Louie

Louie:
What happens after you die?

Louie:
It's a big question for human beings.

Louie:
What happens after you die?

Louie:
Actually, lots of things happen after you die, just none of them include you.

Louie:
I'll be back in just a couple hours.

Mrs. Frame:
Okay, that's fine.

Louie:
Thanks for helping out again.

Louie:
I appreciate it.

Mrs. Frame:
Okay, that's fine.

Louie:
Can you help me with my back?

Dr. Bigelow:
What's wrong with your back?

Louie:
It hurts.

Dr. Bigelow:
My professional diagnosis is your back hurts.

Louie:
Age 31 is young enough that you could murder somebody and get caught and still have a pretty good life.

Never Cartesian:
I diarrheaed in the tub.

Uncle Excelsior:
[greeting Louie] How are you? You are-you are in show business now?

Louie:
Yeah, yeah.

Uncle Excelsior:
[fondly] Then tell me! Tell me all about that.

Louie:
Well, this uh, it's going pretty well, I got this show, and uh...

Uncle Excelsior:
[cutting him off] That's wonderful.

Uncle Excelsior:
Listen, why I want to see you.

Louie:
Okay.

Uncle Excelsior:
I was in Boston yesterday because I bought a credenza in Geneva: see, they're representing Mexico at an international finance analysis conference. And I was invited to the palace of some sort of duke, and he had this wonderful credenza, and I asked him about it, and he said, well, he was this kind of man [pulls effeminate face] , mm? Who has a hunting dog by his side and boots, you know? You know, like um [pulls face again] , like this kind of man, you know [he laughs, then sternly] you know?

Louie:
Okay.

Uncle Excelsior:
And so this duke, I said to him, "what a wonderful credenza", and he says [in effeminate, pinched voice] "I must make you a gift of one"

Uncle Excelsior:
[to Louie] I saw your father: he is alone, he has no one. I could not even look at him and he cried to me [in a whiny, feeble voice] "ooh, my son, he does not call me, he does not see me!" [back to his own voice] . It was disgusting, like a woman.

Rental Car Lady:
[Louie has just thrown up on a rental car] Sir, sir! You can't throw up on the car!

Louie:
I already did, I'm sorry.

Rental Car Lady:
Well sir, you're gonna have to clean that up. That's not your car.

Louie:
[cross] Hey, listen, I'm going to see my father, okay, I'm a little distressed, I haven't seen him in two years!

Rental Car Lady:
Well, either see him or don't see him, make a decision, be a man, you're forty-four years old, it's your fault!

Uncle Excelsior:
When I was a boy, I had a horse given to me by my father, your abuelo. And when I went away to school, I gave that horse to your father to care for. And in three months, he let my horse die.

Louie:
[hesitantly] Yeah, so...

Uncle Excelsior:
Louie, let me ask you something [he lifts his middle finger] . When a man has intercourse with a prostitute and he covers his organ [mimes covering his finger] with protection, so that he won't catch her wretchedness, he is acting in the name of his family so that he won't take it home to his wife. Hm?

Louie:
[nonplussed] That's-that's a question?

Uncle Excelsior:
But! Between a father and a son [he mimes uncovering his finger] there can be no separation, no boundary. A father calls, a son answers; a father *beckons*, a son comes! [brandishes his middle finger] This is for life, Louie: for life!

Dr. Ben:
Oh God, how are you?

Louie:
I feel like sh*t.

Dr. Ben:
You feel like sh*t? Are you sure you feel like sh*t and not diarrhea? 'Cause you look like diarrhea. It looks like someone poured diarrhea into a face shaped mold.

Eddie Mack:
Louie, look me in the eye and tell me I have one good reason to live.

Louie:
[a long pause] No.

Eddie Mack:
See, you got nothin'.

Louie:
No. No, I'm not - I'm not playin' that. I'm not doin' it.

Eddie Mack:
Whadda you mean.

Louie:
I mean - I mean f*** you, man. I got my reasons to live. I worked hard to figure out what they are; I'm not just handin' 'em to you. Okay? You want a reason to live? Have a drink of water and get some sleep. Wake up in the morning and try again like everybody else does.

Eddie Mack:
Yeah, yeah, yeah: "tough love."

Louie:
Nah, no love. Okay? More like "tough not givin' a sh*t anymore," Eddie. If you wanna - If you wanna tap out 'cause your life is sh*t... You know what, it's not *your* life. It's life. It's - life is bigger than you, it's - if you can imagine that. Life isn't somethin' that you possess, it's somethin' that you take part in, and you witness.

Eddie Mack:
[laughing] You are - You are so excited right now, that you get to give the big speech. You would love to be the guy that talks this loser - who you never think about - outta suicide so you can feel better about yourself. This is not about you, Louie. This is just me sayin' good-bye. It was nice to know ya when I knew ya.

Young Subway Woman:
You shouldn't curse in front of your daughter.

Louie:
Sh*t!

Jack Dall:
If someone asks you to keep a secret, their secret is a lie.

Louie:
[after dropping parts to fix his daughters doll] Sh*t on my Fathers Balls!

Nick:
You know, I know it's a free country, Rick, and I don't care what you guys do, but...

Rick:
Thanks, Nick. The next time I'm about to go down on a big, juicy cock, I'll remember it's all right with you.

Louie:
You should have that stamped at the head of the cock. [He smiles and gives the "okay sign."]

Rick:
Nick-approved.

Trisha:
[during sex] Oh... Oh, my god, you're so old!

Louie:
What?

Trisha:
You're so old! You're so goddamn old!

Louie:
Yeah, I'm... pretty old...

Trisha:
Oh! Tell me how old you are!

Louie:
I'm 42.

Trisha:
Ohh!

Louie:
I'm almost 43.

Trisha:
Ahh!

Louie:
I was born in 1967.

Trisha:
Oh, god, that's crazy old!

Louie:
I remember going to movies when it cost three dollars.

Trisha:
Oh sh*t! Yeah!

Louie:
I... I remember smoking on airplanes!

Trisha:
Oh, sh*t, that's so long ago!

Louie:
I had a vein removed from my leg last year...

Trisha:
Oh, yes! So did my mom! Don't stop!

Louie:
I... voted for Mike Dukakis...

Trisha:
OH! Who the hell is that?

Louie:
I'm older than every baseball player, except Jamie Moyer... I think he's still playing for the Phillies...

Louie:
Hey, what are you doing?

Laurie:
I'm gonna put out. Let me blow you.

Louie:
Seriously?

Laurie:
No, it's a hidden-camera show. Come on, get that thing out.

Louie:
Okay.

Laurie:
Lick it or I'll break your finger!

Louie:
Okay, okay.