Love and a .45

Watty Watts:
[while robbing a convenience store] I got two pieces of advice for you, small fry: Never believe a word anyone says... and never rob a store with a loaded gun. Never!

Young Clerk:
Yes, sir.

Watty Watts:
That way no one gets hurt.

Watty Watts:
[Narrating] You see, if you want something in life, you gotta' be able to go out there and take it. Nobody's gonna' hand it to you on a plate.

Watty Watts:
[Narrating] When I was a young boy... my granddaddy, who had been a professional bounty hunter, he said to me, "Watty, only two things you need in life to get by on this planet: Love and a 45."

Watty Watts:
[Narrating] Her name is Starlene Cheatham. I'm Watty Watts. We specialize in 'Risk Management.'

Watty Watts:
Well, if it ain't my favorite two homicidal maniacs... Creepy Cody and Dinosaur Bob. How're you boys doin'?

Creepy Cody:
You know, I hate breakfast. It makes me want to puke.

Starlene Cheatham:
Hey, Watt, who was that?

Watty Watts:
Two a**hole Bible salesmen.

Starlene Cheatham:
What'd they want?

Watty Watts:
To save my soul.

Watty Watts:
I've got a problematical situation going on. I borrowed two thousand dollars from Father Pecro to buy that wedding ring.

Billy Mack Black:
See, you're a stupid a**hole.

Watty Watts:
Well, I couldn't help it, man, it was on sale.

Billy Mack Black:
[Offering Watty some sort of drug] Hey, man, you sure you don't want any of this?

Watty Watts:
I don't think it's such a good idea for you to be doin' that sh*t before a job.

Billy Mack Black:
Cleans out my brain.

Watty Watts:
Turns your brain into chewing gum.

[after injecting Billy with a drug]

Dinosaur Bob:
One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three... are you ready to rock, Billy?

Billy Mack Black:
I'm born on a green light, daddy-o!

Watty Watts:
Oh, Christ, Billy. What have you done?

Billy Mack Black:
Oh sh*t! I think I shot her!

Watty Watts:
Do you hear that sound? It's the f***in' cops... and you just blew your girlfriend's brains all over the place.

Billy Mack Black:
She saw my face, man!

Watty Watts:
Shut up!

Watty Watts:
[Narrating] Up until now, I always considered myself happy. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a car and a trailer home. But at this moment I knew my life had taken an unwelcome turn. I'd been a con and a thief for twenty-five years, but I never hurt no one. Billy had violated the code: he'd packed a loaded gun. Speed-snortin' psychopath sittin' next to me, had interrupted the flow of my happiness. He had killed someone in my presence... and in all likelihood, my life had been f***ed.

Watty Watts:
You're crazier than a road lizard, Billy.

Watty Watts:
[Narrating] I regretted having to fork Billy in the neck, but, I swear to God, he'd have shot me if I hadn't. I'd often liked Billy, but he was crazy... And I hoped that he was killed.

Starlene Cheatham:
Watty, are you shittin' me? You're gonna' take me to Mexico?

Watty Watts:
You know you don't have to come with me, Star.

Starlene Cheatham:
Baby, I'd follow you to Oklahoma!

Ranger X:
Simp just had four cups of that *Eye*-talian coffee. He's a little twitchy.

Ranger X:
Yeah, me and Simp were just cruising the neighborhood, and knowing your feeling towards robbing and stealing, well, we just stopped on in to have us a little chat.

Watty Watts:
Well, I've been livin' the straight and narrow so why don't you take your chicken-fried, crypto-fascist ass, out of my f***in' house before I call the cops.

Ranger X:
We ARE the cops, sh*t brain.

Ranger X:
[Holding his pistol point-blank at Watty's head] You know what it feels like to hold a gun up to a punk's head?

Watty Watts:
[Unfazed] I don't really like guns.

Ranger X:
It feels real good!

Ranger X:
[to Watty] You see, I'm on the right side of the law. That means I can get away with murder. "Course, you bein' on the wrong side... that puts you in rather a bad pinch, don't it? I can smell that job all over you, Watts. Like a six-day-old pair of underwear.

Watty Watts:
I didn't do sh*t, man.

Watty Watts:
[narrating] Billy had been right. Once you smell someone fryin'... you can't ever think clearly again.

Watty Watts:
Looks like it's gonna' be a shotgun weddin', hon.

Dinosaur Bob:
[Rating his skill as a tattoo artist] Put a needle in my hand, I'm a regular "Victor" Van Gogh.

Watty Watts:
[Narrating] Vergil ripped his own throat open during a heavy acid trip in the early sixties. Vergil was born poor... and when he read that the government was paying students to participate in experiments with psychedelic drugs... he volunteered. They dosed him with something called BZ... Vergil lost it. He won a huge settlement in court... which allowed him to live well without workin'. Later in his life, Vergil lost the function in his legs due to an amphetamine addiction he acquired while tryin' to lose weight so he could avoid the draft. He threw a clot and lost the use of his legs. But Star's parents have never been addicts... they're just handicapped, suburban hippies.

Vergil Cheatham:
The only way out is in.

Thaylene Cheatham:
Praise the Lord!

Watty Watts:
And the only way to get there is to free yourself... to face the seething, bloodthirsty darkness in your own heart... Have you ever faced yourself in a mirror and gesticulated like a madman, Watty?

Watty Watts:
[Somewhat bemused] Well, Vergil, I can't say I have, as of yet.

Vergil Cheatham:
Until you do, you are nothing. And until you embrace the eternal nothingness of your existence, you will NOT BE FREE! Do you follow my lead?

Watty Watts:
[Still bemused] Well, yeah, Vergil, I think that I do... uh, I'm nothin'... 'til I'm nothin'.

Vergil Cheatham:
[Beaming proudly] Right on!

Dinosaur Bob:
Billy, I have something to confess... I lied about being a tattoo artist. Fact is, I really don't know what the hell I'm doing with this thing!

Billy Mack Black:
No f***in' sh*t.

Dinosaur Bob:
But I would be *glad* to continue, that is, unless you want to give me the *right* answers to my questions.

Tattoo Artist:
Hey, what the f*** is up with y'all? You think you can come in my place and start f***in' with the customers, huh?

[Bob fires a shot into the floor between the Artist's feet]

Dinosaur Bob:
That is *exactly* what I think.

Creepy Cody:
You have a problem with that?

Tattoo Artist:
...No. No, you guys are cool.

Dinosaur Bob:
Sit down and don't speak 'til you're spoken to!