Lewis Black: Black on Broadway

Lewis Black:
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Lewis Black:
Lactose intolerant milk kiss my dick. If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the f***ing carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

Lewis Black:
These guys believe that a 350 billion dollar tax cut will stimulate the economy, and they are full of sh*t. Because they don't know what stimulates the economy. The economy goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, nobody knows why the f*** it happens. And I know this because I took economics, and I'd explain it to yea'... but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolute nothing that you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Lewis Black:
If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Lewis Black:
Then of course, there's Dennis Kozlowski. He took from his company 463 million dollars because, well, he had to buy sh*t. Are you kiddin' me? He gets on the phone: I'd like all the corn in Iowa... 'Cause I'm having a ho-down.

Lewis Black:
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-f***-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-f***ing-bomb just blowing the sh*t out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the f***ing blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

Lewis Black:
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people... THREE people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? "Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!"