Mama's Family

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Good Lord!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Good lord, Vinton, what in the hell do you think you're doing?

Vinton Harper:
Well Mama... I'm trying to guess your weight...

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
I've got a better idea Vinton... how about you guess which hand I'm gonna smack you upside the head with.

[Vint pawned Mama's silver to bail his friend, Claude Cainmaker, whom Mama despises, out of jail]

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Good Lord in heaven! You robbed me for that bum!

Vinton Harper:
I didn't rob anybody! And he is not a bum. He is a man of vision and integrity and belief in his fellow human beings!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Well, what did he need that money for?

Vinton Harper:
Bail!

[during loud arguments]

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Well, Buzz, I believe you've gotten taller behind my back.

Vinton Harper:
Sorry.

Naomi Oates Harper:
Magic moments between a man and a woman are spiritual and ought not to be screwed with.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
My dogs are barkin'.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
From now on if we have any backstabbing to do were going to do it the way we have always done it face to face.

Vinton Harper:
Thanks a lot, Mama!

[repeated line]

Iola Lucille Boyland:
Knock, knock.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
The only way to keep from goin' crazy in this house is to stay half lit.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
I tell ya, a guy selling brains could clean up in this family.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
From now on, I'm not gonna give my family anything but hell!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
I wanna kill myself! Quick! Gimme somethin' Naomi made!

Vinton Harper:
Here, Mama. Try one of these Spam and anchovy sandwiches.

Vinton Harper:
Y'know, last night was the first night that Naomi and I didn't... didn't... well, you know, we didn't...

Aunt Fran Crowley:
There goes the Guinness Book of Records.

Bubba Higgins:
Grandma doesn't give me any rights!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
You have the right to remain silent.

[Vint bought a fishing rod instead of a bed that Naomi wanted]

Naomi Oates Harper:
Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.

Vinton Harper:
You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!

Eunice Higgins:
Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? All I do is cook and clean!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Well, hell, you can't even do that!

Eunice Higgins:
You're skatin' on thin ice old lady!

Iola Lucille Boyland:
[to Vint's boss Mr. Carstairs] I'm sure your wife will understand if you just explain it to her. [Mrs. Carstairs blows the car horn outside] Or maybe not.

Eunice Higgins:
If you want your talent appreciated in this world, you gotta go to Broadway!

Ellen Jackson:
Aunt Fran, Mama has some good news and bad news. The bad news is... there isn't any good news.

Ellen Jackson:
Vinton, do you know what you get when you put your brain and my brain together? My brain.

Naomi Oates Harper:
Aren't you going to introduce your family?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Not if I can help it.

Naomi Oates Harper:
Oh, you just love to put people down, don't you, Mrs. Harper?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
It is not only a pleasure, I see it as my duty!

Naomi Oates Harper:
Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?

Sonja Harper:
Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
For 50 years I have been in charge of Christmas. I've jingled your bells and I've roasted your chestnuts. This Christmas you goons can just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.

Iola Lucille Boyland:
I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.

Bubba Higgins:
Yeah, and it balances it out, too.

Naomi Oates Harper:
I love a Boy's Choir at Christmas.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
That's 'cause you've never had to sit through one.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Well what the hell are you waiting for? Open up the door and let the good times roll...

Ellen Jackson:
Vint, I don't ever lend money. Not ever. I just don't. Ever.

Vinton Harper:
Getting the right message isn't easy, it could take all night.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
The hell you say. [presses record button] It's your dime, spill it!

Bubba Higgins:
Grandma, you've got to admit it... There's nothing like the tree to get you into that Christmas spirit.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Yeah, sure, nothing gives me more comfort and joy than cleaning up pine needles for two weeks.

[repeated line]

Eunice Higgins:
Old lady, this time, you've gone too far!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Franny, don't drink if you can't hold your hooch!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
[after having been robbed by a burglar named The Courteous Crook] He's been in there! He's actually been in my bathroom!

