Mathnet

[opening narration]

Narrator:
The story you are about to see is a fib, but it's short. The names are made up, but the problems are real.

Narrator:
[closing line of Morris Norris's mugshot sequence] He spent the next 20 years in rock 'n roll... he piles rocks and he eats rolls.

Narrator:
[closing line of I. M. Peeved's mugshot sequence] He went to prison, where he learned to like math, teaches it to others, and has become an advisor to a show called Square One TV.

Narrator:
Wellworth Watching, also known as Vicious Vinnie Vermin, was tried and convicted of a 417, breaking and entering a computer, an 812, using Emmett Kelly's makeup to misinform kids and a 714.33, contaminating data. He was sent away from society for a gosh-darn long time.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Who do they think you are, George?

Officer George Frankly:
[Outraged] John Q. Public. That's who. And I've got some rights. [Normal voice] Oh. Good morning, Kate. How was your weekend?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Not as outrageous as yours. What's wrong with you? I've never seen you act this way before.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Morning, George. Spill something on your tie?

Officer George Frankly:
Thanks, I already did. Morning, Kate.

Wellworth Watching:
Now, look at this chart.

Officer George Frankly:
What is that?

Wellworth Watching:
A chart.

Wellworth Watching:
There are 13 million people in the greater Los Angeles area.

Officer George Frankly:
And they all shop at my mall on Saturday.

Officer George Frankly:
Who was that masked man?

Officer George Frankly:
[repeats the Mike Pliers motto with the young girl] When you're surrounded by creeps and liars, grab your decoder and call Mike Pliers!

Sgt. Kate Monday:
We'd been working on a case that involved television personalities, television programs and television ratings, but it wasn't as meaningless as it sounds. In fact, it was rather complicated.

Officer George Frankly:
Listen, kids! There are five Great Lakes! Springfield is the capital of Illinois, and when you multiply any number by 0 the answer is always 0!

Wellworth Watching:
Are you finished?

Officer George Frankly:
No, you are! [Revealing Vicious Vinnie as Wellworth]

Sgt. Kate Monday:
You know something, partner?

Officer George Frankly:
What's that?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Wellworth Watching was...

Sgt. Kate Monday, Officer George Frankly:
Well worth watching! [They Laugh]

Sgt. Kate Monday:
George, I watched that other kids' show on TV last night, The Vicious Vinnie Show.

Officer George Frankly:
What did you think?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Pretty bad.

Officer George Frankly:
Bad? When it's good, it's bad, it's never good. It's disgusting.

Officer George Frankly:
You said you might have some interesting information about gems.

Louie Jerris:
Then it must be true, I'm not a kid who guys around about jewels. I mean, I'm not a guy who kids around about jewels.

[Louie takes a pearl, puts it in his mouth, grinds his teeth on it, then spits it out]

'Mad Dog' Fist:
I knew he was squirrely, but I thought they ate acorns.

Louie Jerris:
This is a test to see if the pearl is real or an imitation. Real pearls contain micro-crystals which come to the surface and grate on the teeth.

Sgt. Pat Tuesday:
Well?

Louie Jerris:
This one is as smooth as a baby's... uh, knee. The pearl is a phony!

Officer George Frankly:
[George and Kate are trying to figure out a way to contact the Masked Avenger, who wishes to remain anonymous] Kate, what if... what if you wanted to know my phone number? What would you do?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
I'd ask you. [George gives her a look that says "No good"] Oh. All right, I'd look it up in the phone book.

Officer George Frankly:
Exactly.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
George, you don't honestly believe that a man who has shrouded himself in mystery and anonymity for all these years would...

Officer George Frankly:
I know it's a long shot, but what the heck? Why not begin with common sense?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
You're going to just start calling numbers, George?

Officer George Frankly:
That'd be one way to find him, I guess.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
George, I happen to know that there are more than 7 million phone numbers listed in the New York phone book.

Officer George Frankly:
That's a lot.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Do you know how many numbers are listed on each page in the phone book? About 600.

Officer George Frankly:
600?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Yes. Say you could call what? Six numbers in a minute? And just ask if you'd reach the Avenger?

