Minder

[at a trade fair, Arthur is undercutting a fellow exhibitor's corporate entertainment business]

Hargreaves:
You're trying to steal my business. You're even using my patter.

Arthur Daley:
Oh, I think you'll find the English language is available for general use.

Sidney:
A terrible thing happened. It started when I was told I had a terminal illness - in my body.

Ray Daley:
[puzzled] Well where else *could* you have it?

[Sidney wants Arthur and Ray to protect him from a hitman who is going to kill him]

Sidney:
You have connections and Ray is a minder. I need protection. You've got to find and stop this madman for me.

Arthur Daley:
This could be very complicated.

Sidney:
I have funds.

Arthur Daley:
I need money up-front.

Sidney:
Are we talking cost?

Arthur Daley:
His life is in danger and he wants to negotiate.

Sidney:
Well shouldn't I haggle a little?

Arthur Daley:
Let me put it this way. Dying could ruin your living.

DS Rycott:
Being a police officer is a 24-hour-a-day operation. Villains don't work to a timetable.

DC Jones:
They do if they're planning a train robbery.

Arthur Daley:
A friend in need is a pest.

[Arthur turns up a few minutes late to visit Terry in prison, just as a guard is shutting the door]

Arthur Daley:
Ah! Too late, am I?

Prison Gatekeeper:
No. We let almost anyone in. It's getting out again that you've got to worry about!

[after they have had a major argument, Arthur finds Terry working as a gardener for Colonel Caplan]

Arthur Daley:
Here, what size boots do you take?

Terry McCann:
[looking puzzled] Eight.

Arthur Daley:
Tread on that, will you.

[Arthur throws his cigar butt out of the window and drives off with gravel flying from his wheels]

Terry McCann:
On the bride's side or the groom's side?

Noisy:
Get in smart-arse. One of your friends wants a word with you

Terry McCann:
Bit of a hard bastard, are you?

Noisy:
I've been known to go a bit

Arthur Daley:
What's French for "en-suite facilities"?

[Arthur, Ray and Dave have left their van overnight outside a seedy B&B where they are staying in France. It contained cases of booze that they are planning to bring back to sell in The Winchester, and crates of models of Blackpool Tower, badly modified in an attempt to make them look like the Eiffel Tower, which Arthur is hoping to sell to the unsuspecting French. In the morning they find that the van has been broken into and almost everything is missing]

Arthur Daley:
How bad is it?

Ray Daley:
[dejectedly] They've left the Eiffel Towers.

Rycott:
Well, well, Charley, what a coincidence.

Chisholm:
I don't believe this.

Rycott:
I don't know how you come to be here Charley...

Chisholm:
My name is Albert!

[having faked his own suicide to avoid his creditors and the taxman, Arthur is getting worried that his business ventures will start to suffer]

Arthur Daley:
Get hold of my accountant, Andrew, a bit cunning. He'll know what's going on. I don't want my death to ruin my living!

[Terry is minding George Wilson who has just been released from prison. George wants Terry to give him the phone numbers of some prostitutes]

George Wilson:
Four years is a long time.

Terry McCann:
Eternity's longer, sunbeam. And that's where you'll end up if Charlie Mellors' old woman gets her hands on you.

DS Morley:
Why is it that everyone seems to take such an instant dislike to me?

Arthur Daley:
Saves time.

Terry McCann:
[Terry does a favour for Des, delivering a motor to one of Des's customers. On the way home when he's listening to the six o'clock news on the car radio, he discovers that the car he delivered for Des was a ringer and was used in a robbery recently. First thing the next morning, Terry storms round to Des's lock-up garage to give Des a piece of his mind and to get some answers] Where were you last night and this morning?

Des:
Just a minute, Terry. I don't think the young lady I was with, would care for me to discuss the details with you

Terry McCann:
Don't give me any of that crap; you've been keeping out of my way

Des:
Well, why would I do that? Your motor's running all right, innit?

Des:
It's not my motor I'm worried about. That was a right diabolical stroke you pulled on me!

Des:
A stroke? I don't know what you're talking about?

Terry McCann:
[Terry raises his fist ready to thump Des] I'm going to lose my temper in a minute

Des:
Just a minute Terry, there's no need for violence. I think I know what you're on about and I know you'll believe me when I tell you I had no idea that car was being used for a robbery

Terry McCann:
It was a ringer and you bloody rung it!

Des:
Terry, I swear to you, the plates on that car were the same as when I received it. First I knew about it was when I read it in the papers this morning

Terry McCann:
[Terry knocks Des against a car in the lock-up] [Angrily] You're a liar!