Iola Lucille Boyland:
Did he take anything?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
No, he cleaned up!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
He even put on a new roll of toilet paper... and the right way too - from the bottom out!

Iola Lucille Boyland:
I always thought it was supposed to roll over the top...

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
[Repeated line] What kind of a smut show is this?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
There is a strange woman buried next to my husband!

Mr. Pitts:
Is that Harper with an H?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Of course it's Harper with an H, if it wasn't, it'd be just Arper.

Ellen Harper Jackson:
Can't you bury people in alphabetical order?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Every night I say a little prayer for Carl to be happy. What a hell of a way to answer my prayers.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[Effie won't eat] Effie, do you remember when my mama was so sick she was in the hospital? You pulled me aside and you said 'Thelma, take her home, she's never going to get better in this place'. The doctor insisted she stay and Carl and the kids didn't want the inconvenience so I left her there and she never come out. [Effie looks to Thelma] I'm not going to let that happen to you, Effie, so just open up and eat. [Effie still won't eat the oatmeal] Effie, why won't you meet me halfway? [eats the oatmeal] Well no wonder, this stuff is God awful.

Naomi Oates Harper:
Since Aunt Effie came here, I've lost time at work.

Bubba Higgins:
I've had to wear wrinkled clothes!

Iola Lucille Boylen:
I had to get a tetanus shot!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
What would you like for dinner, kiddo?

Aunt Effie Harper:
Oatmeal!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I think she's still a little confused. I'm sure she means meatloaf.

Aunt Effie Harper:
[puts the last piece in Vint's puzzle] All done, bozo!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I was on my way up to Effie's room and I decided to stop in at the gift shop when lo and behold, there Effie was standing in a daze with the back of her gown wide open!

Naomi Oates Harper:
You're kidding!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Swear to God, it's a good thing I was there otherwise she'd probably still be mooning those M&Ms.

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Swell, I'll just serve these after supper if anyone has room

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
And so then just 2 days after she'd spent 600 bucks in medical tests giving her a clean bill of health, poor thing, her heart gives out she drops dead right in the middle of making potato salad.

Vinton Harper:
Kids. Nothing but grief.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
It never gets better.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well, there's still some pudding in there, sweetie. I put a little maraschino cherry in each one of them just the way like you like it.

Naomi Oates Harper:
You can go to night school!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I cannot. I'm too old.

Vinton Harper:
Well not for night school. They take any age as long as you're dumb enough.

Punker #1:
[the band that was supposed to come to the dance is unavailable to come. Mama, Fran and Naomi are recruited to take over] I need Medication!

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well, you're getting Medicare!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I've had problems with all of my in-laws. Of course, I never could respect anybody who'd marry one of my kids.

Vinton Harper:
Uh, What ya looking for mama?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
I can't remember where i put the soup bone.

Vinton Harper:
Gee, i guess you're becoming forgetful in your old age.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Maybe so, lately it's been slipping in my mind to slap you silly.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
It's your dime. Spill it!

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[to Vint] There's got to be more to life than sittin' around all day watching "Days of Our Lives" and folding your Fruit of the Looms.

The Clerk:
Do you know how to answer the phone?

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
No. Usually when it rings at my house I run around in a little circle and yell What'll I do? What'll I do? What'll I do?

The Clerk at the License Center:
Now listen. I don't have to give you a license! Next!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Oh now just a minute here! You listen up you chromedome! My taxes pay your salary and as your boss I'm telling you you either gimme that license or I'm gonna get you a new job as a reflector button on the highway!

Naomi Oates Harper:
I'm a checker at food circus.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Oh my Lord.

Iola Lucille Boylen:
It's someone who works with Naomi.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
You Birdbrain it is Naomi!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I got a call from a woman down the street I thought died years ago.

Vinton Harper:
No it's not the dead bolt of quick keys!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[phone rings Bubba answers it] Well who is it?

Bubba Higgins:
It's a bunch of guys laughing and singing I can't get no satisfaction.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Hang up that phone!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
You had to go and blab to every yahoo in Raytown!

