Men in Black 3

Agent K:
I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.

Agent J:
[on phone] So what, are there some secrets out there that the universe don't know about?!

Agent K:
There are things out there you don't need to know about.

Agent J:
That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!

Agent J:
I'm looking for K, have you seem him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman, smiles like this...

[J makes a poker face]

O:
K's been dead for over forty years.

Boris rides down a boardwalk on his motorcycle

Male Hippie:
Cool ride, man. Reaches his hand to the motorcycle

Boris:
I wouldn't if you want to keep that.

Female Hippie:
Make love, not war!

Boris:
I prefer to do both.

Both hippies laugh.

Boris:
Forces an awkward laugh, then the hippies stare as him awkwardly. He laughs again, and once more as he drives off.

Agent J:
You need...to turn the electricity on that @#!*% thing. Can't taste my friggin' tongue, K!

Young Agent K:
How do you know my name?

Agent J:
That's not an eye exam K that's a big-assed Neuralizor.

Young Agent K:
You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.

Young Agent K:
Last chance, Who are you and what do you know?

Agent J:
I am an agent of "Men in Black" but I'm from the future. We're partners 25 years from now you're gonna recruit me and 14 years after, the guy you didn't let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him so we really need to go right now!

Young Agent K:
[after a pause] Alright.

Agent J:
So that's the story you believe?

[referring to everyone at the party in The Factory]

Agent J:
Is there anybody here who is not an alien?

[as they look around them J notices a man that looks like Andy Warhol taking photos]

Agent J:
Is that Andy Warhol?

Young Agent K:
Yep.

Andy Warhol:
Who's that guy? [referring to J] Okay, don't tell me he's your new partner.

Young Agent K:
Actually, he's my old partner. He travelled back from the future to save the planet...

Andy Warhol:
Jesus! Stop, don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

Andy Warhol:
So what are you doin' on my turf, K?

Young Agent K:
Tracking a killer, a Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he's gonna hit here next, Glamourian.

Andy Warhol:
Glamourian?

Young Agent K:
Mm.

Andy Warhol:
Right solar system, wrong planet. He's gotta be after the Archanan.

Young Agent K:
No, Archanans are extinct.

Andy Warhol:
Well, apparently they're not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuits all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn, last of its species. His name's Griffin. Griffin The Archanan.

Young Agent K:
Well, how are we gonna find this guy?

Andy Warhol:
What am I, a schmuck?

[Warhol points to the party]

Young Agent K:
What, he's here?

Andy Warhol:
Well, here is a relative term. He's a fifth dimensional being. They can live in and visualize an infinite set of time space probabilities simultaneously.

Young Agent K:
Alright, sounds like fun. Good work.

[young K turns to go back to the party]

Andy Warhol:
Woah! Woah! K! K! K! You gotta fake my death, okay? I can't listen to sitar music anymore.

Young Agent K:
Alright, I'll see what I can do. I'll talk to X.

[young K turns to go back to the party]

Andy Warhol:
K, I can't tell the women from the men!

[while young K is talking to Warhol, J encounters Griffin at the party not knowing who he is]:

Agent J:
How's is it going?

Griffin:
Going? How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good, things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.

[J watches as everything Griffin says happens]

Griffin:
Or, if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.

[J gives Griffin a confused look]:

Griffin:
But that depends.

Agent J:
K!

Young Agent K:
We need pie.

Agent J:
What?

Young Agent K:
My grand daddy always said, if you got a problem that you can't solve, helps to get out of your head. Pie, it's good.

Agent J:
Pie?

Young Agent K:
Yeah.

Agent J:
Your grand daddy, heavy set man?

Young Agent K:
A little bit.

Agent J:
Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff, we've been following clues, doing real police work. It might me time we do somethin' stupid. Somethin' that ain't got nothin' to do with nothin'. Ah, you know what? Now I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some @#!*% pie!

[J walks off]

Young Agent K:
Sounds good.

Agent J:
World class serial killer out there and we're having pie

Young Agent K:
What you do with your spare time stretch?

Agent J:
Arrrgh....