Arthur Daley:
[Arthur enters Des's lock-up just as Terry's about to knock the stuffing out of Des] Ah, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. 'Ere, why you holding Des like that?

Terry McCann:
So, I can give him a good hiding!

Arthur Daley:
Oh, yeah?

Des:
Terry, come on now, there's no need to take that attitude

Terry McCann:
You must think I'm a right mug standing for this; I mean my dabs will be all over that motor

Arthur Daley:
Dabs? Dabs? What are you on about?

Terry McCann:
This slippery little bastard conned me into delivering a motor and guess what: it was a ringer and it was used in a robbery yesterday

Arthur Daley:
Not the mailbag thing?

Terry McCann:
Exactly and my fingerprints will be all over it

Arthur Daley:
Des, that wasn't very nice

Des:
I don't want to be nice Arthur; I just want to be rich

Terry McCann:
[Terry goes to lunge at Des, but Arthur holds him] You want to...?

Des:
[Defensively] A joke, a joke, Terry! Arthur, tell him would I do a thing like that?

Arthur Daley:
Probably

Terry McCann:
Excuse me gents, can I have a word? You're Greg, aren't you?

Greg:
That's right

Terry McCann:
What's your name again...?

Billy:
Who's asking?

Terry McCann:
You met a friend of mine

Billy:
Oh yeah, who's that?

Terry McCann:
He's drives a mini-cab, he drives for Candy Cabs. You see, this morning two bottleless bastards gave him a good hiding. So I reckon I ought talk to you two about it?

Billy:
I think you better be careful what you say, mate, as a kick in the cobblers often offends, know what I mean?

[Arthur and Terry are looking at antique vases in an auctioneer's showroom]

Arthur Daley:
[reading from catalogue] "Late 18th century. Estimated sale price seven hundred and fifty pounds."

Terry McCann:
Seven hundred and fifty nicker? You can get them in washable plastic for three gallons of four-star!

Arthur Daley:
You are unlikely to find washable plastic being offered for sale in the Clapham Auction Rooms.

[looking at a writing desk in the auction house]

Arthur Daley:
Your modern entrepreneur is constantly gazing into the crystal ball of opportunity.

Terry McCann:
And what do your crystal balls tell you about that then, eh? Is there gonna be a big rush on firewood?

Arthur Daley:
No, Terry. That is... that is "an Indian ebony and porcupine quill workbox, nineteenth century". Described as "distressed".

Terry McCann:
Distressed?

Arthur Daley:
Yes, that is a term they use in the auctioneering world.

Terry McCann:
Yeah, loosely translated as "knackered"!

Arthur Daley:
As with most things in this life, Terry, it is in the eye of the beholder. One man's firewood is another man's porcupine wotsisname.

Arthur Daley:
[writing] Dear Terrence. No. Terry. Dear Terry, I am writing this in case something happens to me. You would laugh if you could see me now, but what with having this operation, I seem to have gone a bit morbid. This is just to say that you have been like a son to me, even though at times I might have been a bit inconsiderate. But you know what the pressures on the entrepreneur are, in this day and age. I hope you have enjoyed our long association, as much as I have, despite the vicississitu... vicississi... ups and downs. Good luck. Your pal, Arthur.

[Arthur suspects that Dave was responsible for playing a practical joke on him and for scuppering his business when Arthur, Dave and Toby Jug were younger, but Toby Jug refuses to tell tales about a fellow member of the "gang"]

Arthur Daley:
Was it Dave you switched the chicken for the rat?

Toby Jug Johnson:
I'm surprised at you, Arthur. Code of the Backhanders? "No member shall blow the whistle on another member, even if that member's blown the whistle on another member." Remember?

[Arthur and Ray are attending the funeral of Charlie Johnson. One of the mourners comes over to talk to Arthur]

Jeff:
Arthur.

Arthur Daley:
Jeff.

Jeff:
How's 'Er Indoors?

Arthur Daley:
Much the same. How's yours?

Jeff:
Similar.

[a man approaches Jeff as he's walking away from Arthur]

Reporter:
Excuse me, I'm from the Sun newspaper, would you like to say a few words?

Jeff:
Certainly, son. Piss off and you!

