys do on *your* weekends?

[Parker walks off]

Eliot Spencer:
There's something wrong with you.

Sophie Devereaux:
So, which one's he gonna hit?

[back with Jimmy Ford]

Nathan Ford:
None of them?

Jimmy Ford:
None of them. But, see, since we control the precinct alarm system, the cops are gonna think they're being robbed. Now, think of this, Nathan: three banks being robbed *at the same time*. They're gonna think it's armageddon. Every cop in town is gonna be headin' to those three banks.

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, and away from...?

Pieter:
Mm-hmm.

[at Leverage]

Sophie Devereaux:
Away from what?

Nathan Ford:
I don't know. He won't tell me. Yet! He won't tell me *yet*.

Eliot Spencer:
Do you realize how many banks there are south of the precinct?

Parker:
[quickly] 67.

Eliot Spencer:
[to Parker] You don't throw crowbars at people!

Nathan Ford:
What is Jimmy's game?

Eliot Spencer:
Well, I would imagine he has a chess board set up in the back room. Looks a lot like yours.

Nathan Ford:
No, dad doesn't like chess. His game's three-card Monte. Just keep the cards moving. Don't show you the queen until he wants you to see the queen.

Sophie Devereaux:
All right, so we don't have enough information to run a con on this guy. Not yet, anyways. So, um, why don't we just sit this one out?

Nathan Ford:
Oh, no, no. No, no, we're gonna keep at this. We're gonna gather information.

Sophie Devereaux:
Let me be a bit clearer: why don't you sit this one out?

Nathan Ford:
Look, you want us to go after the bad guys, we're gonna go after the bad guys, and we're gonna go after them hard!

Sophie Devereaux:
Yeah, right. I said "Let's go after the bad guys", but not Jimmy Ford. You honestly think that you can put your own father behind bars?

Nathan Ford:
You got to stop looking at him as my father. He's a mark like any other mark. He's hurting people. We can do this. It's what's we do. It's our job to go after the bad guys.

Sophie Devereaux:
It's not your job to take down your own father.

Nathan Ford:
No. It's my pleasure.

Alec Hardison:
It's a real magic hat, man.

Eliot Spencer:
Anybody wanna do my job? Huh? I get punched and kicked.

Alec Hardison:
Hey Eliot, what's that blocking your helmet-cam. Oh right, it's your ego.

Eliot Spencer:
[referring to Nathan] He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking, he's on the top of his game. I can't even believe we pulled this one off.

Sophie Devereaux:
Well, that's the problem; he keeps on winning. And every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control... life.

Eliot Spencer:
So I guess he could today.

Sophie Devereaux:
What happens when he loses? The last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.

[repeated line]

Eliot Spencer:
What's wrong with you?

Creepy Homeless Guy:
You know when I said you had pretty hair? I lied.

Parker:
Yeah? Well, I lied when I said you didn't! Wait... dammit!

Eliot Spencer:
That's why I grow my own food.

Sophie Devereaux:
Where do you find the time?

Eliot Spencer:
You MAKE time. I only sleep 90 minutes a day.

Nathan Ford:
I'd give it exactly, uh, two seconds before it becomes a train wreck.

Eliot Spencer:
Hardison, we got a problem.

Alec Hardison:
[Nathan gives him the "see?" shoulder shrug] What kind of problem?

Eliot Spencer:
They're MRI'ing my pizza, and their stance says ex-CIA.

Alec Hardison:
You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?

Eliot Spencer:
It's a very distinctive stance.

Parker:
Is that C-4?

Sophie Devereaux:
Oh! Parker... please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb.

Nathan Ford:
So, uh... secret admirer?

Sophie Devereaux:
Well, it's no secret they want me dead.

Sophie Devereaux:
All right, everybody get out of here right now.

Nathan Ford:
I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna stay with Sophie, all right?

Alec Hardison:
We're not leaving you, Sophie.

Sophie Devereaux:
Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but just... if you don't get out of here now, then... then I'm going to kill you myself when this over.

Nathan Ford:
Friend of yours?

Sophie Devereaux:
Well, If by that you mean murderous, treacherous backstabber, than yes.

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, I thought so. Seemed like your type.

Sophie Devereaux:
So this is what you do, right? You take... you take footage of us on cons and you... you... you download it into that?

Alec Hardison:
eah, I analyze it, I monitor comms, I scan for all police frequencies, I... you had no idea I do all this, did you? Does nobody respect the van? The van is important! What... what is that?

Sophie Devereaux:
It's lemon-zest tea. I gotta tell you, it's... it's a little bit... it's a little bit wiffy in here.