Young Agent K:
You see I sense you not embracing the concept here. Pie don't work unless you let it

Agent J:
I'ma, I'ma let it

Young Agent K:
When you said we don't talk, right? Go ahead ask me any question, anything you want just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case. Just let her rip.

Agent J:
What's up with you and O?

Young Agent K:
Me and O?

Agent J:
Yeah, you and O.

Young Agent K:
Alright, alright. Alright, this is it: a while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger, he was in this British group, Rolling Stones...

Agent J:
Rings a bell...

Young Agent K:
We believed he was on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny, great smile, and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistlers Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts 'til the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...

Agent J:
What the @#!*% happened to you, man?

Young Agent K:
I don't know, it hasn't happened yet. Come on, what about you, Slick? In the future, you got yourself a girl?

Agent J:
I got you!

Agent J:
So this is how you see things? This is amazing.

Griffin:
It's a gigantic pain in the @#!*% ! But it has its moments.

Boris The Animal:
Go ahead, arrest me!

Young Agent K:
Not this time.

[blasts Boris]

[As K, J, and Griffin wearing the jetpacks land back on the ground]

Griffin:
Looks like this isn't one of the times we explode.

J:
One of the times?!

[Griffin looks at the camera and smiles]

Griffin:
This is my new favorite moment in human history.

[Griffin's face falls]

Griffin:
Unless this is the one where K forgets to leave a tip.

[Griffin looks up as camera shows a meteor heading towards Earth. K enters and leaves a tip.]

K:
Almost forgot.

[The meteor crashes into a satellite. Griffin looks at the camera and smiles.]

Griffin:
That was a close one.

Older Boris:
(to his younger self) You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh! I'd kill you right now, if I didn't value my own life!

Younger Boris:
Who are you?!

Older Boris:
Look at you. Every mistake I ever made just waiting to happen.

Younger Boris:
What happened to my arm?

Older Boris:
You'll lose it - shot off by a human!

Younger Boris:
No human can defeat me!

Older Boris:
You'll spend the next forty years in prison. Chained up, like an animal!

Younger Boris:
No prison can hold me!

Older Boris:
They build one especially for us, on the moon.

Younger Boris:
No human has been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already.

Older Boris:
Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!

Younger Boris:
YOU were defeated! YOU let it get shot off! That wasn't me, that was YOU!

(both snarl at each other)

Older Boris:
What's your plan?

Younger Boris:
Prevent the archnet from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries.

Older Boris:
Good plan, didn't work. With my help, we'll get the archnet, kill agent K, the invasion will be successful, and we'll get to keep both of our ar-

(growls after noticing that younger Boris is staring at it)

Older Boris:
STOP STARING AT IT!!! Listen.

[A guard starts to examine Lily's cake.]

Boris the Animal:
Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Lunar Max Guard:
Why's that?

Boris the Animal:
It'll ruin your figure.

[The guard pokes a finger into the cake... releasing Boris' weasel pet, which attacks.]

Lunar Max Guard:
You can't win, Boris!

Boris the Animal:
Mmm, let's agree to disagree.

Lunar Max Guard:
There's too many of us!

Boris the Animal:
Rather hot in here. Mind if I open a window?

[Boris shoots a hole in the wall causing a decompression which sucks all Lunar Max guards into outer space.]

[from trailer]

Agent J:
Marco! You know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!

Graffiti artist:
Who's Marco?

Marco:
Just relax, punk. [he reveals himself in the walls] They're looking for me and not you.

Agent J:
Crazy, right? Two grown men, talking to the wall, wall talking back, it's a mess. But hey. Don't even worry about it.

[He neuralizes the graffiti artist.]

Boris the Animal:
Hello, K.

Agent K:
Boris the Animal.

Boris the Animal:
It's just Boris!

Agent K:
You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is... still shot off.

Boris the Animal:
Yes... my arm. [caresses his pet] We've thought about that moment every day for the last forty years.

Agent K:
Well, that's just not living a full life.

Boris the Animal:
I can promise you it will be longer than yours.

Agent K:
Lonelier, too, since you're the last Boglodite standing.

Boris the Animal:
We'll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you...

