Life with Louie

Andy Anderson:
[Listening to radio] Aw good it's a fishing show. Ah! It's a Christmas show disguised as a fishing show. Wouldn't you know it there's a Santa on the boat.

Louie:
[sarcastically] Now there's Christmas spirit.

Andy Anderson:
I heard that!

Andy Anderson:
Go get the saw out of the garage. Go on and get that stand out of the basement.

Louie:
You mean the stand that came over on the Mayflower?

Andy Anderson:
It's a good stand! It's been handed down generation after generation. When I was kid we didn't have any stands, WE HAD TO TAKE TURNS HOLDING THAT TREE!

Louie:
[about the Christmas tree] Dad! It's crooked!

Andy Anderson:
Put it by the TV. No one will notice. For 35 bucks that tree should dance!

Andy Anderson:
How much for this Christmas tree without any limbs?

Salesman:
$35.

Andy Anderson:
WHAT? You gonna come over and decorate it for us? I'll give you three bucks for it.

Louie:
Oh my gosh! He's not our legal father!

Andy Anderson:
Hey Louie! It's a scheduled holiday, kid! It's Paint the Garage Day!

Andy Anderson:
He offered $5,000?

Louie:
Bud, Dad, you love that car.

Andy Anderson:
Well I love your mother but for $5,000!

Louie:
Dad, you don't mean that.

Andy Anderson:
Louie! Check the Santa. Make sure it's grounded!

Louie:
Make sure you're grounded!

Andy Anderson:
I heard that!

Andy Anderson:
[Hanging onto rain gutter] Hurry up, you kids, I'm losing my grip!

Grunewald:
[Sarcastically] You can say that again.

Andy Anderson:
I heard that!

Andy Anderson:
My boy is as American as those French fries you're eating.

[Dad is selling the house]

Motorist:
Yo, I'll give you $50 for it.

Andy Anderson:
How'd you like to eat this house? Rafter by rafter, nail by nail, limb from limb!

Tommy:
Let's watch TV.

Andy Anderson:
No TV at dinner time!

Louie:
But we always watch TV at dinner.

Andy Anderson:
It's a waste of electricity. Besides it's summer, you know they'll just show the reruns. You wanna watch TV, sit back and remember the show from the first time you saw it. Just watch me, I'll show you. Ah ha ha ha ha!

Louie:
What's so funny?

Louie:
I'm remembering an F-Troop from October. That was a good one! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Louie Anderson:
[Reading job ad to Dad] Wanted: Nursery School Superintendent. Must be calm, pleasant demeanor, and good with children.

Andy Anderson:
Hey, did they write that for me or what?

[Trips on a tricycle]

Andy Anderson:
For crying out loud, Tommy, how many times do I have to tell you to put your toys away?

Motorist:
[Andy is selling the Rambler] Hey, Anderson, you selling that junk heap for parts?

Andy Anderson:
Hold me back, Louie! We're going back to Normandy!

Louie:
Um, Dad.

[Dad has accidentally painted over the windows]

Andy Anderson:
Huh? It's better this way. Too much sun makes ya cranky.

Louie:
You should know, Dad.

Andy Anderson:
I heard that!

Ora Anderson:
Guess what? I got a job.

Andy Anderson:
All you've ever done in your life is cook, clean, dust, sweep, scrub, suckle, and nurture. What would you possibly know about work?

Ora Anderson:
I'm going to be a Lucky Lady.

Andy Anderson:
You mean one of those people who sell feminine products door to door? Fine. Fine! Do what you want. Go see what it's like in this dog eat dog, dog eat Dad, Dad bite dog, bigger dog come after Dad world!

[Louie is selling lemonade]

Andy Anderson:
Give me a glass, Louie.

Louie:
Five cents.

Andy Anderson:
What? I paid for the lemonade mix!

Louie:
Five cents!

Andy Anderson:
[Pays and drinks] Mmm, this is real good, if you wanna remove rats from the Titanic!

[Louie is selling lemonade]

Andy Anderson:
Alright, if your product's lousy, you need an aggressive sales pitch. Watch me. Hey, lemonade Mrs. Stillman? It's only a nickel.

Mrs. Stillman:
Well, maybe.

