Love and Death

Boris:
And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.

Sonja:
Judgment of any system, or a priori relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.

Boris:
Yes, I've said that many times.

Young Boris:
Don't bother.

Boris:
Sonja, are you scared of dying?

Sonja:
Scared is the wrong word. I'm frightened of it.

Boris:
That's an interesting distinction.

Mother:
He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines.

Boris:
Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.

Drill Sergeant:
You want a dishonorable discharge?

Boris:
Yes sir, either that or a furlough.

Drill Sergeant:
One, two, one, two, one, two.

Boris:
Three is next, if you're having any trouble.

Anton:
Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?

Boris:
I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five.

Anton:
If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.

Boris:
If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.

Anton:
*I* am a man.

Boris:
Well, I mean a much shorter man.

Boris:
I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.

Boris:
I have no fear of the gallows.

Boris:
No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me.

Countess Alexandrovna:
You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris:
Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

Boris:
Yeah, what did you do, place?

Mother:
What is it, Old Nehamkin? You are not looking well.

Boris:
The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that human being are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns about that there is a god, I don't think that he is evil, I think that the worse thing you could say s that he is, basically, an under-achiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about. The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye

Sonja:
Don Francisco?

Don Francisco:
Pardon me?

Sonja:
I'm having trouble adjusting my belt. Do you think you could come over here and hold my bosom for a while?

Natasha:
I never want to marry, I just want to get divorced.

Napoleon:
This is an honor for me.

Boris:
No, it's a greater honor for me.

Napoleon:
No, a greater honor for me.

Boris:
No, it's a greater honor for me.

Napoleon:
No, a greater honor for ME.

Boris:
Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you.

Napoleon:
And you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Sonja:
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Napoleon:
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Sonja:
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Boris:
No, it's a greater honor for me.

Napoleon:
I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.

Boris:
She's a great kidder.

Sonja:
No, you're a great kidder.

Boris:
No, you're Don Francisco's sister.

Boris:
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.

Boris:
In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.

Boris:
Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.

Boris:
If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Sonja:
You were my one great love.

Boris:
Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

Sonja:
What's it like?

Boris:
You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse.

Napoleon:
I heard you speaking to someone.

Sonja:
Oh, I was praying.

Napoleon:
But I heard TWO voices.

Sonja:
Well, I do both parts.

Sonja:
There are many different kinds of love, Boris. There's love between a man and a woman; between a mother and son...

Boris:
Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.

Sonja:
And I want three children.

Boris:
Yes. Yes. One of each.

Anton Inbedkov:
Shall we say pistols at dawn?

Boris Grushenko:
Well, we can say it. I don't know what it means, but we can say it.

Sonja:
He kissed me.

Boris:
Any place I should know about?

Sonja:
He warmed the cockles of my heart.

Boris:
That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.

Boris:
I can't shower with other men.

Sonja:
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

Sonja:
Boris, you can't be serious, you're talking about Mother Russia.

Boris:
She's not my mother. My mother's standing right here, and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.

Mikhail:
Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.

Boris:
No, it's not down, it runs across.

Boris:
If he's gonna test us, why doesn't he give us a written?

Countess Alexandrovna:
Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?

Boris:
I've been in the mood since the late 1700's.

Boris:
Wheat... lots of wheat... fields of wheat... a tremendous amount of wheat...

Boris:
Hey, what is this, Slap Boris Day?

Boris:
Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...

Sonja:
What did you say?

Boris:
Oh, I was just planning my future.

Boris:
Granted, I have a few eccentricities. I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F. Like chicken, for instance.

Sonja:
Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.

Boris:
Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Boris:
We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.

Sonja:
Violence is justified in the service of mankind.

Boris:
Who said that?

Sonja:
Attila the Hun.

Boris:
You're quoting a Hun to me?

Sonja:
What are you suggesting, passive resistance?

Boris:
No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.

Napoleon:
If this pastry is to bear my name, it must be richer. More cream.

Sonja:
I truly think this is the best of all possible worlds.

Boris:
It's certainly the most expensive.

Sergeant:
If they kill more Russians, they win. If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.

Boris Grushenko:
What do we win?

Sonja:
Boris is trying to commit suicide - last week he contemplated inhaling next to an Armenian.

Countess Alexandrovna:
You're disgusting, but I love you.

Boris:
Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.

Sonja:
Morality is subjective.

Sonja:
Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.

Sonja:
Can we not talk about sex so much?

Boris:
If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. Means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whisled at me. I, I have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't htink about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.

Boris:
There's been a mistake! I know, I made it!

Boris:
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.

Sonja:
Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.

Boris:
Ohh, I wish you weren't.

Sonja:
Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.

Boris:
Poor Sonja.

Sonja:
For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room

Boris:
Why? What's in his room? Oh...

Sonja:
And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and...

Boris:
Okay!

Sonja:
Wait, I'm still on the A:s.

Boris:
How many lovers do you have?

Sonja:
In the mid-town area?

