Lilo & Stitch

[Original opening]

Grand Councilwoman:
Prepare yourselves. Three months ago, an unauthorized military experiment was uncovered in which a creature was modified at the genetic level. Open it. [tube opens] He is called Experiment 6-2-6. [Stitch snarls at the guards] Thoroughly unpleasant. His recent attack on the peaceful populace of the planet Piston is a mere addition to the nauseating list of mischief and hooliganism that has earned him the prestigious title of Public Nuisance Number One. Experiment 6-2-6, you have given no indication that you are anything but dangerous, but I can give you this one chance. Show us that there is something inside you that is good.

Gantu:
Answer, you piece of garbage!

Stitch:
[clears throat] Meega nala kweesta! ["I wanna destroy!"]

Audience:
[gasps]

Grand Councilwoman:
So naughty!

Stitch:
[laughs hysterically]

Grand Councilwoman:
I herby sentence you to life imprisonment on a maximum security asteroid. Captain Gantu, take him away.

Gantu:
With pleasure!

[Final cut opening]

Grand Councilwoman:
Read the charges.

Gantu:
Dr. Jumba Jookiba, lead scientist of Galaxy Defense Industries, you stand before this council, accused. Of illegal genetic experimentation! [a door opens revealing a spaceship]

Grand Councilwoman:
How do you plead?

Jumba:
Not guilty. My experiments are only theoretical completely within legal boundaries. [as he says this, the spaceship opens]

Grand Councilwoman:
We believe you actually created something.

Jumba:
Created something? Ha! But that would be irresponsible! And unethical! I would never, ever... [Stitch is revealed] make more than one.

Gantu:
What is that monstrosity?

Jumba:
Monstrosity?! What you see before you is the first of a new species. I call him Experiment 6-2-6. He is bullet-proof, fire-proof, and can think faster than supercomputer. He can see in the dark, and move objects three thousand times his size! His only instinct: TO DESTROY EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES! [laughing maniacally]

Grand Councilwoman:
So it is a monster.

Jumba:
[nonchalantly] Hey, just a little one.

Gantu:
It's an affront to nature! It must be destroyed!

Grand Councilwoman:
Calm yourself, Captain Gantu. Perhaps it can be reasoned with. [to Stitch] Experiment 6-2-6, give us some sign you understand any of this. Show us that there is something inside you that is good.

Stitch:
[clears throat] Meega nala kweesta! ["I wanna destroy!"]

Audience:
[gasps]

Grand Councilwoman:
So naughty!

Stitch:
[laughs hysterically]

Jumba:
I didn't teach him that!

Gantu:
Place that idiot scientist, perhaps we should to you're under arrest! [sighs] Perhaps to get arrested for the belong to the secrets. Take them away?

Jumba:
I prefer to be called that EVIL GENIUS!

Grand Councilwoman:
And as for that abomination, it is the pure product of a deranged mind. It has no place with us. Captain Gantu, take him away.

Gantu:
With pleasure!

[In Jumba's cell after Stitch has escaped]

Jumba:
[chuckles] He got away?

Grand Councilwoman:
I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you.

Jumba:
I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable.

Grand Councilwoman:
Which is precisely why you must now bring him back.

Jumba:
What, me?

Grand Councilwoman:
And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture.

Jumba:
[sighs] 6-2-6 will not come easily... Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to--

Grand Councilwoman:
[interrupting, exasperated] Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba?

Jumba:
[grunts and nods]

Pleakley:
B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him?

Grand Councilwoman:
You will.

[After Lilo shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one.]

Moses Puloki:
Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet?

Lilo:
It's sandwich day.

[Puloki looks confused]

Lilo:
[sighs] Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich.

Puloki:
[still confused] Pudge is a fish?

Lilo:
[continues] And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich! I can't give Pudge tuna! [Whispers] Do you know what tuna is?

Puloki:
Fish?

Lilo:
It's FISH! If I gave pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is...is... IS STINKIN' TUNA!!!

Puloki:
Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important?

Lilo:
[seriously] Pudge controls the weather.

[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]

Mertle:
You're crazy.

[Lilo jumps on Mertle, punching her in the face, then the other girls gather around Puloki as he picks up Lilo.]

Puloki:
Please! PLEASE! Everybody calm down! [Mertle cries]

Puloki:
Girls... (speaking Hawaiian) Shh. Lilo...

