Mammoth

Sheriff Morrison:
God is for Sunday, Frank. Today we pray to Nike. Run!

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
Do either of you have kids? Let me enlighten you. If you have a boy you only have to worry about one... weiner. You have a girl, you worry, oh you do, about every weiner in the hot dog cart, okay?

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear, if you gave her the weed, I will neuter you!

Simon Abernathy:
The monkey's a guy!

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
We have an alien possessed mammoth on the loose and if don't stop it the government is going to kill all of us.

Simon Abernathy:
[laughs hysterically]... That's cute.

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
We've got an alien-controlled mammoth on the loose here, and if we don't kill it the government is going to blow us all up.

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
Can I be frank with you?

Agent Powers:
You are, Frank.

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
I know!

Sheriff Morrison:
[Shocked as attempt to stop creature fails] Son of a b*tch!

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
Dear God!

Sheriff Morrison:
God is for Sunday Frank. Today we pray to Nike. Run!

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
I'm no hero.

Agent Powers:
Heroes aren't made Frank, they're cornered!

Floyd:
[after putting severed, frozen, alien possessed, human hand in the microwave oven] The popcorn setting works best!

Agent Powers:
...[your grandfather's]... frozen, all of his vitals are normal; a kind of suspended animation.

Jack Abernathy:
Well, 'The Empire Strikes Back' was always his favorite movie! [referring to Han Solo being frozen in said film] .

Sheriff Morrison:
[to the men in black] , And just what is your jurisdiction?

Agent Whitaker:
[while flashing badge] Earth

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
[after missing daughter's b-day] So what do I do?

Simon Abernathy:
Stop being a wienie!

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
Don't say wienie.

Jack Abernathy:
My father is defective.

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
Milkshakes for everyone! Not her, she gets nothing.

Dr. Frank Abernathy, Agent Powers:
[after his father, Simon mumbles something incoherent] 'What?'

Agent Powers:
He said 'Don't trust these government stooges,' in pig latin. Does he suffer from dementia?

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
I wish!

Simon Abernathy:
Don't get her pregnant on the first date son!

Dr. Frank Abernathy:
Ok. See you later, dad.

Deputy Bud:
[examining body in the road] . He looks like he had his insides sucked out his nose or something...

Deputy Dino:
Well the sheriff said we'd see something peculiar out here.

Deputy Bud:
What's that supposed to mean?

Deputy Dino:
Oh, shut up!

Deputy Bud:
[while hunting the giant, killer mammoth in the dark woods] Hey D, ya think there's any spiders out here?

Deputy Dino:
You're afraid of spiders?