Men Behaving Badly

Tony:
[Tony has been trying to tattoo himself with a darning needle] It was going to read "Deborah, I love you", but now I'm just going for "Deb".

Tony:
[trying to get Deborah to sleep with him, she is into astrology at the time] I must lie down here in conjunction with you...

Gary Strang:
Bed? Beds are for sleepy people! Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!

Tony:
Why does Dorothy still live with her parents?

Gary Strang:
Her Mother keeps threatening to kill herself if she moves out, I think she should risk it.

Neville:
[doing a crossword puzzle] Twelve across, five letters, god. That's got to be Jesus, right?

Tony:
They're not the same thing, though, are they?

Neville:
Yeah, Jesus is the same as God, isn't he? A bit younger.

Gary Strang:
Let's face it Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.

Dermot:
See the graffiti in the gents has reached new heights of literacy.

Gary Strang:
Oh yeah, whats it say?

Dermot:
"West-Ham is a poof".

Dorothy:
You really are a yob aren't you Gary?

Gary Strang:
On the contrary, I think I'm remarkably sensitive.

Dorothy:
Oh, that must be why you refer to Luciano Pavarotti as "that fat git".

Deborah:
Oh look Tony I'm really sorry if I've hurt you.

Tony:
How do you mean?

Deborah:
Oh, y'know, me going out with Ray.

Tony:
Hardly even noticed to be honest.

Deborah:
So why did you open the window and shout "get lost smug estate agent bastard" at him?

Tony:
No, you see that wasn't him, that was this other estate agent on the other side of the road.

Deborah:
And he says he caught you pushing potato peelings through his car window.

Tony:
Oh yeah, I did do that. What, so you want me to stop?

George:
Y'know, I think marriage is tremendous.

Gary Strang:
I hate to be cynical George, but you think Croydon is tremendous.

Gary Strang:
[talking about women's pain threshold] I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.

Dorothy:
Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.

Dorothy:
[Tony has just asked her what being pregnant is like] Everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.

Gary Strang:
I have just accidentally knocked out the midwife.

Tony:
[Drunk] DEBORAH! I F***ING LOVE YOU!

Dorothy:
Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?

Gary Strang:
How do you mean, "woman"?

Dorothy:
A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".

Carol:
Women like sex too you know Gary.

Gary Strang:
Oh, do you!

Gary Strang:
[to a near-blind Tony] So washing your contact lenses in Fuzzy Peach shower gel isn't a good idea, then?

Deborah:
I thought people who lived in the country didn't lock their doors.

Mr. Wadey:
Ah, well I'm a miserable bastard. [re: the milk] That'll be a pound.

Deborah:
A pound? That's a bit much isn't it?

Mr. Wadey:
You wouldn't say that if you'd had to park your combine harvester in Safeways car park.

Deborah:
We're renting the caravan for the weekend.

Tony:
Are you Mr Wadey, the farmer?

Mr. Wadey:
No, I'm Mr Wadey the supermodel.

Gary Strang:
[upon finding out John has scratched one of his Barry White albums] What's that?

John:
Oh yeah, huh, sorry.

Gary Strang:
Sorry? Barry's face looks like it's been under a train and you're sorry?

Mandy:
Oh it's only scratched the surface of the record.

Gary Strang:
Yeah, that's where the needle goes you silly b*tch!

Dorothy:
It's not important.

Gary Strang:
I know it's not.

Dorothy:
Well, actually, it is if we're trying for a baby.

[an idea to get customers into the pub]

Tony:
Karaoke!

Ken:
[Dubiously] Japanese Suicide Night?

Gary Strang:
Do you remember "The Magic Roundabout"?

others:
Yeah...

Gary Strang:
What the hell was that all about?

Gary Strang:
You know Felicity Kendell?

Deborah:
Yes.

Gary Strang:
She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?

Deborah:
Yes.

Deborah:
What are you thinking?

Tony:
I was just wondering what colour your bush is.

Deborah:
What?

Tony:
I was just wondering what car rubbish is.

Dorothy:
Maybe I should move down here.

Gary Strang:
Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.

Dorothy:
What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Gary Strang:
That's a bit unfair.

Dorothy:
Oh, look at those lovely hedges.

Gary Strang:
...So what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Ken:
This is Ken

Tony:
What's happening Ken?

Ken:
Exciting new interior.

Tony:
What was wrong with the old one?

Ken:
Well the brewery did some market research and classified it as........ a craphole!