Officer George Frankly:
Sounds about right.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Six hundred divided by six, one hundred. One hundred minutes. That's an hour and forty minutes per page, George. How many pages are in that phone book?

Officer George Frankly:
[George takes a look] Almost 1700.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
[Kate gets out her calculator and starts crunching numbers] 1700 pages, at an hour and two thirds per page, that's 1700 hours plus two thirds more. Two thirds of that is about 1133, plus the 1700, is 2833. George, it would take you 2833 hours to call every number in that phone book.

Officer George Frankly:
Uh huh.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
There are 24 hours in a day, that's 118 days. And that's just the phone book for one borough! I'll be at the largest, but there are four other boroughs in New York. So, although it would be a bit of an overestimate, it nevertheless comes to 590 days to call every number in the five boroughs, and that doesn't even take into account all the unlisted numbers, and eating! [Kate puts her calculator away, as George glances down at one of the pages in the phone book]

Officer George Frankly:
Ah, here it is. Avenger, The Masked.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
What? [George starts dialing as a baffled Kate stares at him]

Peter Pickwick:
Same number again, Mr. Moose?

Edwin Moose:
Yes Peter, 86.

Peter Pickwick:
Eighty-six it is! Eighty-six it is!

Officer George Frankly:
You like the copy business, Mr. Pickwick?

Peter Pickwick:
Oh yes! Of course it isn't very original. Heh-heh-heh! Copyperson's joke. Copyperson's joke!

Officer George Frankly:
Uh huh. Tell it a lot, do you?

Peter Pickwick:
Oh, sure! Of course at conventions, it can get pretty tired. Pretty tired

Officer George Frankly:
They have copyperson's conventions?

Peter Pickwick:
You bet! I just got back from one a month ago in Walla-Walla! Walla-Walla!

Officer George Frankly:
I'd like to use your joke, you know, about copying not being very original, if you don't mind.

Peter Pickwick:
Be my guest! Be my guest!

Peter Pickwick:
[the copier dings that it is ready] Here you are Mr. Moose. [George notices the counter] . Eighty-six... Eighty-six.

Edwin Moose:
Thank you Peter! See you tomorrow!

Officer George Frankly:
Notice anything funny in there?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
You mean besides Peter Pickwick?

Officer George Frankly:
I mean about the copy machine.

Edwin Moose:
What about it?

Officer George Frankly:
I looked at the counter. You know, the gadget that registers how many copies it makes?

Edwin Moose:
Yes, eighty-six right?

Officer George Frankly:
No, it registered eighty-seven. One extra. Peter Pickwick may be our crook.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
May be our crook. Let's put a tail on him.

Edwin Moose:
Put a tail on him!

Narrator:
[Camera cuts to Peter Pickwick's mugshot] Peter Pickwick was tried in Manhattan, in and for the city of New York, and convicted of a 155.40: Grand larceny in the second degree,

[Pickwick nods]

Narrator:
And a 165.52: Criminal possession of stolen property.

[Pickwick nods again]

Narrator:
[Camera cuts to Barney Oldmeal's mugshot] Barney Oldmeal was tried an convicted of a 140.20, a 155.30, and a 165.45: Doing bad things. Both were put away from society and parking meters for a good long time, making automobile parking a safer thing to do for all New Yorkers.

Edgar Bergman:
[as Charlie McShtick, about the currently-mute Edgar] Once I thought I saw his lips move, but...

Officer George Frankly:
Better to know news than not know news even if the news we know is not nice.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Well, Spiro Gearloose, your dream finally came true. The SWI is launched.

Spiro Gearloose:
Yes, Ms. Monday, but not for long.

Officer George Frankly:
What do you mean?

Spiro Gearloose:
Having seen the trouble my invention caused, I feel deeply that there are some things with which no man should mettle.

[Spiro flicks a switch on his briefcase, activating a blinking light that says 'Destroy'. The plane then explodes in mid-air]

Sgt. Kate Monday:
You blew up your own invention.

Spiro Gearloose:
Yes. But there will be other inventions! I'm working on an electric tree!

Officer George Frankly:
An electric tree?

Spiro Gearloose:
It has the facility to burn itself up, so people won't have to have fireplaces anymore! Whoosh! Ciao!