Sergeant:
Imagine your loved ones conquered by Napoleon and forced to live under French rule. Do you want them to eat that rich food and those heavy sauces?

Sergeant:
Do you want them to have soufflé every meal and croissant?

Sonja:
Uh... this Anton Inbedkov, he is a good shot isn't he?

Boris:
I'm afraid so.

Sonja:
Well, since this may be your last night on Earth, let's go back to my room and make love.

Boris:
Oh... nice idea! I'll bring the soy sauce.

Boris:
Something's missing.

Doctor:
What?

Boris:
I don't know, I feel a void at the center of my being.

Doctor:
What kind of void?

Boris:
Well... an empty void.

Doctor:
An empty void?

Boris:
Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago but it was just something I ate.

Sonya:
But, if there is no God, then life has no meaning. Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide?

Boris Gruschenko:
Well, let's not get hysterical. I could be wrong. I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the paper that they found something.

Sonja:
Boris, Let me show you how absurd your position is. Let's say there is no God, and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses. What prevents you from murdering somebody?

Boris Grushenko:
Murder's immoral.

Sonja:
Immorality is subjective.

Boris Grushenko:
Yes, but subjectivity is objective.

Sonja:
Not in a rational scheme of perception.

Boris Grushenko:
Perception is irrational. It implies immanence.

Sonja:
But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstracted empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.

Boris Grushenko:
Yeah, I've said that many times.

Him:
Come to my quarters tomorrow at three.

Sonja:
I can't.

Him:
Please.

Sonja:
It is immoral. What time?

Him:
Who is to say what is moral?

Sonja:
Morality is subjective.

Him:
Subjectivity is objective.

Sonja:
Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.

Him:
Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.

Sonja:
Could we not talk about sex so much?

Boris Grushenko:
[sighs] You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think he wears glasses?

Sonja:
Not with those frames.

[Sonja sees Boris standing with death]

Sonja:
Boris! What happened?

Boris Grushenko:
I got screwed.

Sonja:
How?

Boris Grushenko:
I don't know. This vision came and said I was going to get pardoned, and then they shot me.

Sonja:
You were my one great love!

Boris Grushenko:
Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

Sonja:
What's it like?

Boris Grushenko:
What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant?

Sonja:
Yeah.

Boris Grushenko:
It's worse.

Sonja:
That is so jejune!

Boris Gruschenko:
Jejune? You have the temerity to accuse me of quoting to you out of jejunosity? I'm the most june person there is!

Father:
Remember that nice boy next door, Raskolnikov?

Boris:
Yeah.

Father:
He killed two ladies.

Boris:
What a nasty story.

Father:
Bobak told it to me. He heard it from one of the Karamazov brothers.

Boris:
He must have been possessed.

Father:
Well, he was a raw youth.

Boris:
Raw youth, he was an idiot!

Father:
He acted assaulted and injured.

Boris:
I heard he was a gambler.

Father:
You know, he could be your double!

Boris:
Really, how novel.

Boris Grushenko:
Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggor's son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened.

Boris Grushenko:
[writing aloud] "I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas." Too sentimental.

Boris Grushenko:
[to Sonja] Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

Boris Grushenko:
A. Socrates is a man. B. All men are mortal. C. All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Oh, well, I'm not a homosexual. I - I - Once, some - some Cossacks whistled at me. I - I - I happen to have the kind of body that excites both uh persuasions, but uh you know some men are - are heterosexual, and - and - s-some bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all, you know, they're - They become lawyers. My problem is that I - I see both sides of every issue. I'm - I'm too logical. You know, I - I - I, the world is not logical. If it was logical, h-how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I-I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but - but every time I said something, they'd smack me, so you know, heh heh. I-I'm - I'm just wracked with guilt, and I'm - I'm consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. Not only that, but - but I'm developing a uh herpe o-on m-my lip here that is really killing me. [sighs] What to do?

Boris Grushenko:
Then there is a God. Incredible. Moses was right. [A ray of light shines over Boris.] He that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall . . . The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And . . . [Ray of light turns off.] Wait, I have more about the wicked man. [The ray turns on again.] I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched.

I don't know how to edit the Movie Summary, but it is the wrong one for this movie. If the editor in chief would care to change it, it might improve this entry 100%.

Instead it might say, " This is Leo Tolstoy's grand epic "War and Peace" made into a comedy only Woody Allen could deliver, both directing and starring in it. There are moments of artsy satire, aimed at audiences familiar with the close-up experiences of being a grad student at any liberal arts college, reading literature just like this novel, and the experience of being so submerged in that collegiate environment that everything starts to sound like it came from that genre of Russian literature. The film is also liberally sprinkled with plenty of downright goofy scenes meant to keep the cinemas rolling with chuckles. Scenes like a battle of the Franco- Russian war complete with pompommed cheerleaders and hot dog vendors hawking through the ranks. Allen even includes some cameos of himself making prankish faces with his tongue out. But this is no Animal House or Cannonball Run. There is enough of the flavor of the original Russian saga that it remains a priceless tribute to that Tolstoyan tome."