Little Mosque on the Prairie

Baber Siddiqui:
[Yasir is interviewing Yousef for a contracting job; he and Baber want him as a potential suitor for Rayyan] Do you think he's Muslim?

Yasir Hamoudi:
It's not legal to ask!

Sarah Hamoudi:
Uh-oh, ketchup chips, what's wrong?

Yasir Hamoudi:
What do you think of strong women?

Baber Siddiqui:
Very, very strong women-annoyingly strong-strong to a fault. Do you like them?

Yousef:
[Yousef does not speak English]... yes?

Baber Siddiqui:
I am talking unbearably strong, liberal women!

Yasir Hamoudi:
Baber, you made your point! Plainly he likes... uhm... dynamic women.

Yousef:
Yes.

Yasir Hamoudi:
He doesn't say much, though, does he?

Baber Siddiqui:
Yes, and your daughter never shuts up, it's a perfect match.

Reverend William Thorne:
Arguing about who crucified Jesus, the Jews or the Muslims.

Amaar Rashid:
Muslims didn't even exist back then.

Reverend William Thorne:
Y'see, I'm bored already.

Yasir Hamoudi:
You would marry a complete stranger just to teach me a lesson?

Rayyan Hamoudi:
And you would give me away just to teach *me* a lesson?

Yasir Hamoudi:
That about sums it up, yes.

Baber Siddiqui:
That is dull, joyless and uninspired. Now that's what I call Muslim!

Yasir Hamoudi:
And would you really want me as a father-in-law? I'm a terrible man.

Rayyan Hamoudi:
More terrible than you know.

Mayor Ann Popowicz:
The fun fair is fun! The mixer is Muslim!

Sarah Hamoudi:
You toyed with his emotions.

Yasir Hamoudi:
[to Rayyan] Shame on you.

Sarah Hamoudi:
[to Yasir] Shame on *you*! You started this whole thing with your meddling!

Yasir Hamoudi:
Wait a second, there's a fine line between meddling and... shame on me.

Yasir Hamoudi:
I remember the first time I put an industrial staple into my leg. It was quite painful-Rayyan! What a surprise!

Yasir Hamoudi:
Guess what?

Sarah Hamoudi:
You learned how to splice genes to create a a new breed of supercrop.

Yasir Hamoudi:
No. Why would you go there?

Sarah Hamoudi:
People say 'guess what', I like to take a risk.

[Ron MacLean is conducting an on-air interview]

Ron MacLean:
We're back and I'm with Darcy Tucker. Team's been on recently, big game winning goal tonight. What is it that's working for you right now?

Darcy Tucker:
It's all about the beets.

Ron MacLean:
The beats. The hip-hop music you're playing in the dressing rooms.

Darcy Tucker:
No. Beet juice. I get it shipped in from this little town in the prairies. Mercy Beet Company.

Ron MacLean:
So you could say this is a drink that can't be beat.

Darcy Tucker:
No, it is beet.

Ron MacLean:
No, no, I'm just saying it's a drink that can't be beat.

Darcy Tucker:
Are we done yet?

Johnny:
We've even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think: "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."

Baber Siddiqui:
Upstairs from Adult Triple X Video. Perhaps you could tell me something. I've always wondered, do the X's stand for hugs or kisses?

Amaar Rashid:
People shouldn't hate Baber because he's Muslim.

Rayyan Hamoudi:
Uh-huh.

Amaar Rashid:
They should get to know him first.

Layla Siddiqui:
[about herself and her male classmate] Dad, we have to study Biology.

Baber Siddiqui:
Not until you're married.

[while on their date, Jeff tries to kiss Rayyan, who rebukes his advances. He's confused]

Jeff:
You invited me on a date, didn't you?

Rayyan Hamoudi:
Yes, but I shouldn't have. I was angry, I wasn't thinking, and I guess I was using you.

Jeff:
Well hey, that's cool. I don't mind being used. I'm user friendly.

Amaar Rashid:
You didn't think it was enlightening?

Baber Siddiqui:
I thought it was endarkening.

Baber Siddiqui:
How is anyone going to know that you finally embraced your modesty unless we show you off, huh?

Mrs. Wispinski:
[about her and her husband] We've been doing some soul searching...

Yasir Hamoudi:
Ah, excellent. It's always in the last place you look.

Fatima Dinssa:
A cash register is a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands.

Amaar Rashid:
[about the Mercy Anglican Church] The powers that be aren't thinking about closing you down.

Reverend Duncan Magee:
Oh, I hope not. My poor congregation. For some of them, my sermons are the only time they get any sleep.

Amaar Rashid:
[about Muslims] You can't pretend to be Christian.

Reverend Duncan Magee:
Actually, you can. Half my congregation does.

Reverend Duncan Magee:
My parishioners have had their baptisms and marriages in this church. They would die if they couldn't have their funerals here too.

Yasir:
When is Easter?

Sarah:
April.

Yasir:
That's when baby Jesus sees his own shadow right?

Yasir Hamoudi:
[sitting in a church sanctuary] My seat smells. Is that why they call it a pew?

[Muslim Baber is censoring daughter Layla's choice of running attire]

Layla Siddiqui:
[running into the room to show Baber her choice of clothes] So?

Baber Siddiqui:
I can see your belly button. You look like a Protestant.

Layla Siddiqui:
Don't you mean prostitute?

Baber Siddiqui:
No. I meant Protestant.

Reverend Duncan Magee:
So, how goes the great barrier grief?

Yasir Hamoudi:
Ready to put the "slam" back in "Islam"?

Marlon:
Yasir, you're wearing silk - that's forbidden for men!

Yasir Hamoudi:
You should see my thong...

Fatima Dinssa:
[holds up a roast pig]

Marlon:
Pork? You can't eat pork!

Rayyan Hamoudi:
What kind of wine should we serve - red or white?

Marlon:
Alcohol?

Rayyan Hamoudi:
Oh, look - it's "Mr. B"!

Baber Siddiqui:
[wearing gold chains] I pity the fool!

Marlon:
Gold on a man? [shudders] No!

Fatima Dinssa:
[walks up wearing an apron with white eggs where her breasts would be]

Marlon:
[gasps] Shameful!

Fatima Dinssa:
I know, they should be brown eggs! [giggles]

Sarah Hamoudi:
[turns on some rock music]

Marlon:
Music? What is going on here? Allah will punish you all!