[Spiro exits, laughing hysterically]

Officer George Frankly:
You know, Kate? I think Spiro Gearloose...

Sgt. Kate Monday, Officer George Frankly:
Has a gear loose!

[George and Kate high five]

Benny Pill:
Adversity often brings out the best in a person. You know, the underdog rises up to smite the favorite. The team rallies to find that it's not a collection of individuals, but a close-knit well-oiled machinery. When the odds are against them, they stand tall and lash out, withering their opponents, and crushing them into a helpless, worthless pile of gelatinous GUNK!

Sgt. Pat Tuesday:
Benny! What a moving statement!

Officer George Frankly:
Do you really think the Rowdies can do it?

Benny Pill:
Not in 2,000 years.

Painter:
Don't touch the ceiling!

Sgt. Kate Monday:
If the ball was lost yesterday, it probably bounced off the sign.

Officer George Frankly:
Right, and ricocheted over to Mr. MacGregor's porch. Probably right through the open door. So it's inside the house.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Right, but the house is missing. What does that tell us?

Officer George Frankly:
Somebody wanted that baseball real bad.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
What else?

Officer George Frankly:
We find the house, we got the ball.

Narrator:
Clarence Sampson was arrested for filching the house, which he was made to return. And he was found guilty of baseball theft and sentenced to an appropriate number of years away from society.

[phone rings, George answers it]

Officer George Frankly:
Mathnet. Who? Scarlett? No, this isn't Kate. It's Frankly, Scarlett, and I don't give... oh, General Scarlett. I see. [George writes something down] Thank you, sir.

[George is on the phone with Mrs. MacGregor]

Officer George Frankly:
Ma'am, we have reason to believe the baseball is in your house. Do you mind if we come over and look around?

Mrs. MacGregor:
Not really. But that's easier said than done.

Officer George Frankly:
How's that, ma'am?

Mrs. MacGregor:
My house has been stolen!

[George enters the office, sees Kate sitting at the desk]

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
Good morning, Kate. You're here awfully early this morning.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Couldn't sleep. I've been worrying about the case against you.

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
That's good of you. To worry about me, I mean.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
What are friends for? Listen, George, let's get the facts. All the evidence says that you robbed the Next to the Last National Bank.

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
Uh-huh.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
So that leaves us with two alternatives. One is that you did it.

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
Uh-huh. And the other is?

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Someone wants to make us think you did it.

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
And whoever that is has done a heck of a good job.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
But who would want to do a thing like that?

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
It would have to be somebody who's pretty mad at me, I guess.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Has anybody ever threatened or vowed to get even with you for something?

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
No. Mr. Beasley, my right side neighbour got kind of mad when I ran over his lawn mower.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Was he angry enough to do this to you?

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
No, I don't think so. I guess I could ask him, but he isn't speaking to me.

Sgt. Kate Monday:
When did it happen?

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
Nineteen seventy four or five.

[George has been proven innocent of bank robbery. Kate shakes hands with George]

Sgt. Kate Monday:
Partner, justice has won out.

[Debbie shakes hands with George]

Debbie Williams:
Congratulations, George. We all knew you were innocent.

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
Thanks, everybody.

[Chief Thad Greene shakes hands with George]

Chief Thad Green:
One thing, George. Next time you take a vacation, do me a favour.

Officer George Earnest Frankly:
Yes, Chief?

Chief Thad Green:
Take a witness along with you.

[They all laugh, as Kate and George high five]

Officer George Frankly:
There once was a bank named Last National, which installed an alarm, which was rational. It went off with a roar, people ran out the door, what a bad place to trust with your cash and all.

Officer George Frankly:
A disaster that won't be forgotten was a bank and some eggs that were rotten. The Average Bank smell made the customers yell and stuff up their noses with cotton.

Officer George Frankly:
Farmer's Bank is a place with a sprinkler. It'll put out a fire in a twinkler. But it got people wet, made them fume, made them fret, and withdraw all their cash in a winkler.

Officer George Frankly:
The L.A. Savings and Trust is a building all covered with rust. Those fools who were in it lost dough in a minute, and all the depositors cussed.