Naomi Oates Harper:
You don't suppose Vinton heard too do you?

Vinton Harper:
[Comes in the front door slamming it] Naomi!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
There is a distinct possibility.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Getting on TV and saying stuff that would make Phil Donahue blush.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Good LORD teenage vixens,conglomerate takeovers,crumbling marriages this could be an episode of Dynasty.

Eddie Edwards:
Burt Wimbley 35 cents and finally Mary Jane Youngblood a whopping $8.50 shame on you Mary Jane.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I don't allow no weirdos on the phone unless it's family.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Good Lord, woman, you must have 2 cups of buttermilk in here, where the hell's the flour?

Lolly Purdue:
Don't you dare laugh at me, I was elected president, not pastry chef.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Oh get off your high horse, Lolly, any fool can follow a recipe.

Lolly Purdue:
Not this fool!... I can't read.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
What do you mean you can't read? Something wrong with your eyes?

Lolly Purdue:
My eyes are fine, I just can't read, Thelma, I never learned how.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well why not? Didn't you learn in school?

Lolly Purdue:
I was the oldest of 12 kids in my family, and I got pulled out of school because Mom needed help with the babies, and... shoot, by the times the babies were raised, I was married and had a couple of my own.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Yeah, when you got two little ones in diapers, there's not much time for anything else.

Lolly Purdue:
And when they got in school, I was ashamed to tell them their mama couldn't read.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
What about your husband?

Lolly Purdue:
Harley doesn't know either.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I guess he must've never asked you to make him scones.

Lolly Purdue:
I've had years of practice at faking it. Harley does all the paperwork, I convinced him he had such a good head for business. Men will believe anything. And I'm forever pretending I forgot my glasses or misplaced directions, or saying I don't understand, so folks won't catch on.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well boy you sure had me fooled, I just thought you were going senile.

Lolly Purdue:
You'd be amazed at how many doors are closed when you can't read or write.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[reading the note from Lolly's grandson] Dear Meemaw, Fort Worth is okay, I start second grade. We have ants in the sink. Say hi to Boompa. Hugs and kisses, Bobby. P.S., please write back.'

Lolly Purdue:
I'll have Boompa write a note to him in the morning.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well the hell you will, he doesn't want a note from Boompa, he wants to hear from Meemaw.

Lolly Purdue:
But I can't!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Listen, if you're smart enough to fake it for all these years, you're smart enough to read and write.

Lolly Purdue:
You really think so?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Why sure! Where's that magazine? I had it sitting here. Ladies Circle, got Barbara Bush on the cover, here it is, don't you just love her hair?

Lolly Purdue:
Yes, I'm going to keep my natural when it goes gray.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Yeah, me too. Well anyway she's got a whole article in here where she talks about how you can teach grownups to read and write. Here it is, it's called Operation Literacy and she explains how you can set up a program in your school or your church. Why don't you just take it home and... never mind, I'll tell you all about it.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Forget it, Vinton! I can't stand my own kids much less somebody else's.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Some people just can't separate their professional careers from their home life.

Naomi Oates Harper:
I don't have a home life! I have a basement life!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well, get down it in where you belong.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Thelma Harper takes a dive for nobody.

Vinton Harper:
You just made a total jackass out of yourself just 'cuz I asked you.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well that's alright Vinton. You've always done the same for me and I've never even had to ask.

Bubba Higgins:
I have to make a video for my sociology class.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well it better not be one of them trashy music videos with a bunch of misfits in spandex gyrating in the fog.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well, it's a shame that the Marx Brothers ain't around anymore. Shoot, I could be Mamo.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Naomi I would like to have a word with you.

Naomi Oates Harper:
I'm afraid I may have left the solution on a little long.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
A little long? You've turned me into a human Q-tip!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Now be careful, Naomi, it could be a wild man with a gun to kill us all!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Where did you get that jacket? Was Sitting Bull having a garage sale?