[Ray Daley has gone into a pub to ask if anybody in there knows where he can find Tommy Hanbury. DC Park is sat in his car doing a newspaper crossword. He looks up to see Ray staggering about in the car park and collapse on the ground. DC Park jumps out of his car and Joanna jumps out of hers opposite. They both come running. DC Park turns Ray on his back, and he and Joanna can see that his face is cut and bleeding after being beaten up by some blokes in the pub]

DC Park:
You poor bastard.

Joanna:
Save the sympathy, Constable. Come on, search him for the keys to the lock-up, I'll get some copies cut. Then I suggest you get in your car and vanish. I'll take him to Casualty.

DC Park:
Poor sod doesn't stand much of a chance with you on his back, does he?

Alfie:
Did all my bird twenty years ago. That's when it was hard. Look at them now - all in the Open University. Big Bob Whitney. D'you know he's got a bleeding degree? Sociology. He's still at the thieving, but now he knows why he's doing it!

Arthur Daley:
It was a perfectly innocent enquiry. You can't apprehend a man for that.

Detective Sergeant Albert 'Charlie' Chisholm:
Arthur, the last time you made an innocent enquiry, you were still waiting for your teeth to come through - so that you could start lying through them!

[Arthur describes the business philosophy of Daley Enterprises]

Arthur Daley:
You make contact with your customer. Understand their needs. And then flog them something they could well do without.

Arthur Daley:
Get your retaliation in first, Ray - basic rule of English fair-play.

[Arthur has just seen "The Silence of the Lambs" at the cinema and is shocked at its graphic nature]

Arthur Daley:
I thought I'd gone in the back entrance to Smithfield.

Dave Harris:
It's the style these days, Arthur. I mean, they don't leave much to the imagination.

Arthur Daley:
An experience like that could haunt you for life. I remember as if it was yesterday dragging young Ray screaming out of "Bambi" when he was so high.

Dave Harris:
Well they *are* impressionable at that age.

Arthur Daley:
*He* wanted to stay. *I* didn't sleep properly for days.

[Arthur is desperate to replace Marty who has dropped out of the pub quiz team]

Arthur Daley:
Dave and I will do what any Englishman would do in our position - cheat.

[to Carp]

Detective Sergeant Ronald 'Kenny' Rycott:
[exasperated] You know, inheriting you from Sergeant Chisholm is not dissimilar to inheriting death duties.

[Arthur is raising money for the repair of the Winchester Club by organising a football match against the police, but he has persuaded the vicar to lend them the football pitch for free by saying that it is for repairs to Winchester Cathedral]

Dave Harris:
It don't seem right, somehow, conning the clergy.

Arthur Daley:
He's the one who married me and 'Er Indoors. I prefer to see it as settling an old score.

Terry:
Did you clock the geezer with the gold Hampsteads?

Arthur Daley:
Oi, Jeremy, you bastard. You had that race rigged.

Jeremy Burnham-Jones:
Arthur, as if I would?

[Arthur is horrified at the high cost of helium for his advertising balloon]

Arthur Daley:
Seventy quid? It's immoral charging for gas. God put gas on this earth for all of us.

Gas Deliverer:
Yeah, but God didn't put it in canisters and drive it round in a Transit, did he?

Disco Youth:
[Terry's been lumbered with a kid whilst he's minding down the local club, Peter the kid gets up to walk across the room and two youths walk into him] Watch it, stupid!

Peter Sharp:
It were you, who bumped into me!

Disco Youth:
Oh, it were you who bumped into me? Cheeky little bastard.

Disco Youth:
Who'd you reckon his tailor is?

Disco Youth:
Sainsbury's, innit?

Peter Sharp:
At least I don't wear earrings, only girls wear earrings.

Disco Youth:
Mouthy little bleeder, I'll give you a slap.

Terry McCann:
You slap anyone, try me! You all right, Pete?

Peter Sharp:
Aye, Uncle Terry.

Disco Youth:
What's this, big Uncle Terry coming to the rescue?

Terry McCann:
Shut your mouth, sonny. Or I'll squeeze all your pimples, now go on, on your bike!

Disco Youth:
I wonder, if he'll grow up to be as big a pillock as his uncle?

[Terry chins the first youth and then thumps the second youth, then he grabs both of them by the scruff of their neck and throws them out of the club. Peter witnesses this and when Terry comes back, he notices the look Peter gives him, Terry regrets being violent in front of him]

Arthur Daley:
The world is your lobster, my son.

Arthur Daley:
[a gang of kids have taken over the public telephone boxes at the train station, which Arthur's using as part of his race tipping scam with J.J. Mooney, they're refusing to budge. One of the kids cheeks Arthur and Arthur walks over to give the nipper a piece of his mind] Cheeky beggar, I'll have him!