Lilo:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again!

Puloki:
Maybe we should call your sister.

Lilo:
No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced.

[Pause]

Mertle:
Ooh, she bit me.

Elena, Teresa and Yuki:
Ewwwwwww!

Cobra Bubbles:
[reaching down to shake hands with Lilo] Nice to meet you.

Lilo:
[tilting her head as if to read something] Your knuckles say "Cobra." [Cobra Bubbles withdraws his hand, his knuckles crack] "Cobra Bubbles." You don’t look like a social worker.

Cobra Bubbles:
I’m a special classification.

Lilo:
Did you ever kill anyone?

Cobra Bubbles:
[frowning] We’re getting off the subject. Today let's talk about you. Are you...happy?

Lilo:
[opens her mouth wide to show a fake smile, sounding slightly bored, speaking in response to Nani’s pantomiming behind Cobra] I’m adjusted. I eat four food groups and look both ways when crossing the street. And take long naps... [Nani clenches a fist in a "Doing well" sign] and get disciplined?

[Nani cringes]

Cobra Bubbles:
Disciplined?

[Lilo continues, with Nani silently getting more and more frantic.]

Lilo:
Yeah, she disciplines me real good. Sometimes five times a day. [Nani places her head in her hands in despair] With bricks. [Nani looks up in horror]

Cobra Bubbles:
Bricks?

Lilo:
Uh-huh. In a pillowcase.

Nani:
[clamps her hand over Lilo's mouth] Okay! That's enough sugar for you! [pushes Lilo in the direction out of the room and speaks through her clenched teeth] Why dontcha run along, ya little cutie? [nervously laughs, looking at Cobra Bubbles] The other social workers just thought she was a scream... Thirsty? [walks to the fridge awkwardly]

Cobra Bubbles:
Let me illuminate to you the precarious situation in which you have found yourself. I am the one they call when things go wrong, and things have indeed gone wrong.

Lilo:
[makes her enemies of spoons and furiously puts them in the jar] My friends need to be punished.

Nani:
[turns red in anger]

Cobra Bubbles:
Call me next time you left here alone.

Lilo:
Yep.

Cobra Bubbles:
In case you're wondering, this did not go well. (effortlessly pulls open the previously nailed-up door) You have 3 days to change my mind. [closes the door as Nani Glares at Lilo]

Nani:
Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait [slams her fist down] there!

[Lilo struggles to break free] Lilo! Do you not understand?! Do you want to be taken away?! [short pause] Answer me!

Lilo:
No!

Nani:
No, you don't understand?!

Lilo:
No!

Nani:
"No", WHAT?!?

Lilo:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [drops to the floor and moans]

Nani:
[groans in anger] You're such a pain!

Lilo:
So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?!

Nani:
At least a rabbit would behave BETTER THAN YOU!

Lilo:
Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too!

Nani:
AND QUIETER!

Lilo:
You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like YOU! [enters her bedroom and slams the door]

Nani:
[furiously screaming] GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Lilo:
[opens door, shouting] I'M ALREADY IN MY ROOM!! [slams the door harder]

[downstairs, Nani angrily stomps into the living room, grabs a pillow off a chair, then she presses her face into it and shrieks with rage, then it cuts to Lilo upstairs, in her room, where she does the same thing. She then passes out on her bed.]

Nani:
Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry.

Lilo:
We’re a broken family, aren’t we.

Nani:
No.

Lilo:
[trying to push Nani out of her room] Can't you go any faster?!

Nani:
[leaning back] Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me!

Lilo:
No, it's not!

Nani:
Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. [Accidentally falls on top of Lilo]

Lilo:
You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so WEIRD?! [angrily shuts the door, hitting Nani’s head]

[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog.]

Nani:
[to shelter worker] We're looking for something that can defend itself... something that won't die, something... sturdy, you know?

Lilo:
Like a lobster!

Nani:
Lilo, you lolo. Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog.

[Lilo comes back to the lobby with Stitch]

Shelter Worker:
Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable... [jumps, startled] Except, that one!!! [runs and takes Stitch away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from Stitch]

Nani:
What is that thing?

Shelter Worker:
A dog...I think, but it was dead this morning.

Nani:
It was dead this morning?!

Shelter Worker:
Well, we thought it was dead; it was hit by a truck!

Lilo:
I like him! Come here, boy.

