Madea Goes to Jail

Madea:
Okay Toni, this is your problem... Madea told Toni to go upstairs... 13 stairs... and call 10 digits to get some help with her homework. Toni said she aint doin' it, set back on the couch, folded 2 of her arms and rolled 2 of her eyes. Madea grabbed Toni by 2 of her ankles, dragged her upstairs, hitting her head on every step. How many bruises will little Toni have by the time she gets to the emergency room at Grady Hospital?

Madea:
You sittin' here looking like 412 pounds... of a clogged artery.

Madea:
If you don't back the hell up off me, I'ma beat you like the dude you look like!

Nate:
Where's the baby?

Vanessa:
In the tub, it's empty... now let's go back to bed.

Nate:
Vanessa!

Vanessa:
What?

Nate:
I hear water running!

Vanessa:
What?

[runs to the bathroom]

Vanessa:
Oh my God! Somebody call 911!

Madea:
Sonny, ain't nobody but your wife and Nate were in this house when the baby was hurt, cut his head and almost drowned in the tub, put it together.

Madea:
Ella come on! Where' you at?

Ella:
Right now?

Madea:
Ride or die, fool! Ride or die! [Ella comes out of the closet] Ella! [singing] Is she up in the closet?

Madea:
[to Toni] I'm gonna set you back a few years, I used to play this game with Cora, more parents need to play this game with their kids. Young kids acting the hell out of control... [empties her bag of belts] We're gonna play a game called 'tear that ass up!'

Pete:
Katie, you know Toni, that daughter of ours, she's been filling out really nice, and she only lives 2 blocks from me.

Madea:
Not anymore, she done moved.

Ella:
Is Madea here?

Vanessa:
No she's not, why don't you come back tomorrow?

Ella:
I'll wait for her.

Vanessa:
I said she's not here, Miss Ella!

Ella:
And I said I'll wait!

Chico:
Where is my meal?

Madea:
I know you can't read but that sign say "Do not feed the monkeys".

Vanessa:
Wow, Miss Ella, you do all the cleaning and cooking and ironing, you're just a regular old slave, aren't you?

Ella:
Uh no dear, no dear, what I AM, is a woman who knows how to treat a man.

Vanessa:
So where is...

Ella:
I ain't got one, I ain't got one.

Toni:
Hey Katie, I mean hello Mama.

Katie:
Mama? What've you been doing to my daughter?

Madea:
I've been tearing that ass up. You know, I don't know what's wrong with folks, ain't anything wrong with these kids, they just need some love and support and discipline. I see people taking in foster kids just to get money off of them, you need to watch how you treat these kids. I don't know who I'm talking to, but there's a lady in this section somewhere, watch how you treat them.

Madea:
Judges got a real attitude with me, they took me to the judge and he said "I'm sick of seeing you", I said "I'm sick of seeing you too". He said "Don't be getting smart with me", I said "I've been smart, I'm just getting here". He said "Say one more thing", I said "Go to hell", he said "Go to jail".

Madea:
It don't matter what people call you. It only matters what you answer to.

Vanessa:
What happened to the love between the two of us?

Sonny:
It ended when the two of us became three.

Vanessa:
I'm sorry, Nate.

Sonny:
Did you just call me Nate?

Vanessa:
No, I said did you feel the earthquake?

Madea:
[to Sonny] I told your mama to let you ride the little bus, she said 'he don't belong on the little bus' I said 'well tell him its a SUV, he needs to be on the little bus'. I went over there one day and he came to the door wearing a helmet, a diaper, cowboy boots, eating Cap'n Crunch out of a bowl with no milk.

Ella:
How old was he?

Madea:
28.

Madea:
Who I am is conflicting with this dress I have on.

Katie:
You know some people just take foster children in to get money from the state.

Madea:
They pay you?

Katie:
Mm-hmm.

Madea:
[considers it] No, no, the only thing that money would be good for is bail.

Madea:
I knew a woman who was married to a man for 38 years, she cheated on him for 42 years, and he died thinking he was the only one.

Vanessa:
[fed up with everybody bothering her, to Sonny] You, 'where's my shirt?' [to Ella] You won't go home, [to Nate] I don't know WHY *you're* here.

Madea:
Hold up Hold up let me sign out. Go. To. Hell.

Madea:
[Beeper goes off] That they gotta check you.

Ella:
Check me?

Madea:
Yeah, go on head and spread em. [Ella slightly spreads her legs apart] Ella. Spread them.