Andy Anderson:
What do you mean maybe? It's 150 degrees out here, you're sweating like a dog!

Mrs. Stillman:
[Insulted] Well, I'll come back later Louie when you're not so *crowded*.

Louie:
[Dad is working in the garage] Um, Dad.

Andy Anderson:
Snipers! SIX O'CLOCK!

[Dives behind the car and emerges wearing a bucket on his head and holding a power drill]

Andy Anderson:
What did I tell you about sneaking up on a military man?

Louie Anderson:
[narrating] The Anderson name has been dragged through the mud, and I was just the man to hose it off.

Andy Anderson:
[on the phone with his boss] That's right, I want that apology in writing. In triplicate. Got it? No wait a minute, make it three copies.

Ora Anderson:
[doorbell rings] If that's another one of them salesman, I'm gonna...

Andy Anderson:
You're gonna what?

Ora Anderson:
Uh... Invite them in for dessert.

Andy Anderson:
[to neighbor who wants to cut down a tree in his yard] Hey, this is my lawn! Who rakes it? Who mows it?

Louie:
*I* do.

Andy Anderson:
Who asked you?

Little Louie:
Wow! So I was born at the drive-in?

Andy Anderson:
That's right, and we would have stayed for the second feature too but the manager tried to charge us for an extra person!

JoJo Stomopolis:
Alright, Louie, give me a tee.

[Expects a golf tee]

Louie:
Tee!

Jojo Stomopolis:
What? Give me a tee.

Louie:
Tee!

Jojo Stomopolis:
Are you listening? I said give me a tee!

Louie:
[Spreads arms] Tee!

Jojo Stomopolis:
I'm guessing this is going to be a long day.

Louie Anderson:
I'm supposed to be your caddy *and* carry your clubs?

Jojo Stomopolis:
Where's my two iron?

Louie Anderson:
Well you used it on the tenth hole.

Jojo Stomopolis:
Yeah, and...?

Louie Anderson:
Well, I thought you were done with it.

Jojo Stomopolis:
So you left it there?

Louie Anderson:
I'm supposed to carry these things to every hole?

Louie Anderson:
I'm tellin' ya, Dad, computers. They're the wave of the future. Jojo says so.

Andy Anderson:
Thanks for the tip, Louie, I'll be sure to invest my nest egg. Hey, Honey, how much is my nest egg?

Ora Anderson:
[Looking in cookie jar] Three dollars and two oatmeal delights.

Andy Anderson:
[sarcastically] Computers. Ha ha. There's a real growth industry. A passing fad if I ever heard one.

[Grunewald is throwing pebbles at Louie's window to wake him up]

Andy Anderson:
Hey Grunewald, ever hear of a doorbell?

Grunewald:
I don't wanna wake everybody up.

Andy Anderson:
Thanks a heap, Doctor, but I think we'll try our own three-step program. [Escorts Principal Halloran out the door] Step one: you leave. Step two: I cure Louie myself. Step three: you leave.

Principal Halloran:
But that was step one.

Andy Anderson:
Well, you're still here, aren't you? [Shuts door]

Andy Anderson:
What's going on, Ora? Morning already?

Ora Anderson:
No, it's just... I've got some cooking to do. I need to make dinner.

Andy Anderson:
Honey, have you looked in the freezer? If the polar ice caps were to melt and flood the earth for three years, we still wouldn't miss a meal.

Louie Anderson:
Where'd she go?

Rabbi:
Someplace good.

Louie Anderson:
Think you could be a little more specific?

Rabbi:
I can't, and I wouldn't want to be. The world to concentrate on, Louie, is this one. Just know that your grandmother went to a place that you and I... we can't even begin to imagine it.

Louie Anderson:
Come on, Rab! You know how it works. Without a ZIP code, this puppy's not going anywhere. This place, is it... heaven?

Rabbi:
Some rabbis say yes, some rabbis say no.

Louie Anderson:
Will I need extra stamps? Is it nearby? Can she see us from there?

Rabbi:
Mmm... some rabbis say yes, some rabbis say no.

Louie Anderson:
Well what do you say?

Rabbi:
Me? Hmm... Well, I say that some rabbis say yes, and some rabbis say no.

Louie Anderson:
Oh man, I knew you were gonna say that.