[Stitch forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]

Nani:
[screams and pushes Stitch away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks] Wouldn't you like a different dog?

Shelter Worker:
[a bit breathless] We have better dogs, dear.

Lilo:
Not better than him! He can talk. Say hello.

Stitch:
He... Hel...

Shelter Worker:
Dogs can't talk, dear.

Stitch:
[narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]

Lilo:
He did.

Nani:
Does it have to be this dog?

Stitch:
[pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]

Lilo:
Yes. He's good. I can tell.

Shelter Worker:
[filling out paperwork at the front desk] You'll have to think of a name for him.

Lilo:
His name is... Stitch.

Shelter Worker:
That's not a real name. [Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!'] ...in...Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee.

Lilo:
I want to buy him! [whispers] Can I borrow $2?

Nani:
[with a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]

Shelter Worker:
[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile] He's all yours.

Lilo:
My friends!

[Mertle and her friends run away from Lilo]

Mertle:
What do you want?

Lilo:
I'm sorry I bit you and pulled your hairband punched you in the face.

Mertle:
Apology not accepted. Now get out of my way before I run you over. [starles]

Lilo:
I got a new dog. His name is Stitch.

Mertle:
That is the ugliest thing I have ever saw.

Kids:
Yeeeeeah!

Mertle:
Eww! Get it away from me! I'm gonna get a disease! [Stitch takes a bicycle from Her, then she Starts Crying, Which Lilo Hops On With Stitch] Somebody do something!

Captain Gantu:
Little savage! GET OFF MY SHIP! [Gantu's lasers point at Stitch and he falls down]

Lilo:
Don't leave me, okay?

Stitch:
Okay...

[Captain Gantu closes in on Stitch, who is on top of a tanker truck he drove into a volcano]

Captain Gantu:
Abomination.

Stitch:
Stupid-head... [He rips open the tanker, spilling gasoline into the magma; the resulting explosion launches him towards Gantu's ship] Yeehaw! [Crashes through the windshield into the cockpit] Aloha! [Laughs]

Captain Gantu:
[Furiously trying to pound Stitch with his fist] You're vile! You're FOUL! YOU'RE FLAWED!

Stitch:
[Grabs Gantu's hand...] Also cute and FLUFFY! [...and throws him through the windshield onto the wing of Jumba's ship below]

Grand Councilwoman:
You?! You're the cause of all this! If it wasn't for your Experiment 6-2-6, none of this-

Stitch:
[interrupting] Stitch!

Grand Councilwoman:
What?

Stitch:
My name Stitch.

Grand Councilwoman:
Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- [realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]

Stitch:
Does Stitch have to go in the ship?

Grand Councilwoman:
[shocked, hesitant] ...Yes.

Stitch:
Can Stitch say goodbye?

Grand Councilwoman:
Yes.

Stitch:
Thank you. [walks over to Nani and Lilo]

Grand Councilwoman:
[looks at Nani and Lilo] Who are you?

Stitch:
This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good.

Cobra Bubbles:
[whispering] Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter?

Lilo:
Hey! Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing.

Cobra Bubbles:
Aliens are all about rules.

Great Councilwoman:
You look familiar.

Cobra Bubbles:
CIA. Roswell. 1973.

Great Councilwoman:
Ah, yes. You had hair then.

[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]

Jumba:
You shouldn't play with guns.

Stitch:
[giving it to him] Oh, okay.

Jumba:
Thank you. [hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch] Oh, uh, I just remembered - it's your birthday! Happy birthday!

Stitch:
[throws it to him] Err, Merry Christmas!

Jumba:
[throws it back] It's not Christmas!

Stitch:
[throws it back] Happy Hanukah!

[as Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]

Jumba:
[in background, overlapped by Lilo] It's not Hanukah!

Lilo:
We're leaving Stitch?!

Pleakley:
Trust me, this is not gonna end well!

[back to Jumba and Stitch]

Jumba:
One potato!

Stitch:
Two potato!

Jumba:
Three potato!

Stitch:
Four!

Jumba:
Five potato!

Stitch:
Six potato!

Jumba:
Seven potato, more!

Stitch:
My...

Jumba:
mother...

Stitch:
told...

Jumba:
me...

Stitch:
YOU...

Jumba:
ARE...

Stitch:
It.

Jumba:
HA! I win!

[the gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]