Madea's Big Happy Family

Madea:
Hey, Harold.

Harold:
Hey, Ms. Madea. What's wrong with your car now?

Madea:
Nothing.

Harold:
For real?

Madea:
Nothing's wrong with it at all, except the other day I went out there and put my foot on the gas, and the trunk opened! What the hell is that, Harold? You are triflin' as hell! I'm so tired of bringing my car up in here for you to fix, I am not bringin' it to you no more, do you understand? Not ever again. Every time I go out there in the morning, I try to start my car, do you know what happens? Do you know what happens, Harold? It don't start; I have to pray. You know God don't like me. You know He don't like me, all the hell I done did in my lifetime, you know He don't like me at all, Harold.

Harold:
Alright, let me look at...

Madea:
No, sit down. Do what you do best, sit down. Just stay right where you at. Just plant your ass right there in that chair. Every time I come here, you sittin' in that chair. People waitin' on their cars, you sittin' in that chair. You supposed to be changin' the oil, you sittin' in that chair. Supposed to be changin' the windshield wiper blades, you sittin' in that chair. Supposed to wash the car, you sittin' in that chair. Let me tell you something: when you die, tell them people to bury you on your stomach to give your ass a break!

Madea:
See, y'all Christians is somethin'... y'all go pull out that Bible, but y'all don't know which prescripture to use for which situation. You got to find the right prescripture. There's a prescripture that says, "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so." Have you been redeemed by the Lord?

Shirley:
Yes.

Madea:
That's right, so if you've been redeemed by the Lord, and somebody does something to you that you don't like, even yo' kids, you can beat the hell outta them and just say, "So?" So that's what I'm'a do. I'm'a beat the hell outta them and say, "So?" And I'm'a bring them over here 'cause you've been redeemed, aight. It makes perfect sense, don't it? Halleluyer! Halleluyer!

Aunt Bam:
Let's sing the baby a nursery rhyme... "Row row row your hoe, up and down the street, merrily merrily merrily, she's just a piece of meat."

Madea:
Sit down you black leprechaun looking like you're out of a damn box of chocolate, lucky charms.