Alec Hardison:
It smells like hard work, that's what it smells like!

Nathan Ford:
If you know about us, then you would know to get out of my city.

Marcus Stark:
It's still your city, Nate. I'm... I'm just gonna take her out for one night of cheap fun. I'll get her back to you in the morning.

Alec Hardison:
Chaos, I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.

Colin Mason:
Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.

Alec Hardison:
You were scared to fight a girl.

Eliot Spencer:
She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison

Alec Hardison:
I don't care.

Eliot Spencer:
Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop. It's a funny story, actually. She broke the mop and took...

Alec Hardison:
Eliot, Eliot.

Sophie Devereaux:
Nobody's going to recognize me.

Nathan Ford:
How's that?

Sophie Devereaux:
[hurt] Nate, I'm acting!

Aimee Martin:
You called him?

Willy Martin:
We need him.

Aimee Martin:
Yeah, no we don't.

Eliot Spencer:
I forgot how much I like these Southern welcomes.

Parker:
[about Sterling] He's like Nate. Evil Nate.

Sophie Devereaux:
I don't know what comes of chasing the past, you know, Elliot?

Eliot Spencer:
Well, Sophie, sweetie, I don't think you and Nate get to serve me that particular meal.

Sophie Devereaux:
Ouch.

Parker:
Can you hack it?

Alec Hardison:
Hack a lock? Nice. You still really don't understand what I do, do you?

Parker:
Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to freakin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.

Nathan Ford:
We're using Baltimore as the lost heir.

Alec Hardison:
I hacked into the IFHA website. That's the database with all the horses' bloodlines. Now, all that information is linked on numbers to microchips in the horse's neck. Now, we'll link Baltimore's microchip number to a fake horse with a great bloodline. Then we'll disguise the white stripe on his face with some paint.

Eliot Spencer:
No, no. It's not gonna work. His lungs are still messed up from the fire.

Nathan Ford:
Well, he can still run.

Eliot Spencer:
He can run, but Foss is gonna see how slow he is. That paint thing, that's not gonna hold up if he gets close enough to scan the chip.

Nathan Ford:
Hmm... uh... well, we... we need to find a horse that can run like a champion. I mean...

Alec Hardison:
What about that horse from the other day? Uh... Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Eliot Spencer:
Kentucky Thunder.

Alec Hardison:
Well, that's... that's what I said.

Nathan Ford:
Oh, we steal an actual championship racehorse in order to fake another championship racehorse.

Alec Hardison:
Yeah.

Nathan Ford:
Ooh, I like it.

Sophie Devereaux:
Tell me how you break into a bank.

Parker:
Clock the cameras, count the guards, find the silent alarms, look for a weak spot to enter, pick the vault's combination, and steal the money.

Sophie Devereaux:
Just analyze Pierce the same way you would a security system. Here. [hands her a notebook] Take notes. There's your mark. Find her weak spots. With politicians, it's usually a need for adoration. The same way that you wear black to mask yourself from security cameras, flattery can mask your intentions. Find the right combination, and you can unlock the mark's trust. And then you can steal her...

Parker:
Soul.

Sophie Devereaux:
I was gonna say "confidence."

Cory:
Who are you? Really?

Eliot Spencer:
We're friends of Troy. We came here to make the mine safe.

Cory:
So you're leaving?

Eliot Spencer:
Yeah, I'm leaving. But you got a bunch of good ol' boys here to watch your back for you. You remember what I told you. Use that head; keep you safe.

Cory:
I will.

Eliot Spencer:
Good. That way, I don't have come back here and whoop your ass.

Nathan Ford:
Hey, there. Welcome to your new office.

Troy:
Excuse me?

Nathan Ford:
After Blackwell was arrested, the board removed him as CEO and made you mine supervisor.

Eliot Spencer:
Now everybody's safety's in your hands.

Troy:
Well, I... I'll do my best.

Nathan Ford:
[handing him a check] Well, here. Uh, this should help.

Troy:
[stunned upon seeing the check amount] Well, where did this come from?

Nathan Ford:
Well, that is the federal safety money. See, what happened was Blackwell gave it to Pierce, and Pierce gave it to us and, well... more or less.

Eliot Spencer:
Now you can buy safety equipment that actually works.

Troy:
Hey, thank you so much.

Nathan Ford:
All right. Well, we'll let you get to it.

Troy:
Thank you.

Eliot Spencer:
Listen, do me a favor. Watch out for Cory for me.

Troy:
Will do.

Eliot Spencer:
All right. You should put him on the scoop. He's got a knack for it.