Agent J:
[arrives on the roof] Yo, K. [Boris starts shooting spikes at J and K, who use the door that J came through as a shield]

Agent K:
Where the hell have you been?

Agent J:
Fishing! [Boris continues to shoot spikes until J and K fall off of the roof]

Boris the Animal:
You don't know it, K, but you're already dead.

Agent J:
You helped Boris the Animal time jump. [c*cks his weapon]

Jeffrey Price:
Whoa, whoa! Look, I had to! That dude's a freak!

Agent J:
He killed my partner! I want to know where and when you sent him.

Jeffrey Price:
What, you think I keep, like, a log book?

[He glances down at his log book and winces. Jay flips it open.]

Agent J:
[reading] "Target vector: July 16, 1969."

Jeffrey Price:
All right, all right. That's a real bummer about your buddy. I'm sure he was, like, a real great guy, but in terms of the whole space-time continuum, your friend was a little blip on the historical radar!

[J spins him around to a wall of televisions, seeing a news report on the Boglodites invading Earth.]

Jeffrey Price:
Oh... that's a big blip.

Agent J:
K! [O notices Agent J trying to call for his partner] Alright. You got me. I give it to you, it's funny, very elaborate. [to everyone looking at him] Oh, and all of you. Fantastic performances. Can't believe you waited 14 years to develop a sense of humor, but, this is a good one. But, K, I need you to come out here now, 'cause I'm really starting to get a little bit pissed off!

O:
Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice down, and telling me who it is you're looking for?

Agent J:
I'm looking for K!

O:
Who is K?

Agent J:
[grunts] You, too? You, too?

O:
I mean, who is he to you?

Agent J:
My partner! Older gentlemen! 110, maybe 111 years old. Sort of this surly-Elvis thing happened with him. He smiles, like this: [J makes a poker face] Seen him around?!

O:
[appearing a bit saddened] I'll take you to K.

Agent J:
Thank you!

Agent J:
[having just arrived in 1969] My man, what's today?

Man in Chrysler Building elevator:
Tuesday.

Agent J:
The date?

Man in Chrysler Building elevator:
The 15th.

Agent J:
Of?

Man in Chrysler Building elevator:
July.

Agent J:
Dog, the year!

Man in Chrysler Building elevator:
1969.

Agent J:
Thank you! You look at me like I'm crazy.

Agent J:
[after knocking out the four-armed alien] Still keep the key under the ashtray.

Young Agent K:
Lucky guess. Now, where were we?

Bowling Ball Head:
I was just about to tell you to screw off.

Young Agent K:
[to Agent J] Hey, slick, you bowl in the future?

Agent J:
Absolutely, MIB league champ, three years running.

Young Agent K:
Well, let's see it. [walks up to the alien and pulls his head off; Agent J is slightly horrified by this as Young Agent K hands the head to him]

Bowling Ball Head:
Unh! You did not just walk into my establishment and rip my head off!

Agent J:
My man, look. We don't have a lot of time for this. You really need to tell him something.

Bowling Ball Head:
I'll tell him this! [gestures rudely and glares at Young Agent K]

Agent J:
Alright, your head. [Bowling Ball Head's face fills with fear as Agent J carries him to a lane; Young Agent K inhales with exasperation]

Bowling Ball Head:
Wait... Hey, if you do this, I am gonna hunt you down, and I will make sure that you walk funny for the– [J rolls him down the aisle, knocking over 8 pins, leaving pins 7 and 10 still standing] rest of your miserable last days on Earth! Unh!

Young Agent K:
Tough spare, slick. [Agent J groans; the Bowling Ball Head rolls into the ball return]

Bowling Ball Head:
You messed with the wrong head!

Agent J:
His head is a little... [walks up to the ball return and humorously peers inside]

Young Agent K:
You gonna tell us where Dom is?

Bowling Ball Head:
[angrily speaking unintelligibly] I'll kill you both. I swear I'll kill both of youse!

Agent J:
[as he prepares to roll the alien's head down the aisle again, he accidentally drops it, and it hits the floor] Ooh!