Ella:
I did!

Madea:
That's spread Ella? Drop it like its hot.

Ella:
Madea I don't want to do that in front of all these people. [Ella does the splits] There ya go, spread that, check that.

Madea:
[to Vanessa after smacking her on the side of the head] I don't like you! Say somethin' else smart to me!

Chico:
Excuse me! But where is my food!

Madea:
I know you cant read. But that sign say "Do Not Feed The Monkeys"

Sonny:
[in a funk after Vanessa left him] I just don't... What am I supposed to do now?

Madea:
You got to go on with your life. It's all right to sit around and be depressed for a minute, cry about it, do whatever you have to but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. You know what? This is what I learned in all these years on this earth. If somebody want to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO. Especially if you know that you done everything you can do. You done sat around and been the best man or the best woman you can be and they still want to go, let them go. Whatever they're running after, they'll see what they had in a minute, but by then it's gonna be too late. 'Cuz you'll sit there and you'll go... Because half of these people, you be sitting around crying about it, worrying about it and then two or three years from now you ain't even gonna remember their last name. How many times you done see folks somewhere and you be like 'What the hell was I thinking? I done been there, I was like what was wrong with me? What was I going through? I must have been lonely as hell to hook up with you'. Let folks go, Sonny. Some people'll come in your life for a lifetime, and some'll come for a season. You got to know which is which. And you're gonna always mess up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. They got people that got married to people they was only supposed to be with for a season and they wonder why they're having so much hell in their life. That was the person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love and now you wonder why you don't have no peace anywhere you go. No, noooo! Listen, I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. If the wind blows, they're over here, they're unstable. Blow the other way, they're over here. if seasons change, they wither and die, they're gone. But that's alright, that's some people. Most people in the world are like that. They're just there to take from the tree, they ain't there to do nothing but take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. They ain't never gonna be nothing, that's what they put on this earth for, to be what they are: A LEAF. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too because they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think that they're a good friend and they're real strong. But the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and they'll leave you high and dry. But if you find two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree, you are blessed because they're the kind of people who ain't going nowhere. They ain't worried about being seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they're doing for you. But if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live, you understand? A tree can have a hundred million branches but only a few roots down at the bottom to make sure it gets everything they need. I'm telling you, Sonny, when you get you some roots, you better hold on to them because the rest of them, you let them go. Let folks go!

Sonny:
Aunt Madea, it's not always that easy.

Madea:
Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy, but it will get easy when you learn how to love yourself. When you get to a point in your life where you look at people and you go 'Okay wait a minute. You or me?', you will make a decision. When you telling folks to do something... Now I've never thrown nobody away, I've never in my life just thrown anybody away saying 'Don't bother me no more, don't talk to me no more', I've never done that. What I DO is tell them, 'Look, this thing you doing right here is gonna cause a problem. You need to fix that because if we're gonna be friends and gonna be cool, you need to fix that. And if you don't, we're gonna have an issue'. If you see somebody fix it or even trying to fix it, that's somebody that cares. Keep those people around, that's a leaf that's trying to grow up and be something else. But if you tell somebody 'What you're doing is hurting me and I need you to stop' and they keep doing it, they don't care. Move on, let them go! No matter how much it hurts, let them go. And it'll get easier, I promise you. Every day, it'll get easier and easier and easier, you just have to make it through. You hear me, Sonny?

Sonny:
Yeah.

Madea:
You see, some people just gotta learn to be by themselves. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand all these people crying about 'I need somebody. Lord, where is my man, Lord where is my woman'. That is crazy as hell! If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it! SHUT UP AND WAIT! Go work on YOU! Hell, that's what that time is for, to get YOURSELF together! I'd rather be in a corner by myself with a puppy and a goldfish and be happy than to be sitting around with somebody in my house and wondering what the hell they there for. You will be surprised with the things that people put up with just to have somebody say that they love them. I don't understand that! I can't live in dysfunction, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I done been through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up in my adult life where I'm supposed to be at peace and give me all sorts of hell. There's only two places on earth that you're gonna have peace: the grave and your house. If you can't walk up in your house and you ain't got no peace, then something's wrong. I'm sorry. People be rebuking Satan, I'll be rebuking Satan and beating the hell out of everything that's up in there until they get out. 'I'm sorry, you gots to go. This is mine'. You hear me, Sonny?

Sonny:
Yeah, I hear you, Madea.

Madea:
You better hear me, That's for sure!