Sophie Devereaux:
Pierce transferred all the PAC funds into Parker's account.

Alec Hardison:
Nicely done.

Parker:
Well, I had a little help from Sophie. But yeah, I nailed it. I'm a grifter. I grift.

Nathan Ford:
Yeah. You do know you don't get to keep the money, right?

Parker:
Don't ruin it.

Nathan Ford:
You just kill a guy with an appetizer?

Eliot Spencer:
I don't know. Maybe.

Alec Hardison:
The cakemaker of Keiv could whoop all our asses. This is the *butcher*.

Eliot Spencer:
Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?

Alec Hardison:
Punch somebody!

Eliot Spencer:
Oh, I'm gonna punch somebody.

Eliot Spencer:
What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?

Nathan Ford:
No! Well, yeah.

Eliot Spencer:
Look, hold a knife like this, cuts through an onion. Hold a knife like this, cuts through, like, eight yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage.

Eliot Spencer:
There was a girl I grew up with. But, anyway, she married somebody else, so...

Alec Hardison:
Hot damn. What did you do?

Eliot Spencer:
What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

Nathan Ford:
[ad-libbing the wedding vows] And Maria, you know that when you look at Adam, he has to know that you've made him a better man, and that he should probably just give up and agree with you... [guests laugh]

Nathan Ford:
Let's go rob Nicky Moscone. A guy who kills people and lives in our city.

Nathan Ford:
[Nate sees Sterling walk in behind Eliot] Eliot, I'm going to ask you not to do anything violent.

Eliot Spencer:
What? What are you talking about? I only use violence as an appropriate response.

Jim Sterling:
Hello, Nate.

[Eliot's eyes widen and he whirls around and punches Sterling in the face]

Tara Cole:
What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.

Eliot Spencer:
Like love?

Tara Cole:
Who is...?

Eliot Spencer:
Maggie is Nate's ex-wife.

Tara Cole:
OK, is there any chance she took the egg?

Parker:
No, Maggie's the most honest person we know. But besides that, she's OK.

Tara Cole:
[seeing Sterling on TV] I hate him!

Eliot Spencer:
NOW, you're part of the team.

Maggie Collins:
[to Nate] I meant what I said before, Nate. I really like the man you've become. Too bad you don't.

Nathan Ford:
Maggie, it's not what you think.

Parker:
[speaking quickly] It's your first time being a fugitive, so I made you a bag.

Maggie Collins:
Thank you, Parker. It's not that I don't appreciate getting out of jail - I just can't live my life a fugitive.

Nathan Ford:
But you're not a fugitive.

Parker:
Passports, money, lockpicks.

Nathan Ford:
You were released, not broken out.

Parker:
Toothpaste, explosives. Do *not* mix these up.

Maggie Collins:
Thank you, Parker. But you released me to run. I'm not going anywhere until my name is cleared.

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, right, right, that's what I'm here to do: to get the egg back and clear your name.

Maggie Collins:
But you're clearing my name with thieves! No offense, Parker.

Parker:
At what?

Jim Sterling:
Actually, Nate's been rehabilitated. He's here on official I.Y.S. business as a consultant. I brought him on.

Maggie Collins:
You've gone straight?

Nathan Ford:
The- the only reason they are here is to deal with the authorities and to get you released and everything. They're not staying.

Parker:
[scoffs]

Jim Sterling:
Absolutely not. I don't trust them. They don't trust me.

Nathan Ford:
Right.

Parker:
Eliot already punched him.

Nathan Ford:
Yeah, you know, it's all aboveboard. It's- it's perfectly legit. You know, I think really the best thing you can do would be to go back to the hotel, clean up and everything, and I'll call you in case anything happens. I promise.

Parker:
This. Looks like gum? Not gum. Diamond-edge file.

Nathan Ford:
Parker, hey yeah, yeah, that's great, that's great.

Parker:
[sotto voce] She needs this stuff!

Jim Sterling:
[taking Maggie out of the room] I'm just gonna help you with this.

Jim Sterling:
Crime suits you. You're becoming a much better liar.

Nathan Ford:
Thanks. Let's, uh, let's nail this Lundy before Maggie finds that out.

Tara Cole:
[Eliot brawls with Sterling] And this is...?

Nathan Ford:
James Sterling. We used to work together. Insurance.

Tara Cole:
He seems to rub Eliot the wrong way.

Nathan Ford:
[sarcastic] You think?

Alec Hardison:
Two weeks in Tokyo. We'd have a great time.

Parker:
What are we stealing?

Alec Hardison:
We don't steal anything. We'd be tourists.

Parker:
Not following you.