Bowling Ball Head:
Ow! Jesus! [Young Agent K grabs a bag for cleaning bowling balls]

Young Agent K:
Your hook's a little off. You want me to clean her?

Agent J:
[figuring it might make him talk] Oh, yeah, sure thing. [throws the head to Young Agent K, who immediately starts rubbing him with the bag]

Bowling Ball Head:
Oh, no, no, no! Aw, come on! I just cleaned the bathroom with this thing! Please, no cleaning! No cleaning! Stop cleaning! Okay! Okay, alright! [Young Agent K stops and removes the head from the bag] Alright, he's in the back. But he's not gonna talk to any Men in Black scum like you! [while talking, the headless body points at Young Agent K] Now give me back my head! [Young Agent K ignores his demand and throws the head back to Agent J]

Agent J:
K, I call this one...

Bowling Ball Head:
[as Agent J puts his fingers in his nose] Oh!

Agent J:
...low-hanging-fruit.

Bowling Ball Head:
That ain't a finger hole, you sick bastard! [Agent J turns and approaches the aisle and rolls the head between his legs; it bounces slightly towards the pins] Ow! How about I pop your head off and see how you like it?! [Agent J humorously makes it look like he's directing the ball; the Bowling Ball Head rolls right into Pin 7, knocking it into Pin 10] Ow! [the Bowling Ball Head, upside down, seethes with anger at the agents]

Agent J:
[satisfied] Ooh! Mmm! [gestures to Young Agent K to go to the back room]

Bowling Ball Head:
I'm gonna kill both of you! I'm gonna kill the both of youse! I'll kill you both!

[through Griffin's eyes, J and K see the last game of the 1969 World Series.]

Agent J:
Wait, this game doesn't happen until October.

Griffin:
Oh, it's always October, November, March... so many possible futures, and they're all real, you just don't know which one will coalesce. Until then, they're all happening. Like this one here, it's my favorite moment in human history.

Boris the Animal:
The Arc Net! Give it to me!

Griffin:
I don't think this is the one where you get it!

Young Agent K:
[chasing Boris on motorcycles, who has captured Griffin]: You all right there, Chief?

Agent J:
Hell, yeah. It’d be better with four wheels! Two is, like, my minimum.

Young Agent K:
What happens if Boris gets the ArcNet?

Agent J:
Boglodite invasion, total destruction of Earth!

Young Agent K:
We gotta stop this guy!

Agent J:
I've been trying! You haven't been trying?

Young Agent K:
Hey, slick. In the future, do we ever do the Texas two-step?

Agent J:
Yes, sir!

[they proceed with the ”Texas two-step” to rescue Griffin]

[Boris rides down a boardwalk on his motorcycle]

Male Hippie:
Far out, man. [reaches his hand towards the motorcycle]

Boris:
If you want to keep that, I wouldn't!

Female Hippie:
Make love, not war!

Boris:
I prefer to do both.

[Both hippies laugh. Boris forces an awkward laugh, then the hippies stare at him awkwardly. He laughs again, and once more as he drives off.]

[J and Young K are in Young K's car.]

Young Agent K':
Okay, future man, where to?

Agent J:
I don't know.

Young Agent K:
What do you mean "you don't know"?

Agent J:
I don't know. Uh, go wherever you went last time.

Young Agent K:
I haven't been here last time. I didn't tell you where I went?

Agent J:
No, I mean, we don't really talk.

Young Agent K:
What kind of partners sit in a car all day every day for 14 years and don't talk?

Agent J:
Exactly. And this is the type of problem it causes. It's dysfunctional.

Young Agent K:
Alright, sport, you better get useful real quick or you're going back in room 43.

Agent J:
Man. Uh– Uh– There was something in the file about a factory. Something happening a– at a factory. [Young K stares at him] Hey, look, man, you can put your Jedi knight on me all you want. That's all I got.

[Young K starts the engine of the car.]

Agent J:
Did I spark something?

Young Agent K:
[Holds up a matchbook] Roman had this on his person when he was murdered.

Agent J:
[Takes the matchbook from Young K and examines it] It's a matchbook.