Arthur Daley:
[Another boy on a BMX bike flies by almost knocking Arthur over] Oi! Has he got a licence for that? Come on, Terry, get them out!

Terry McCann:
How?

Arthur Daley:
How? With violence that's how! Kick 'em up the arse

Arthur Daley:
[Arthur is sat in his car fast asleep, a gang of boys are kicking a football against a wall nearby, one of the boys boots the ball and it hits the window of Arthur's car, on the driver's side. Arthur winds down his window to give the boys a piece of his mind] Watch it!

boy:
Naff off, you narky old bastard!

Arthur Daley:
Not so much of the old!

Nathan Loveridge:
You want to fight me? I've taken on ten like you.

Terry McCann:
So one shouldn't worry you, then.

Arthur Daley:
Don't judge others by your own low standards!

[Hacksaw Harry is making some exercise equipment for Arthur and has hardly started work on it]

Arthur Daley:
But it's being picked up tomorrow!

Hacksaw Harry:
[sn*ggers] Right...

Arthur Daley:
Harry, I think you're beginning to mistake rising panic with leg-pulling.

Arthur Daley:
Did you deliver those dresses to Morry all right?

Ray Daley:
Yeah.

Arthur Daley:
D'you get paid?

Ray Daley:
Yeah.

Arthur Daley:
Well thank God for that.

[Ray gives Arthur a cheque]

Arthur Daley:
What's that? A cheque? A bloody Gregory? Don't you realise why he's called Bouncing Morry? I wish your parents had gone in for goldfish instead of childen. Then when they got tired of them, they could have flushed them down the loo.

[last words of episode and series:
the police have recaptured escaped prisoner Crazy Frankie, and have arrested Arthur for harboring a wanted criminal and Ray and Dave as Arthur's accomplices; they are all being driven away in a police van]

Arthur Daley:
Oh that is nice. That is very nice. I spend my life worrying about my fellow man, my friends, my family, making sure 'Er Indoors has a crust, pushing the economy of this septic isle ever upwards with my entrepreneurial skills. I don't have to apologise for that. Oh God, I've tried.

Frankie:
He don't half go on, don't he?

Dave Harris:
And on.

Ray Daley:
And on.

Arthur Daley:
I don't understand it. Why me? Why me? Have I not always conducted my life with decency and dignity? Have the time-honoured values of yesteryear deteriorated to the point that there is no place left in the black economy for men of vision?

[Terry and Arthur are staring lustfully at a young woman in the Winchester Club]

Terry McCann:
Oi! She's young enough to be your daughter.

Arthur Daley:
Well what's wrong with that? That's what keeps me young.

Terry McCann:
I thought it was Phylosan and Grecian 2000!

[Arthur is trying to sell a watch to Dave]

Arthur Daley:
At that price, it's a steal.

Dave Harris:
That's what worries me.

Terry McCann:
Arthur, if you think I'm spending time in the same room as that, you've got another think coming.

Arthur Daley:
What's wrong, he's a perfectly nice young man.

Terry McCann:
Leave it out, can't you see?

Arthur Daley:
See? See what?

Terry McCann:
Arthur, the geezer is a raving iron.

Arthur Daley:
Don't be ridiculous, an iron?

Terry McCann:
Do I have to scream it?

Arthur Daley:
How'd you know he's a poofter? How can you tell?

Terry McCann:
I can tell, believe me! Go on have another look. Don't make it too obvious, eh?

Arthur Daley:
He can't be, can he?

Terry McCann:
Why not, there are thousands of them about?

Arthur Daley:
Yeah, I know, but...

Terry McCann:
No wonder you called that mate of yours a "Man's man"!

Arthur Daley:
Leave off, leave off. Alex a poofter? You must be joking, he's a happily married man.

Terry McCann:
You told me yourself, he'd left his wife to go and live case with Jolly Jim.

Arthur Daley:
In the same flat, Terry, in the same flat. I did not say they were case.

Alex:
I'm still pretty useful, Arthur and I'd smash any bastard who tried to collect protection off me!

Terry McCann:
[Terry has gone back to the place where he got beaten up and catches up with the security man who was involved in the fight, Terry collars him as he's getting into his car] Excuse me, pal. No, no, don't get hasty! I just want to ask you about the motor, where'd you buy it?

Security Guard:
Suttons on the Harrow Road

Terry McCann:
Terrific. Now, piss off before I start remembering your mates