Young Agent K:
No, it's a clue. He didn't smoke.

[J and Young K drive off.]

Agent W:
GOD DAMN IT K! What, are you trying to blow my cover?!

Agent K:
Agent W, your cover is safe.

Agent J:
Woah, Andy Warhol's one of us?!

Agent W:
Safe? Are you out of your mind? I'm so out of ideas, I'm painting...soup cans and bananas for Christ sakes.

Agent J:
Uh, actually, Mr Warhol, I'm a huge fan of your work.

Agent W:
Oh thank you. Who's the dumbass?

Agent J:
Woah, how about a little professional courtesy.

Agent W:
What's that dumbass?

Agent J:
Say it again.

Agent W:
You want me too?

Agent J:
I dare you.

Agent W:
Dumbass.

Agent J:
First of all, my name is J. Okay? It's not son, it's not slick and it damn sure ain't no Cochise.

Agent J:
Okay! You know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell-phone off. And you're like, I ain't turning my cell-phone off, that don't have nothing to do with no damn airplane. Well, [Showing the crowd a crashed spaceship] this is what we get, that's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellites, then blam! Just turn your damn cell-phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight because your GPS don't work.

Agent J:
May I have your attention please... [Neuralyzes a crowd] Okay. You know how your kid won the goldfish in that little baggy from the school fair, but you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flush it down the toilet? Well, this what happens. [Points to an alien fish towed away] Okay, see what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids!

Agent J:
[talking to K at Wu’s restaurant] Man, I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel.

Agent J:
[looking at an ugly alien fish] Ooh, man, you look like you come from the planet... Damn.

Agent J:
No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, K is masculine. Y'know, I see a couple, I'm like... OK.

Agent J:
[from trailer, talking to Marco, a graffiti alien and a graffiti artist] Crazy, right? Two grown men, talking to the wall, wall talking back, it's a mess. But hey. Don't even worry about it.

Agent J:
[Upon seeing K’s car destroyed by Boris’ motorcycle after Boris captured Griffin] Damn it!

Agent J:
[To Boris] 'You might wanna get a pedicure if you get a second.'

Agent J:
[After seeing 1969 K shoot 1969 Boris] Where there's death, there will always be death.

2012:
[giving a eulogy] I worked with Zed for over 40 years and in all that time he never invited me to dinner, he never asked me to his house to watch a game, he never shared a single detail of his personal life. [long pause] Thank you!

2012:
I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answer to.

2012:
(To J): 'Boris the Animal...I put him away a long time ago, it's the worst mistake I ever made.'

2012:
(To O on the phone): '...Lunar Max Prison- Boris the Animal.'

2012:
(To Boris): 'You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is...still shot off.'

1969:
[While pointing his gun in J's temple] We'll take it from here.

1969:
(Before shooting 1969 Boris) Not this time.

Boris The Animal:
[repeated line, whenever someone calls him "Boris the Animal"] It's just Boris!

Boris The Animal:
Let's agree to disagree!

Boris The Animal:
[after his weasel animal settles into the cavity in his hand] You complete me.

Boris The Animal:
[hanging on to Lily, preventing her from being sucked out into space] Sorry, darling. We did love the cake. [releases her]

Boris The Animal:
Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?

Boris The Animal:
(To K): 'Yes, my arm. (Speaking to his pet) We've thought about that moment...(looking up) everyday...for the last 40 years.'

Boris The Animal:
(To past self) ' With my help, we'll get the Arknet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we'll get to keep both of our ar...AR...ARRR...STOP STARING AT IT!'

Boris The Animal:
[last words] Go ahead. Arrest me.

Griffin:
[repeated line] That was a close one.

Griffin:
A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway.

Griffin:
I lost my planet. I don't want you to lose yours. It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you'll be my new favorite moment in human history.

Griffin:
'When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson- who only became a baseball player because his father couldn't find him a football to give him for his eighth birthday- it hits his bat two micrometers too high, causing him to pop out to Cleon Jones- who would have been born Clara- a statistical typist, if his parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed.'

Griffin:
-[followed on] 'Oh dear, I never see this one coming.'